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So Raymi and I were having a few cocktails…when it came up that she was going to be out of town and couldn’t make it to a gourmet food thingy at the brickworks. Brickworks Picnic! “…a virtual tour of the culinary regions of Southern Ontario.”

So here I am guest blogging. And guest gorging. I went to Brickworks and ate a whole bunch of food and drank wine and beer…for free. You are welcome Raymi.

Who le fuck am I? I’ve been on this weird blog before. I am Eyeborg.

Raymi lives around the corner from here in Parkdale and she is a pal. I like this blog and I’m not sure why. I think its because Raymi has an honest inner dialogue going…or something. And she looks hawt.

Raymi talks and thinks about food a lot. I don’t think I approach it in quite the same way because I am a dude. Yes, dudes have body image issues and try not to pig out every day but I’m thinking I don’t have the same guilt. On the other hands guys have other worries. Am I the right blend of macho/sensitive? Is my career impressive? Should I manscape? These kinds of concerns. But in general little Raymis, I do think its more nervewracking to be a woman. So carry on! However can I please point out that you shouldn’t try to be as thin as gay art directors want you to be? As they say in Ireland, its good to have a little bit of arse.

PS I hate fucking flickr – never used it before.

I brought along Jason Osler who is a CBC morning show radio guy. Osler’s Website
The media coordinator called us Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee. Said we look the same-ish. Tall white dudes with media jobs.

He is single ladies. With a steady job. Not sure if he manscapes.

You’ll notice though that my shirt is less ironed. That’s because I am a freelance film and video guy and he works for a government corporation.

Here are some food shots because that seems to be what you food porn bitches want on here.

Me chatting up cute Squash soup chef.

Ate this felt zero guilt about it – didn’t think about my body image once. Sorry.

I asked this guy if he was from Toronto. He says “Look at my shirt, my dog ripped it. I don’t care. What do you think?”

Jason and I figured everybody at this thing listens to CBC. Its one of those affairs.

Talked to this girl for about 45 seconds before her boyfriend rushed in to see what was up. That’s what happens when you are tall dark type with an eyepatch. He’s smiling in that way that says -“Were you hitting on my girlfriend?”

This guy is getting paid 100 bucks to test smoke a new brand of Du Maurier. THey aren’t even on the market yet. These are the fascinating conversations you miss when you don’t smoke.

Ate this – didn’t care. Wasn’t guilty. Burp.

How do you say this?

Munch.

Chomp.

Gulp.

Stuff.

Cowbell guy. I guess that’s why he has a cowboy hat. Because of the cow thing. He’s a chef cowboy. Probably drinks a lot of wine because chef’s are bon-vivants.

Overheard these douchers saying ARRRR when I walked by. You wouldn’t believe how many times I hear that a day.

More eating. Don’t give a fuck.

This is me recreating 9/11 with cheese at cheese boutique booth. I am holding the little cheese plane that crashes into the cheese tower. Tasteless? Wrong…very tasty cheese. I love cheese.

Look at how seriously this woman is looking at piles of cheese.

Ate it. Was great.

Delicious.

Me and Osler gettin drunk.

These guys are really important chefs. I don’t think they liked it when I asked them if most chefs
drink a lot.

These important chefs didn’t seem to mind the question.

This is how I feel about eating and drinking a lot.

THey listen to CBC. All of them.

Those chocolates you saw before? They put Shitake mushrooms in them. It works somehow.

Carbs.

Well that was easy. And pleasant. Except for wrestling with Flickr.

Bye little Raymis! Think I will do this again soon. Uh, Raymi is always talking about haters. Is there a bunch of people who hate me now?

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don’t make me get aristocratic on your ass.

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ready for more cowbell? sorry couldn’t help it. sorry i’m small town squirly right now gAAAAAAAAAAH! part 1 if you missed it.

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i went to the bathroom to get my pose on in the full length and got a good look at my tan/tan lines. holy moly.

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i’ll keep this post pro though. food. food only. sex later. though they both do certainly go together quite nicely. maybe i’ll do a gauche actual food porn shoot. hmmm (cogs turning)…

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checking bloat level from meat hoovering. shoulda taken post piss.

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very nice facilities.

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charcuterie magic.

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someone is ripping me off.

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after i ate, mark came over to escort me ’round the back and downstairs through the prep kitchen.

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this is the upstairs one.

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this is perfect sunday date spot. sigh. i’m up north in beautiful fall country land. picture me in a cable knit sweater drinking 80 dollar cognac (i am) it’s dusk and we should be eating this together by a fire.

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1994 guy. signif year. rip cobain year. i nosed this. potent.

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pioneer wood.

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i ate the pepper from my charcuterie board and then i saw through time. i am not a pussy when it comes to heat anymore. probably because the fear part of my brain is now damaged steve irwin style. HI! THIS IS THE WORLD’S MOST POISONOUS SNAKE WATCH ME HUG IT!

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don’t think i won’t.

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bowling.

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morgue time. what’s the name for slaughterhouse? cow slaughterhouse? or that other word for cow? guys, what is, stuff? sorry i’m on retard time right now. update: bovine!

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check the bandsaw over mark’s shoulder. this ain’t your grade nine shop class.

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do you like my disapproving mother-in-law stance?

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i don’t know why i did that. i felt like i was going to smell rosemary. those are hamburger buns.

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photographer here get me doing this. it’s compelling.

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kind of super delicious looking eh.

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a lesson in fermentation. i guessed it before he even told me. i am smart. no i mean i guessed what was going on here not what it was he was fermenting. though i did make a scrooge coal joke that went nowhere and got no laughs. more out loud to myself.

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can you guess what it is? can you tell how much effort i put into that slob hairdo?

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walnut. how cool is it that they do this? well i guess we’re all master chef scientists at adventurehouse too then as we have a lot of fermentation going on in our fridge and the counter too. tmi.

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did that leave anything behind? nope. and we’re good. awesome tanfantastic palms though. and yes i did ask mark if that was his biggest fan. deadpan people make me assault them with wisecracks it’s a trigger my mental compulsive illness cannot deflect easily.

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to become headcheese. um. cool! well yeh fully but i don’t know what i am looking at here. i can handle it but i think i’ll leave this to the experts. then my foot bumps into something as i move further into the walk-in fridge…

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oh, no big deal. just a box full of bags of ????? (everything was hygienically beyond clean by the way and these were in vacuum-sealed plastic) my friend ward’s dad manages/runs the funeral parlour in streetsville. he was my best friend in highschool, we went there often in the winter so ward could obsessively wash his car in the heated garage. i’d sit in the car and call dudes on ward’s phone while staring at garbage bags neatly lining the walls in there, two-deep. can only imagine what was in those bags. (!!!!!!)

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mark, stop copying me.

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i wasn’t uncomfortable in there at all. working at central, i’m used to weird greasy looking stuff that the kitchen staff has set up on trays. nothing more disgusting than sinking your hand into a fermented into dust lemon (which can’t be avoided in any bar/restaurant cos you get them by the case and there’s always one or two hidden gems) omg it is so sickening in the most fascinating of ways.

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prop concept photo shoot.

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wonder how the next resto is going to top this one. hahhaa.

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shit pic but that’s the smoker, which i also figured out all on my own. saw the hickory pucks.

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what do you think i’m saying here? i know i was trying really hard to come off as knowledgeable about food and cooking and animal slaughtering honouring ethics.

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some guy is in love with me right now over facebook about how i dress. he must have a thing for jewish spinster aunties with cute little bellies and lots of opinions.

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mark is really smart, precise and nice. i could tell when it was my turn to talk even though he was likely thinking i was an idiot because i’m not an expert in his field and my terminology was like trailer park boys ricky trying to be profound, it wasn’t just him doing the talking. some people you can tell are complete morons but they try and school you at your own game. they know a little about everything while a lot of nothing mostly and it’s like please stop talking. now.

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looks like i am receiving sage samurai wisdom. THAT’S BECAUSE I WAS. holy crap am i a vision or what.

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no idea. tried hard to make a joke. failed. whaddya mean there’s no santa?

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“hmmm… wonder how tanned i look under this dick tracy light.”

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“oh my god who cares. people like me for my personality.”

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ooh i look dubious. can’t bullshit a bullshitter. (name that movie and i’ll give you guest list plus 1 to my ten year blog anniversary party at wrong bar THIS NOVEMBER 11).

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wow. a saw, specified for meat. sick. the cool kind of sick. maybe the other sick too. two birds indeed.

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only mark and another guy are allowed to use it. looks like the other guy is only allowed to use it now haha. oh man, shop class memories. cos two kids in my class almost took fingers off we had to re-watch the safety video again midway through the semester. idiots.

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was saying hand wounds as a chef or anyone who uses their hands for work are especially awful. limiting. a pint glass exploded in my hand at central and severed my thumb once. gory.

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geee i wonder what this is used for? ooh what a burning mystery hmm. marshmallows? moon pies? rainbows?

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showin’ off my hardware knowledge talkin’ saw teeth per inch and blades. thank you for humouring/indulging that.

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couldn’t resist so i opened this baby up.

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this is what me asking a dumbed-down question looks like. reporters are notorious for this shit. everyone falls for it, they can’t help it. completely unavoidable. it’s like an in your face troll comment wherein their facts are so terribly backward and incorrect you can’t help but jump in and right everything. the journalist comes away satisfied. this is why artists hate journalists.

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prob shouldn’t post this but meh. i go what’s that? no answer as it is obvious. i say, well, it’s not paint. guess you had to be there.

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oh have a heart.

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no really. mmm imagine chewing that bloody tough vein. divine!

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my turn my turn.

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i am a serious professional guys.

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mmmmmmmmmm. i’m imagining gravy roast beef smothered in mayo on these things.

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just so cozy and inviting i couldn’t choose between the five pictures i took. this concludes my tour of cowbell eating it from the inside then going down to the battlefield and confronting my animal sacrifices-to-be. happy to know my dinner was happy before my pretentious gluttony ass consumed it.

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my punky brewster morning here. where i am presently. then i watched a houseboat be moved by a guy in a huge tractor. small town remote rural idyllic life surrounded by mountains.

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i had never been to union before. they only had three things available to order from the menu at the time. those are them.

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stevie nicks memorial outfit.

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me last nite.

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my room. there is no internet here. but there is internet at another house i’m spending time at. i prefer this space to work in so i’m going to try and get one of those rocket usb things tomorrow. nothing is open at normal times here. i shouldn’t even be thinking about blogging or internet as i’m here to write my book. ughhhhhh. tomorrow that begins. I STILL REQUIRE INTERNET.

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my little lunch time espresso after family lunch.

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work station. more pastels. i have no idea who joanne is.

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the rumour mill of this small town is ridiculous. my arrival, within 24 hours, the reaction of is amusing. they knew we had a reservation at a restaurant before we even went there. multiply the double takes i get in burlington by 5 and you have where i am now. it is hard to not be conscious of it. i don’t mind it.

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had a nice date before i left. actually, a second date.

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see how this venison brings out the beautiful blue in my eyes? Follow along now…

your dreamy dinner guest has arrived.

needs more… i want to punch people who say needs more cowbell. why? was that funny the second time you heard it? no. it wasn’t.

i’ve wanted to eat this restaurant ever since i moved to the hood. shall we then…

straight off the bat cozy and inviting. i was sick too with little appetite but became hungrier and hungrier the more i sat and stared at the (daily rotating menu) chalkboard.

i was planning to wear my favourite sweater here, the grey one with deer on it and a sash but i couldn’t find it. sigh. luckily they’re so common i can just buy another better one but still, i knew it would have photographed darlingly with these upholstered benches.

i’ve so many photos of the menu i can barely read them right now (am sickly) some you can’t make everything out in. overkill it is the way i do it.

def special occasion level atmosphere. or foodie.

developing an appetite.

these little shoes i’ve bought and never worn, just no big deal shoes, with a slight wedged heel. heel flats? they have received many compliments. strange.

i envisage a nice drunken after hours bowling night right here.

love me a high bar.

and this i could rave about in a long romantic poetic dream that leads nowhere.

totally.

you spy on everyone else for awhile then you get over it. i am a really good professional eater now. i remember i went on a date (not really) with a guy to czehoski’s and he was kinda punk, not his scene at all. he could not get over the elitism at all, i was like, what’s the big deal? we have every right to be here too get over it guy. pissed me off. i work hard for my money like these fucking showboats so i will dine with them and i will look like a freak and sit with my punk date and they will suffer, i will not be made to feel beneath them. never ever. anyway that guy made us leave after one drink. my eating out mentality has vastly changed over the last year. i have no fear or intimidation of expensive haunts while others are like i dunno lets go to the cheaper place. you know it is possible to have a good affordable time in a high-end resto just don’t order a main. get a couple apps, have a few drinks. done. get over it scrooge you’re here for a good time not a long time.

too soon? well it’s going to be october this weekend so i guess not. sad face.

oh my god i’m so tanned wait’ll you see me in flash and my tan lines are ridiculous. AND i’m svelte who knew the secret to skinnier was being lazier. i leaned out, the no more exercise has curbed my hunger and released excess weight and guess what, beneath all that extra chunk is a toned body from working out 5 days a week all summer long and i’m only going to get more lanky now. WIIIIIIIN.

wino(forever)na ryder list. more places need to do malbec by the glass. if i’m sitting with a non-drinker i can’t order a bottle, so therefore no malbec for me. i’ve gotten so many people on to malbec they should send me a case.

fear not thy carb. starved self all day for this.

charles dickens lantern.

i found this funny.

the glasses came off and on. i can’t see at nite. i also felt i probably looked tired from being sick. how am i still sick from saturday this sucks.

chocolate venison was my favourite.

Chocolate venison, Morts Della, Saucisson sec, Long cured compressed extruded water-something haha these notes are the best. i love the beautiful pretention of meat names, Curried copa, Duck terrine. there.

meat tour. to tell you everything was amazing would insult your intelligence as obviously it was. i have high standards when it comes to cuisine and i am also trusting and know i’m going to be pleased. cowbell are an ethical lot. they use the entire cow. the entire anything. everything. i have no idea how to do it but i know they do so stick it on a plate with a pickled beet and some mustard and i will eat it and blog it and brag it.

two thumbs. way up. can you sense the genuine?

oh my god my tan. for once my face is more tanned than my makeup. learning curve. you can see my new nailpolish on my middle fingers, the only two i could dig the gel manicure off of. it’s too orange for me, too pumpkin. some idiot is no doubt going to ask me if it is intentional (fall) and i will throw my bottle of “peach” sorbet into the sun.

hey pig, meet face. no seriously.

crispy testina, lentils, pickled chard stems. aka PIG FACE LORD OF THE FLIIIES.

so it came (i look like shit here) i took a bite and totally forgot what it was i was eating. i asked our server what a second good appetizer would be he said the testina or something else, i say what’s testina he says pig face i say i’ll have that. the weirder the better is my MO these days and so thanks to my fruit fly attention span it comes i take a bite chew chew oh what is this again? the photo is my realization of what i am eating. sometimes you’re so smart you’re stupid, folks.

alright lemme give this another go here…

don’t think just eat. verdict: delicious. they are flavour magicians over there. what is this cat litter? brilliant! i trust whatever it is they make.

loved the beet/pepper carnage.

gettin’ through it. i love lentils. how inspired. i would never think (or know what) to combine. a chef truly is an artist.

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speaking of art look it’s my nuit blanche submission.

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I’M APPLYING FOR A GRANT NOW. hahaha ahhhhhh. artists.

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the lamb. i was jealous of that blob of meat and whatever came with it. the key to eating as much as you can while dining is talk all you want but when the food comes let the other guy have a turn while you eat from his plate and nod like crazy at everything he says like it’s really interesting then between courses it’s your turn to talk then the dessert comes make a non-sequitor and just let them have the floor while you inhale chocolate mousse.

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i had the pan seared pickerel. i caught one once in bobcaygeon. this story is legendary. i was the only girl in the boat and the only one to catch anything worth keeping that weekend. i killed, cleaned, gutted it all by myself and even had its beating pulsing little heart on the tip of my tom boyish finger. i let my uncle keep it. he gave it to his father-in-law and said that HE caught it. my mom busted him at her 40th birthday party in the kitchen in front of everyone and made him confess to my aunt that the fish her dad ate was actually my fish. i was out smoking hash with the other teenagers at the time so i missed this confrontation unfortunately. i’ve never even talked about it to my uncle.

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looks like snake.

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so tasty, light, healthy, and substantial. if a chef presents me a taste menu of their signature creations i just go to town on that but if i order my own stuff i’ll typically go with fish for my main to go lighter and to feel less guilt from the appetizers and the dessert, the wine. THE LIFE.

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uhhhh-mAyzing.

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i look like a prick.

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so tanned.

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see the cheese boutique message down there. ok this is the last time i post a photo of this board.

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greedy continues. guess what i chose.

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i want to hug me i look so warm and inviting.

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i am wearing the wrong outfit for that hair and tan. too dowdy, very sick though. i should be wearing a katy perry outfit perched on a cupcake.

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nice bar. handsome.

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sometimes you are so angry at your illness you just have to get cocked to deal. sparkling reisling, have you ever tried it? i hadn’t.

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it is superb.

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hypnotizing.

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wow i just coulda looked at this photo to get my meat notes taken care of.

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MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

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MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

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how many dying alone feelings eating non-funny jokes am i going to make?

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it was so damn good. so good it broke my heart not to eat it all. desserts, i’ve been pounding a few as of late, they are always delicious and good and i hate that i like them so much now. a few years ago i’d turn my nose at them without care.

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and now i look like my nana. great. i am purposely unnecessarily holding a drink in these photos to maximize the obnoxious.

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and i have a weird mustache tan. mustache is such a disgusting word. it is unpleasantly spelled. muuuuuh. the muh sound is what repulses me and then seeing the u, it makes me imagine the smell of cigarette smoke. i prefer to spell mustache, moustache so it reads and sounds like moussaka. guys i have a lot of needs.

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the chef arrives.

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i am an idiot when it comes to cuts of meat. the flank must totally be where the ear is.

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i know i am actually listening here because my mouth is tight.

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holy shit i must be reaaally listening now i’m doin’ a leaner. (i made up leaner last nite. i was gunned and leaned on a fence to steady myself from a sway and steph was like whatcha doin’? me: leaner. it’s when you’re ploughed in a bar and you need something to steady you to not look polluted like a bar chair or a ledge. get yerself a leaner there budday!) i look really sick (dirtbag) here IMO.

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i used a striped towel to dry my hands. PRIVILEGED INFORMATION.

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appropriate. wonder if mark made this himself. sort of not kidding/half kidding/serious.

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took some pictures of my tan lines in the mirror. savin’ em for another post.

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part two later on when we go downstairs and see the morgue.

MOO!

ps. did you get my post title band reference?

hey buddies

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giving yourself two days in the city to get everything done before you piss off again is kind of the stupidest thing ever. also try doing that sick and hostessing your out of towner buddy. guess what happens you have a shot and a bit of weed and then nothing seems important anymore but then you have to get it all done anyway on the third day before you leave the city again, overwhelmed to the max feeling the deadline stress and mighty hung. that day would be today.

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shannon was on the scene yesterday. definitely one of my new personal heroes that woman. not just because she gives me vip treatment, that’s awesome, but cos she’s so fiercely independent and successful and smart as shit. real. a real person. that’s her little black vest. vests are so nice they make you look like you made so much more effort. they’re like necklaces for arms.

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i have all these great new products from redd now too by unite they’re exclusive and 100% green and perfect for platinum hair. i’ll make a raymi demo video using all the stuff. shannon said in my photos when i feel awkward you can tell and that i look way better when i just own it and vamp. it’s hot. confidence is hot. hotter. deal done did doing that from now on always.

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these will have to wait for another day when i feel like going straight cos they’re synthetic and you can’t curl so we put purple extensions in this time, real hair ones. i have an entire drawer of hair extensions now. i just bought a curling iron from shoppers. the exact one i bought before that is likely somewhere in this house in my jumble of still haven’t unpacked yet stuff.

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monroe’s tooth diamond she’s had for three years. she went to some convention and they had a booth called the tooth fairy. they clean your tooth and glue it on. ghetto fabulous.

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i haven’t worked out since, thursday? maybe i should do some sit ups. meh we’ll see if i have any time. i am going to burlington later, family niiiite! then a memorial service for my grandfolks tomorrow early. then i go away to my writing retreat. i am feeling a little stressed right now to be honest and still totally sick i just can’t kick this thing and i’m doing absolutely nothing right to make it go away. i have to pack for like a week and i have to blog. yes. i have to blog. it’s hard to get in the headspace for blogging when you have to do it. i want to do it. it’s weird giving yourself deadlines. also no one really takes it seriously they think you can just do it whenever you want it’s not very important. like, if i don’t do it now then it will never get done. i’m also going through email (business) and planning future posts, trying to organize a schedule for rob to blog here while i’m gone. my brain is constantly going which is why i sound like mania when i speak. i guess i am a neurotic perfectionist about blogging and that’s why i’ve been able to do it for ten years. is this even perfect? fuck no. not the point.

wanna see how retardedly tanned i am now?

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for once in my life my face is darker than my makeup. don’t make fun of me. in my next foodie post you’ll see how ridiculous my face is, the tan poking through my makeup i put on in an attempt to tone it down.

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my boyfriend is sleeping with clean laundry. my room got hit by a tornado again.

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it’s nice to be the most tanned ever now that summer is over. makes total sense.

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see my stupid cowlick. my salon is mad at me it makes their job a lot harder.

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nice blemishes. i don’t even care about unflattering pictures of myself anymore i just took a tour through my archives, some of my baddies of today are way better than what i thought were goodies of yesterday. i am open mouth breathing here, nose completely clogged.

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this one’s a winner. i look like i actually care about you.

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what colour would you say my eyes are? woah check my tinted eyebrows. this is growing out from last time. when i put the purple toner conditioner on them i can make them brassier/lighter and they blend into my face more. i don’t like them too light. too dark though and i look like groucho marx thanks to the platinum.

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i look like a dude stoner. this is the face dykes dig. i’m sorry but i know it. who was i talking to about my “game”? must have been rob. i was talking about how i sit in a room, at a bar, wherever, and i know i’m being watched or checked out by another table. say we’re all gonna be there awhile. things can get entertaining, well, they will be as i surround myself with colourful people, we make a scene, whatever. fuck should i tell my game secrets here? maybe another day in a dedicated post to the pursuit of pussy.