31 ways to die is being put on hold for a few days jajajaja. There’s a lot more stuff to blob as always but this should do for now, from my crapp-ay phone. Ps. here is the facebook event for the Junko Mizuno burlesque/art event I am dancing in. Will be fun fun and yay cray. That is why my party dare death wish is being put on pause, also because I am coming down with something and maybe dying, I felt it wash over me yesterday as we were heading to the canlit thing in the cold wind of course dressed as a stupid shivering girl and no hat or mitts. Time for more eating.
How’s about that wind, Toronto? Once I struck that pose urryone started doing it. One guy in a beamer crawled slowly through the light cellphone pic’ing it I thought it was hysterical. The driver was fine, we thumbs upped each other.
Fun times. Tell you all about it tomorrow.
Lots of funny things and jokes. Slipped on cinnamon, on water, balloon and nerf darts in the face wearing helmets typical harth/bnotions shenans.
Everyone played with the wings.
Fans were here I spaced on the email, I skim, and barely. It was very fun and interesting and a great idea for a party I was like Jules wait until you get here jajaja.
Matt and I are going to do a shoot together. He is a Matt the minx.
Matt you broke the chain. You should never break the chain. That is when I slipped on water and cinnamon and it was hilar city.
This is the story about how language goes to die. One innocent girl’s night out quickly turns into a bunch of squeaky shrill cackly witch hooting and prehistoric verbage skills giving even cavewomen a bad name. Wait that sounds wrong, I mean we don’t talk good no more. What am I talking about I don’t fucking know read on dudes, secure and happy in the thought that it’s TGIFuckthisshit day!
The theme for my blog and life for the month of March (my birthday month as we all know and ignore) is 31 WAYS TO DIE. My bday is at the tail-end of March, on the thirty-first. I am that close to being an April Fool. My life would be forever changed for it, that, but anyhow I have 31 nights of partying in store and I think by my champagne birthday (I love these invented party justifications)(that’s turning 31 on the 31st btw) all my Minx hi-jinx will be about done. I’ve effectively forecasted and packaged the next three years of my life for prospective reality whatever the hell persons and tv outlets to start mulling over. However, lets get through this month first shall we and see how good I do at my own invented dare. Yes the stupid crap never ends.
And then I will pass the party wand on to Jules while Bechnique and I go off to our moon hut on a hippie cray farm compound and make our own manure from compost (wait that’s not how you do it lol) and make sun-catchers and have scraggily hair and be bitter about my entire fucking life in the form of book. OR we will be in Hollywood Hills with Blowhan, take your pick.
Hey it could happen. Shyea right Wayne and monkies could fly out of my butt. Hey wait a minute if we’ve ever learned anything from tv, in Wayne’s World every one of Wayne’s dreams come true AND happy ending always. Plus they got Farley in WW2. Ha ha Wayne’s War World Two. I just blew my little woman mind o_o. Speaking of SNL allumnai, Bech’s bud Serg knows Norm Mcdonald’s niece and so we talked about SNL for a good twenty minutes. I am like I must meet her. Hi if you are reading this tell your uncle what’s up.
Now where was I, oh yes. I introduced the Yay Cray Society to the by the way game. No one was at all drunk at this point so it wasn’t funny at all but then that first drink on an empty (waiting to eat tacos) stomach started happening and we applied BY THE WAY after every single sentence and it was funny. Sprinkle lightly throughout the night randomly and the more gonged you are the funnier the snort laugh HEE-Haws come out and whatever the fuck anyone was talking about is immediately forgotten and abandoned. Yay Cray is low on attention spans.
I made ten thousand Wicker Man jokes about us. Those stupid girls had no idea what that meant. Oh my god I am so glad it’s not witch burning times, this guy right here I like to call me? So burned like years ago. (ps yay cray club your yay cray homework is reading my wicker man blog post and we will have to watch the orig together because I haven’t seen it and we will need a big bag of old man popcorn too).
This is why I need plastic surgery her name is Jules, I am hanging out with a 20 year old. We only let her drink water and eat candy. True say. Before anyone starts ripping on me for corrupting this protege, you cannot corrupt the corrupted. Oh snap. I mean, we are protective of her that is all she can fuck up all she likes (no she can’t!!!) I also hung out with older chicks my entire life and now I am the age of the chicks who liked to tear it up and the dudes I blasted/dated, it’s strange but nice and now I “get it”. We tell her not to be us every four seconds and she’s like noo whyyyyyy lol.
You look like a baby adorablah giraffe thank you for that.
And here is when sexy died. I asked one of the waitor guys to take this picture of our Yay Cray society official handshake. Picture it with more girls SO Wicker man. I am going to get us all to do it tonight obvis and then all guys will be scared and know not to fuck with us ever. FUN!
Yay Crays eat a lot of tacos. We abstain to better harness our yay cray powers so no pink ones yet, only once it’s the solstice hey guys do you think I can earn witchcraft klout points? Yay Crays talk about funny things like pink raisins. Think about it. Lol.
Yay Cray came to me in a Penny Packer induced lucid waking dream, maybe a taco arrived? I expressed the two most beautiful words in english history yay cray and the rest is history. No seriously I am not saying yay cray ever again after this fucking day for at least a week and then only in secret, to my yay crays.
Our friends in the underground send us secret messages like this druid candle, what it’s no coincidence that it was on our table and that there is a big curtain cloak when you walk in there? Oh and look at the red light on my hand, I am a wizard. Is that an Exit sign? BUT WHAT DOES IT MEAN. Probably a reflection from the candle/light flash OR, wait for it, contact from Zul?
Pictures galore. Photo cred big-ups to my girl Bech who takes care of all of that. I drove life documenting second nature obsession home so hard my best friend toilet paper does it for me. This is like Andy and Edie now haha you are a skinny artist Rebecca and I get to be the trainwreck muse.
And payment is fifty pictures of her and Jules doing facebook selfies on my blog. Whatever man they’re good for business, guys are fan-girling the Yay Crays like Cray. Jules got tons of friends in the night they’re all jocking her hard. Oh, wait a minute here comes another movie analogy (metaphor? what?) I am Regina Gorge and Jules is Kaddy, Kady? and maybe if we are lucky some day down the road I can scream in to the night I invented you. Ha nah, mean girls don’t win so f- that s-.
We were waiting for one more photo (a flattering one for once jeez cray get it together) and she was ignoring us so then we were like WAHH won’t do it in baby mocky voice and this is the photo of it thanks.
Jules thing is “weird shoes” girl. Get a parrot next and wear it on your shoulder, then a fancy hat. Then walk around Parkdale for a little bit. Yay cray Hazing is never over. It’s like a gang. There is no getting out either except for the witness protection program because once you’ve been blogged your entire life is ruined anyway right.
Longboarding accident so I wore a tensor bandage. Kidding it just looks like that.
Get your Yay Cray on quick seats are filling up fast. There is no shortage of cray girls in the city.
Best friend TP needs a mirror flash photography intervention. You will never make that happen ok, it will never work out for you, I love you and that is why I am telling you to never take a picture in the mirror again with the flash on there is no Yay Cray in history who has ever been successful in this endeavour no matter how much Witch craft they source from watching Nicolas cage get burned alive inside the wicker man *spoiler*. Thanks be to Cray + a Yay Cray handshake. There there.
There you go now (said in Stella baby voice) good girl aaand it’s too dark in here lets go to the lcbo Yay Cray allons-y. (unrelated, how much faking of knowing how to speak french would it take to get hired as a flight attendant, I wonder).
I brought my own tupperware to Grand Electric but then I forgot to order some to go and I wanted to keep it there (seriously I will be back next week to eat more) but our waitress did not take me seriously (who does?) and so I walked it to Yay Cray palisades and left it there after threatening that I would get this tupperware home safe and sound. I failed. That was a Nay Cray. Lulz.
They wore normal outfits and matching druid-like adult jackets. I dressed like Jimminy Cricket. Well, guess who is the founding father of Yay Cray society (aka Club Yay Cray) after all, ah-duh. I think we should have Zissou Society style rings for the Little Raymis all over the world and we will individually type our adorablah Yay Cray member letters on type writer now who wouldn’t want that in the mail? You are stupid and go back to bed if the answer to that is no.
Yay Cray commentary on the above photo that I can remember: making fun of my scarf like I just left an Italian restaurant ayyyy! Jules hair and face obscured by my tups got the most laughs. My stupid thigh highs. Jules is too close to the curb, we yanked her from near the edge of the street a couple times and yelled HEY I CARE ABOUT YOU! At the same time. Barrel of non-stop laughs.
Oh wait, now one for the older ladies yeah guy!
Hi!
We watched (tried) to watch Jersey Shore. Will have to re-watch again tonight before going out. Again. Zzzz.
HAah these are the worst pictures. Blog it!
Here we go now that is more like it. It’s a catch 22 to get a Yay Cray salute going because of all the yay cray in the room GUYS no this way, or Rebecca is ALWAYS holding something in one of her stupid hands and she delays a yay cray NEVER delay a Yay Cray EVER. It’s ok this post is a rule guide meant for learning. If you have to drop a glass full of water and shatter it for a Yay Cray DO IT. Okay you can put it down first but make it speedy or perform the Yay Cray with said object in hand too.
I need to go drink some gingerale all this trying so hard is making me thirsty. Thank god it’s over. Yay Cray meeting adjourned.
Here is a question (I want it to be answered free of age bias and not turn in to a haha fuck you raymi get a job and grow up answer) okay here it is: How do you effectively get rid of party guilt? Like, any kind of drug and booze concoction party guilt, maybe you talked some shit or inversely learned some shit talked about you and now it’s the next day and you’re drinking a bowl of hot coffee soup and you feel like apologizing to everyone? Or your boyfriend? What do you do other than world’s biggest doobie? This started out jokey and got retarded sorry but I kind of had a jokey vision for it anyway. Like Ho-hum deet deet dee Raymi no problem! All ya gotta do is dance a jig in your livingroom or something stupid so you can just talk about simple bloggy things but now I am sorry I even asked.
Love you bye.
ps. I was actually going to send this in to a hipster blog magazine instead but knew I would just be made fun of so may as well keep it all here in the winner’s circle. Brb with some Yay Cray.
pps.
I am becoming a member in the hopes that, oh I dunno, maybe get the cosmos rolling and in the event that I somehow have the dough for the other half of a secret sexy procedure. Maybe my mom can do it first as guinea pig. Yes plastic surgery “is gross” and unnecessary but I am pretty sure every single celebrity you love has had something done and am I a celebrity? Not with this fucking face no. I am taking matters in to my own hands now or the surgeon’s. Ok shut up whatever it’s just a fantasy blog okay girls in the next post we are riding unicorns together. Thanks be to cray, amen.
I’ve always wanted to play blind man’s buff. I don’t even know how to play and I have my own dirty version in mind or suspicions of how it’s played and how it ends up, I will give you a hint: orgy. LOL. Teacher says all my stories are about sex. What! So not true. Pretty true. And not just because we figured out who the night ghost rapist is heheh. Do you ever wake yourself up to find yourself ahh err like a chihuahua on a stuffed toy? That happens if you go to bed thinking hor-nay thoughts *I HEARD* and also in this totally fictional fable of a story about someone else I heard that the girl’s bf woke up too but didn’t know what had just happened to him and then I heard she just laid there as if it didn’t happen and he fell back asleep and she was like phew. Totally heard about this just the other day gaha man what a loser.
Before that we will play the SECRETS game. Courtney is a big fan of that one HAr har.
I don’t think I will let any boys touch this though, they can use a ratty one or whatever happened to that skanky playboy one we had? haha. I know the strap popped off.
Life is but a dream.
I don’t let his pillows touch mine either, he needs to change them. I know people hate me because they think I am a snotty stuck up bitch or princess, whatever. It’s just a persona guy and two, it’s hilarious and facetious? As if I would be the type of person to demand distance from my pillows but bed time IS a war zone and every man for ‘emself if your pillows take up more space than mine and touch my side so that I am at the edge of the bed with the dog on top of my legs I think I get a beginner’s fighting chance by expressing the rules about bare pillows touching my new silk pillowcases. Someone is eating popcorn out there right now loving this shit up so that is why I bother. The hallmark of my “personal” “lifestyle” “blogging” (ok too many quotations there) “brand” (sorry that one’s a doozy) is long-winded blabbity super crap and always has been. I had an a-ha moment that even my haters, despite hating, they LOVE the cray shit. Which isn’t even cray, it’s just a running dialogue that they highlight, dissect, judge, manipulate, expand upon (falsely), attack, etcetera all as a means to distract my focus. Emailing me when I am spooning on the couch about more hate threads like get a fucking life already I mean it. Picking apart my every tiny thing like I am a bad person which takes up all of the time of a dedicated righter of wrongs kind of person, namely me. When why should I care about a circle of people manipulating the truth of my life to mess with my head so that I am more exhausted by all of this bloggy shit so that I can’t ever move passed it.
If any other cool or successful person that I know of got what I got for their field or life, some of them being masochists would love it I am sure and others would just be confused. I am used to this bad treatment of daily garbage feeding sad to say. I am accused of not knowing how to cook and that’s why we get take out all the time. This is how I know the person is a troll n00b cos if you bother to hit up my archives you’ll note that I used to cook a lot, it’s not a skill one forgets but something one chooses to bother with. I am acting out against my homebody self, grocery shopping is a labour we pass on and eat out (or in) instead so that more time can be spent doing other pursuits. This person sounds young and is glamorizing house-wifing as necessity, stupid kid. An older woman might also make the same accusation but I doubt it, it’s aging-sounding. My mom can cook but doesn’t bother, and so what? Why do you care? Look at this delicious chicken plate this is heaven, plus a movie, oh we’re laughin’.
I felt too self conscious to wear this one to dinner, it would not go with the decor. Too cray-o-lay. It worked at Jamba because (apparently I looked like a blow up doll) it’s all bright colours in there (happy place).
So it was time to retro aspen suit up in to another zany dress. This is the sears catalogue pose fyi.
See how the back of my dress is completely out. See how no one told me. Who is flying this ship again? Two left feet what? I noticed in the bathroom after I had happily skipper-dee sashayed through the restaurant. Thanks a fucking lot baby. One time my mom stuck a wallpaper border sample ON PURPOSE to my back. I went to Beth’s house, she wasn’t ready to come out yet, as I left she said there’s something on my back and I picked it off my face went in to crazy anger red face I stormed home chucked it at my mother and waited until twenty minutes were up to march back to Beth’s door. Tracey stuck the sample to my back again but by that time we were out free to cause terror in the neighbourhood (tons of it, we got grounded multi-times weekly) and so it wasn’t until the next day did I give my mom guff for that stunt. And you guys wonder why I fly off the handle all the time completely. I am constantly under enemy attack ha ha. What’s funnier, enemy attack or fire?
After dinner I tried on my new feathers and played with Stella’s new baby. It has a squeaker in every limb and stomach and head. Stella can’t squeak though. One’s been chewed in to disrepair already. She has two babies now.
You can see how long it took me to change, go out to eat and come back. This blog is about learning!
This is my Friday night while you were probably being way more gangster. I like to visit this spa I know called the couch as oft as poss. Anyone else feel like February has sucked the fucking life out of them? Plus it was one day longer this year, how fantastic. Good riddance!
Dball deadly. I found another picture of our team on Mike‘s flickr but how do I steal it?
There we are! Dodge Save the Queen and my dad’s queen’s hand breaks. What does this mean? (Jack Skellington voice).
Saturday we passed out in the living room like first place champs might. Winning is exhausting. Ask Charlie Sheen.
Sunday found Stella mothering her baby. Who btw has a very cool attitude.
Stella saying of the day: WHO’S A MUMMY LOVER? Answer: Stella is. Don’t worry spring is here soon I will have better shit to write about. Like, drinkin’ in the park, dance running, drinking on patios, twirling my cape in the park, being made fun of by strangers in the park. Booze Lemonade stand? I will go to AA in September. I wonder how many people say that about spring break and then they end up in jail haha. I don’t know what I am saying I have never been to a spring break (have I?) but it would be fun to film a Raymi’s first spring break. American MTV has the most ridic coverage of it and my friend Shannon back in New York worked for them so I heard all kinds of stories and it made me secretly jealous because I was 18 dating a 29 year old and I have missed out on a lot of rights of passage from youth. Obvi this is an excuse to party my brains out like I never partied before.
I want to wake up like this the next morning.
Or that.
Why is that one busted? I think that’s the extra one. Now gracing our mantle. Hope they don’t melt.
Another picture with my eyes closed waiting to go out to dinner. More please!
I have a chip problem. Lower sodium at least makes me feel less guilt over it. Someone’s been bringing home dip lately though. No no! Sabotage much? Right Erica ;).
One for you and one for me instead of having to make it three.
She’s a pig so as much as this appears to be mean, she is spoiled and gets a lot of treats. Handfuls of cat food galore. Stella is also a pig ha ha. She thinks the entire point of taking a leak outside is a handful of cat food afterward. We had a nice walk today and she ate all kinds of stuff off the sidewalks so no handfuls of cat food today guy. Untying her leash from the dog stand at Starbucks in front of people was a joy. Not.
These were so pretty. The cats had fun times barfing up some leaves, we all enjoyed that, then putting them on the fridge while we were visiting my dad and then to the garbage with them upon our return. This is why you must get a girl a gift for v day too, flowers die.
I get to be blond everyday so I am going with a pink haired Junko Mizuno to portray in burlesque MARCH 16 at The Bovine. Also it means I can buy a pink wig. There’s one I’ve seen that’s Sailor Moon in length. But my girl has a huge amy winehouse hairstyle so I might have to buy a more expensive one.
My new Dog the Bounty Hunter hair accoutrement.
It’s a Leap Year today. Now that I am old and dumb I don’t remember why they can’t just make it a permanent day, kind of bizarre really but anyway someone told me that in Medieval England it was the one day a woman could ask a man to marry and oh the infinite burns one can make from that. Girl waits four years, asks a bloke, he says no. Girl kills herself. Fun times! Or thanks calendar for this super special day to eternally humiliate myself by. Not to be old fashioned (totally to be) or anything but I like it when the guy asks, I have friends where the girl has proposed and inside my head I am going “it’s not the real thing!” or it feels kind of forcey? Yeah it’s the year 2012 now and shit is way more progressive (and gays get out of this one for sure) but still, as a hetero (who likes titties too A LOT)(motorboat club anyone?) I like my marriage proposals from the man. The end. You just won’t find me proposin’ and shit is all, also, my dowry would only be a blog that everyone will forever make fun of us on and the ability to make cats my friends so I need to up my game a billion per cent before I can even consider being a viable wife. Beat you to it assholes!
The day the po po came mom said to dress pretty so that they take me seriously. This was the best I could do whilst speed race cleaning the place.
And then some other day. Stella gets walked in all kinds of slob chic fashions doesn’t she.
Did I blog this? I can’t remember shit anymore. Who cares it’s a Feb wrap-up. Tomorrow is day one of my birthday month and my birthday is all the way at the end so every day this month I get to have one of the following: identity crisis, my life is over crisis, I am all washed up crisis, drink a LOT, get a couple spray tans (double dips my favourite) and regress into a 20 year old. Pretty much “just anotha day”.
V Day themed nails, did they last to V day? I think so.
When can we see the mildred’s hbo movie/series? Must use this before March is up.
This soggy gingerale package warmed my heart. I have the neatest Little Raymis, so generous and care packagey, great listeners too. I say I like gingerale loud and clear and they hear it. Henceforth gingerale mail.
Kylie is my little protege out west somewhere, not as far as Vancouver west but one of those middle provinces I long forgot about. When I do my Raymipalooza cross Canada tour the first episode will feature me retaking a citizenship test to relearn Geography and Canadian history booring. The answers are in the back anyway so, suck on that.
While waiting for our taco table at the caddy we noticed all these people who totally look like they watch the simpsons (analyze at will) and realized oh yeah, simpsons trivia night and a majorly limited menu that we ordered off of despite waiting to eat next door. Starving cannot be resisted when confronted by poutine.
Red Ridinghood goes to brunch and no wolves are harmed.
Time for brunch. Man I’d like ta get me some of that right now. Major appetite (for destruction) for sheez. I am having hollandaise sauce avalanche fantasies.
There is still time to get me the pink or the black. Play it safe and get both so I can use one for the day and black for events.
What do these look like to you? My dad copies me and gets poached eggs now (healthiest) because they come in a special little bowl. I like that the salad bar is permanently decorated for fall with fake leaves on it. Dad just told me he got a burger and fries to go last week WHAT so jealous.
That’s my grandma and my dad speaking of. Oh and he has unfortunate news about the Queen too.
I like your hat.
I want to do my nails again like this. Sparkly my little pony nails.
I make life easier now for dad and go with Timmy’s (vom word) while there.
Snorgle time. Kick me in the lips with your sharp nails all you want it won’t stop the snorgle rain.
Okay yes it will, my face is too precious for Edward Scissorhands face scratches.
This wine is bomb but red wine makes me fat so it’s on the no no list until I am back in underweight lithe looking territory. Which is today I guess but I am so going to pig out tonight I know it.
Countdown to vodka sponsorship please oh please oh please. That or gingerale take your pick, coffee too.
Inside of this place is where we played DBall. Where we WON. Def a Lord in a past life your hero was. Defskies.
Hello old friend. The Bedford is gorgeous. At Christmas it is a dream, garland and lights everywhere reflecting the tin rooves. Oh hell yeah I can write decorating porn.
Just think, about a third of these people got a ball thrown at them by me lol. SEE YOU NEXT YEAR. Actually I’ll admit that I am kind of a shitty player (kind of a shitty everything) but what I lack in throwing I make up for in dodging and lasting (uh some of the time, I was all over the board really) and enthusiasm of course, I am a loudmouth. Yeah I can throw for sure but those sponge balls get the better of me. I am a perfectionist in the head so I have to go over every fucking thing I ever do in life it is exhausting.
I don’t know who won for best girl and guy or team outfits. I read the dude’s name but who knows people’s names these days? Not I sir! But I super want that barbie like a mawfucka.
My button says playboy. Ironic buttons so funny (so not funny) but flare is flare.
Teacher admitted the animals like me more last night. I have a new thing to add to my fake pretend resume now beside First place Dodgeball tournament champion in Skills: The dog likes me more than you. That is just a rough estimate of how it will be worded but the gist of it is there. I just played with Stella for three seconds and she passed out from bliss so there you go. Dog whisperer. You should see us in Bellwoods I have to outrun all these beagles and terriers and other retarded slobbering dogs in love with me.
I like the water tower it reminds me of a Steven King book, end times, desolate small town and summer, most importantly of all.
I am NOT a morning person, Saturday morning least of all (we were good the night before anyway) I can do mornings as long as there is no speaking. So we were a bit crabby trying to race out of the house in time and get our flasks filled lol. Saw one of our opponents as we were cutting across the lawn of the building with a bag of tall boys then forgot about him til later and asked Teacher where that couple went, since donning stupid hilarious outfits, I think she was in a hawaiian shirt and a mullet wig. He might have been pencil skirt guy. Our team laughed at all our nicknames for people, pencil skirt being one of them so it was funny to learn at the end that pencil skirt was that guy and he might have been drunk. Hilarious squared. Though the face doesn’t add up to the one I saw on the lawn so forever a mystery it shall be. Just the way I like it.
Interesting week, interesting life. Also how I like it.
By Friday I heard the video will be complete. Exciting. Excited.
Hope I look hot.
Lots of mail this month. And something from MTV too ;).
My hair is awesome today and every morning since sleeping on these. Brennen was right, he told me I need silk pillowcases for my delicate hair. A promo was being run a few weeks ago and voila, sensual high-end beddings for your blogging royal highness. Thank you Cilque I’ll be sure to photograph my alleged wicked hair day once I hit publish on this superpost.
I asked if I could post certain pics I had on my phone (no spoilers) and colleague reminded me of all the pictures he took of Toronto Batman and I which I can blast up tomorrow. Yayness.
My hair, speaking of, has been feeling longer lately. Very important thing yes.
It’s been too wet to wear these lately but don’t worry I will be pulling a Burt Reynolds in daisy dukes plus boots tres soon. ps. you can show off your gams for forever, like Tina Turner. Only jealous girls say cray stupid shit like that, or like jealous bitches of my mom. Flaunt ‘em if you got em.
