me: video of dude’s arm ripped off by crocodile
youre welcome

arran: ya thanks
I think I saw that guy in the paper. didn’t he get his hand put back… on?
maybe that was another idiot

me: it was his whole arm
look

arran: the worst thing about having something like that happen to you is to be wearing that wonderboy outfit at the time

me: he fucking deserved it

arran: amazing
he should get a croc tattoo on that arm
or like a note that says “don’t be a retard”

me: he should have died

arran: haha

me: they prolly killed the thing after right

arran: man

me: isnt that what happens
fil is mad at me for sending it to him

arran: nah… they probably sold more tickets to keep it alive for another show

me: haha
well slapping it on the nose will not train it to not bite your arm off if you stick it in its mouth in front of a bunch of people making it all nervous with their crowd audience noises

arran: The Croc probably just thought that was the kind of relationship they had

me: blogging this soon
it will likely be eclipsed by the other convo i post

arran: what do you mean eclipsed?

like “more awesome than”?

me: what the hell do you think i mean by eclipsed
what can eclipsed mean other than ECLIPSED

arran: wooooo

me: woah i told you i was on my period

++++

Phil: how did you come across this? [flickr stream]

me: but the flickr stream is this chick who is friends with ******

Phil: oh

me: she is a year younger than me

Phil: oh

me: typical ******* chick who thinks they are funny and smarter than me
i think she called me a whore once
i met her once
the end

Phil: cool story hansel

me: better than your fil stories

Phil: says you

me: the thing about your fil stories is they are predictible
the moral of every one is that fil did something that lauren is suppose to find cool and therefore, fil is cool. fil went here, the end. ahahhahahah.

Phil: stop picking on me

me: are you a fragile old lady in a sweater wearing glasses

Phil: yes pretty much
there is a rice cake sitting on my desk from friday and it is staring at me

me: i am sure it will be delicious
thanks to that fucking crocodile video i will not have to eat until tomorrow

Phil: right

me: mmm but now i am hungry anyway i must make espresso
i want to email lindsay lohan and ask her if part of why she went bonkers is cos of all the energry drinks she consumes

now i am going to talk about anti-depressants and menstrual flows it won’t be long. so i can’t remember exactly how long i’ve been off the ‘loft (how fucking cool am i for rhyming off and ‘loft, as in zoloft? the answer is extremely) anyway i read somewhere that zoloft can be an aide in allieviating cramps and makes you not bleed as much and to this i say yes it is true, for the past two or so years of being on zoloft i have not had suicidal menstrual dementia and all the other shit that comes along with the red tide, not saying i was cured of emotional distress or anything, and/or was cramp-free, just less harsh all around, and now that i am off zoloft, 7 monthsish? maybe 8 i forget, it takes roughly a year to be fully out of your system and now that enough time has passed my period is back to how fucking insane it was pre-zoloft teenager times i think i might have to get anaprox again, i have not experienced pain like this in awhile and i did not miss it at all, cramps spread out three days what the hell? and it is just going to get worse each passing month.

that is my period story

-W network

we saw great lake swimmers at church of the redeemer last nite, amazing, beautiful, touching, v. johnny cash grassroots hometown vibe, loved it.

i cannot see another show in a church though unless it is something loud and obnoxious, i cannot do the sitting not moving be silent and quiet thing for 1.5 hours, my mind wanders way too much and i get sleepy and crabby and moody and the dude beside me was loud-breathing THROUGH HIS NOSE so during the quiet parts of the songs all i could hear was his breathing also i am on my period so my 0-rage meter is extremely sensitive. despite all that i put forth a good effort in the giving a shit department and i wish we grabbed a cd before leaving.

then we got our drink-on at hemingway’s and bumped into fil’s old school chums ruth and kerri who were having girl’s nite out, we had a good conversation about kindergarden and i told a bunch of stories and kerri was all wow you had a ton of bad experiences in kindergarden i said no, i just dwell on the negative ones cos they’re funny, happy is boring, she said that’s awesome she is the same then said well sometimes she likes to tell happy stories too, then i said see? tuned you out. boring. no idea what you just said. they win cos they laughed at all my retarded jokes, i’m sure their martinis helped some.

if i ever do stand-up i will have it in my contract that everyone in the room must consume a minimum of 2 martinis, any style, before i go on, they can even be on their second when i hit the stage, i don’t care, i just know i get a lot funnier the more sauced you are and i go the extra mile.

some british dude bummed a smoke off me on the roof i said it was my last one, my walking home cigarette he BETTER not fuck me over he said he would give me one when he went back down to the bar so fine alright i give him my last one then i go back to our table, fil and i’s, and we are talking and i see the guy come back in and he’s totally forgot about my cigarette or he was lying so i made fil go over and get it and then i got really nervous cos it looked like they were being snarky to fil and i thought fil would get punched out but really they had just forgot and they were sharing a laugh about it but in my head i am picturing clearing the table with their faces. i was pretty close to going over there reeking of attitude, i am fucking glad that i didn’t. i think pitt’s paranoia is rubbing off on me.

+++

hurray second page 17 votes.

here is some voting motivation for you:

in that video we were discussing fil’s fart jar, i am mind-blowingly trashed and samir is sammered. it is over a year old.

sign up and vote for me for best celebrity blogger. i am on the eighth page right now cos i have one vote only so far, i’m up against perez hilton and whil wheaton, it’s suppose to be celebrity bloggers, not celebrities WHO blog or blogs ABOUT celebrities. i don’t expect to win, xiaxue is in the running too. i dunno when the voting ends but the winner will be announced june 2nd. who knows who knows.

this is their synopsis of me, sounds about right:

20 something Canadian girl, journal style writing, insane. Loves herself and her hair and that is about it. People either love her or loathe her, quite interesting to watch the hate she can generate.

it’s shitty that you have to sign up in order to vote.

*update: i’m on the fourth page now with 3 votes, i think i am going to win.

oh how i love wife swap. notice how there isn’t a husband swap? cos if some strange dude came into your home all judging your family and parenting skills the lady would be all NUH UH and pound his ass. it would be funny to see, duder all nervous chin quivering, hovering in the background like a ghost, about to say something, opening his mouth and closing it like a fish and wife is all WHAT WAS THAT? THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT slamming dinner plates down on the kitchen table.

last nite’s show was a goodie in that every single person was infuriating as hell, the one dad was a computer role playing game addict and his social skills were disgusting, couldn’t get one word right and barking out orders from his computer BRING ME KETCHUP and the wife waits on him hand and foot, the son too and ENJOYS IT. fil said he would show up with an assault rifle. we are going to be awesome parents.

borderline retarded, high-strung, and insane. what do you mean you can’t wear make-up to kindergarden teacher says that? ahah.

i like how wife swap always has a family that is extremely lazy, sloppy, fat, bad diets paired with a psycho neat freak perfectionist family and the wife that goes to the dirty house breaks down crying about how dirty everything is.

i think my favourite episode was the raw foodist family that stored raw meat in jars for months and called it high meat and when the rule-change happened (when the new wife tells them things a be a changing ’round these parts) the son blew his top but couldn’t express himself properly because he is home-schooled, has zero friends and his parents are yokels, anyway he went into the kitchen to shotgun an egg and the dad said that “the raw egg will calm him down” and then they go out to eat restaurant food and it makes them sick and the dad has a crying breakdown in the bathroom cos he cannot bear to see his kids in pain what the fuck grow some balls you inbred fuck.

yeah there are always home-schooled kids on wife swap that’s pretty awesome cos then the new wife makes the kids go to regular school for a week and it never lasts more than a day cos the kids have no social skills whatsoever and they are behind their grade level, and the kids bawl their eyes out about having to go back, sad.

in a perfect world all parents would be amazing teachers but this is not the case, there are obvs. some slacker moms out there and i’m sure a shit-ton of biased info being taught to their home-schooled kids.

i love talking about wife swap.

this classic clip makes me so sad, the cuckoo christian mother’s eldest daughter is exactly like the mother and bosses around the two other daughters who are skinny and perky. i think they brought the mom out for another show she is such good tv.

that poor family.

newerish things to buy:

the banana balloon is all concerned.

++++

fraser young commented on my blog.

ahh never gets old, yes i am the dirtbag in the beetle bailey hat and that is a penis sippy cup not a dildo and I’m 19. i am doing kiefer sutherland before kiefer sutherland did kiefer sutherland.

if this doesn’t convince him to party with me then i give up. SOMEONE EMAIL KIEFER SUTHERLAND THIS POST THANK YOU.

+++

oceans never listen to us anyway

last nite’s sunset rubdown/xiu xiu show made up for the suck what was calla on wednesday. sunset played first and fuck blew me away, i knew nothing of them beforehand, i am won over, i bought their cd. xiu xiu were also great but 40% of the time they were all about pretentious weirdness which is never a substitute for talent, i mean, they obvs. got the talent i dunno why the need to fuck it all up with long silences and tiny conch shells clacking in lieu music that is audible from the back of the room, i am a fan of music, not noise i can make myself with a stick against a chainlink fence. they were definitely anti-climactic after sunset, sorry xiu xiu.

there was this cat in the very front we were commenting on during sunset, he was sitting alone, skinny, old man detective hat, glasses, chewing a tiny stogey, reading catch-22!!! he was hunter s-ing out hard, not even the coolest of cool can pull that off seriously. anyway he was in the same spot all nite long and was really feeling xiu xiu like understood the clanging you could tell to the very being of his soul i said to fil he must be thinking the chick working the keys is the yin to his yin.

oh then of course fil started using his flash and one time blew it over the sound guy’s back (who was crotchety from being called-out in front of the whole room, from the stage by xiu xiu) and so drunklor lipped him and couldn’t stop, once he began i kept tugging his arm cos i knew we were going to get thrown out and i had to piss, fil was telling the guy how he could at least be polite and meanwhile there are all these flashes going off from other people’s cameras and the sound guy is like it says on your ticket NO FLASH which isn’t true and fil tells him this so sound guy goes ok then we’ll see what happens then fil says uh he is getting security and we leave, passing security and sound guy cos fil didn’t want his card deleted. the security dude’s look on his face was so passe about having to deal with this flash camera nonsense, pretty funny, and as we were pulling on our coats he was shit-talking xiu xiu and how strange and weird their music was and how everyone was leaving too, meanwhile, he is suppose to be telling us like it is regarding flash photography.

then we are on the street and these three dudes come out of the billiards thing and ask for a cigarette saying he will give me a ridiculous amount of change and i say no it’s fine i’ll give you one for free and the guy has dreads and a polish housecleaner’s kercheif on his head and his buddy goes “ridiculous amount of change? you are such a nerd.” and i got it in my head to zing this kid so i said AT LEAST HE ISN’T WEARING A BACKPACK LIKE THAT and everyone was shocked and awed and i went OH SNAP like ben stiller in zoolander and everyone laughs at the backpack guy and tells him to go back to highschool. as we were walking away one of the guys was just standing there looking at us go, huge love and adoration for my asshole mouth all over his face, it was pretty romantic, especially with the rain falling down like that and the streetlights.

this outfit received a thumbs down

evidence of xiu xiu’s weirdness, though i like it when she screams.