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i wanted this necklace but it was $65 and the chain was $40. no chance lady i’m not that wasted. though it is so super my style. all bases covered. baby pink, diamond bling, white gold. girly heart. um what happened to me?

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we didn’t bring the tambourine because we didn’t want to be found out. through a portal from the forgotten zone of adventurehouse we wanted to emerge undetected.

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queen in princess disguise. purple, the colour of royalty. melodieval.

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billets de voyage de passage.

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long live the king. this is some lord of the rings next level shit.

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tiny minstrels in the marketplace.

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the gypsy nomad queen of urchins, she is with child and must be sent away to safety. the survival of the kingdom is at stake. like a seahorse, she travels between sex for protection. as king, she reigns impenetrable. there must be an heir.

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ghostbusters portal.

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the people in danger of ruin, must be saved.

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preparations are made. word must be sent.

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deep cover.

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ready now.

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they left their calling card.

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in case of the chance they might never return to their domain again. the people needed to hold on to hope and to understand the laws of which all rules are governed. love. lead with thy heart noble man.

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immersion. this part is crucial. blend in with the commoners.

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travel was grueling and tiresome, kale potato soup over in that stall. rejuvenated.

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contact is made. lord steffan speaketh of sir queen raymi’s past task carried out for palais royale admirably, grants landed immigrancy to lady melodieval and sir queen raymi of this neighbouring kingdom for the night before their great journey the morro.

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many disguises and back stories they tell the people.

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the calm before battle is a magnetic powerful affair. battle’s eve before dawn break. the night is cause for celebration, decadence comes few and far between and must be honoured.

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gypsy medieval royalty.

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somewhat an on olden day celebrity. a character. a scenester. no real defining purpose but admired, appreciated, adored in awe all the same. this was one hat sir queen raymi wore. sir raymalot.

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melodieval village renegade.

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they got around.

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there were moments of duty when knights came to speak of war in villages surrounding the kingdom.

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the castle was a buzz.

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melodieval carved the mighty beast what was slayed. a menace, instilling fear in the hearts and minds of these poor people. they sought to bring them reprieve from their mental hardships.

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libations.

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they celebrated throughout the night doing as they pleased as was natural to them.

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negronis were what they desired. muchos currency was spent. you cannot spend silver pennies when you are slain. the barman set blood oranges aflame to impress the royalty. they tipped him generously.

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much feasting.

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all gathering for support, the empire will not be taken lying down.

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william wallaced the room. motivate the people.

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totally the time i started to fuck with them. ok i’m done that larper speak now how was that?

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i was also a shaman. yes i had shaman potions in that pouch i’m sure you can guess which kind.

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pig on the spit. i stood here and saw an ex-lawyer i had a fling with when i was 17 a few years ago dunig a film fest party. his people have offered me money to shut my mouth about that time if he ever ran for mayor. as if. the arrogance of bay street is impressive.

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so i said ten thousand and they said done.

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wearing a mask makes you feel like a freak but if you go with it it’s a whole dimension that can be pretty trippy if you like that sort of thing. i don’t. but i thought what would noel do? that table behind me was the best. rich annex forest hill types and drunk trying to fuck with us and we fucked with them right back and they didn’t expect it. you kind of always win if you’re dressed like a wizard swathed in fur and pearls and diamonds and a billion years younger.

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i don’t think i’ll ever have an opportunity to dress like this again for awhile. i don’t do two trick ponies. what would you wear at a medieval marketplace at a castle?

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they blasted fleet foxes. i died. my heart melted. it transported me into a thousand places in my head at once. i sang and danced to it the second time they played the entire record and people thought i was part of the show. well, don’t they always? hearing one of your top three bands in every single room of a palace during a period costume party i gotta tell you, it feels amazing. sacred.

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i took this for you dad/grandpa.

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olive oil breadland. i set out not to eat any bread. then i ate a lot of bread pudding. somehow i managed to wake up today with a six pack. not like you trash waking up with six packs of bud light haha. i mean washboard. amazing. i was in bed by twelve too. melodie came in at 2.15 and had a total conversation with me while i laid on my back like a polar bear in my boiling hot tickle trunk grove and i woke up laughing my head off remembering it.

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scary sorceress woman in the attic. she doesn’t like when i make witch references but i’m sorry like how can i not about this photo seriously!?

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GORGEOUS. there we just made up.

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i was being a bit of a brat. premenstrual. mel set me off. we are totally sisters and deserve our own reality show.

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hot. this is the thing i really wanted to wear. good thing i still have my st. pats costume from central. wearing it sorry clem!

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mel found a pic and put it on advhaus tumblr of a knighting and i died laughing at it in burnountington. mission accomplished my lady. i have a lot of photos so i’m making this a two-parter.

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a raymi fan/facebook friend was there and became my personal photographer. thanks andrew! his girlfriend’s father’s photo is in the castle and she hooked us up with a ghost story told to us by a nerd ghost castle employee who i then referred to as GHOST NERD for the rest of the night. guys you would be so proud of me lately i am a super hyper fucking asshole.

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a collaboration.

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wizard medieval times.

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watch your shit yo. how much is that rich guy loving this?

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AND THEN I THREW DOWN A SMOKE DISTRACTION CLOUD CASTING A SPELL TO VANISH MY ASS OUTTA THERE SON Y’ALL BETTA RECANIZE!

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fleet foxes.

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yup i did what i wanted.

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this neighbourhood will be mine. oh yes.

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tales of the medieval disappearing to be continued….

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in bed by midnight. before the pumpkin exploded.

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somehow wicked thin.

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defined.

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this is what i look like after crying. this is defeatism. only pussies cry. am i a pussy? no!

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i reduced my overall body fat by almost 3%. i was like aww that isn’t very good at all and james goes what are you talking about that’s incredible! my arms are actually trimmer too and today as i write this i am even thinner than these pictures of me where i think i look kinda fat. everyone at The Motion Room makes fun of how i dress. james says some things i wear make me look way bigger. ok you’re a fashion expert too now?

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moment of truth.

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i was trying to keep it together, i wouldn’t have cried if everyone in the room didn’t get all dotey and put me in the position where i could get away with crying and soak up some pity party like the diva people think i am. i sweat off makeup profusely enough as is on camera i cannot afford to cry on top of that.

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i do look more fit though right. this was awkward. poor james had to keep it cool while i wept. see how people get head fucked about fitness and their bodies? GO LIFE!

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that shirt is wicked tight tensor-esque so i bet i was way smaller in the chest speaking of, WHAT chest?

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i despise my arms so much. they got smaller. i forget how much but i’ll ask.

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i look like a potato.

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i had to excuse myself to go have an actual diva freak out in the changeroom.

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i sat there like a pathetic turd and then james came in to give me a pep talk, said never weigh yourself (at my dad’s i’m ten pounds lighter on that scale) and then i just erupted in micromachine man speed delivery I WORK OUT 3 TIMES A FUCKING WEEK, LATELY 4 TIMES A FUCKING WEEK! AND I GAINED FIVE POUNDS WHAT THE FUCK JESUS CHRIST and so on. then just sat there with my fists in my eyes. total tantrum. how was that moment for you james?

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immediately followed by the world’s most awkward ultrasound haha. hey can you do that to my uterus next time to get a head’s up on my cycle?

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emoface. i asked my colleague if i looked like shit or like i had been crying in the photos (i am very, extremely, exceptionally, neurotic) and he said no but i looked upset.

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my red towel red pants ensemble makes this look even weirder. confusing. that’s gel on my body.

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your personal trainer becomes your therapist and confidant. kash said sometimes it’s the only physical contact people ever get for days on end or ever when i said oh you must get people telling you all sorts of shit. a client like me is ideal, as i am a motor mouth.

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lovely lovely i cannot wait to get my roots done next week.

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today on the elliptical before my weights and twenty pound jacket that looks like a riot vest, i was thinking, all this stress i battle daily, my looks, my writing, striving for perfection so that i can get more money by landing more and bigger deals, to make lots of money, will i be happy then? what the hell am i going to do with a lot of money? someone i know was told to prepare themselves for one day becoming very wildly rich. can you imagine doing that? so as i was motoring around on my torture device i thought yes it is worth it i know that these lies of society are horrible things but in the end i will be milling around some third world country with money to spend and time to be away from the internet and modern day bullshit. that is my goal. to become the exact opposite of everything i am doing right now (i’ll hang on to the physique though) to be a better charitable person with zero stress. i’d like to see the world.

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jury’s out on who is right about what and where the fat is on this thing. i thought it was the top layer, which has shrunken since my initial assessment.

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it was thicker before. my fat arms. sigh.

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what a little goon.

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i killed this. i beat everything i did, everything matched and topped. megatime.

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right near a shoppers. one of my top ten fave haunts.

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wicked chin. if you are a competitive person in any way shape or form you will love this shit.

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good way to release all my toxins. there’s tons of them. thrice weekly.

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i improved here too but i was in mega torture after the bike. do you like how i was able to escape from the north pole like that on such short notice?

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also if you like feeling euphoric well, giddy-uppa.

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it’s true, gym rats get buzzed on adrenaline. jeff and i finished more or less about the same time, you kind of lose the ability to give a shit about stuff for a half hour it’s great. has done wonders for my depression.

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weird pear shape body i have never seen it look like that before. the tensor shirt and looser pants, i dunno. i have no explanation. what did i do the night before, more like ,what bar did i drink?

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in my fat person’s version of brad pitt in fight club torso definition line you can see my longboard bail scar.

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sucking it in here.

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here go nuts i have no idea what any of this means and i don’t want to know i am still scarred. thank christ it’s a skinny day today or i’d blow some shit up.

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turkey necked but more or less cute enough.

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when i get upset i pick at my ears and go into la la lad. i really am borderline retarded, i honestly think so.

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i reuse these all the time. buy one fancy water and pose like you are an elitist, be amazed by the results!

ok skid rats i need to sort out who i’m taking to the medieval fair ball. everyone seems to be irrevocably useless tonight. if i bring a dude will that be annoying? why bring sand to a desert. hmmm. i will be wandering around like donnie darko with my NOLA cat mask wearing all black, actually way more like creepy tom cruise in eyes wide shut. amazing. yes i am. i need a cape. no way only nerd virgins wear capes. should i bring it and shell out on a major major dress?

tomorrow is another tear at the motion room i heard casie is bringing four people. insanity.

buuuuuuuuhyyyyyyyye!

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this is how i celebrated may 2-4 weekend. i couldn’t write about it at the time because of political reasons. political the bar i used to work at reasons and vacationing with a regular customer reasons. ha. here i am shooting a bb gun. i am hot like that. americans, you can learn all about may 2-4 here. essentially it is a statutory holiday that gets tacked on to the end of a weekend where canadians get wicked fucking drunk and set shit on fire, shoot fire rockets into the sky (fireworks) and pretty much stay drunk for 72 hours at cottages near lakes anything country or rural or northern. it’s how we kick off summer, yet, in spring, and you are basically a failure if you’re left in the city for it. people who do not go way for may 2-4 will let you know all about their disdain for you if you got away and they didn’t. like people you work with. like people you work with and you took off when you only work once a week and that job’s their livelihood and you are a self-entitled dickhead. in all fairness though i didn’t know there was custie beef until after the fact. whoops.

i got better at this.

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my hair is brassier here.

the night prior. those sandals bit the dust thanks to griffon stepping on to the back of one while we were all stumbling obliterated disasters back to the compound as the sun was coming up. sketchy. i bought those sandals on the friday and they lasted til sunday when the sun was coming up. horrorshow.

ok roll it out picture time style now.

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that’s griff. he’s kind of fucking awesome and kind of an intolerable smug bastard. which is a recipe for attraction and is somewhat intoxicating. not everyone will drink that drink but the ones that do, well, you know how it goes. shit show partier too. game on.

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he brought these.

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and this.

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wow i look scary. roots and brass. may two four gives you license to be a skid all weekend long.

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this weekend was an amazing time.

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it was another planet entirely. i dug it.

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gumdropland.

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oh i just remembered this one couple that showed up and the guy was a total sexist sexist fucking asshole euro arrogant big mouth yet looked like letch (you can’t be like that unless you are beautiful). i can’t for the life of me understand these people. are you real dude? i flip-flopped between total shock and awe to disgust and bafflement. in the end it was hilariousness as we were rolling around on the ground around the fire in a field totally mashed and he was calling us witches and “that’s witch talk” abahahahaahaahaah and then all the dudes became witches too and we were cackling hysterically like witches oh it was fucking hysterical my mouth hurts right now remembering it.

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um, wow. i like to keep it b girl chav, aight. i like bbq duty. almost as much as passive aggressive dish washing.

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yum.

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this is about the time i realized i was eating my feelngs in sugar form and bodies don’t stay skinny if you do this.

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my hair is caught in the zipper.

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i am martin short in pure luck. if you ever want anything to do with me you should rent that movie for us to watch together. it makes me crave fried eggs. there’s a scene involving fried eggs. this post is very escapist eh.

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bugs everywhere.

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griff was warned about me from a couple girls who read my blog. be careful, she might write about you. so then i never did. all girls who read my blog who know a guy who may or may not become my next kill blow it for me ever writing about that guy. i heard that one guy got his teeth whitened specifically for my blog. incredible. i never wrote about him because all the chicks at his work read this.

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what is this the set of texas chainsaw massacre?

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awesome.

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in the day time it looked like this.

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hairy m’f’r.

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we slept in there. claimed it. bunk beds. i am not kissing and telling or anything but at this point we haven’t had relations so it was a dance of wooing me all fucking weekend long. poor bastard. plus all the girls were forced to tolerate me because of this and i could tell they really didn’t want to like me. or liked me. i’m the female equivalent to griff and i think he has pissed every single one of his friends off in this group. amazing group dynamics i was front row center for.

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it was still a great time.

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hangover brunch.

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where was this again? cobourg?

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felt europey. muchly appreciated.

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sight seein’. once we left town and the beach the sun came out. always happens like that eh.

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lets see what this thing is all about.

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it’s it-factor has just increased exponentially.

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hmmm, do i or don’t i….

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who’s got your back rihana? i got your back.

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egypt’s too even. wow, do i ever have hot legs or what.

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so what goes on here? seriously where am i again?

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amazing. what is this amazing place?

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i just speed-read this and nowhere does it tell me where victoria hall is yeah i can just google it but come on like i care enough to do that i prefer smoke signals on twitter or until someone comments here.

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after brunch we were not finished consummation.

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then i attempted a reposado. i was the bartender so i made/concocted many fucking rounds of various insanity ranging from sweet to savoury to gasoline paint thinner fantastical. i am someone you want around at a cottage. fact.

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back to the city.

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aaaaaaaaadorable.

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had a shower and went to sunnyside beach. two more months-ish to go then it’s warm again fingers crossed.

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my room is pretty dreamy. i am going to interview every single person who has hung out in tickle trunk grove, specifically congregating for after hours engagements, and ask them what the allure is for them. there’s a fountain next door and you can hear the trickling water splashes and look up at my glow in the dark starred ceiling with an entire wall of open windows behind you and two more to the side. it is a sanctuary nook.

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why are your dirty hobbit feet on my princess bed?

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i wonder what refreshing drink this could be. we were extremely pickled by this point.

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blackberries and pineapple. little minxologist.

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oh how smug am i. ok i have other shit to do thanks for watching.

BURNOUTINGTON OUT.

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the following is partial-satire so don’t lose your cool ok.

Dear Raymi, you stung me a little bit. I just wanted to know why and how come I found out via your blog you were finished with me?

Now if you know who I am and who I hold court with you can get any and all ideas of which posse members I am referring to when I say about a month ago i piledrove a friend of mine like she was a cat in heat and I have never seen a fountain like that before, though I’ve never been to DisneyWorld so. Err, this is a little hard to write because it’s going against the conservative Toronto grain. I just don’t know what happened or when, but, it seems people are mellowing out and getting it on all around you. With each other!

When we go out for a night, I know that without a doubt, I must come out on top if I want to get laid this evening. I must dress better, look better, and be on my game.

Women beat men population-wise so we have more competition. This fact is made apparent when we go out at night. Suitable men we’d consider giving it to are few and far between and what’s more is they don’t fucking approach you. I am going to start referring to myself as butch aggressor because that’s how I feel when I speak to men. I am a completely different person now that I’m not engaged anymore. When I moved back to the city I would pick up a dude, a fucking stud top notch, DAILY. A new breed of woman is on the rise, men.

Not yet named but, for now we’ll call us “girl players”. I, am one of these prizes. A girl player is a mid-twenties urban force to be reckoned with, she is successful, coveted by marketers, parties, pr, events all that stupid fucking garbage. She’s fucked someone you love, someone with influence, money. She doesn’t fall in love because she has no feelings. Her real relationship is her career. She is focused and determined to beat you other women, and men, without question. It was a man’s world until we ate most of you and the other contender big players out there in our peer group, achieving as much as we do, do not exist because they followed the rock dream or make peanuts in whatever plebian creative field they went after. sorry.

I started feeling crazy by the tenth dude, a total ten, I picked up and was trying to juggle/manage along with the famous rock and roller with the enormous wang, the hot teacher, the hot famous indie professional, and so on, it was just, too much. I realized these semi-relationship entanglements were getting in the way of true love, destroying my perception of it. I was trying to pin down man players, multiples of them, at the same time. My ego knows no bounds.

So I lost my game or something and one by one I let them all fizzle out. I became human again. I focused on myself and my work instead, then I became a fucking animal about that.

Sometimes I forget that part of my career is hugely focused on being hot, being a parody of a person, with lots of platinum hair white teeth and sex. There are others like me, we hang out. When we go out, we get to use our notoriety to do whatever we please. It’s ridiculous. We never admit to competing in the business world together but in man world, in the jungles and dancehalls, after a long fucking bastard work week, I am going to fuck everything in sight and blow off steam all over that prey. If I can snag it first.

That’s all I have to say about that, for now.

(this was sex column practice).

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weird bubble day. snow shuts it all down. the night before it like christmas eve. we went to mitzi’s and we drank. i cannot wait for winter to be over and to blame everything on something new.

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the chicken rotisserie at easy, on spelt. we loved this spelt. soon i’ll be getting my hands on some spelt bread at shasha for the family day tour of the factory. oh and before i forget/unrelated, erica come to saturday boot camp with me. it’s $25 bones. anyone else game let me know. i missed my session today and james got wicked pissed at me for it though i thought my colleague canceled it for me. he did not. tell me, when someone says to you in text at 8am “i canceled the gym today” do you interpret that to mean FOR YOU or “i took care of it” ? yes. me too. thanks for agreeing with me. if i get in shit from one more fucking person i am going to take up monster truck racing (passengering) and ride over garbage and houses be totally destructive until my contact rage passes.

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i advise you to watch your a$$. premenstrual guy. the horror of my life is getting to me.

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did i tell you we are naming all of the rooms in advhaus yet? i’m telling you this because we haven’t named the dining room yet. the hallway is called amazon river.

it’s windy like a river and long and scary and things might bite you and pull you under (down the stairs) i wonder if our cheese boutique platter will be ready in time for this saturday night (our jambo at salvador darling) please do come, it will be the first of a monthly series of adventurehouse on the road parties. my room is called tickle trunk grove. the livingroom is partially known as curtains place. FACEBOOK INVITATION LINK

you are seriously mistaken if you think it’s not going to be slammed. no one’s shouted out a dress theme yet but you know me, i like to bring it in the attire department and don’t you know melodiva also likes to kick it. ooh maybe she’ll go as jenean, the mean babysitter. super mean.

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oui oui. ok i just figured it out, it’s lady night a la revolutionary road and if you make one mad men reference you can fucking forget about it right now. real life shit only.

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look it’s me hi i am cute it’s true, we can talk about it. i’m open. sometimes i feel bad for people who get conned into looking deep into my scandinavian wood wife good looks i know it’s coming and then SLAM right in the face what a eye scoop. i know it should be an eye scoop but i’m really trying to drive the stupidity personae today. then steer it right into tomboy jerkoff. they’re pretty tied.

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home made thai curry made just for me by a special buddy. what is the male equivalent to the saying special lady friend? hahaha. very nice evening. watched the sag awards was utterly confused by it the entire time. betty white you my girl, ho. fo sho.

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look what i did. i enjoy obsessively tidying up after myself killing time until the next task. a lot of a type personalities are like this. total sickness. don’t worry i do not make a habit of this shit. feeling the need to clean up psychotically to make your partner love you more is desperate and sad. guess how many times i used to do it all the time. cleanliness is a buffer.

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i was proud of this. the american runs the dishwasher for like three cups and a bowl. madness. typical american. i had three cups of those instant starbucks jobbies. i like them. very easy. will start doing that now and kill the planet until starbucks is synonamous with wal*mart.

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jughead’s girlfriend slash sweet onion bun of perfection. if you wanted to endearingly call me sweet onion i wouldn’t be adverse to it.

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i love raymi’s mailbag. what could it beeeeee?

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oh happy surprise.

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jesus so angry. kind of scary in a psychic’s crystal ball reading of my valentine’s day future if it doesn’t go the way i want i will be standing in my room staring into betty‘s eyes. they are very nice and soft to squeeze like a tension ball i can tell the foam core is similar to some orthopedic pillow stuffing.

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dude relax! ok here’s what the cute and clever copy on the tags read:

a monster named betty

when watching sentimental movies with her friends, betty is the only one who doesn’t cry. she’s a “realist”.

she’s made in toronto and is organic hippie nerd approved. alrighty i asked for two so i could give one away. so, who wants a betty? what sad bastard chick like me out there with anger problems and quite possibly other mental ailments needs a litle pick-me-up in the mail care of aunt raymi? ***tell me why in the comments i should send you a betty*** so we can be betty friends wow is this gay or what and you know what i’ll open it up to dudes, you have feelings too right? somewhere in there. say it don’t spray it. you have until saturday.

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really love the royal york hotel because it reminds me of home alone 2 and the hotel kevin stayed in, the ritz? i love that movie.

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thought about going to the roundhouse saturday night but it was a $600 ticket for a japanese festival dinner of some sort. hmm, that’s a little out of my price range and i don’t care enough about it to make calls and make it happen. we went out for cheaper sushi elsewhere on queens quay.

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dreary out there. i was warm up in a cloud smoking clouds the wifi was out (i unplugged the jack a bit oops) i obsessively cleaned the condo lovingly did the dishes worked on the bed took a lot of photos of myself, enjoyed the vitamin d from the sky and all the window light cos i know i don’t get enough of that, i’m a bit of a hermit and adventurehouse is also know as curtains place, swathed in weatherstripping i literally live in a bubble wrapped room. quite cozy though.

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remember when i was tanned? roots are growing innnnn. my princess earphones match my diamond earrings.

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snow queen. i have no idea why people try to tell me they like my dark hair better like i asked (please shut up already or write it in your nerd journals i’m fucking busy)(this guy de-friended me over it! he’s the one who started it and got rude then personally attacked me).

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taking photos like this is a trip, back to the old school. is it good? we soon shall see. it has actually re-ignited my fondness of photography and if these are in fact any good then we know i am skilled.

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skilled and beautiful. i have my poses down pat. melodie said she doesn’t pose, jokingly as i was taking her photo and she was posing and i said well do you want to look good in a picture or not? up to you.

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this is what happens when the internet doesn’t work.

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and it’s like minus sixteen outside.

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that looks like a harajuku masterpiece. my hair. and a sweet onion. same colour too.

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this ring matches the cute little socks i bought.

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i can’t change any of the settings on the camera. i can’t make videos. i am actually going to have to spend money on a camera now.

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this part of my outfit is the hunter from red riding hood and robin hood. did robin even wear a hood? no he didn’t he wore a stupid fucking peter pan hat. get it straight dickheads. we’re now in denis leary stand up phase. speaking of stand up wait’ll you get a load of what happened at the rivoli monday night.

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woah check my eyes. scary.

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these cups aren’t big enough for the insta brew. i drink my coffee in this big cup melodie and lucas got at her brother’s wedding (congratulations adam and olga june 20 2010 thanks for the mug i get more out of it than those kids do) as well as a cheers pint from boston.

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i made my own infinity pool inspired infinity mug. things are fun in my castle on a cloud. (name the musical)

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grey day grey building concrete everywhere bleh it’s like 1976.

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i wore oatmeal aa tights over my brown leggings and my big drapey sail shirt. steph loves the story about me wearing it on a windy day riding my bike up huron against the wind already battling up hill i was in hell it sucked then i blew super fast through the intersection like an actual fucking sail no one saw coming. it was hilarious. hell, then hilarious. that would be me.

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dom was hilarious.

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the american almost punched out this piece of trash. we were a classier version of these drunken wastoids blabbering in the front row, those bottles on the table are their after-carnage, they were totally drinking all day long. then the last comic said i was really chatty during his set we wanted to leave for but stayed to be polite (how canadian) and i was like oh no you didn’t, i go, oh, are you calling me out? in a snarky sarcastic voice that makes you want to punch me in the face and it kind of ruined the rest of his set. whatever man the entire fucking night was a gong show everyone was loaded and intense, sloppy and genius. the guy also goes oh, YOU have a bottle of wine. ha yeah that’s right motherfucker we also had a half litre before it. (the american doesn’t know what a litre is).

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so once the drunk girl said to the metro comedian that he likes to take it in the ass (ten times)(gay slag not cool) my rage boiled over and i said ok honey you are so trashy, that is SOOOO trashy and you! to the guy, your hair is too stupid for how mouthy you’re being right now and he goes i haven’t said ONE word (bullshit they were loud talking through the entire show, 4 comedians before that) aggressively towards me and then the american gets up to punch him and then it was a mob scene of people everywhere. wasn’t it great! i liked that i had my grandma’s rich girl kercheif on and smug bottle of wine on the table. i don’t normally go classist but if you hate slur then you best be prepared to get put in check, bitch guy i will guttermouth you in to next week. then i was worked in to various comedian’s acts then it was all downhill from there and i was “talking too much” hero to zero, that’s how i did.

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prior to that everyone in the room took turns telling them to shut the fuck up, fuck off, be quiet, super yelly too. everyone knew it was coming it was just a matter of who would claim the prize. your hero did not disappoint guys.

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i had the quinoa salad, we shared the chicken curry roti (still the best) as the wookie balls. i decided on everything because i am controlling like that and know how to do everything the right way. it’s not bossy really i just feel that if you’re going to experience a place you’ve never tried before, have the best of what it has to offer. have the best experience always. why settle for less? i am not a settler. this is why i am going to die alone on toronto island in my crazy lady garden with long white gandalf hair pretending i’m the spaced out chick from the robber bride. she hugged her lover with an egg in her pajama pocket from her henhouse and it crushed, she was going to make it for him for breakfast. um, darling much?

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i look like a quebecois countryside apple farm family restaurant danseur. yes they actually exist, culled from personal experience here. you’re welcome for the schooling. this post is super longgggg ughhh.

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weird but kinda, good?

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now a word from the blackberry photos.

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this one i am cute in because i am kind of boyish in it. you can only enjoy me in the way i tell you to.

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hoof it home no way please i’ll take me time right here.

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my head is cropped and fitted perfectly in this shot.

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too ronaldy too clowny too crazy. i’ll do it with something though sometime.

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ring matching.

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nana says i am bonnie. that means curvy hot. nana you are a perv. amazing. mom send me those pics of nana in her nightie.

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i hate that i missed my tmr today. they have me by the nards. i’ll post my assessment pictures soon. i look visibly upset in them. it was the day i cried about learning my weight. how can i look like this yet weigh so much?

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bye

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the jerk store called and said they were running out of me so i gotta go now. to burnoutington. to grab my longboard. i am requested for an audition. they need another queen west skater girl. if i get it i go to chile to film the commercial. so this means i have to get my passport photo taken whilst in the west i’ll go to the same place i went to last time and go have a tan while they’re being developed like last time and i’ll scowl like last time, my hair is the same length i can totally look like me 5 years ago except skinnier in the face.

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ok wipe that horrible photo from your memory with this!

i’m such a priss i use baby wipes for my no no place.

tony says he gets goosebumps when he reads my blog.

can you see the raymi?

wearing that kerchief was a dumb idea. made my head all fat. meh.

what is this shit, a sitcom? yeah, pretty much. ok i think i am retiring “pretty much”. say good bye.

mom you so obviously do not cook anymore, this is how you tie an apron?

A for effort.

posh takes over.

trying to get through to my mom is like trying to talk to a brick wall sometimes. she has severe ADD.

firecracker gloria punctures the coug biosphere, a most welcome addition. she cut me off like crazy to talk about all her crazy things it was funny. the most unattractive facial expressions i have on are when i’m chewing and trying to pull faces at her blabbering. backfire. you win this round gloria.

taking orders. my server helper could not read my chicken scratch. maybe if she’s nicer to me next time i’ll write more legibly.

there’s a tv up there so if you’re bored out of your mind next time at my boom party then you can look at it in-between being cougar prey and made fun of.

gloria had her own purse hook. of course she did.

that hot hunchback over there would be your darling hero.

what am i making? who knows.

goin’ zen.

i belong in a parisian patisserie, non? i would also like to highlight how much of a team player i am.

i said to muffy whilst motioning at a customer in a banquette booth, i slept with that guy and then steven (cameraman) busted up laughing, caught it over the mic. we pretended not to recognize one another. he was with a younger girl, also, he is bat shit crazy.

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all day all night long every time someone learned she was my mom they were delighted and melted. i used mom as a shield to make colombia be nicer to me. you can’t be mean to a kid in front of the mother bear. my mom would throw down for sure.

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kerouac turkey neck bluhh if i ever make enough money i’m getting us all gizzard neck plastic surgery.

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come on girls lets get this party in gear.

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this was a very fun day. some days you aren’t sure about, you may take for granted how severely fun they are, then one by one everyone trickles in their feedback. overwhelming consensus is once a month coug crawl. next time there will be an army of us and it will hopefully be warmer.

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maybe even gloria.

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i’ve never enjoyed being a girl’s girl more, well, i’ve earned it. having a waterfall of women is no easy thing to maintain.

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talkin’ about my arm fat. it consumes me.

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i seriously thought she was going to join us on our man hunt.

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there’s billions of back and forth chatter on my mom’s facebook regarding all these photos and the night out i wouldn’t even know where to begin selecting what to post here. the guys we met later on said it was hands down the most fun night they’ve had in toronto in the entire year being here for work.

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i need to do brunch more often.

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i do not like being upstaged.

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what’s that now? oh right we had a discussion about racism. thrilling.

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barb and i look similar. too bad holly didn’t come out (her daughter) she and i machine gun motor mouth talk at the same speed.

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listen to me. i am right always.

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twins!

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i wonder where she lives. will she invite me to tea?

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payce bredren!

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then i bussed everything and gave my server all the tips and didn’t pocket any.

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gross are those mom arms?

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here i’m making sylvia give me money.

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i could go for a hamburger right now. so pre-menstrual.

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the thumper comes out time to go.

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why does my mom get to have a tinier head than me? is it because your head shrinks as you age? her face is bigger and wider than mine, hers is square-shaped mine is heart-shaped. yes it is a competition. she is 5’7 i am 5’8.

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here i look like a little ant who won’t shut up or go away aren’t i cute?

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ok bye now.

do not forget to inform your cashier at any three BOOM LOCATIONS about the RAYMI D(iscount) List. lemme cover your tax. also you can follow BOOM and tweet about your brunch and they will tweet right back atcha if you were requiring attention for some reason or other (hey, we all do).

locations: 808 College street, 1036 st clair ave west, and 174 eglinton avenue west (egglington, hahah). you can click on each address to see a post featuring me at each one. fungry.

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who likes sex? who liked sex ed? how un-fun was that? imagine going back in time and discussing all the shit you wish your secret whore teacher would say to you in grade seven. my teacher was italian and unwed at thirty. i hope to god she was not a virgin.

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this was the first time i ever got my hands on that infamous pussy buffer and it almost sanded my pants off, those costa blanca jeans are already paper thin as is the magic wand brought them pretty close to sayonara town.

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it’s actually a back massager then one day a frisky chick decided to take matters into her own hands because her husband sucked at getting her off. i am just kidding i have no idea who the first woman in history to masturbate with a power tool was but she gets my salute and clit at full mast.

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look, lets be honest here. i am not even going to pretend anymore it is quite possible that i have a sex addiction slash problem. i don’t see it as a problem, it’s healthy i think, but what i mean is for the sake of this feature i’m not going to pretend that i am not a giant pig who could put the most disgusting perverted player asshole to shame if it came down to it.

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i mean, if blasting was a competition i’d get high scores.

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i’m not a nymphette. i don’t know what i am. ok enough about me lets talk about how you could discretely please yourself with a jackhammer.

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lipstick vibe with a purple light. so darling. yeah you can borrow my lipstick my makeup bag is in my purse. i hope you have dental insurance for all the teeth you cracked using my horny-to-go lipstick.

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meet Carlyle Jansen. i have never seen anyone suck a cock so cavalierly and without a hint of sheepishness before it was as seedy as folding laundry in the summertime sunshine in a whimsical meadow.

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the rabbit. that thing has so many bells and whistles. one day i will have an arsenal of toys. for now it’s ole neutrogena facial scrubber massager that’s powerful enough to buff out car dents and um, i really hope my dad doesn’t read this post.

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the focus of this workshop was sex toys and carlyle kept it pretty tame, she did combine a little bit of head 101 nearing the end which was awesome and greatly appreciated. i want to go to the full on raunchy S&M workshop so i can maybe become a dominatrix and make a shit ton of money before i become old and busted seahag looking. my body is my business tool. why the hell do you think i work out 3/4 times weekly?

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you’re supposed to let the rotating beads do their work and not grind them down so the motor shorts out and let the rabbit ears tickle your little man in the boat oh wicked i get to use all the funny clit terminology i’ve accumulated in life. this is a great ah-ha as well as HA HA moment. doing geometry or learning about magnets in school oh miss teacher how will i ever need to know about isosceles triangles when i’m out buying green peppers at the supermarket as a mother? i seriously asked a question like this once during math class which was met with a you’ll see, it WILL be useful to you one day lauren and i 100% get to call bullshit on that because i spent my early friday night evening watching a woman teach me how to fuck myself with various household objects for my career and not once did we discuss isosceles triangles. not once.

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when someone comes at you with a vibrating dildo like this i think they mean business. it’s $90 straight if you come in there with your RAYMI15 discount so no tax. i am going to obsessively pore over all the toys when i’m finished this post and select my favourite, if you have any recommendations put them in the comments and we can sext each other about it.

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i tested the motor of every single toy passed around on my crotch and yes i lined it up. i don’t think visiting a sex shop on the fly and doing that with all toys on display would be appreciated much less allowed so when you go to your workshop party with your gal friends make sure you do as i do, as well as what i say. in fact, you should probably stop whatever independent thought you may have left and just leave it all up to me for how you should live your life from now on. casie so wants to fuck me in this picture.

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melodie had the best outfit on, she had this baby green (that’s why i love it so much it’s a baby colour hue) sweater cardigan. i just texted her and said i am thinking about her and her lady outfit she wore friday night and she was basically a sexy tree and now that’s my new term until i next forget it. i’ll tell you what i am thinking at the time of holding this and the photo being taken and what i am thinking is wow i really want to put this inside me.

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take it. how much do you love my outfit?

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this one is amazing it looks like a computer mouse and it has various vibrating rhythms like the shiatsu chair at the mall with those balls that go up and down your spine except this is for your clit and labia area.

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i pointed out how much i loved that the purple rabbit matched tara’s purple outfit. she has great style. it’s nice that the placard on the wall also is purple-toned. there was a purple water bottle across the room i kinda wanted to add to the shot because i am anal like that. guess who is wearing a purple shirt right now writing this post. BUT WHAT DOES IT MEEEEEEEAN!? (i also just used the word anal in a non-sexual way in a post about a sex workshop).

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i left this workshop horny as hell so make sure you have someone to molest once you get outta there.

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shannon look i found my nail polish that matches your manicure.

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sex sponge for when you’re on the rag. ew “on the rag” but yeah haha i asked if you could just go to dollarama and cut up a big sponge. carlyle poo-poo’d that one. i couldn’t tell the difference between the types of sponges though it’s probably super hygienic and safer to use these guys though personally when i do it on my red tide i like it to look like a massacre when i’m done, crime scene nightmare. i keeps it real.

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imagine what it would look like when you’re done. you throw it out after right? yeah totally must. see i just learned something all by myself.

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if you have a loose pussy put this thing inside you. wear it all day and practice your kegals, squeezing it. there’s a weight in it too that counter-balances your movements and bounces up and down within and you get tighter the more you do this, more control of your muscles and then you can have drunk sex with all the sloppy tiny limp dicks you want because you’ll be able to grip city. not to brag or anything but i’m wicked tight already so i don’t need this. maybe once i have a kid i’ll need it. insert hot dog down a hallway joke. ps. carlyle has an amazing finger tat, see? she is cool man.

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i wonder what melodie was saying here.

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guess who bragged the most about their sex skills.

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i think i’m complaining about how much guys suck at dirty talk. yup i am definitely complaining about that. seriously men, get it together.

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then carlyle drew a star trek spaceship looking vagina diagram beginning with the dots. we have three holes. the pee one and the um, fuck i forget already good thing i took a to-go diagram. melodie didn’t even know that we had three holes down there and she knows everything.

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vagina puppet probably the scariest puppet ever. can you imagine if we had vaginas on our forehead.

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i have smallish hands so if anyone needs um, that. moving along now.

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thinking very hard.

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shock and awe.

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don’t forget about the speed bag. ew EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW sorry ahgahah.

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then we watched the most graphic up close video footage of a chick having a mind blowing orgasm, we saw her cum and gush and wow, i forget what the terminology is because i was too busy making many disgustingly hilarious jokes at the time. she came this oozy white substance as well as trickle gushed dad PLEASE STOP READING THIS IF YOU ARE ahaa.

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getting ready for it.

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there was like a village of people working on her it seemed. i asked if we got to see her face. i think it’s safe to say i was the most immature and vocal person in the room.

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what a way to start off your friday night. we don’t half-ass it in these parts, ever.

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tin man dildo time.

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look how professional i am. i’m so right in there. mhhmm mhmm yep, i see, ok, yep mhmm mhhmm ok great.

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again, carlyle for the win.

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casie looks bored but that’s only because she’s already a sexpert. me i just won’t shut up.

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she makes it look so easy. melodie looks like a stunned little boy. tara is straight loving it. i wonder if any of these chicks were secretly turned on by all this.

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what the hell am i pretending to be looking for? dear life, why am i what i am?

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i think i’m asking about anal, a show of hands please. i can’t go there, wicked wicked tight.

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so limber. i bet she fucks like a perfectionist and you’re left afterward in your sweat and tears of euphoria and she is like, ok next. or you’re having trouble climaxing and she comes back with this completely technical explanation of why you can’t achieve orgasm YOU’RE TOO MUCH IN YOUR HEAD FOCUS ON THE RELEASE GOOD GOOD NOW KEEP GOING and so on.

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oh my god ok are you ready for this? everyone choose your favourite flavour. mel and i chose cola, everyone else chose strawberry though i don’t know what tara chose i will ask her on facebook and come back here with the answer when i have it. it’s important. i take this shit very seriously.

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that is how far i could deep throat my condom down the shaft. disaster. unacceptable. i assure you my deep throating skills are way better than this on a real dick cos you can thrust in flesh cock way easier especially when you aren’t in a room full of your friends. casie got hers down all the way also red condom looks way sexier than my gross clinical beige looking dome. hahaha one of my friends has a fetish for brown pantyhose on women i bet he is hard as a rock right now looking at my sad deflated looking masterpiece.

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i have zero clue what this was about. carlyle taught us how to put a condom on with our mouths. they don’t teach that in sex ed therefore you know it’s a super slutty skill.

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same colour as my condom. i am getting closer to learning what flavour she chose.

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hahahaehehehheheheheeeeheheheheahahahaehaehaehaeaeaheha. yes.

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we learned some dick sucking techniques. my favourite to watch carlyle perform was the dolphin. i was too shy to demonstrate what i learned though.

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see how mature i was.

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yum, soda pop penis flavour.

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amazing. this woman, she is amazing.

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no matter the girlish squealy commentary i was screaming out at the time of this knob licking, carlyle didn’t once break form. do you know what it’s like making eye contact with someone while they perform “the dolphin”?

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i think you really need to experience it for yourself. i bragged about my deep throating expertise and carlyle was like tell me it, so i did, then melodie was like mmhmm sister and offered up her wisdoms on how to take it.

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so pretty and housewifey and smiley and ladylike haha. now all you have to do is just keep smiling and be obedient and you will be able to please your man like so. there’s gotta be an eating pussy workshop i think all men should be forced to take one.

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i would have no problem teaching it.

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yup, just like that. down the hatch.

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and if you don’t want to swallow that spunk you perform a technique called the harmonica and just let it fly out like a supersonic projectile arc of love sauce willy nilly wherever you like. some people in the room said they enjoyed swallowing. i said fuckin’ no way i spit that shit back out onto their stomachs hahahah. swallowing is earned. if they’re about to cum i just time it so it fires up their nose HAhahaahabhahahaa then walk away and light up a doob. alright already hurry the fuck up i got shit to do.

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she looks like she’s driving a monster truck.

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totally paying attention.

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i really want a real looking dildo because i am a pervert.

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you become comfortable in this uber welcoming space super fast and all the tits and cocks become no big deal. it’s really an ideal precursor to a fun girls night out of debauch and take it to the grave activities.

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they say that learning never ends. it’s nice to keep on top of things.

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clearly it was a lot of fun.

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haha look at casie.

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i’d let her do me. no problem. who says we haven’t already.

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look at my serious face.

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casie is wearing a kabbala bracelet.

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eat a bag of dicks is one of her sayings. well, it would be my pleasure. look at the sexy tree in the background.

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baby it’s cold outside.

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the boutique downstairs and we were totally kids in a candy store except chicks in a dick store. i bought liquid silk and these. my weekend companion said they were the best underwear he has EVER seen and most favourite underwear he’s ever seen. ever.

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someone likes it rough.

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yowzers.

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mine.

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priceless.

ok brosephs thanks for staring. if you want me to come along for comedic relief with your gaggle of slutty friends to a workshop someday i am more than game. if you don’t need me, and you don’t, then go try one of the other workshops, there’s many to choose from. i can only imagine what it would be like to sit in with the cougs for a workshop. i would die. absolutely die. also, don’t forget you have all of february to use your RAYMI15 discount on any and all merchandise for sale in the store, we all know how expensive sex toys are across the board so this is a really sweet hook-up. let me know if you buy anything so i can add it to my future bragging list (you know i will) that i’ll one day drunkenly use to my advantage whilst networking with someone i am trying to convince to advertise on my blog or sleep with. same thing pretty much ahahhaa.

you can follow GOOD FOR HER on twitter and like it on facebook.

good for her was founded in 1997 and i know they’re the real deal amazing because in 2000, the same time i started my blog, i was interning at a quarterly women’s magazine and GFH placed an ad in every issue and i was always mesmerized by this cult-like seeming body of women in our city and they inspired and empowered me to BE raymi the minx on those messageboards and be proud of this brazen big mouth ray of sunshine that i am and passing GFH on harbord there’s just this cosmic hippie annex-type of energy the structure emits, it is special and it is good and carlyle does a lot of good for people and i think that’s a solid and should be applauded. she’s in a league with sue johanson absolutely. anyway, that’s my little personal gfh-related anecdote not to be all feminist lesbo about it (actually, FULLY to be femilezi about it). ps. carlyle called it good for her to avoid the whole WOMYN/WOMEN fiasco that feminists started. i asked if it was for when a chick snaps one out really good someone points and says GOOD FOR HER! carlyle was like um, no. what can i say, all me all the time.

MISSED YOU GUYS HELLO MONDAY!

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