after three hours of mario party wherein we made zero progress we finally decided to head out to hang with some rowdy 20 year olds in a garage. met alex earlier at the legion where he works, completely different personality once blasted. hilarious. he said the legion lady asked all about us once we left.

still light out at 10.30/11 crazy. on sunday it will be the longest day of the year, summer solstice.

lamp posts remind me of oakville walking into town at nite. sigh. this place is like a movie set, so still, no one on the streets. then we started talking about the movie the strangers BAD IDEA i felt their eyes on me i skippered along pretty fast after that.

matchy matchy.

misty emo mountain.

misty emo mountain before nitefall.

i blow at foosball. well i blame this table and i have ten other excuses reasons for it too actually. these photos made me realise how progressively disgusting my hair was getting.

yikes. the worst of the shots i have no shame, all for you. today is definitely shower day.

oh hey there who’s yer friend?

car hole party.

bannock. native bread. delicious. also good for breakfast.

oh god, so thick. did i tell you we did the vodka bacon infusion yesterday? i think i did. anyway, it’s ready for caesars now i think. will report back with my review.

saved my life this morning i tell you. i am amazed.

moose w/ flash. so lean, no fat on ‘em at all. it fills you up and the next day you feel great, no guilt, no bloat. totally soaked all the garbage up. i guess the bacon helped too.

lovin’ this photo tons right now.

thurston was on his way to party with us but then a huge fox turned up and stared at him and us, the biggest fox i’ve ever seen. rye says this one house raised it, seriously prehistoric looking motherfucker, almost wolfish. anyway the cat was using us as cover to travel further ha then f’d off to hang on some lawn and do cat things like eat grass and generally be gay.

ryan‘s goin’ places, i gathered that so i placed an imaginary phone call to a non-existent record producer to hook it up.

that’s alex. right now he is asleep in a car on his way to wienerpeg.

i taught them all the supreme worst polish word ever and warned them not to use it on the wrong person. stripe shirt programmed it into his phone. brosz7, there may be blood on your hands.

oh yeah no rogers service at all anywhere in tbay, way to go you guys.

sooo greasy full-on cottage mode here omg it smells amazing gotta go bye.

ok we just poured the baconvodka through a coffee filter and are waiting for it to drip through. this close to just pouring it straight into the sink hahaha hangover intelligence party of 3 check. scrambled cheese ham tomato toasted sandwiches are on their way to being complete. omg.

ok i’m stuffed and even greasier than i was before. these guys are spoiling me.

*somewhat of a live blog post keep refreshing and scrolling down k there baye*

moose steaks are being made for me right now and they smell delicious. we are also infusing some vodka with bacon for BLT drinks tomorrow or whenever. i bought us some fancy champagne too. just “saying”. it’s all gone now haha.

this “mountain” (whatever) is over 400 feet high, you cannot possibly grasp its overall bigness from this picture. you just gotta see it. fantastic and so on. like lookin’ out your front door at the pyramids or some such shit.

babe much. so much. sorry perfectly accurate display of what all gals picture themselves as when they throw the city all away and head the f outta there.

champagne and non-light cheeze whiz dip.

hello old friends.

sorry toronto, i hear yer weather is shit right now.

had a legion brewsky. you can’t swear in there (i did) but you can watch poltergeist?

ryan told the secretaries at work he had to get off work early cos steph had to go to the dentist and by dentist he meant legion.

where the magic happens. k gotta get some moose steaks pics xo bye!!!!!!!!!!

oh i heard a garage referred to as a car hole today. can’t stop LOLing over it. so good.

i am very happy right now, i miss fil and wish he was here though but seriously long time comin’ in the words of the offspring gotta gettaway. haha.

yay steph’s migraine finally went away.

ok i guess i’m live blog adding to this post so keep refreshing reloading.

ryan is making bannock for us right now too – it’s native bread. i thought it was the moose steaks when i first looked at it.

i just hoovered some bacon.

i’m comin’ back 130lbs babe.

wish you were here fil.

playing foosball now. i suck. so stuffed. the mountain is now covered in mist. creepy spooky whimsical charming sigh.

on mick jagger costume change 5 now.

steph is on costume change 3.

she is winning.

she also beat us all at foosball.

mountain pre-misted.

ok now they are on to whiskey sours.

i feel fuckin’ FAAAAAAAAAAAT.

i made it safe and sound. my flight was at 9.50 this morning so we were up at 7 had an espresso then stupidly a metamucil chaser. there was traffic on the qew and the 427 was backed the fuck up from a collision and then the caffeine booze fumes and fiber hit me all at once combined with travel stress, traffic, not gonna make the flight etc i had to jam my thumbs in the belt of my pants and breathe like lamaz class moaning and howling and crying oh god oh god OH GOD. i was that close to a pants emergency. i could feel it moving through every separate chamber in my intestines. it was so close i had to run to the bathroom leaving fil with my suitcase and i ran by the one right at the entrance (didn’t know it was there) halfway across goddamn airport terminal 3 to the one hidden by all the restaurants. travel tip: pack the metamucil don’t take it at home. made it in the nick of time to the john got my bag then told a flight person my plane was to leave in 40 minutes (westjet line-up of 50 people ahead of me no way i’ll make it) and he skipped me and some thunder bay bound dullard behind me ahead and i made it wheeeee.

oh yeah a guy sitting in front of me goes oh look thunder bay looks just like ontario. GENIUS.

if the plane is going to crash into a mountain or a body of water: do not have a cigarette.

will you look at this giant hippie baby ugh. i took 30 pictures of him in various sleeping positions. guy, the flight is just over an hour can’t it wait? he was like this during takeoff and landing. long hair too, added to the funny.

YAY skipanie was waiting for me at the gate and screamed out HIII super loud and startled all the other people it was nice.

we shared this at some place and were gabbing away at the cashier like turds and the girl said what is going on? we go what? she goes 3.81 please. hahahah.

hair is so skiddy greasy didn’t have time to shower. oh we saw a deer! so cute!

when i got here and unpacked i found the little man fil and i hide on each other in my necklace ziplock baggy and i burst into tears in front of steph it was pretty gay PRE-MENSTRUAL.

rye says he’s pissed on this garage door a few times.

the fancy room. k bye for now eh!

no wait here is a picture of me dressed as heathers.

i haven’t had a lick’s homeburger in a long time. i normally get the natureburger to feel less guilty. really there is no difference in taste other than the homeburger is a bit tangier and smokier. i think i prefer the natureburger despite it being a buck more expensive. god i want one right now.

we finished our burgers in less than three minutes it seemed. hogs.

they have no qualms over allowing you to have bacon bits on your burger. i have always shied away from those guys i felt like it wasn’t allowed? lick’s law! yes these photos are kinda repulsive.

hey fatties they offer you water if you just order a burger, pop’s not necessary ok. be healthy!

fil’s idea of a joke – taking my picture. so why the hell are we in the ‘burbs anyway well had to do some dad duty cos won’t be around on sunday. i slipped a card in my nana and papa’s mailbox trying to be all stealth (no time to drop in) and as i was tiptoeing away fil blammed on the horn and reversed super fast and loud. i jumped out of my fucking skin and beat it after him fucking asshole. when we pulled onto the street we were even whispering in the car shh drive quietly ok why are we whispering? hahah.

love it, awesome application brush, dries super fast, matte finish. on sale at shoppers right now go get some ladies.

sigh rocky so cute. he runs like a rabbit the entire length of my dad’s backyard.

in some serious lawn furniture need reminder to my brother hint hint.

so happy.

where’s the sun today what gives?

what a little princess.

kills me.

we watched some of the rutles (funny stuff) and ate some delicious cheese and dip then came home for our stories.

ta-da! must get more before sale ends as it completely blows all my other nail polishes out of the water. (if they for some reason were in water who comes up with these stupid sayings?)

yo relax.

cid at fil’s desk that box has several different placements around here. totally normal right? ugh.

k wish me luck bye.

just closed the window. now it’s hot in here AND we can still fucking hear it.

oh yeah so i sometimes take down notes when something i find to be funny, useful, blog-worthy, whathaveyou comes to mind as i’m givin’er ie. the internet machine is turned off. then fil is all what did you just write down? and i have to explain it and he is usually givin’er also so the idea CLEARLY is a good one to us cos we sit there nodding in silence at what i just read aloud but the true test is whether it makes it to my www soapbox the next day or not. with each passing day after the shit i long-handed is not blogged, that’s usually a sign the thing was not actually funny or really 99% of the time i am too lazy to put the brainpower into following through with it. (guess what, you know this thing is like actual work sometimes. you try coming up with twenty thousand captions a year. i actually just did some math to come up with that number and simplified the hell out of it it’s more like 50 BILLION captions anyway back to how tough this is) usually i just blog verbatim what i wrote down and leave it at that. now that’s just lazy of me right. i have to stop doing that and it starts right now!

RAYMI’S GUIDE TO GETTING STUCK TALKING TO SOCIALLY AWKWARD ANNOYING BORING PARTY GUESTS

now i know this will not accurately apply to everybody because i for one quite enjoy the company of the socially inept. i find solace in them but mostly it gives me the opportunity to conversation hog, steer the verbal ship in any direction i please and so on. even when they are giant debbie downers i will still grace them with an hour of my time and take every negative thing they have to say. what is wrong with me other than everything.

but really, many of you aren’t as nice as me and much prefer to hover in your cliquey judgmental circles instead, leaving the loners to sit with their arms crossed staring at the floor. rude. so what to do? cos we all want to hang with our pals for the majority of the nite but we don’t want to look like dicks right.

get your party martyrdom out of the way at the beginning of the nite and don’t be too greedy about it either. i could talk someone’s face off for five hours if you’d let me. fuck, even a houseplant, i’m easy. point being, as tough as it can be to break away from loner lisa when there’s no one else to pawn her off on you gotta do it cos later on you will pass each other in the hall and you will get a stingy guilt pang, the more time spent with loner lisa, the more guilt you’re dealt. like oh shit i learned all about her dead hamster and now look at me a stumbling drunken asshole party machine, i’m not the same person loner lisa thought i was two hours ago (it’s like i lied to her) and worse, she gives you that look like how could you, she thought you were different because you were, you appealed to all her needs, you were a good listener, you gave and took equally but now you’re just explosively selfishly doing a dickhead dance in the middle of the room taking all the glory and tomorrow morning guess what your hangover anxiety is going to be focused on? yep. loner lisa’s family farm that was taken away when her dad filed for bankruptcy. happy now?

i guess i’m writing this as a plea for your advice too. 9 out of ten parties i go to the first half is spent devouring some stranger’s secrets (i have this thing about me i suppose where people feel totally compelled to tell me super personal shit and that’s cool not complaining) and the second half is spent hiding behind ikea shelves avoiding eye contact because i know if i see nerdy norbert again i will include him in whatever i am doing, then my shithead friends will be mean to him, roll their eyes at me and one by one ditch me with him and then i’m back at stage one and guy usually misreads my friendliness and it gets awkward.

another tip is find another socially awkward fella and pair them off. well, in theory you’d think that’d work simple but then you have TWO mutes standing side-by-side staring at you like you’re a trained monkey i am so sick of doing all the work for these guys holy can they make one iota of effort ever? ha ha i like how i am the victim now. one time i thought i was helping someone out by doing that bridget jones move this is blah blah and blah blah likes movies and cheese, blah blah meet bla bla. bla bla also likes movies and cheese. later on they turn on each other, some kind of out-geeking competition and decide to gossip to me about the other like i gave a fuck i don’t know either of you go away stop rubber-necking every time i move the direction of my gaze to catch my eye and nod at me like we are in this together or something!

in conclusion, at parties if it is at all possible, leave your conscience at home.

at this point i realised this was a good skinny pose so i abandoned trying to capture my nails in macro and focused on myself instead.

ha see. these are from sunday.

nice and yellow. beauty.

there we go full outfit. fantastic. glowing reviews on the street. sunday was pretty emo for me. one part due to recuperation from saturday and also maybe some hormonal thing. my body is so ready to have this fucking iud OUT and for the most part i can humour my moods and feelings pretty well but some days it sneaks up on me and not much help is required in inspiring a meltdown. like every thing that is bothering you ever bothers you all at once and you’re like yep, gonna flippin’ oot here it comes blaaaagh! my appt is tomorrow to have a swab (gross word, theirs not mine) and i dunno if that means they will take it out or not. i should probably call my doctor’s office today note to self.

hahaha. aw. so i went for an emo walk to hmv to track down a dvd for my pa. (father’s day is this coming sunday i won’t be around for it sorry i’ll make it up to you! i am removing myself from the city for a little break and heading north to skid country).

a few weekends ago i saw a burlesque dancer in this window from across the street and a giant horny tourist mob was gathered around the window. pretty funny. the chick was bangin’ too.

these things mesmerized me for a few moments.

taking “arty” or non-norm pictures in front of strangers is oftentimes a funny experience. they get this look on their face like W T F WHY is she d-o-i-n-g THAT!? it’s like planet of the geniuses every time a camera’s whipped out holy fuck people relax.

then i was over it.

adorable window display.

i love this little chocolate store. have not ever bothered going in, can only imagine the ridiculous prices.

a bout of starvation-induced crazy made me do it. wasn’t feelin’ the bloor street festivities. how fun is standing up and eating in a giant crowd? anyone? exactly. also that sour cream had a giant mould blob in the middle, i have to go back today and return it so annoying. the valumart in manulife center is buzzkill enough as is. thanks guys. i forwent cheese for that garbage thinking what a treat. in the end it worked out though, the chicken with onion and pepper fajita spices and salsa was delicious enough. fil had 7 of them.

rotisserie weakness. we boiled the carcass, bones, fat etc down to make more chicken stock you really need to do that as well.

now what could you possibly want?

deadly.

uh, what?

i like your intentions at least. ew oh yeah that woman blew a gigantic (and loud) snot rocket onto the pavement. chinese food craving window closed for the summer.

fil wants to make the most of these two nites we have left together alone (tomorrow nite is nxne party) he is already missing me. i should go away more often. dudes are predictably cute. you annoy them when yer around, they miss you like crazy when you’re gone. ps. fil is just as, if not more, annoying than i am.

i wasn’t planning on the gut rot beverage but last minute flaked out on the spot. fil finished his in two minutes.

emo day 2.

i love baldwin street.

we switched spots when this couple left for the table with the best view.

i let him have the rest. we went to the lcbo on spadina and found these single cans of mojitos and margaritas. actually, MIKE-aritas and MIKE-itos or whatever (mike’s hard family) and i said you could just dump one in your glass if you wanted. didn’t. also the mojitos are way too sweet, the margaritas are golden.

hi.

then we ordered that hank and mike movie i was a (fat) burlesque dancer in and ugh BRUTAL. turned it off halfway through.

+++

hey i have access to a sweet pair of true FRONT ROW CENTER seat tickets for DEPECHE MODE with Peter, Bjorn and John JULY 24 at Molson Amphitheatre – any takers? email me if so. SECT 102 ROW A 16 & 17 BEST OFFER gets ‘em. check the seating plan here. clearly they’re worth a nice little mint.

postsecret recanize.

um you WORK IN A GODDAMN VIDEO STORE!

ok i get it maybe only like once but if you’re doing this frequently then um, fuck whatever enjoy.

that was actually helpful. thank you.

you are too brutal for words. like for instance how you couldn’t get the right “lose” in there and also hello, you want to be a giant sleazebag for your sister’s guy? you realize there are other men out there right? or are you that cliché family member who looks forward to that one annual gathering just to check out all your in-laws and cousins? barf on you.

i once called in sick to work BECAUSE I THINK I’M CARRIE BRADSHAW OMGLOLZFTW!!

don’t bother wimp. your music is shit and no one downloads your songs anyway. this is you: GIRL I LOOOOVE YOU BUT I HAD TO DUUUMP YOU SO I COULD BUSK ON A STREEEET COOOORNER DURING SXSW I’M SORRRY SORRY SORRRY sorry sorry…fade into coral chimes tinkling in the breeze.

THANK YOU JESUS FOR TAKING AUNT JOAN SO THAT I COULD HAVE THIS HELLO KITTY SANDWICH PRESS AND I’M PRETTY SURE MY FRIEND RHODA IS JAZZED SHE ONLY HAS ONE BREAST NOW THAT HER BLENDER MATCHES HER SHOES for real it’s allllll good girl!

seriously, i am gobsmacked by the audacity of your stupid selfishness. please get severe breast cancer that riddles and spreads throughout your entire body asap.

thank you for this new phobia to add to my collection.

well look at you all smug. why would you waste people’s time with such a pointless boring lie? do you know how much i tune people out when anything remotely exercise-related comes into conversation so really you blew it for yourself. you get like three fibs a year and you just used ‘em all up with this piece of shit. did you follow it up with winning the lottery and flying a helicopter? NO MORE YAWNSICLE PIE PLEASE ALL FULL HERE. word to the pathological liars out there, give it a rest. we know you’re lying we just don’t care enough to interject, it’s easier if you run out of steam on your own volition, i’m tired of busting you too. it’s awkward. thank you for making me feel awkward and uncomfortable. here’s an idea, go DO something then tell me about it. no one’s life is EVER that dramatic alright, so shut the fuck up.

STOP WATCHING OPRAH THEN YOU BATSHIT CRAY CRAY WOMAN!

move to canada you guys are so common here it would be no biggie at all (no one should have to tolerate slurs ever) short of that, school yourself with some good whitey jokes.

very true for the most part howevs some goodies are good from the start and should not be faulted for possessing cool skills from day one.

ahem, or maybe perhaps for the more obvious reasons you are clearly in denial of.

take this information to a head doctor. people who think they hear voices (god) are not well. if anything it was a temporary glitch from too much sun. no one is speaking to you. you haven’t been chosen. ugh. not being mean here, just concerned.

make it interesting on your own you don’t need a fucking author to narrate the minutiae of your daily life. that’s what blogs are for, jeezus lazy!

ok either your friends suck or you are boring. pick one. then remedy it. make new friends or stop long-winding the hell out of the ones you’ve got. when friends of mine haven’t read a certain anecdote i put on this shitfactory i don’t bawl my eyes out over it, i just retell the story in short-form IF it’s something worth retelling. i don’t expect someone IRL to care about me walking down the stairs to my bike, unlocking it, yanking it out of the bike rack, getting steamed over it being jammed between two garbage bikes, etc etc zzzz yawn. let me see your blog please and i will let you know if your friends are jerks or not.

capital Oh Please. WHO CARES LADY! you are cuckoo bananas as if this “secret” burned you up inside so much so that you had to mail it in. you just wanted an excuse to go HELLO WORLD i have a baby and i love my baby BABY BABY BABY BABY GOO GOO GAH GAH. time to start socializing again.

thanks i run out of those things so fast. your passive aggression does not deserve acknowledgment.

you’re a fool. does spelling because becuz also make you feel cool? whole foods makes me feel the opposite of cool, it makes me feel enraged, irritated and broke.

oh will you people give it a rest? the connection of losing his job to losing his house and now his marriage all has to do with MONEY not RELIGION. stop scapegoating your life away, man up and face facts for what they are not some fictitious hocus pocus esxcusey bullshit. GROAN.

hey thanks!

now that’s not going to end in a ridiculous mess at all.