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haha check holmeslice behind me all cashed out in the delivery area, totally. everyone was all stress licking on their ice creams while waiting in line i provided far-away narration for all the normies om nom nom om nom NOM! keep licking and you won’t explode in rage. i introduced the teacher to the cafeteria and to my friend, heineken aka drunk shopping. he was all whaaaaaaaaat? oh yeah oh YEAH. my brother and i preach drunk christmas shopping like no other. mad mall anxiety yo. i was speed walking through ikea and teacher was like please can we slow this down a notch. NOPE. i’m a sprinter. WE MUST WIN.

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these are ordered ridiculously so whatever. clearly you have FIGURED OUT one of the things we bought. you are SO smart!

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i had showroom hair. price is right hair. the meatball lady was scary and yelling, super intense, i had low blood sugar and was shaking, pretty weak. i haven’t been eating. i think i am a little bit insane right now. i RAN to my hair appointment yesterday, also of which was a work out day.

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haahahahaha they were almost out of food i cannot even tell you the tornado of meltdown that would have occurred had we been on the other side of the cut off for food point. it was very concentration campy, hostile. i turned to teacher (whoops i almost typed his name) and natasha came up behind me and started barking at people about meatballs and gravy and fries and i JUMPED OUT OF MY SKIN and then we erupted in nervous laughter. nice first impression to the food area. once i asked for heinekens after thankfully spying the sign for beer she liked us more. we had everything on offer, full on bulimia/survivor reward challenge meal times. i was so shaky i couldn’t carry my tray without it shaking and teetering the beers. that and my mom hair outfit, quite the spectacle.

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GIVE ME EVERYTHING AND PUT GRAVY ON EVERYTHING. i had medallions cauliflower cheese puke in sphere cube form, two of them, spinach crepes (ew) and the lingonberry meatball mess hall slop dream dish mmmmm.

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i look like a really annoying cop detective on a crappy show i don’t watch.

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look how much i am a lady when i’m done i put my cutlery down to tell the waiter, sir, i am done. even though there are no waiters here. i learned that from a feature on etiquette i saw once. i know it all. you should not ever touch your face once while at the table, hair, teeth, no mirrors. basically be a statue of perfection and grace. of course, no elbows either.

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and then when they’re not looking…

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my eyebrows have disappeared, have you seen them?

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teacher showed a picture of my twitter thumbnail to a colleague and she goes, woah, she looks bad ass, and he goes, she is. lethal. she is. ha ha.

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i look pretty tired. we were frazzled. the food keeps disappearing and reappearing.

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i laughed at myself a lot. i look like a suburbanite. i love it.

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oh my god. no words ha. my brains feel like they got run over by a dump truck, we stayed up late on adrenaline and crazy and new house things glee. i feel like i was put through a magnificent bender. no wonder perfectionists are always on edge and insane, building perfection is grueling and tiring and stressful. but it MUST be done. why? i dunno, to die of a heart attack and high blood pressure. wicked cool.

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that’s why you must enjoy simple pleasures like stupid stuffed animals. i have no eyes here i don’t have them on.

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i belong on the price is right. man has that show ever gone down the tubes why can’t they just kill it? it’s so painful. we got two of these loungers with blue/white navy striped cushions.

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this part was scary. apparently teacher got in a fight with someone over cart maneuvering while i was scanning candles. a guy was all, you don’t know who i am. yipes.

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gonna be a wicked summer.

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haha thanks nate! you have expunged me of crazy.

guess the muse is baaaaaaack.

i bought banana and nut flavoured cheerios as well as two tubs of bufala ($$$) so i am pumped about those things.

later.

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charm school ain’t nuthin’ but a cake walk.

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i hate this part right here from raymi lauren on Vimeo.

i can’t believe we stayed up so late playing on this rug and of all the videos we made this is the one i decided to upload in the night. keira and i loved this jam, i dedicate it to her. ooh just got a strong vancouver hankering. le sigh.

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this post is going to be a retarded mad scramble of retarded. buckle up. you will get a taste of what it was like being me yesterday with ma moms. i brought her to her first event, raymbo styles. we made it out alive. in the picture above i am cruising around 9/10 of bitchiness. we stayed at the keg a little too long. i am done with my yuppie crushing.

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at le spoke club for the body shop duo new product launch. mom is a body shop slut, her beautiful young skin is proof so i definitely needed to get her in to this, was going to bring lois too but she couldn’t make it so i transferred her plus one to colleague’s name.

(if you want us to come cover your event fancy times email: alex at raymitheminx.com)

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i managed to not eat one cupcake, not a one.

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i started off on a bitchy note cos the tower is in a disarray and i had to get mom from ex go station and time it so she arrived a few minutes after my cab would meanwhile two long ass blog posts, no idea what to wear, gahhhhh. in the end i settled on a mime outfit with no underwear and a scarf for a coat, i knew i’d be sweating all over the place.

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everyone was uber lovely to me yesterday. i love SO pr those dudes bankrolled my (and my entourage’s) ass for new years eve weekend in montreal. holla at your girl.

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mom why do you post photos in this ridiculous order on facebook? do we have to look crazy in every avenue/outlet that there is? fine. more importantly, check me being checked out. i’m so shy, i see dudes coming eyeing me up from a mile away and my game is to look away at the exact moment where magic could happen, not that i was looking for it but all suits are the same to me after my keg experience i am over them. all married douchebags. yawn.

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i sent shawn and his date to sharon jones and the dap kings last night at sound academy (did you get vvip?) even though i love sharon jones myself a lot, i’m just, spread so thin like marmalade, i can’t do it all. while at the keg i was like this is bullshit we could be at the roosevelt room dranking it for free but noooooo mom has to hold court at the keg lol. agh whatever you won’t stop being socially relevant if you miss an event or two or three or four. if you sell out all the way then your blog just becomes a snooze show off of bullshit. where’s the story? you must keep it real, keep some real.

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these dudes (Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir) were so nice and pleasant. i walked away with my their medal on still. lots of people did. too funny. oh here you go, while passing my paper name card medal over haha.

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mom’s first time at the spoke club. i knew she’d dig that phone.

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love these. have tons now. we were so greased up (it’s not greasy it’s just, you put on too much at an event you don’t want it on your clothes) for the rest of the night and smelling great.

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walking to jack astor’s. it was shocking to me how light it still was this late. spring has sprang and sprung finally.

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i bitched out an alpha female yuppie at the bar here (totally deserved it) twice. i had had enough. mom said toronto people are mean. no they’re not mean they’re just fucking assholes and everyone is a touch more mental come spring i think. this woman though, ugh, she’s a regular at astors and i wouldn’t mind having another showdown cos i am psycho like that. i am addicted to teaching people lessons.

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guess which one i liked best.

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cupcakes are so hot right meow. what will the next foodie trend be, something simple and pretty and easy to mass-produce. cookies maybe?

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my mom is addicted to the financial district and photos all up in it.

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i think i need to be exorcised.

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my mom said the woman’s ass on the right, the difference between her ass and our ass is ours doesn’t fold/buckle like that when we walk. mean girl mom much?

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shawn and i made out in the street in front of my mom cos we don’t give a!

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kay see the woman at the bar there? after my mom and i’s bitchy walk over from the keg we sit down at this corner here and she’s all ooh oooh in this voice meaning, don’t fucking sit here, all passive aggressive like i’m going to sweetly chime in and say oops sorry i’ll move, you know in that voice that pressures someone else to give them what they want. raymi don’t play that. she was sitting closer to me when it happened and there was a dude, in her pack of friends that was sitting beside my mom, a row of four empty chairs none spoken for, so she didn’t like that these two cute blonds were separating her hoarding of space. i look at her and say I’M. NOT. MOVING. then turn back to my mom. alpha woman goes, ooooh, scary. you broke up a party. we ignore her, it’s NOT a big deal but she has some of the wind taken from her sail cos obviously nobody ever steps to this bitch prior to miss white showing up to throw down. so she moves away and her friend is grimacing at the awkward and kind of apologetic to us and i say you know, we just walked from the other side of town and all we want to do is sit. period. friend is down with that. THEN. twenty minutes later she comes back and i’m thinking cool an olive branch. not so much. she’s all, look, now (in teacher condescension voice) you don’t have to do this (oh really we don’t? you mean we have free will!?) but, this is ONLY a suggestion, there’s two chairs down the way over there (pointing to end of bar) now if you want to move over there you can… mom and i are looking at each other silently, poker face city…. we have more friends coming….she continues.

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i let the lady finish her bullshit, draw in a breath then say,

YOU NEED TO RELAX. YOU ARE VERY CONTROLLING, YOUR FRIENDS CAN MOVE AROUND US WE ARE LEAVING IN HALF AN HOUR! NOW GO AWAY!

she was stunned fully into shutting the fuck up and beat it.

my mom went wooooooow. LOLOLOLLOLLOL! i had had e-fuckingnough by this point. my mom drove me bananas all goddamn day (love you!) and seriously we’re like basically at the go station we have very little time here and this fucking alpha beast is hassling us. twice. you do not own this corner of front street, you may be a bar fly wine slut regular and be important at your stupid company but you are not the boss of everyone in the real world so deal with it. my mom read that women are like this to other women all the time, controlling and competitive and they won’t stop and they don’t care which was fuel for me to rip it to her good. in another universe if she didn’t try a stunt like that we’d be networking and i’d have said something smart to her when she was talking stupidly about twitter (wrong) and given her my card and maybe kissed her ass to see if i could get a deal out of her.

then a guy in her party (not an actual party, they had a boardroom meeting. HUGE!) started flirting with me from across the bar and her eyes turned into little burnt out raisins of rage. he asked about the things floating in my drink, mom pinched me and i said in sing song alice in wonderland princess voice, oh it’s a razzmopolitan, it’s on the menu, it’s reeeeally good (making eye contact with alpha woman) he’s all nodding and she’s strangling her wine stem to stop herself from exploding. then i go, what’s your button? pointing to his green do-hicky flare, he’s all oh we’re green development or something, then some layman’s term crap i don’t listen to and i say yeah i get it, you give a shit. excuse me? he asks. you’re eth-i-cal. then we stop talking.

more passive aggressive awkward ignoring each other stares go down i’ll skip it but anyway when we leave i go mom, i am SO making a huge deal of giving her these chairs. mom’s like groaaaaaan. but also two dudes come in, so i’m like mom what’s a better burn, giving the chairs to the dudes or going up to her and making her look more stupid?

if this was choose your own adventure what option would you select?

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how does it feel getting told off by this when you look and sound like a bird and then it blows up in your face? i really want to read her side of the story on her blog!

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and so, your heroic idol walks up to her a little ways down the bar, as mom is collecting her mom things, i tap her on her right shoulder blazer, she turns, dude to her right, the one who was beside her when i ripped her the second time looks at me like, basically all of her friends were silently cheering me on. of course i was drunkish and did’nae give-a care by this point. when was the last time i got in a bar fight? too long! anyway so i say, YOU CAN HAVE THE CHAIRS NOW and she does this phony bow of worship like, oh, it’s “her” you know, like i am the asshole here (i totally am but she started it) and then i say, I SAVED IT FROM TWO MEN then hook my thumb over my shoulder and she skidaddles over to it.

the end.

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ugh that exhausted me but what also exhausts me is that i got in a confrontation BEFOREHAND at the keg with this dude. hilarious. he’s the one who bailed on me last friday for a cab so i had to teach him a lesson sorry dude you’re being blogged. he’s an acquaintance i have no idea what his name is but he’s friends with my PBC people (parkdale boys club) and so i turn my back for three seconds and he’s gone, impatiently out of derek’s place in his own cab. selfish douchebag behaviour. i was waiting on the street in the scary junction alone at midnight, the gas station’s lights turned off in the ghost town desolate sketchiness surrounding me there, i am blond and hot and drunkish and nervous, total target. now i don’t care if he cares that he annoyed me, i didn’t want to bone him (likely part of why he was thinking i wanted a cab so hard, um no i wanted to get dropped off at my fucking house to grab shit and then go to adventurehouse party, it would not have been out of his way to do that) i just wanted to save time cos i know not many cabs would be out cruising on a lark like that, i normally call for one, derek’s building is retarded to navigate in and out of, basically i am a princess.

ok i’ll get to the showdown. i see him talking to a dude at the keg, two dudes actually. i wanted to stop myself but i couldn’t. champagne and whatever those drinks from the spoke club were coursing through me, a drug addict woman would not leave my mom and i alone at the bar, i needed to abuse something or someone. i didn’t even text derek back saying you’re welcome for the bottle of jamesons (i have class)(sometimes) cos i am mad at everyone and thing right now and i’m taking you all down with me ha ha. all i texted derek was tell your tall assholic friend thanks for bailing on me in the junction blablal blah he got that message, and so i walk up to him and say hi, he goes hiiii i say you know i’m really mad at you. he’s all whaaa? his friend is like woah slow up crazy woman basically i put my hand up and go no your friend here, is an asshole. do you do that to girls on a regular basis? (probably) well let me tell you, you’re NOT a gentleman and you are NOT a man. telling off a giant is kind of fucking hard but i did it. i made it super duper awkward (my specialty) and then drug addict chick comes up behind me and is all what’s going on/trying to have my back and shit and i’m like girl fuck off! (in my head) and tall guy has no idea what is going on so i have to continue blasticating him and then other dude is like ok ok let us buy you a drink and i’m all no i don’t WANT a drink i just want to teach him a lesson. ughhhhhhhh if that crackhead didn’t fucking sidle up to me this confrontation would have ended a lot cleaner and smoother and faster, but she hears free drink and goes in for one which mega-time pissed me off. i come from class honour pride i was probably married to a knight in another lifetime i will put myself through the dumbest of instances just to “win” or prove something. yes it’s like that. anyway he apologized, i brought him over to my mom, he said hi, then for the rest of the evening hung out on the patio because i ruined his night. i knew i would never see him again or have any contact and a real life message delivery will always trump a psychotic text message of rage. i just wanted a guy who clearly only looks out for himself to think twice next time and be a little more chivalrous. god i am so larry david it’s disgusting.

ps. i am still in the throws of “the confrontation” anger that i am making an angry face here and did not want this picture to happen. i am a child.

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anywaaaaaaaaaaaaaay mom liked this one best lulz.

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floating raspberries drink.

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how were these mom?

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drunk bravery. i do not like drinking anymore. okay that’s not true, what i don’t like is marathon drinking, all day drinking.

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tracey finally got her coveted tracey boots.

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we began at bier markt shared a salad and a kronenburg.

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i didn’t want to pose by this but mom liked the flowers. i don’t like free blogvertising.

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showed her the upstairs bathrooms. i hissed NO PHOTOS as we walked through the dining room.

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what would our reality show be called? becoming tracey? ahahahha!

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blaha mom blinked.

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got another one.

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she was gonna crash but we didn’t have any booze she wanted lol. good to know. she was pumped and surprised about how close we are to the go train out here i suspect she might be making more visits now.

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when i finally pulled these out to give them to her she so did not give a shit. i almost had a seizure. do you know how many times she has nagged begged pestered, tried to make deals with me for these things! unreal. unbelievable. it’s true, the kerouac women drive everybody around them absolutely insane. but they’re oh so lovable you just keep going back for more.

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and then, as predicted, i was mistook for a keg employee (wearing all black) in the bathroom when i shoulder-checked a woman plowing into the bathroom right into me, i said oh whoops wow and she goes oh sorr…eeee in this tone like, KNOW YOUR PLACE, SERVANT. she’s lucky i had momentum and was already on my way out of there.

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oh my my do straight jackets come in pink? my side pony learned me that my hair is uber long now. i think it made the teacher a little nutso when i came back, like, uh oh she IS blazing hot. what do i do? dude you don’t even know how hot i am with long hair it’s almost mean how hot i am.

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mom popped one in her mouth and almost gagged, she cannot handle heat, this is sweet pea and wasabi something or other.

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i asked the dude to do a jump and if i had one more bev in me i’d have shown him the one figure skating move i know. there were too many glass tables and i did not want to pull a mary katherine gallagher.

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go mom go mom go mom (picture me doing the running man. i will perform it for my brother next i see him hahaha)(it will be filmed).

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so cute. makes me want babies.

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shawn spells is name the same way my brother’s is so this means we are family.

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mom’s flash on the salad makes it look like a heat lamp. ew. overpriced/not worth it. as uje. server was nice.

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mine!

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if i didn’t look like this i’m pretty sure i’d be a lot nicer but i do, so i’m not.

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legs to kill, mom.

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what a little diva.

roots day!

North York Accountants

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there is no question i’m all about joie de vivre with a photo like this.

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yesterday at the burroughes building they held the launch of eye weekly’s new brand enterprise, the grid. it was exactly what i expected, booze-off central. D(ay)T(ime)D(runk). saddle up partner.

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strong drinks too. we stayed just over an hour, got there early and walked back in time to catch survivor.

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i love this building, when i get an invite to something here i know it’s going to be a gong show. i’m trying not to be a drunk anymore so i restricted myself. no hangover today despite the drink rounds we did, we shared. do you like how my blog is a guide to being a grandma socialite now? take teeny sips.

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this is us leaving, a bit cocked. went there on empty stomachs knowing dinner would be going around on trays and i’d have to tackle some servers to get a base going.

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my hair was fluffy. i forgot about this party, thought it was next week (i must introduce more organization into my life) i was sitting in the bath and teacher came home i’m like i forwarded you something, it’s on may 11 next week, he’s like that is TODAY. it was 4.30, we had an hour to get ready. fluff attack was the outcome.

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some servers don’t like their photo being taken at events (this isn’t one) and i think it’s cos they take these jobs on as a side-gig and don’t want people to know. some get feisty, one dude rolled his eyes at me. hey brah if anyone should be rolling eyes it should be ME at YOU. servant. now give me another piece of salmon. the drink i am holding is one of sandy’s signature concoctions, she’s the first person i recognized there. girl can make drinks like holy shit, may as well be called black out punch. delicious.

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crappy picture (my fault) but hi jen! running into people you know at these things is always funny, suspiciously, why are YOU here? uh dude, same reason you are. i am cool and notable. jen and i didn’t act like this to one another though, don’t make connections with my photos and captions. not always anyway. then i bumped into lucas by sandy’s station, same thing, why the fuck are you here and why didn’t you tell me? um i thought you’d be here? yeah right lucas. no one likes to share basically and i do recall mentioning this party on twitter and some other time at 4 in the morning when i brought everyone back to teachers to drink the house while i cooked. i was soberaoke that night oh yeah i go up to sandy yesterday and say CLEANSE IS OVER. she said but didn’t you do a shot when i saw you? no. passed it off to courtney. people who are trying to be sober and needing to hide it to not make a big deal of it, there are all these goofy little tricks to trick your friends into thinking you’re drinking too but if you need to do that to people then those probably aren’t the kind of friends you want.

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this guy rolled his eyes at me but then i watched him (because he became my secret enemy after that, secret to him haha) and noticed his face was moving all over the place like maybe nervous ticks or i dunno. these are the details that keep this thing alive.

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teacher has a nice face, he goes too modelly though, lisa said so. it’s like i am dating two people, glasses and no glasses guy, when i catch him with them off i often double-take, who is that?

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i had three seconds to invent an outfit. the loudest outfit possible. cool.

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i always match my surroundings, the blue of the shirt, the yellow and the lemons. my hair soaked up all the blue light.

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now that i am getting skinnier and have become a smiler it appears that my dimple is expanding. wicked bonus. had to take breaks from the people sea to scope the view.

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i have copious aloof stances to shield me from people staring at me anxiety, make zero contact and keep moving. OR if you stand still in the middle of the room, it looks like you are actually doing something. merely standing there is an activity, then you see people quickly start shuffling all around you like they need to get out of your way from all that busy standing you’re doing, vip-importantly. i am serious. people are funny. herd mentality is a laugh riot.

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real or fake?

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real enough.

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those boots make me look like i should be holding a trumpet. btw these boots are over now, i knew i would be pushing my luck in wearing them. i wore them because i thought they would help mask some of the loudness of my pants, and make me look more proportionate. my ankles get so skinny and in these tight acid wash jeans especially i look way too bell shaped, pear shaped? i basically have to be a skeleton like on survivor day 38 in order not to look hips don’t lie 24/7.

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ahh my hair is growin’ and growin’. it’s almost time my girlfriends.

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bitch stance. that’s sandy behind me.

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that’s lucas behind me.

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um these are my teeth?

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thanks for the dranks. (and the roots bags plus flask, it would be cool if one of the sig cocktails was in the flask, incredibly illegal)(with a note saying BLOG THIS AND DIE).

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what’s with all the fancy cars and valets along queen this stretch?

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i think i became “famous” because i love being photographed and staging shots or happening upon some and giving it a try. my obsession in my own interests are is (who knows anymore) interesting.

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oh what a coincidence.

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these are my bb pics now.

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i like how it looks like we are usher-ready. how did the rest of the night go, lucas? tyler?

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every time i see her making a drank i laugh and remember stew saying oh right, the last time i had drinks at sandy’s i didn’t wake up til ten pm the next night. haha. that is some serious drinking and i know, i’ve been there. i was very depressed that night so don’t judge.

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christ i look like my mom, my mom with her hair now (but better) but her younger intense shy strong face, no? the older i get the more i get checked out by older dudes like, dos equis man lookin’ mawfuckers that probably own islands and magnum speedboats. ahhhh. one day i’ll go to metro and i won’t come back ahahaa. teacher is gonna love that one.

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speaking of, there he is with superdad. dude who bamboozled me in the globe&mail and changed my life. he even said his sister was asking about teacher. how soap opera-y. i told him to tell her that, in the beginning between us it was “complicated” but now we are giving this relationship thing a go, but keep it on the d/l. it’s less fucked up now but i am keeping it messy, defiantly. i am not prepared to give up my independence just yet, even though i am. it’s not complicated actually, it’s just none of your fucking business is what it is ha ha.

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shulgan said my literary agent is getting all big time now i say whaaaat? why isn’t he lighting a fire under my ass then why do i have to learn to do things on my own hey? fucking call me bucci. lulz. i got bucci because of shulgan, bucci is his agent/friend too. i have plans to get that book done asap, so nevermind about it (you guys, blog readers) i feel a sign is coming my way very soon to tell me to get on it, yes i am talking cosmic-like, but more so, a wake up call. hopefully.

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it’s interesting to see the same people i’ve seen for years at parties and events, i don’t remember any of their names (that was a lot of drinking) and they don’t recognize me, well they do but they can’t place it. so i’m in this vacuum of forever-awkward, do i approach them and say hi or not? i feel like a specimen sometimes. teacher scoped out all the people he said were looking at me, glad he didn’t tell me until we were on the couch. WHO? WHERE? HIM!? hahaha.

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teacher had never been to something like this before. i think he was nervous. i was nervous but for other reasons, more so anxiety from heat, exhaustion, think i’m sick (or dying of cancer because i can’t stop coughing, i’m losing sleep over it) and floating in the tub daydreaming about survivor and how that was the only thing i had to do, was watch it. anyway so he’s like what should i wear? ugh i dunno you deal with that i have my own problems but then his became my problem because i realized this was our first outing together in raymiworld and people would be watching. i had to have a glass of white wine to relax. which is stupid when you’re on your way to a boozapalooza. i get anxiety, what can i say, once i get used to warm weather and um, life? i will be mellow yellow.

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like this guy.

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i forgot about the rooftop. we didn’t go up, no point, teacher quit smoking, it would only torture him.

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how many times have you been wasted at this intersection. let me count the ways.

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you can see the hospital and from this distance kensington market doesn’t seem far at all, our city isn’t very big. yet is? nevermind.

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welcome to TRONo.

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see anyone you recognize?

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the tendress from ruby was there.

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is it a good or bad thing that i know more bartenders than all other bloggers?

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loved the ask zandar glowing orbs.

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i better win something.

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allergy attack. if i wasn’t a lazy ass SO BUSY yesterday i’d have been dropped off by my other bike (at casie’s) and biked it over to teacher’s THEN taken my other one to get the tires pumped up and THEN we’d have ridden bikes instead of cabbing it. so exhausting. that chore is a two people job.

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want some candy?

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i told you i was skinny yesterday. andrew put me through the ringer big time. we should have taken photos yesterday because monday’s shoot i was pms-bloated comparatively to this bone rack seen here. oh well.

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during my blog speech i said i was paid thousands of dollars to get into shape the kids were like for serious! and knelt like wayne’s world (kidding)(to the kneeling, not the money) but yeah, you know how expensive a personal trainer is to begin with right? i truly am lucky.

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i was worth every penny.

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time to get schooled.

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first thing’s first i have to shut this door, my allergies are exploding. kids, when you get to my dusty old age you might be lucky enough to develop allergies like me. something to look forward to.

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ok now this is going well… hmm. luckily once i start talking i don’t stop until i run out of breath so there was no need to pull up my blog, the real deal is standing right in front of you, maybe wait to check it out at home with your parents so they can hit the roof lol.

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that’s me and mr. bates. he taught all of my dude friends and first bf, i’d mill about the nerd class-wasting gaggle around him back in the day in the halls. i knew this was a good teacher. he found me on facebook through all of our mutual friends and started reading my blog then i was like YOU are in luck, i’m an sss graduate.

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do you like how i am dressed like a complete total slob? me too. i dash out to the car and go to my colleague, too much? holding the chain up meanwhile the entire joke is about my see-through shirt, hella appropes. i forgot to mention that the ratty bikini top i have been wearing for years will be aiding in some more product placements in the form of uber fashionista swimsuits this summer. i was too busy talking about how many times i was in the newspaper to add that.

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i did a lot of teacher posturing. teachers lean on desks for absolutely no reason, it’s not comfortable, it has no purpose other than trying to look smarter and domineering. well, cool really.

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my hair was retarded. ok i will stop bashing myself and get on with it.

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this student was nice, she thanked me for coming afterward aww. i always made a point to come forward and thank speakers too. your peers have nothing for you, so always cling to guests like a barnacle, get their contact too and make a mentor out of them.

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i took english media in this class with mr. i forgethisname but kinda looked like douglas coupland. my fascination for advertising and all things marketing came out of this rinky dink room. standing up delivering my sideshow act definitely brought me back.

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i can see my old friend’s houses, burn out houses. all my friends who lived closest to the school were always the latest showing up.

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right off the bat i listed a bunch of perks of my blog(thug)life, girls, got my hairs sponsored, my nails sponsored, yeah, this platinum is pricey, my purse, these shoes, spokesmodel for a personal training facility, paid to party etc etc. the one blond girl in the room was all ears after that. i liked her pants. i also compared blog world to hip hop world, there’s rivals and beefs, you keep your frenemies close. got a bunch of nods out of that. haha remember the family guy episode when brian comes in rapping about romeo and juliet pffft ahaha.

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i wanted to be a teacher when i was a kid. i read to my stuffed animals and my name was mrs. clorenchio (i had a lot of italian teachers in elem school) oh man that was somehow fun for me?

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ugh i cannot believe i went as john belushi to this. when i go back to speak to the grade ten biz class i will dress like a legal secretary. though i stayed true to what i am and do. i get to sleep in! they’re all like whaaaaa? yeah it’s true. it doesn’t mean i don’t bust my balls off though (right now for instance it is 8.30am and i’ve been up since 7, coughing, but i know i have a lot on my plate today so up i am) you get to schedule when you sleep and when you blog. it’s smart to try and follow the 9-5 mon-fri work week schedule though cos that’s when cubicle farms are open for business and lazy asses are procrastinating ie. facebook, raymi’s blog.

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this kid taught me something just by asking a simple question in that innocent way only a teenager could, he goes, but, why do you care about haters? like at all? then everyone chimed in yeah why? (cos clearly i am awesome). excellent point dude.

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my canned response was my typical go-to well, i am a defensive person by nature, people push my buttons for a reaction and everybody knows raymi reacts. but he’s right, they’re right. haters are nobodies getting in my way. thanks kids. however, it’s content and people like to see me get mad. i look hot when i’m mad (ex’s have purposely picked fights with me for this very reason, sick eh) and my intelligence climaxes and the zings come out. it’s unhealthy though and i don’t like it. negativity is cancerous. i explained that part of my recipe IS that i go there, i’ll go down to their level and throw a punch, some readers like that, while others like the fairytale fantasy of shopping and pictures of jewellery. there’s something for everyone.

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i mentioned bullying a little bit, vaguely, but made comparisons to online bullying and being mean, highschool mean. one day somehow they’ll police all the internet trolls. losers who have been harassing people for years.

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class pic! we gotta do some crouching here. see the cute girls staring down at me, i love this.

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wait a minute i have an idea.

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on the count of three…

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we’re all gonna jump. haha one kid got mr. bates with the bunny ears. wicked.

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hahaheeh so cute. mr bates is awesome. wait’ll i show all my sss’ers this post.

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almost there…

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wow my stomach. thanks for that.

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landed. now lets try it again.

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whee high school musical except for that one girl. plaid shirt guy was able to jump in flip flops. impressive. kid furthest left got the most air.

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this was so fun compared to all the other nervous times i’ve presented, next time i will do even better and actually be prepared.

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oh, here we go again.

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blondie is so cute, also wearing toms. this is so never been kissed right?

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omg i am a thousand years old. i even wore a gauzy shirt like drew. ew puke.

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hahaha.

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i don’t recall jumping this many times.

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welcome to the big leagues kids.

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ahh memories.

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there’s no point in telling you what i spoke about (as i have barely any recollection of it, all original all the time haha) but mostly, if you want to hear my raymisms then i guess we’ll have to organize another speaking engagement or i dunno. there’s so much to do, so much in building an empire/brand.

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only fat girls drink diet coke. paris hilton said that. epic bitch. hilar. i was speed talking when i first showed up after sitting in traffic and arriving late, mr. bates was like speaking of tea, would you like an iced one? oh hell yes i’d love one. they were out, so it was a coke. which i haven’t had in a very long time, i’ll drink diet if anything, which is where the p. hilton quote comes from, the teacher told me that yesterday when i told him how it went. i also told mr. bates i’m seeing a teacher right now so i know alll your teacher tricks, when you run out of lessons that’s when it’s movie day! mr. bates i want to read your blog too. one highlight was getting the key to the teacher’s bathroom, i asked a girl in the hall where it was and she’s all uhh i don’t know. me either. so i went into the staff room thinking it was right there, the door closes behind me and i see all their cups hanging up and their lounge and, in my head i’m all ding ding ding this is the plot of a judd apatow flick i am standing in. i got spooked out, didn’t want to have to talk to any other teachers so i left and used the student bathroom instead meanwhile i had the golden key to the golden john. funny. colleague used the boys in the tech hall. there’s no girls bathroom down that corridor because the school was built during sexist times, there’s no way girls would take auto or tech so they don’t need bathrooms. also something funny, mr. bates has no idea where the student washrooms are ahahaha.

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busted into the library and found THE copy of on the road i used for my essay in grade 12, replete with all my notes, underlined passages, retarded emo quotes. i couldn’t believe it. i have referenced this book for years on my blog making going back to the library (and taking it) jokes, never assuming it would still be there. but it was! exactly ten years later too, i was 18 when i wrote that essay, it was the last month of school, mid-may and we had a month to work on it. spooooky kismet.

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the librarian came over and was all uhhhh? i’m like, i went here and i just did a talk, may we take photos?

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this floored me. this was my life right before i moved to brooklyn and i did not steal this book. one day some little beatnik-in-training may come upon it and be amazed. or severely irritated by all my markings. i like books to have histories, even those that don’t belong to me.

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shh i am reminiscing. no i’m trying to find the page with the most markings, i found it when the librarian came up and looked over my shoulder and it was on THE MOST defaced page ever, then it was lost.

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mr. bates you should go fetch that book.

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there were two copies of on the road. i had to cross-compare it to big sur, which is a piece of shit in comparison, i resorted to finding a kerouac fanatic in a chatroom to help me finish writing my essay. ha burn.

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yeah keep the shades on babe.

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here i am replacing it.

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i’ve had dreams of this library. the school seems the same in size, not like it’s SO SMALL when you revisit a place. lockers are painted differently, there’s a remembrance photo of mr. stern (rip) by the drama class the only thing different is the students, THEY seem younger, which i am envious of and happy for i guess.

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then we went to home hardware. this was my treasure of a job for five years (off and on) i made all my monies here. my parents were like fine if you want to go off to new york go ahead, but we’re not giving you any money. way ahead of you dudes, i’d take every paycheck, convert it into $USD and slip it between my mattresses. i am not a trust fund brat i told the students. true i do come from privilege like anybody else might but, i was determined and driven to make shit happen and if i had to do it on my own steed, then that is what i gotta do. i knew college/university would kill me, i needed to let my free spirit be and get outta dodge. i’d sit on these cement parking spot blocks smoking cigs and stare out at the bleak gray joyless shit hole mississauga nothingness and decided yeah, i am moving far away from here. more than half of my success is chalked up to spite. ha i’ll show them, and so i did.

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it was nice to see pat and see my old life.

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i had many customer fans too, i was the mouthy one who entertained and delighted and pissed off everyone. how i never got fired, phewf. the owners, my bosses, are italian, very family oldschool, so there was no way i was getting kicked out.

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staring fondly down the automotive section. one time after the metallica concert i went to when i was 15 and blew my ears out in the mosh pit, i was sorting junk down this aisle on order day and paul was like LAUREN YO HELLO talking to me then frustratedly comes up right beside me, still don’t hear him then finally i sense his presence and absentmindedly look up all confused, WHAT?! he just laughed, walked away, and i called after him WHAT!? WHAT DID YOU SAY I CAN’T HEAR ANYTHING as the swan song of the last decibel of that high pitched frequency rang out in mine ears (ear plugs dudes, use ‘em wisely).

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i could tell you every single thing you do not need to know about every single product home hardware carries. i am proud to be a home hardware champ, they’re independent and canadian. i can’t tell you how many fights i’ve had with dickheads coming in and flipping out over some part we don’t have, well home depot has it, yeah well, fucking go there then. or if something was 40 cents more at h.h. they’d say rona had it cheaper. oh really? well then we know what to do, waste gas on saving forty cents brah. dude’d come back an hour later and buy the part cos rona wouldn’t have it. burn. streetsville “is the village in the city” and having an independent hardware store is essential for that nostalgic vibe. i said i’d blog about them one day, the soap opera of the hardware store, or in a book. i remember everything so there’s no rush. we had a guy with a lobotomy who would come in daily, for an hour, combing every aisle, with no recollection of having been there the day prior. a woman came in once to tell us about him. we’d all flee when he’d come in, only because he’s a talker and you’d get stuck for 20 minutes while he droned on. some days i wouldn’t avoid him. there was never a shortage of crazy (clientele) at hh.

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raymi memory lane tour continues. this is where i danced for many years.

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i’d watch burn outs walking home from school through that window. i miss dance.

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this is the park behind my house, that fence being our fence.

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oh my god my hair is getting on my nerves huge time.

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our driveway.

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this used to be the plaza. now where will everybody hang out?

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i went t preschool here and took swimming lessons in the pool. i am an amazing swimmer, little known fact. could have been a lifeguard.

well that’s enough of that. there goes the bell.

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another present. this hello kitty thing is getting out of control now haha. once you have “a thing” it just takes over, that’s why some weirdos have like 300 trolls in their office cubicles people get obsessed with your collecting and think they’re helping when really the person is thinking you could take all those trolls and buy me a laptop instead. those are the telepathic messages i am sending out into the ether now.

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still very precious to me. i better have a daughter, or a gay son for all the girly crap i have accumulated over the years.

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went upstairs to scope out the roof to see how much ikea i can fit up there. it needs to be cleaned. do you think we can have everything cleaned and ready and assembled by friday? and by we i mean teacher because i am not doing a thing because i am exhausted and a lazy princess. i’m going to post a bunch of shots to embarrass and shame us into tidying we’ve been messier than usual lately.

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it’s my goal to make this summer better than last year’s. i know it will be.

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that table came with the deck cos they put it together up there and it won’t fit through the door, way to go genius. hmm. i’d like a big ass ottoman type cushioned thing in a corner spot. is it smarter to mix and match or buy an entire set? are you glad that date machine is dying a defiant slow death and this is turning into domestic molestic bliss now?

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two loungers will fit here easily plus something else you could squish in, then some nice plants and white xmas lights it’ll look like a cruise ship.

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mother’s day morning at my dad’s. i love hanging at my dad’s. hi dad!

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what is up.

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mystery camera is fun. i like, have no recollection of taking any of these then a few days later get to ply you with more redundancy. it’s a living.

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like come on am i ever going to wear this outfit again now thanks to blog? no.

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MORE. monster needs more.

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quite pleased with myself here, happily stuffed from a great dinner.

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see the lighter pink on my fingers now scroll back to the top, different shade of pink. melodie took my bottle of guava to paris with her, the other colour on my fingers seen here. it suits her more, on my just washes me out as well as makes my fingers look too tanned and dirty.

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have been on a chianti kick for awhile. typically i do this until i’ve tried every single one at the lcbo worth buying, capping it off with a vintage or two then move on to the next kind of red which i think will likely be pinot noirs, maybe a baco or two as well if we have enough time. i am a wine snob.

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my belt is twirled over. it’s the manchester in us that makes us highlight the negatives/flaws constantly. i hate it. like if you point out you’re tired looking in a photo then the viewer is like, oh, yeah, thank YOU for pointing that out. burn. maybe if you don’t mention it they won’t notice.

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like, please ignore my middle finger. no way in hell you’re doing that now. yeah this bracelet is not for me, going to exchange it when teachy gets home. i’d wear this but not very frequently. i like stuff i’ll get more mileage from. i am spoiled and i know i deserve it.

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mel and i vibed out this hipster photo shoot, they cut it wicked short. my zoom-ins were all of the ground and the brick wall, here is a closer look. i’ve seen the long haired around town, mel’s like, yeah i think i know a girl who f–ed him. awesome. i also captured the airplane.

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they saw us watching when mel approached, we should have stared down at them from the roof for ultra awkward. hipsters vibing out hipsters. never-ending and no we cannot all get along. unfortunately.

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they got into their separate vehicles and drove off. so curious where to?

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if you’re too lazy to get off the couch to stretch or perform any sort of exercise, do it on the couch then. here i’m not actually doing anything though.

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what a dump.

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this looks like it was survivor night, yup it was. today is also survivor night. i am friends with tv again. just in time for oprah to pack’er in no!!!!

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uhhhhh oh yeah i was hugging the cat. well, surrounding her like a cave trap. she loves me and purrs instantly when i cuddle her like no one has bothered to in 13 years. she is nameless. sometimes called barfer. the other one is called garbage cat (she came from the garbage and looks like it ahahahahaha) but the latest name for her is LADY GARBAGE. ahahaha i am losing my mind from my period i think or this is just how i am now at 28. great!

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i haven’t done laundry in so long when will i ever get to wear those pants again? i just visited the tickle trunk. more like the tickle DUMP but anyway, yeah, i have a lot of spring ceaning in my future and trinkets to get rid of. i am going to take it all to bellwoods and lay it on a blanket and lie there like a lazy hippie until it’s all gone. i’ll let you know what that day is, you should bring all your junk too and then we can build a junk landscape overtaking the park it would be amazing.

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hot mess. you could see some of his nicorette patch and the messy apple cables plus cat scratch marks yeah it’s time we cleaned up our acts.

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my floor sock balls make me laugh. there is no doubt that i have been in a place cos all of my discarded clothings are left exactly where i left them, shoes taken off so fast it looks like a person dematerialized into thin air hours later go back and the shoes have not moved. i picked up bad habits from melucas. i hope mel is having an awesome time in paris right now i’m jealous. or jalouse.

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i am even skinnier than this today. i can’t shake my cough i hope i’m not sick again i’ve felt nauseous all day. right now i’m drinking gingerale and veg broth and pretending i am fasting still, and living in a forest where they drink broth of leaves and branches.

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that’s lady garbage on the right ahhahaa maybe she should get her act together too. sometimes i catch them being lesbians.

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even though it’s cruel to de-claw cats, think her life would improve for the better as she’d get more hugs and cuddles from me, which is probably selfish of me (definitely) but ultimately no it’s not, if a cat wants to be hugged maybe it should take into consideration other people’s feelings of not wanting to be stabbed by razor snake teeth sharp claws. who is the cruel one now? ok i think i have bored myself sufficiently enough for the time being now i will go make myself useful elsewhere like on my mom’s facebook wall.

bye-o bye-o sky-o sky-o.