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play the game dont let it play you

Hey dudes. Gosh, why didn’t I just bring my camera out with me Friday night, I was SO CLOSE. I had it in my hand and then I just placed it down on my computer desk thinking I won’t need this, am completely complacent with my cell phone’s low light quality pics. Dumbass. It’s hard to unlearn bad, lazy habits. Even in blogging. I have done this for fifteen years and still sometimes I find it very difficult to get back into it again, it can be exhaustive all the working parts surrounding the blog with many factors working against you, namely time and social mediums.

I started out blogging as a writer and now it’s so much more than just writing that it shunts the writing. All the extra fanfare, selfies and the passage of time really disrespects the art, the thing that you did that you loved and looked forward to blogging about by the time you get to it it’s like, so what I had this fantastic steak and wine and epic happy feeling at the time I can barely remember now that I am old and my brain lets go of memories so easily or just, I don’t bother anymore to recount the minutiae of moments and exchanges with people that kind of was my signature. Why don’t I do that anymore? Despite actually feeling like I over-analyze these days a lot more and it would be just so easy to share these ideas and funny anecdotes here. I let the conscience bully me into silence because I feel like it’s pointles fluff and some asshole will just yell out to shut up and “get a job” because some people don’t get art, or blog posts that exist just to exist to delight and entertain and it is so clearly my passion. Others feel the need to take away from the simplicity and ruin it by chiming in when here’s a novel concept, you could just let it be.

Maybe I need to just write my book and just do it already.

I have an updated buzzwordy blurb to add to this btw that’s one of the chapters actually, ready to hear it? *Spoiler alert* *don’t thief it, saw it here first*.



Anyway, I’ll keep blogging I guess but super finish a book before no one wants to read me anymore and I hate myself forever. I experience so much guilt from blogging and so much guilt from not blogging. I feel like patient zero sometimes in this field like, now we see the blogger breaking down without proper real world skills because said blogger has existed in this not real realm for far too long and is kind of in a Britney Spears scenario now with a Vegas show performing the last bittersweetness of the acts until she is a prune.

I am good don’t worry Little Raymis. If I wasn’t good I wouldn’t be saying self aware jokey things. Long story short, blogging is a mood based thing (can be) and I am not a faker so if I am not feeling it then I am not writing it. Also, “I was going to” but then the weekend and real life so, blogging can wait.

I’ve been tanning and using bronzer to like my face more. It just looks better with colour. No, it’s not good for you but feeling good is good for you and look good now die later like I astutely say.

I am (semi-) digging singlish life (so lying right now haha). I like being social with friends. You have to constantly remind yourself that it’s okay to be single and not to fuck your ex though BUT you get to go on “dates”, hang with guy friends again without the Spanish inquisition or worry, have suspicions about someone else, you don’t have to think about anyone else’s shit or feel in trouble. As healthy as you all think your relationships are there are still restraints and battles to go through. Basically everyone is miserable. I take comfort in that.

I mean whether single or in a relationship, everyone is miserable. I remember being extremely miserable in some relationships before and eventually everyone is just miserable and acting like they’re not. Cold wars are the worst. Normal war is pretty bad too but someone icing you out stoicly.. and do not get me started on moods. I’m just gonna say it. Men, your asses be moody! Women are bitches but men are monsters.

If you isolate from men you realize one day that there is no warpath moods overtaking your breath but then dude comes back and it’s god damn moods. Maybe it’s just the guys I end up with but no, maybe it is the chosen passive way men choose to control you.

One ex I said to him once that I suffer from enough depression I do not need to suffer from yours [moods] too, I had fucking enough. The one time I ever tried to pull “the depression” card I just didn’t have it in me. I am a fighter. I am not a cry crumpled down on the floor type but I had one bad day once and this guy was being tested about it and it disgusted me how he reacted. Meanwhile I had suffered so much more moodiness all-in from him day-to-day it was like how DARE YOU not reciprocate.

I did not intend for this post to get all headcasey but why not.

It just really angers me that someone is nice to everyone else but the one person they love the most who is closest to them. I get to wonder if it is just me though, destined to be unhappy but no it is the partners I end up with. I am just here happy and ready to do things with you oh wait nope I’m not you’re moody everything shuts down.

Also, I get very bored very easily of people these days. So there are many catches out there for me but I feel exhausted by lining them up and meeting them and foreseeing a boring future, Seinfelding purposely sabotaging likely. But also not making it 100% the focal point of my life at all anyway? It’s early thirties (I am 32 now for the new-comers) meltdown time is running out syndrome. Being tired of men’s shit and basically knowing will not find the one. I must work on myself more like a fucking yogi or something and blah blahhhh eat chicken wings twice a week rinse and repeat lol.

Came across this interesting piece that resonated with me about creative types and how awful our minds can be. Talk about moods I can definitely get moody but typically when alone and I mostly just do it to myself. Unless attacked. Which does happen. But my brain can definitely exhaust me because it doesn’t turn off like creative’s brains don’t. How about I just stop complaining or trying to express something I don’t even know what right now and just read that list in the link provided and I can move on to our next humble slide.

I also hate dating. Only because you learn so many hateable things about people yet you have an open mind and you’re supposed to find this person who fits into your puzzle hole and you’re suppose to fit in theirs, you have a great build-up chatting but know in seconds if you would bone them or not and should you or not and then of course sitting and drinking with them is just a dumb idea after that because booze goggles though I like to think I have some self restraint and self respect left in me you should not be thinking every next person is the one, could be the one I just feel like I by habit and nature try to make anything work I ignore all red flags and I go in willingly into a stupid situation thinking how can I make this work and last because there’s something here maybe. Maybe I am a fixer. I am a classic want to fix wounded bird type probably and guys think I’m easy also probably because of the grand show I put on with nudie catwang selfies but I AM picky for fuck sake, that’s why I am single. One guy called me a slut yesterday because I would not meet him and he could tell I was after more than just hook-ups so in a last ditch effort and failure to get a rise out of me he decided to “help me” by telling me what guys see and think. He was 27, and total player trash by the looks of his profile. Calling ME the slut. Classic.

Women can nod and agree and slut shame all they want but why should I change who I am to better suit a suitor, play the virgin to attract some douche who will under appreciate and value me anyway?

If I am such a slut then how come there are so many men I will not fuck out there? That does not make sense to me at all and it’s a jealous attacky desperate attempt to bash the women down who have the self confidence and self love to post any selfie they want of themselves. To embrace sexuality, being sexy freely.

There are many sexually-defunct people out there, perverts and normal people who just act insane because they’re so horny or feel sex is a massive part of their life, obsessively. Maybe some women pose erotically “to deal” with their sexy beast. Maybe that’s okay? Maybe they don’t have sex or are sluts. Maybe FUCK YOU.

Okay? Good.

Time for an awful segue now.

Do you know how terrible it was to see this? I would gladly shoot the guy back with an arrow to return the favour. Gross. Now that is a sadist for you. Mental problems. My mom sent my pics to the Metro, they already had a photographer out on the scene. She sent them other work of hers and now she’s going in to see them niiiice mom.

Fajitas were deadly Saturday. Felt like a fat blob this weekend ate so much.

Sunday dinner mmm.

Juicy perfection. Been goin’ through plenty of chicken breasts in these parts.

Eggs too. I stopped because they’re actually not that healthy for you. Good for your hair but cholesterol bad. Yesterday though I had two fried eggs. One in the morning (1pm lol) and one after chicken. I’m premenstrual so can it if you were food I would eat you too.

This weekend I discovered that none of my shorts fit me from last summer which is terrible because I love them but good because thinner so if you have a body like mine and/or lots of good belts let me know if you need some short shorts to let your ass cheeks hang out. These fit me I am keeping them but they’re a bit big I almost wore fitness shorts on my date just to look like I had a figure.

I wore runners cos we were also going to do something outdoorsy which we did a bit I guess.

Had a nice dinner out with my friend Friday night. God. This is a Raymi story in the makings of for awhile now I only feel obligated to divulge just to explain it and not feel judgment I shouldn’t care about but whatever. We met on a patio last summer when I was single (noticing a theme here) and running like crazy and this day I decided to soak in some rays because it was late August and a long horrible winter was just around the corner.

I even blogged about this encounter. I had purple nailpolish on that matched his stupid purple golf pants and I said that the name of the nailpolish was jailbait (seriously who names nailpolish colours that and then repeats that outloud???)

Anyway, we don’t exchange contact which he regrets and we are both townies, he’s a foodie like me and it got to the point I had to avoid certain restaurants “I let him have” because there are only so many in town bla blah etc but anyway, he tells me his local spot on Sunday nights and I thought that was an oldschool hint dropping thing I could casually bump into him again. Which I never did. But then I found him on tinder, I swiped because I recognized the pub (of course) and we casually talked about eventually meeting which was dragged out and in all that chatting once he mentioned his very unique business line of work I was like dude, we met over the summer on a patio and you were wearing purple pants I was that sweating tanning girl.

So we meet again and go on two dates, but turns out he is the neighbour to my ex. When we pulled into his neighbourhood I was like are you serious you live here of all the places to live in town HERE it has to be here. At that point I was trying to forget that we had ever met my ex and I and I also did not mention him on our date but was forced to acknowledge once we pulled into that frigging driveway lol. Yes it was the recent on again off again ex and there were a lot of funny instances I wish I could have shared with you guys over the last year about it like having to take the stairs two at a time to get into my new friend’s place so my ex wouldn’t think I was a psycho seeing me around there ugh fml big time.

When we eventually got back together I never pointed out where my new friend’s place was but was ultra paranoid at all times going in and out of there sitting like a stiff dummy in the car thank god the windows are tinted and oh lets just close the sunroof now shall we because you can look down from a window and see into the car and lets be real I am always wearing neon and distinct looks I stick out like a stain on the carpet.

And basically he is in the friend zone (yes I feel like shit but I also like to have friends) because he has these glasses I told him I don’t like but I think he took it as a joke when I super meant it because his face then morphs into an ex’s face whom I was repulsed by and always wore those same glasses and hid his face the one good thing I could tolerate about him. Maybe I have deep nerd rage within me or something but I can’t deal with the spectacles look 24/7. I am the worst too yeah I get it but you can’t force things the older you get. You like what you like and you hate what you hate.

The superficial side of me is like what are you doing idiot because clearly he treats me right, has money, potential, likes me, doesn’t act like a psycho about my blogging and selfies actually respects and is excited by it. I just think life is funny, how we met, where he lives, and that we are still friends. At one point he was like I am looking for a lover not a friend and I respected that and we didn’t hang but when people are similar, over time you appreciate then hang on to them because everyone else is married with children and they’re running out of us. That’s my theory anyway.

I have to remember to use that spa certificate Damara got me I think I need a dose of real relax. I also got some float therapy gift certificates too. I heard you trip out in those things. You’re isolated and floating alone with your thoughts which honestly kind of sounds terrifying I am tired of my thoughts hahah.

Haven’t watched this in years. love love love.

Delish tenderloin. Had asparagus instead of frites.

And there he is. He told me it was time to post one of him. He went to Ireland today for a week or something I hope he has a great safe trip because I want to hear all the debauchery when he gets back, like me, he’s good with the fun stories and experiences and if he isn’t in a relationship (or hates me after this post lol) we’re gonna go to Nova Scotia PEI (same diff lol) together in June.

My Nana got me that bracelet ring, racelet, in the Dominican.

Very nice place I def recco.

Yes I have learned a lesson about using my camera from here on out. Stupid Lauren.

This was made for me so I will not complain but it’s too fried and gristly looking #foodsnob.

Went for a run and a tan then chicken wings, the trifecta, RTC hahaha.

Blogging has been a great stress reliever thank god for this thanks blog. Do you notice Rocky’s head shadow?

I forgot how much I loved wearing tank tops, “wife beaters” (worst name ever!) but I don’t mean tank tops like suzy shier tank tops I mean undershirts like “wife beaters”. Is there another name to use so that you know exactly what I meant next time without having to say wife beater on my blog???


Limoncello white wine sangria. It was good.

Wine got on my jumpsuit of course. Not my fault. Ok kind of my fault.

Peggy is amazing. Her teeth rotted like crazy so they’ve all been removed (expensively so) but she is worth it even though she was a stray so not worth it but worth it you get it?

She is massively meme-worthy. We have a bond naturally. I’ll show you guys a really funny one of her tongue sticking out when I get a sec. She is also a dwarf, very teeny and constantly pacing the place to get out and instantly cuddles you in between snoozing with her tongue hanging out of her face. One of those rejects that are actually adorable and insta-hits. She will also stare at you with her tongue sticking out until you get the right shot like she knows she is destined for instagram fame.

Great place kinda had a Weslodge vibe.

Have you had blk water before? It’s gross. It tastes fine but it looks gross and I also hate Jagermeister so it just makes me so repulsed. A must try at least?

I eat a lot of kale. When I get snacky I make kale.

Some allergies this day. When I rub my eyes I can look really Euro if need be. Usually my day look if I don’t do makeup and rock sunglasses inside (supermarket) don’t look under there please lol. I try to give my eyes rest from makeup when I can.

Happy I found this hat. Was worried some bro stole it. I just hid it on myself turns out. There’s some things I have misplaced when I moved and haven’t seen since like my pink new balance shoes where the f did I take them off ugh.

Mango gelato diy was amazing. I consumed a little more fruit than usual over those few days it makes me feel like a fat gorilla.

A delicious little snack from some other day lol.

It felt like I was in the jungle trying to peel these and tear the skin off and I remembered this one time a rasta in a parkdale bar peeled mangoes for us lushes one night it was really special lol. I feel like I’ve done all these eccentric things in my life to weave into a great story one day just to have the experience to know how to write stories.

Bottom left ftw. I will not be eating chicken wings or unhealthily this week. I really need to cut it out for awhile.

I wake up lithe and then I am like it’s time for chicken wings. Cool logic bro. Everybody comfort eats when it’s 50 cents a wing lol.

Okay super post done.

These were just words,

Love Raymi

(btw I’m going to be in a horror film tomorrow wish me luck or something haha)

and here stick this in your ears bye.

13 thoughts on “play the game dont let it play you

  1. I sent this text to someone today – a friend of mine who got laid off via text which I had never heard of before.

    “People are the worst.

    The less I deal with them, the happier I am. In a conference room this week in Stockton and have my ear buds in with some Metallica going.”

    You’re right about it all. You’re not alone, but that doesn’t help at all. As one of my other friends likes to say, “Misery loves company.” He’s Misery and I’m Company. Kind of like Tango & Cash, but not as cool. HA HA!

    Well, I just leer are your nipples in the photos to cheer me up. I guess that wouldn’t do much for you.

    Hang in there or don’t. Whichever.

    Look one the bright side, you’re one day closer to the sweet embrace of death!

    Oh, and I do all the time about the camera & then sure enough, regret it.

    Shut up, John.

    Go Rangers!

  2. Muscle shirt instead of wife beater? Ahaha.. So dorky sounding but least not.. Violent sounding? Dunno. Good luck with the movie luv

  3. loved this post – to read your writing – thoughts on blogging to relationships / dating / men and then to see the photos and all of this – everything except the bird with the arrow (i hope someone helps it!) – and i love the way you blog. keep doing you. no one else could do it better. <3

  4. No problem. I should be sleeping because I’m going to Toronto tomorrow but I’m awake with anxiety so the fix is to catch up on blog reading (okay, I read your blog, that’s practically it these days) and when I clicked on your book link (which I’ve looked at from time to time because it’s awesome) I had to let you know. Hope tomorrow goes well with the horror film. (That’s not a sentence one writes too often, eh?!) xo

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