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well hey there pals looks like i’ve raised bit of a stir with the last OPINIONS i expressed on my blog-o thing here. whoops! living outside the box or apart from the normal restraints of society, expectations, blah bla etc look i was born to be a difficult renegade and all i am doing here is living 9 lives at once because it cushions me from reality and hey if i can make it all possible for myself why don’t i then?

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i had a wonderful 24 hours and i had the british guilt the entire time. if everything seems fine then something mustn’t be right. fuck i spend so much time being glum if i ever have the audacity to be like guess what i think i have it pretty good there’s always someone waiting and willing to tell you that that is not ok. you should feel bad. why? i dunno just because! is it not ok with you that i enjoy my life? no?

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this is what i have to say in defense of your telling me i should feel bad about, what exactly? i should feel bad that i don’t feel shame. why should i feel shame? are you a christian? well guess what as soon as the next guy is ready to make a field of raymi bunnies with me i will start feeling bad at all that time i missed out on being young and enjoying life for me. think about that! how obscene to enjoy MY life. for me!? madness!

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i used to have to plan for two people all the time and impress everyone in our circle. i put so much pressure on myself and i still do but now for different reasons. am i greedy? fuck yeah. self-righteous? oh yes. how disgusting am i for focusing on me and doing what i want to do. ok i am tired of this now.

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i’ve done enough “suffering” to know when to count my blessings. i am pretty forthright on the daily, i share my thoughts and feelings with the world and we learn from my successes and failures. i am not hurting anybody other than myself (maybe some guys along the way but that comes with the territory, they treat me like shit too okay) and BLOGGING it.

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when did blogging become illegal exactly?

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you can turn the channel. if you compare me to snooki and some other reality bullshit you are only revealing how into that sort of thing you actually are and to cite stuff about my mother’s twitter feed? yeah, i’d say you’re pretty heavily invested in the whole she-bang, a little obsessively and who’s the unhealthy one here? not only that you’re casting stones and saying hurtful things. i will never be brought down to your level WHEN will this become clear to you people?

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sorry you aren’t as gregarious as me no truly i am but it’s not my fault i have a big mouth and i decided to be enterprising one day and set goals for myself and hustle my balls off to create something that never existed before and maybe one day i’ll make enough money so no one in my family has to work WOW how totally fucking SHAMEFUL of me.

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arran said he was just thinking about being a taker and that he didn’t take enough but he was gonna start doing it. like i didn’t even take anything it is just a concept overall to protect myself from the disaster of having my own feelings hurt time and time again. it’s just being smart. instead of being puppy dog clingy for guys i’ll let them go and if they wanna hang again then that’s fine too. this is actually exceptionally healthy of me to go about it this route, lady. going with the flow is the way to go and then let the cards falls where they may and other stupid metaphors.

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hot tubs at night under the stars and the moon and coyotes tracking the property, steamy mist bohemian smoke off the water yeah that’s pretty good and if any of you have a hot tub then by all means raise your hand like you wouldn’t cut a path straight to one and fill it with a girl like me who has the time to lounge around with you? something we call a no brainer in these parts. the only shame is your shitty comments coming through to me while i was trying to get my wake n bake on this early st patrick’s day morning.

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annoying i know i can’t stop re-addressing. this sign was nicked from liverpool. authentic.

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props were on deck. ivy league snotty girl cooking outfit.

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maybe i am just crazy on power greed or something. you change your whole outlook on shit (it’s been only 24 hours!) and then you just mellow the fuck out. me and the roommates had some back and forth (bills-centric) email-volleys that got a bit heated, it harshed said mellow a little bit but whatever. i have to plunk down hundreds more dollars cos i blog here during the day soaking up all the hydro in the city to my drafty tickle trunk room. oh well. you see it’s not all fantasy fiction you stupid fucking assholes let me have mine kay? shiit dawg i earned this.

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i am without any hint of bragging sheepishness, a totally amazing cook. this is rosemary cumin (or carraway, or maybe both hahaha) chicken and other secret spices and junk, prosciutto, onions peppers mushrooms. we laid it on mesclun and cucumber that i dressed with sriracha olive oil and parm. the leftovers this morning stacked on multigrain and old chedder with egg whites. stepford wifestyles.

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up by 9.

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you can see the hot tub.

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i belong here.

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getting in st. pat’s spirit.

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justin bieber jock bait.

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me as spike lee. this one won on twitter for more views than the biebs did.

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morning coffee.

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raymbo bright le cinnamon girl. we listened to neil young on the way home and i said yeah i guess i’m a cinnamon girl. he said it was like a sugar girl. yep, me.

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ugliest apple in the world and my favourite.

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this is one of those humongous cats.

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stretch interlude during due date. hilarious movie so many good quotes. when he (r downy) hits the kid the little girl looks at him and he goes what? she goes nothing and he goes nothing is right. awesome. and then in this other movie i forget the name of, that steve carrell cartoon thing something of the kid’s gets damaged and he goes oh yeah, that, it was accidentally destroyed maliciously. very clever script.

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out hunting rabbits and then one just appears out of nowhere.

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i won. i am nerd bait incarnate. elders win. i said i had more years experience and it’s not fair, i started in grade one. i revealed my strategy too. i also love risk.

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hot tub time machine.

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that steam view i was waxing poetry on. sigh.

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we watched braveheart too. on st patrick’s day. somewhat fitting. it inspired me to put my rabbit on. there is something backward about me owning this. for fur i will feel shame but it seems like everyone just got over being blowhards over animal rights activism (one cause i definitely am behind for i don’t care about the hypocrisy over eating meat ok so don’t even) it also coincided with the economy bouncing back-ish and then everyone felt comfortable blowing money on baubles and then boom fur is in vogue and no one makes a stink anymore about it we’re allowed to like luxury goods again and flaunt them.

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you can’t take them with you when you go and you can’t spend it when you’re dead so it’s now or never.

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so the moral of the story is, be the best you you can be and if not you have no one to blame other than yourself not the girl blogger, okay. bring those around you up along with you if you can now if you’ll excuse me i have a date with some leiderhosen. i have social anxiety a little today and wearing that thing makes me nervous cos it is an attention soaker. see you at the end of the rainbow bring pot, i’m the gold.

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question of the day: Tony Rebeiro asks: @raymitheminx which alter ego of yourself do you like the most? interested tooo knooow

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hmm. well when i can manage to successfully pull it off i dig my snotty fake rich ice girl hat cos then i can fuck with actual rich people with even easier lives than me if i can inspire a bit of jealousy in someone i am jealous of then that’s great. well not really. it’s actually vile of me and worthy of feeling actual shame over but, meh. there will always be someone better and prettier, more successful and luckier than you so accept it now and be happy with what you’ve got.

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i know that i am a good person and i don’t wrong others i can sleep soundly at night, i know who i am, i am solid. wow it’s like oprah breathed life into my self esteem or something.

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ok bye for real now.

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whats new with me? oh lots. lots of nothing of importance so that’s good i guess.

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guess who won.

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very nice people. last night turned out fun. i met a dude at the bar. he had an accent. i don’t do accents.

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boehmer’s all seriously raymi, what are you doing? i was so overdressed too. embarrassing. oh well. i have a new game tactic for dating. i’m going in with no feelings. not boyfriend hunting so i’m embracing all the players now and enjoying their bullshit for what it is. short-lived, a way to pass time while i talk about myself at lightning speed drinking on their dime.

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this is the other half of boehmer. they’re working on their newest restaurant right now. these are who i look to for inspiration. man i am looking good eh.

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paul also said i should be blogging for the greater good, japan stuff not just about me and my stupid crap. well that’s nice and all coming from an established successful business dude but i am my own charity right now so one day when i am lounging in a hammock sippin’ on tang i’ll get one of my assistants to donate money to whatever disaster next hits the planet and while we’re at it people, this planet is a finite resource so start cleaning up after yourselves jesus christ.

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the thing is i am sick of myself too but this is the little hole i have pigeoned myself into so what batter’s up next will always be me-centric. i cannot even have a vacation from me ok think how i must be feeling somedays, ugh, just shut up please (me) oh no wait i can’t.

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the guy i met was a mathematician, like, the complete opposite of what i am. he goes yeah that’s right i like it. i almost said well i don’t but i was nice. i almost came right out and said you know, i am feeling nothing here cos i was finding it hard to pay attention to what he was saying while i was busy pretending to listen (it’s harder to pretend to be listening you may as well just actually fucking listen) and text people simultaneously. rude i know but i was pissed he didn’t look like his photos he used flattering huge jaw angles to win me over.

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he gave a shit about drinks though so that was good. i saw him out and stuck around to drink with the boys at the bar. i just cannot stand accents like, at all. only the irish british ones. am i a racist? i just can’t get over having to enunciate and hyper-focus on someone i’m not attracted to when i can’t fucking understand what they are saying. they’re way better over text, intelligent, thoughtful but in person the translation is all lost. i am attracted to meat and potatoes men. it changes from day to day. i need an alpha guy. yeah, i can’t be the alpha i need someone to beat me at everything.

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i’m going to die a spinster. in a spinster house. i am fine with that. what am i even searching for?

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i just had an epiphany yesterday about all this, maybe i was drunk on pre-spring or something but i realized i really do no want to be tied down right now. i’m never going to be 27 28 again? i should enjoy young boys while i can right? why should i limit myself? how mad at myself am i going to be when i am 40 if i blow this now? so, your hero for the next little while (until everything goes to shit again) has decided to become a taker. like a man. oh what’s that you misplaced something? no you didn’t actually, because i took it. it’s mine now. raymi the taker. i go in to dates thinking i am going to fall in love with them but the fun ends one to two weeks in when you realize they won’t stop saying ANYWAYS (not a word, no S required!!!!!) and then you rinse and repeat with another. IF you want this minx you must staple me down into your heart and do some serious mind fucking and endearing obsessive fixating on me and babysit me when i am hungover and then you must realize that this show never stops. ever. it might even get worse.

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they can say all the mean things about me they want, to me or their friends but if they think they can try to tie me down or give me any shit this is who they are dealing with little miss 590. almost at 600 well i definitely surpassed it cos i’ve opened lots to make fun of on my tumblr so yeah buddy, back the fuck off. this is like being proud of eating glue in kindergarten don’t worry i know this.

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and i don’t quite know what i am looking at here but this is where i will be for the night in relaxo pants and i’ll crack out my vintage one piece for the hot tub too. just kidding i will be a la buff.

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money nails much! my fingernails are endangered. Muskoka cottage

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green gator leather. semi-st. patty’s day themed enough.

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i don’t really think i will tire of being a minx girl. heartbreaker salon is located along the path of my favourite stoner route i can just walk from parkdale in a straight line up through bellwoods to dundas pop in get a rainbow design on my bare nails (buffed from home ready to go) yeah yeah and off i go. i’m a creature of routine and of habit so this suits me fine i explode through the door and update kathy on all my stupid exploits tip her a twenty then re-trace my steps back home again. if part of my routine is going to get stickers on my nails done professionally every two weeks then, so be it.

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not a bad life. it’s going to be a good summer. will totally make up for last summer when i wanted to die every three seconds. i will also be having special binikis because this pr girl is sick of seeing me in my ratty black string bikini top how funny is that.

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this one is an example of do not fuck with me.

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long thumb nail finally motivation to grow those suckers out.

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the lovely stampede man was so hypnotized by my nails when i filled out my order chit. (bison burger caramelized onions roasted red peppers hot sauce mayo and ketchup and a stiegl no sides no way) i gave him my card cos he was perplexed, do you do that every morning? no. minx nails, minx in my brand name, makes sense. when i left he was like will i see my burger on your blog?

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i said yeah sure. he goes oh my god you are canada’s most popular blogger? reading my bullshit on the card. i said yeah, technically it’s true cos he says i figured there’d be like two hundred of you by now. i said nope. not since the year two thousand. anyway he was like yeah cool and i go yeah yeah, livin’ the dream as i am sitting down to my wobbly pop and piles of creative scatterings, camera, purse scarf indie rags. then everyone in the room who was listening to this entire exchange gave up listening but one girl buckled and laughed and finally looked up at me this girl who was orating across the room i nodded at her she said something like some of us got to (live the dream). i will be each and every last one of you’s personal hero if i have to. if it kills me. i also sang all the way home from heartbreaker what do you think about that? i am pretty sure every single worthy of looking at me guy looked at me on my journey and i was like ok be careful now no more boys, we’re working on buying a house ($$/career) not manhunting.

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she did it so it’s ok if i do it. inspiration.

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me and my flower jumper this summer i am going to need a bodyguard.

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little miss mess.

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BLAMMO PAJAMO! name of fictional sick kids superhero i will draw one day if i ever get time. i will be in a hot tub tomorrow relaxing on a mini-city vacay so i will have to remember to keep my paws up. kathy says i can ask minx to custom make a raymi the minx nail design. i already know what i want.

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spring has definitely sprang and it’s my birthday month (march 31). don’t ask me what is going on i am pretending that imaginary elves are taking care of it as long as i get a shit ton of presents i don’t care if we hang in a gutter. also, potential marketer’s wet dream blog birthday bonanza opportunity for advertisers. celebrating raymi climbing out of the 27 club‘s jinx. with leopard print talons. jinx le minx.

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i sped walked like a machine there and back like the scary cop in terminator 2 i have a speed walking trck i do same as for the elliptical. my new diet plan will be to eat earlier instead of late at night stoned on dates. i have to throw gasoline on to my metabolism fire earlier or i won’t lean out ever.

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bison is more expensive but it’s better than you. HAHA than you. FOR YOU. i bought some bison sweetgrass vodka too. vodka soda diet too. BUH-ORING.

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no makes on either well just a bit of base so i looked like a scary creature from he-man but it’s ok urban dudes love the plain face. makeup face is just for you internet people.

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dinner’s on you muhfuckah.

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wow lots of yellow pigments going on there maybe i have jaundice. some days (hasn’t been lately i’m proud to say i’ve been quite good) i’ve been so hung i’d have partial bloodshot eyes and a splash of jaundice yellow making a nice orange tint to your eyeballs in the morning. YUM YUMMY! that’s when i write love sonnets to the makers of visine.

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lucas was like are you suuuuure? what? so what. bitch needs to get paid son. our hydro bill (for the chunk of winter) was $1300! luc was like i just looked at our hydro and i almost puked, the month before was $600, this house is drafty and riddled with leaks. our rent is pretty deece but the hydro is where we get punched in the nuts so when i do a buncha blog deals it’s like yay we’re all gettin’ wasters fancy time wuh oh no now i get to put a down payment on SOMETHING INVISIBLE AND INTANGIBLE that costs as much as a laptop. ok i have to stop thinking about this or i will get super fucking bummed.

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so i will enjoy the fleeting moment of what it feels like to hold a cheque in my hand the money barely gets a chance to settle in your palm before it’s straight to a bill of some sort or other. it’s not the amount (the sponsorship to me is priceless as it’s a luxury service) that i’m trying to show it’s the seeing of MINX on a cheque and for once it’s not my name misspelled (hi can we pay to the order of ronald fucking mcdonald too while we’re at it? RAYMI THE MINX is not a real person, she cannot deposit money i’m sorry to burst the fantasy bubble) it’s the brand saying hey what’s up to me and my brand. i dunno just funny and cute and neat. i have a minx magazine too from when i was 16 an ex-bf found it for me. it tanked of course cos i’ve never seen it since.

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hope my metabolism is doing its work right now. no more eating after 7/8.

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which means i am going to become way more psychotic with my food obsession and photographing meals.

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not a bad day. no not at all. thank you for asking.

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catch ya on le flipside.

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off to get minxed!

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look it’s sexy cat!

and thanks to saying total recall on my blog yesterday i had to google it. died laughing. like so…

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i’m so sharon stoner.

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feel like this after a bender.

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hot.

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hahahhaa

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YAH!!!!

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this movie is awesome.

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love her outfits. classy sexy. kind of sinister.

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and trashy.

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hi there fräuleins, please don’t forget or leave me ever thank you! now with that out of the way lets get down to business. show time!

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look it’s my brother and don cherry this morning. they went for coffee together at tim horton’s and fell in love over my brother’s fire safety technicianing at a vetrinary and don was there with his ill parakeet with a sad face and my brother was like oh buck up don. no kidding that didn’t happen at all. but this doesn’t exactly look like a vet clinic at all to me. when shawn was on the phone i thought he was building up to and THEN i told him all about you lauren and your blog and now we have season’s tickets. nope. just, can you email me this photo so i can put it on facebook? haha sure yep. no problem. but then i had to do it for him and when he told what his password was i laughed. we have similar disgusting passwords. we definitely fell off the same burning in hell tree.

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me as a scary monster this morning at cherry bomb. they added soy to the table i think SPECIFICALLY for me because i always ask for it and they always sigh (soy sigh) and hand it over begrudgingly. we’ve been doing this dance for months now and so they added this tiny meant for coffee soy container which doesn’t suffice, it has higher fat ratio so it doesn’t separate in my americano, that does not appeal because why do i want fat in my coffee? retarded. also, cherry bomb’s coffee is super insanely hot so i need to pour half a cup of soy into it to cool it down if i want any sustenance pre-motion room work out or i’ll scald my insides out and i am so not pouring half a cup of extra fat soy thank youuuuuuuuuuuu. anyway, i just said no i don’t like that soy, i don’t like change. they’re all whatever idiot here you go. there’s one girl there i love cos i always say early morning manic crap at her, i’m typically hung and i used to say so to her until she pointed out that i was doing that so then i stopped doing that and i feel like i have to keep it together in there. i draw a crowd, or attention from it with my zany work outfits and wild spectacular platinum hair.

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yeterday mitizi’s had one of those bands that melt your heart. panflutes and pipes and ahh man love that shit.

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best encore ever what is this edward sharpe and the magnetic zeroes i dig that and all the strung out sunday lush messes were dancing all over the place and lying all over the ground and it was certainly a happening. a moment. we were at the bar deep in the vortex. caught in the abyss. the one server there fully obsessed and addicted to his job, teacher says, he must refer to himself as mitzi’s brother. haha only toronto people will get that (it’s actually called mitzi’s sister)(this hilarious joke made me laugh for a long time).

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tin on tin very classic.

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oh what do i have for lunch today hmmmm wonder if it’s anything worth trading.

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my mom in my comments was all it looks like a 1940s vintage something or other. oh? does it now? are you sure? mom do you even read my blog properly?

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this could conceivably be a great spring suit for when the wind gets whippy on you and you goosebump all over. it’s wool i think.

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i’m gonna party with casie this year. ballin’ clem need to borrow one of these dresses please.

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the soup of the day i mean, yeah. basically you won’t look so cute as a cokehead when you’re 35.

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mm hi there.

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i live in a magician’s trunk. for real.

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i will be wearing this with black tights.

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i will make an appearance at auld spot for old time’s sake at some point. i went there last year like this. i’ll show my st. pat’s photos from last year soon i never got around to it. march was a crazy month.

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fixing my girls. when i put this on i was transported back to burlesque and the dance solo i never got around to. my name was lida hosen. how perfect would this outfit have been? anyway i can and still will choreograph a routine, several maybe and film them or i dunno. i have dita von teese level aspirations if i gun for that i can land somewhere in the middle, in-between and well, you never know.

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i’m going to walk around as if i don’t know i’m in a get-up like this. maybe i’ll do extensions and braids. and charge people to have a photo with me.

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enterprising.

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now what. what’s next. day by day. someone asked me what my 5 year plan was? are you serious? more like five minute plan. good call though. i’m going to grow up now.

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i told the teacher that there’s a friend i have that i identify with. he is the guy version of me. saw him last (last i saw him, i am borderline-dyslexic) and was kinda bored, speaking is irrelevant, we have the exact same stories. date machine-gunning our way through the weeks and so i’m like so how’s work, and he goes, perfect actually, better than ever. raise, promotion, awesome office whatever other amazing work things could go right for a person. i just stared at him with my mouth open slightly jealous yet and in complete awe.

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why i’m sore i dunno but i’m not surprised. this guy is beautiful and hot and manly, good looking people have it easier and fall into luck like crazy and for myself not saying i’m cleopatra or anything but i know i get to bill dance my way through life jumping from luck stone to stone in a marmalde colour brook with rainbows and hearts and butterflies floating all around me. job? what the hell is a job? i actually asked the teacher if classrooms still had desks and if he had a bigger one facing the rest of the students like how it was for me in school. i am basically gary busey.

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april lives in a neat place. with neat weird shit outside.

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totally makes sense, is normal, yup yup. can you picture me as a villain in a slasher flick or horror movie. i was invited to be the star of a troma movie back when i had black hair and blunt bangs. if i just went to new york. could still do it. this is how sub-genre indie i am hahaha GAH blah.

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i need a date with a duvet doctor i don’t know how to get my comforter in it it’s one of my “things” i refuse to learn how to do and i think i blog about it every single time WHYYYYYYY oh why am i soooo hard done by.

ok i just repulsed even myself.

now do you want to see the saddest bathroom in the world?

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i slummed it in hamilton and woke up here.

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oh spectacular industrial wasteland like a siberian mad max look at how we hug the planet.

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total recall robocop stacks we went up an elevator into OPEN AIR way up here like batman or some scene at the end of an action film when shit does down. then we walked to the apartment/condo thing, kind of like those buildings in england, that zombie movie, 28 days later. kind of get the creeps. someone in my comments tried to tell me that hamilton wasn’t a shithole. well now, clearly you didn’t go to where i went. lois wanted to teach me a lesson. my coug crew egged me on to this and i was like ok i’ll take one for he team. you better ba-lieve that shit is never happening again.

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!!!!

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!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok bye for real now.

have a lovely manic monday.

XOXO

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first off, my title is a reference to beauty and the beast. so if you want to think of that and have a chuckle in your stupid head go for it but first, take a gander at what you’re laughing at sucka!

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BLAM! who gonna be my st. paddy’s date/who wants to hire that ass?

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gettin’ ready for summer!

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my vintage wool one piece.

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forward march!

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hey dewds, raymbo here calling from planet tanfastic, how’s your news? yesterday we hit up DLK on Avenue for rich lady skincare treatments. stellar!

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i put a charles manson x on my face. target zone. just kidding it’s not necessary to do this. fun though.

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oh yeah take note of my weird face (great on film, unique, bizarre, grotesque!)

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Gah!! what the fuck is this!!!?? haha just kidding. no seriously though, what is this again? also, i don’t even know the name of the procedure i had done. (just kidding, i had microdermabrasion) k no it wasn’t a procedure it was a treatment. ok whatever i am retarded right now it’s sunday what do you guys want from me?

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this is what i look like with no makeup on and partially a party statue. no well i wasn’t up that late and i didn’t abuse myself nearly as much as i could’ve on a friday night.

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i also had that important audition to not look like a freakshow hag for. i dressed like a sweet girl for it. with this bra/shirt combo. understated saucy.

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i, of course, was a complete mentalcase (the very best) as usual. i was in character you see.

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i was disarming a little. kooky. i can be tamed don’t worry.

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you never really get to see me this way eh. i look like a ninja turtle in that headband. i look rich too. april was like nice necklace so yorkville. DAMN STRAIGHT you know it.

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it’s about leisure and coming up with beauty rituals chasin’ youth forever.

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this would cost a nice penny for you so i am grateful that i am a walking billboard for every single thing i come into contact with everybody wins.

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electroshock therapy. only a matter of time… i wish i kept that headband. where can i get some. i’ll have to go back. maybe i’ll walk around with a terry cloth one like in a constant state of getting ready for a shoot or some such girlish bullshit. playmate bait. (i can live in fantasy world too you know).

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my dead skin is being vacuumed off here. there wasn’t much. she was surprised and pumped for me. i said i never wash my face and fall asleep in my makeup every night. she was shocked. she said my pores were spectacular and normal sized.

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meanwhile april was having the same thing did. she has had this done before. we both wore beige shirts. mom says it’s a cosmetic tone.

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ooh sassy girl. my new little muse.

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so pretty.

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aw.

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awesome. so glitzy.

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ew barf my stomach just rollercoastered.

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good girl.

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aftercare cream cleanser something or other felt sooo good. i giggled my face off because i am affection starved and not used to being touched aw boo. they have a lot of great products serums cleansers oh boy goldmine jackpot and they gave me the sweetest gift bag and to go bottles and pots of potions and lotions. insert squeal to make you gag by a la hillary duff. love it.

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ok ok ok we get it. i have extreme add right now where are the pictures of me? omg look it’s a fuzzy dog!

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these are rather, um, nice. quite intimate. is it hot in here or it just, me? why am i screeching like a going through pubes 15 year old boy?

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there’s our girl. sigh.

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it was my idea to open the shades. corner room oh yeah try and get hooked up with that one total vacay billowy white curtains blowing vibe in there and balcony facade off the windows. luxurious.

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just go with it.

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yuck. my dead skin. not much at all.

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BLACK SWAN!

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i was doing crunches. linda hamilton esq.

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i got her to swab my cutaneous shoulder bullshit. i am doomed. i have burned my back. that’s total pigment loss. sad face. very hard to fix. can a plastic surgeon help me? i want the thing on my other shoulder removed too. can i recoup from the last dermatologist who fucked it all up and made it worse?

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i dunno why i was jealous of april’s dazzlyness look at me i’m my own special brand of POW WHAT THE FUCK! waterfall spectacularoso.

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just anotha day.

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glad i wore a bra. i need more bras and matching lingerie sets. i want todo burlesque again too i’ve been practicing. elyse! lets plan something.

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love these. the comics are on their gift bags HUGE. better than lululemon.

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yup.

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huh hhahah whats up little dude? toot toot tooottle toot toot i am cracking up.

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amazing. what’s the name of my reality show? winner of best title gets to be in it or something whatever. a prize. money. no, gets to have five minutes of uninterrupted eye contact with yours truly.

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i love the cosmetics department at the bay this brings me right back.

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dlk pretty damn cool initials. i can’t control my fingers anymore guys.

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busted at boom with waffles! samples. waffles samples. boy that’s sure fun to say.

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i saved a baby here. one fell (haha “one fell”?) i caught it and everyone around me fell in love with how maternal i am. you gotta anticipate that shit. i picked him up and squeezed him and cooed mom shit in his face. it was pretty gay of me i’ll admit but it was instinctual. i lifted him up and put him in his mom’s arms and said in fake skeletor from the bowels of hell voice into his ear YOU’RE MINE NOW!

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kay. this is an example of brunch bait.

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that’s about all i have to say about that for now.

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i had the nicoise salad sans olives. i recently learned that olives are fattening.

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we were gonna go to that one place on bloor near yorkville but i said it was like a dirty boom so we went to our lover, boom. april said it would feel like cheating so true. loved sitting at the bar.

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i’m a mad scientist.

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i love you muffy!

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heimlich maneuver demonstration. i saved a dude’s life once doing this. i did.

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blahahahahaa ok bye now happy strung out sunday from one skidrat to another.

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i feel really messed up about japan. i don’t know what to say. i can only hope to be aid in the form of distraction for those worrying about loved ones right now, did that come out right? here’s hoping everyone gets to their loved ones and survives that catastrophe and horror they’re presently met with and we should look out for each other, and hope for the best for japan and us all. WOW psa!

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i’d get this for britt. her birthday is before mine. phewf.

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perfect. who makes this stuff? hilarious why not? one day a stoner goes man, i’m just gonna, write about something i really feel strongly about and stamp it smartly into porcelain yeah, just a statement you know. i could do that? i’m doin’ it. yeah. doing it. can’t stop me.

errr yeah.

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see what this store does to me. i ONLY go in it when intending to get a present otherwise man, i’d be penniless. i can’t fight it. they have exquisite things, $300 paperweights, grand sturdy classic pieces, clocks lights. dream boutique. everything’s on sale right now too. SB on queen street google it. the plate i have is of the mommy barba papa i think she has a bun head. not featured here.

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i bought these. i know i know! the ones on the right were the last set. i think mom would like them. i gave the teddy bears to the teacher for his lessons markings. how perverse.

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i think i need to have a daughter.

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modern stylish sleek euro family and these beautiful blond children in a row it was heart melting.

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chubby checkers face that hair does a number. please grow.

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dopey outfit esquire. don’t care i’m so over-abundance of endearing and a bit of don’t give a fuck so, also, my blog post where i said he should pay and i’m old fashioned got my party dime on his. boo-YAH-ka-shu! next time you can meet me at the ritz. haha.

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spring is in the air.

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ready for your second lesson now about online dating?

this is a speed-reader way to gun through a high volume of profiles, by skimming them. when they have words laid out in point form, some underlined, you can sneak in whole sentences there to impress. i have a medium-length list. could be scaled back but cos my about me is succint it balances out. in no particular order of importance here are my interests, all things pertaining to blond punky brewster, remember to cover all your bases. now pay attention please, class is now in session:

(today’s themesong. incredible. 52 seconds in it gets BETTER than how it starts.

fitness – aka no fatties, this means you and me both. just in saying i like fitness it has the same effect dumpiesh girls get from wearing lululemon people instantly associate you with health, kind of mind warps them into thinking you’re five pounds lighter cos they think you actually work out. now, i’m not one for lying so, it’s up to you. i DO hear many stories from men about women showing up chunkier. it’s your funeral, kay?

culture – smart people, typically well-traveled, into the leisure, self-indulgent. speaks volumes. loaded word to include.

blogging – i am ready to throw down. this makes or breaks a man’s chance with me. someone could say i don’t date cops or something absurd. i get in lots of fights on pof cos of this, they start it. i have received the most retarded accusatory psychotic, shit you name it. exhausting. blogging. it’s wha i do. done.

cynicism – this word got me laid. it’s a fancy way of saying i’m a fucking asshole.

sparkly things – princess butter tart muffin face cutie patootie voodoo. guys get to go back in time to the girl they adored in kindergarden i take them down that rabbit hole, myself too. you get to play house forever. i’ll bring the tea cups.

regressing into a six year old – haha see?

hello kitty – i discovered her cartoon when i was young, already itself dated i was very truly young and it felt like a little world was speaking to me i thought it was grotesque to love something so much to develop an interest and intrigue about something, this was when my brain was developing i’m drawing back to that to self-preserve i guess basically.

practicing my smile in the mirror – yuppie bait and hipster instigator. hipsters are hypocrites fyi. so-called hipsters when i disarm them i think haha i got your number dude, when i take them down. i am actually constantly surprised myself. hipsters don’t practice mirror smiling, maybe ironically.

wine – self explanatory

boot camp – jock bait

scary movies – an insight into my cognitive interests, gives them a chance to be creative with me in a message and suggest something wacky, zany, maybe we have a common fondness and if not then they know i like it dark.

the drive in – great date idea. makes me look dreamy. can be thrifty too. romantic.

summer – more dreamy manipulation

walking in forests – now i’m just stroking him softly. try to find a photo of yourself in a forest. also, sporty, active. more jock bait and nature nerds, some granola hipsters too, dudes with dogs, kids whatever.

drives – does he have wheels? this is when you get into the dowry department of what both parties have to offer. i do not have a car but i give good road head. always keep the league’s overall feng shui in check but don’t come off as defensive as i do. so say i like a guy i’ll at some point bring him to the sound academy or one of my restaurants maybe. that pays off for a month to three. especially if it’s a band he likes.

wards island – HIPSTER MELTDOWN EXPLOSION TRAP hahaha toronto island is totally a weapon. i describe what the entire thing would look like and if i get desperate i mention that new beach near the corus building if i have limited time for my date audition and he needs to see me in a bikini well that place will suffice. what am i thinking i live by a beach right here. anyway we’ll see how this summer goes with my new physique.

muses – open for him to trip and fall head over heels for me in to. i need one, honestly, then he will make an attempt to impress you to see him as your muse, insta-a-game-bringin’-trap. then you get to hear all his best first date stories.

wes anderson – don’t forget you’re the catch here and it’s your shit on display so floss it girl, peacock strut. i lawve mah mawfuckah wes anderson and if you wanna get with me then you have to be down with every bit of pop culture i devour rinse and repeat cos i make so many references in my jokes and day to day living. i am a legit product of the televised twenty first century machine. i also got to stare at wes anderson and jason schwartzman after the screening of darjeeling limited at cumberland oh man am i EVER cooler than you! everybody! good luck!

zeppelin – one nerd was like planes or band? i didnt reply. be careful, zep fans are often nerds and like lord of the rings not in the way i do. i get to like it cos im a hot girl and it makes me hotter cos i get to flex my mystical side and penchant for the shire. we can’t all be wizards though ok nerds so be very fucking careful here i’m gandalf’s white horse you will neeeeeever ride if you don’t quit it with the mouth breathing. i should have been a dominatrix right? never too late. i would GLADLY step on someone’s face. side warning: zep fans can also be burn outs who think they’re still going to be rockstars but are actually just alcoholics jamming in basements and garages in the spring. choose wisely who you dance to kashmir with.

drunkaoke – lush bait. two more years if i’m not hooked up normal person styles i’m going deep cover stepford wife persona oh yeah that chapter is closing i have two more years to thirty. oh my god i think i just gave myself a panic attack.

burlesque -dita von tease them. remember your inner-harlot. you are a vibrant female with power. men want one thing only, you do not have to give it up but you can have fun making them chase it down and maybe you actually dig this sly guy right? whatever shit comes to mind when you see the word burlesque that man will be applying it to you. bingo bango bongo. get your tassles ready.

keeping my enemies close – shows strong dominant alluring mischievous personality, not to be fucked with. this is what i meant earlier when i spoke about not saying things like DON’T WANT NO DRAMA or NO PLAYERS (guilty of that) ok just let them know you could be a bulldog and snap if pushed in lieu of showing signs of weakness in the form of have been fucked around with before. do not show your hand prematurely.

kissing tag – i am a make out slut and will make out if provoked.

lord of the rings – wife material

seinfeld – can get on with geezers. quirky sense of humour. seinfeld is dude guilty pleasure soap opera staple.

hockey games – jock bait.

fine dining – now i ain’t sayin’ she’s a gold digger. ok here is how i operate. i’m generous. take me out a few times and i’ll take out out a few times. then i’ll buy you something or i dunno. i always make it worth your while.

class dismissed.

my broski and i.

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hi there welcome to my yesterday afternoon adventures, ready now?

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yesterday’s look was all about warmth and functionality, slop it all together into a stylish little get-up.

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like a rainbow goth chav. passed elisha cuthbert brunette by bellwoods and her and her friends both turned around to look back at me. i have the hair she used to have. i know her walk man. so was her. she was being dragged by a dog. she’s so pretty. we have the same shaped face.

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then i floated over to sb for a birthday gift for tarek. no it’s not a butt plug i never even thought of that in a room full of gays, cattiest most hilariousest people. i blushed actually when one screamed it out. me? i know. i was practicing being demure for three seconds. nailed it. this is actually a bottle opener, the bottom has an inserted bottle opener thing. amazing. classy. porcelain. handsome on a counter. i win. i made him open it first because i am that girl.

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hmm.

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one who was faking it probably and no i didn’t like him.

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hahahahahah and all the pages were kept blank forever.

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i was kind of like an easter surprise.

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i told the owner my dad has a shelf of all the things i buy for him from here and he loooved that story. i said he has the waving solar queen, tin tin car, kitschy tea bags. he’s like, did he use one i was like, oh no, no no no those are show tea bags now. hahahha.

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that’s a blog post for another day.

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has anyone ever said to you before i have to see you.

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my feet just took me here i wanted something delicious and not of the same crap my side of the parkdale tracks, i debated the drake but that’s like revisiting the scene of many crimes. i didn’t have books on me to pretend to be reading i dunno, just felt like strutting for a little and figured i’d eat a caprese salad and carpaccio, no carbs, treat myself and begin my psycho restricting once and for all.

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did i want to neurotically dine alone, sure why not. i figured i could finagle someone easily, a girl, i rifled through my mental rolodex looked at my phone as i sat down and there were several messages. i’ve been on a bit of a tear, but, anyway, his was there first and so i said i’m doing aloner at terroni come join me i look beautiful.

what time? i have to see you.

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now im here now

give me a half hour beautiful

i look like wop fitness royalty

good you can tickle my gina kink

i’m more roma right now or tuscany not sauga skank

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the hive something? i arrive and tell april i’m going to date rape her. i made five friends instantly off that one. dressed like a lesbian lumberjack i said to my colleague watch and learn capitain ahaha.

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i should be getting ready for my audition. well i am in the way of not thinking about it at all lest i FREAK THE FUCK OUT.

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i called april liza minelli fifteen hundred times.

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tarek’s cake said 40ish. oh he is the best so funny sosso YAH wanna lift him up and throw him into a fucking tree makes me insane great guy.

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what i wrote on his card was a bunch of nonsensical blathering. no just kidding.

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fabulous.

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hahahha yes!

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there’s our girl. chick beside me is like i need a man i’m like girl stop hanging with gay guys maybe on church street, hmm i dunno, mystery.

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i like being surrounded by other obnoxious people i was in heaven.

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apparently he dissed my hello kitty then everyone got him hello kitty crap. schooled!

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hi anita! i lost ten dollars when i was talking to her at the bar i think i slipped it into a pocket i thought i had on my shirt. also, i said on twitter the other day to this girl named anita sharma that thanks to her name ineeda shawarma. no laughs. zero retweets. you guys just don’t know humour not even if you fell down the knock knock joke tree hitting every branch in the face on the way down. i told april i was going to call this place and ask if they found my ten dollars. she laughed for a solid minute.

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this took a gazillion years to get him to get the concept of what we wanted him to do. i go, is that lady gaga. everyone hissed. then my protege butch across the room said IS THAT LADY GAGA! a second later when she came into the room seeing tarek holding both books. ahahahhaha i snort cackled. then 4 hipster gays came in a choo choo train formation, no one listening or talking to me at this point (at ALL points of the night) except one, sitting in a leather tiny chair way tucked in to the table, i was sitting raised above on a bar stool so from that vantage point he appeared to be just a little laughing at my joke torso cos i go uh did anyone hear that super embarrassing baby voice choo choo train thing i said he’s nodding laughing in-tandem yes i heard it. well good it’s true they DO look like a train and you are the caboose.

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i am a child. regression. pink barba papa needed it. this is a representation of what is going on in my brain at mach ten speed 24/7.

wish me luck assholes!