THE FUTURE IS NOW
PRE-PURCHASE PARTY TICKETS FOR MY TEN YEAR ANNIVERSARY AT WRONG BAR NOVEMBER 11. the frandiscos are dj’ing now. media rsvp: email@example.com otherwise pay at door. gift bags of the century. delicious food. delicious booze (free rum to go home with) ok i’ll shut up until i make an official posting. making flyers to go all over toronto too. i’m using casie’s paypal til mine goes live in the next day or so which is why it’ll say her name when you buy ok. i’ve had some determined early birds here.
this outfit is growing on me. my mom said i could totally wear it again. yeah, i know, you would say something like that. no idea how much the boots were i bought them out of desperation. i was in the store and the mall was closing i wanted to get high heels from zellers cos i didn’t bring anything out here with me but ran out of time so i bought my shirt and accessories and shoes all in one spot. mom was like how much were they? i dunno. YOU DON’T KNOW?! she went all manchester on me. cheap. she went nana. penny pinchers have heart attacks when they see other people spend money like it grows on trees. i don’t know how i feel about this high boot trend. these things were cheap (60?) i’d rather spend $400 on a great pair. ones with laces and leather buckles more details though the simplicity of these is pleasing, sleek, feminine, understated.
when we got back from the mall i put all my shit on and said look dad, I’M MOM! he went OH. MY. GAAAAAAWD. hahahahhahaa.
and then when she showed up and saw my gear she eyed it jealously. total tracey outfit. a success.
then my dad sees my mom and is all uhhhh.
and she drank all my champagne. WHAT WOULD COUGAR DO THAT’S WHAT.
i want those boots she demands. no fuck off buy your own. she always does this it’s so like, bartering in an open market styles what the hell why do you do that are you part retarded? “i’ll give you some money for them.” why would i want “some money” for something i just PAID full price for? mom you are a cheapskate please do not die one it is getting on my nervous system.
it’s kind of a piss off to go from one awesome camera to a piece of shit. so we went to this place called boston manor, it is a hole. tickets were fifteen dollars! i paid my uncle twenty because i am classy. my mom paid him nothing. her philosopohy is such that “i have done so fucking much for that asshole i don’t owe him shit” i shoulda called this post FAMILY SECRETS. nothing else is going on in burlington so you gotta make do.
everyone grabbed me around the middle all nite long. it gave me a complex. i think it’s something about the leopard print it subconsciously makes one want to cuddle cos it brings to mind fuzzy wuzzy connotations like ewoks i would hug the ever loving shit out of one of those things BRING IT.
i also have a big one for sailors. young ones but you know, old ain’t bad too. speaking of i was guaranteed the youngest puma on the scene. no competition in sight. at one point my mom said we are being stared at from every direction. i looked up and it was true, mean cat eye daggers from some women, appreciative head nods from others and every moustache leather cheesy time capsuled guy from 1990 eyeballing us. everyone in burlington is like an episode of to serve and protect, straight up time capsule haircuts and outfits.
blurry city. mom’s pics are better don’t worry you’ll get an eyeful soon. mom look i’m you beatin’ ya at yer game. actually i will give her daps here as she can sure pick up if she wants but she’s alpha material and wasn’t into any man there. we are going to the keg after my party on a thursday nite fyi see you soon.
don’t fight it girls it’s gonna happen to you too.
pose of the night.
uncle mike. he is donating a prize for my party. check out his website it is like a geocities retarded clusterfuck nightmare hahahah but anyway you and your stupid guy friends can take his sweet boat out for a day of fishing he’ll captain you all around to the right spots and i’ll suntan on the front of the boat (if i’m available). he said normally that goes for $700 i said i’d throw myself in (he wants model pictures for his business) i said then that price would be $1000. he made a face, go, what i have a rate! flipped my hair like a snot and walked off with his mouth agape.
kerouac insanity. you should see what christmas is like.
that’s my mom’s bud barb, another bee in the mean girl hive. seriously these bitches need their own midlifer’s show.
the guy friends in this pack cock blocked us all night long too. mom says they always do. men can you stop doing that it is really irritating and we are too polite to tell you to get lost. i was close to it at one point.
i asked why she was looking at me in this one, she goes “because it is different.” my mom thinks she is that photographer chick nicole kidman played in that movie but anyway, i am an inch taller. that’s another point for me mom.
and that’s a point for you mom. damn girl. i can see why some of your friends are such bitches to you now (and me). my mom is definitely queen bee and they will likely disown her after this post whatever it’s MY observations here. i love some of them while others can go get &%%* for all i care. in life i am nice to everyone but then they always diss me and then it’s like nice knowing ya here’s your send off.
i danced really slutty and full throttle theatrical 60’s swinger to piss everyone off. binsk was there and i said dude are you looking around at any one i should be looking back at (it’s hard to see through all my hair when i’m dancing) so i go yeah do a rotation of the room while i do my peacock strut and draw us more attention.
i yanked this out of a scotsman’s braveheart get-up. burlington may be less elite however the people are so much nicer, friendlier, chatty and down to earth. you basically get away with murder with the kind of personality i have.
everyone is 50+ years old too hehehh. it’s pretty dysfunctional but awesome to know you can keep partying forever.
binsky. so cute. a legitimate cougar. i am learning things from this woman.
extremely uncomfortable outfit by now. having a shirt buttoned up to your neck and dancing is so sweaty and then the shirt at your waist cinched and hips ballooning out in total coug fashion why do they do that? to accentuate the hourglass yeah i get it but it’s so curvy i hate curvy i want to be a rake so gay fashion dudes who have no interest in me sexually can approve of me. oh life. thanks for everything.
my mom prayed that i wouldn’t have big tits. her prayers were answered. what a selfish woman and like, hello!
that’s fine. you have tits, i have youth.
what is this gallery opening party vision?
mom you’re wasted.
gong show. she lost the bow off one of her shoes and kept pouting about it meanwhile it was on the kitchen floor here all nite long. every time she whined i said mom that’s what we call a party casualty, suck it up shit show that’s what you get. we had men scouring the dance floor for it. let men be men, put them to task it’s what they want after all. one nerdy guy at the end of the nite was like i can drive you home and showed us a cup of water proudly as proof he was designated driver. he has a cessna and is going to fly us around even. ahh men. sometimes, it is so not your world so shut your mouth james brown.
sailor can i take my picture with you? duh sure of course. thanks. off i went. i was a bit of a cunt last nite. flirty cunt. what i was in character as my mom hahaha.
holy shit mom.
someone else’s party casualty now belongs to me.
that cougar necklace i bought is too heavy to wear. i prefer dainty light wispy whimsical stuff guess who else does? tracey.
i lost the tail early on in the night, too annoying to deal with. i am giggling cos she wanted a picture with us staring into each other’s eyes and i lasted 2 seconds before i busted up laughing. i cannot handle eye contact it is too intimate and wickedly gay when you do it with your mom oh god it was like an i love my mom t-shirt from 1990 get me out of here too much love barf. the only way we can deal with our moms is by reverting to teenager mode.
i hammed it up big time all nite long. the more dirty looks i got the further i took it. you are creating this monster ladies you need to learn a lesson you would get eaten alive in toronto.
when boomers give’r.
i sent a pic to a friend and said guess my costume. he goes, courtney love. um no, that’s tonite’s costume. but anyway thanks asshole we are never blasting ever again. oh my god that old man could not commit to his costume he’s wearing tevas.
i am blasted by this point i think. i kept going out to haul on a doober and talk to mid life crisis guys and regular joes and everyone got awkwardly silent when i burst through the doors in my head i’m like i can handle this it’s tme for mr. personality HEY WHO’S GOTTA LIGHT WHICH ONEA YOU’S SMOKIN’ A DART AND I NEED WIND COVERAGE OPEN THAT BOMBER JACKET OF YOURS hahaha true story then i let ‘em smoke the roach.
this is what makes me smarter than everybody else in the universe. i can adapt to any situation with ease and effortlessly make the most/best of anything. only idiots have a bad time.
so at one point of the night when we hit the party wall we have a time out at the bar, mom goes to the bathroom and im sitting by the megatouch game totally ignoring the world (my phone was acting up).
um, nice picture mom, why? anyway this guy over my shoulder is all where is your mom pawing at me and i’m like oh in the bathroom totally disinterested and then he gets caught talking to a woman then she leaves and he’s like where is your mom? i’m all i dunno guy the bathroom he’s all go get her. i’m like dude, YOU go get her. he’s all i don’t believe you where is she? holy lay off obsesslor like i get it you are sweatin’ my moms and all but it’s not my problem. boomers think people my age are children still it is super irritating.
i am clutching a twenty in my hand by the screen looking down into my lap like so in my own world i couldn’t be emanating more fuck you vibes if i tried. so i look up and go after the 40th time of him asking where my mom is AND TELLING HIM SHE WAS IN THE FUCKING BATHROOM i say she’s in the bathroom and then meeting me at the bar here. i’m also wasted and tired and hungry.
the cock blocking man friends are almost more demanding than the women. who hate my mom but like demand and need and crave her i get it she’s their girl but like, relax maybe?
when we showed up i proclaimed that i was my mother to one of them. barely a reaction, maybe a cluck. like an oh great now there’s two of her. pretty much the vibe.
that’s a good shot mom.
she was wasted.
WHITE PEOPLE PARTYING.
this is your future, friends. radical. this guy said he didn’t like how i talked to my mom, behind my back. i had had enough of his shit. he’s like oh toronto, i won’t hold it against you that you’re from there i say, and i won’t hold it against you that you’re from burlington and i heard you don’t like how i talk to my mom stay out of my business meanwhile my mom is insulting the shit out of him and breaking his balls and he’s getting mad yet is pretending to be all chivalrous about how i lip off the woman because she drives me insane. she even told him off about how i tell her off hahaha “he doesn’t know how we are” aw cute i love you mom.
this guy came out while binsk and i were out smoking and his head was gushing sweat. it looked crazy. i said woah i thought i had left parkdale when i see him walking toward us in what i mistook to be rags.
posh you look amazing. i want that outfit.
THE FUTURE IS NOW. mom you can almost see what you would look like with a tattoo.
another incident, a woman sitting beside me as my mom is blubbering about how successful i am and bragging about me being the most famous blogger in canada to one of the guys in the pack, he gets a bit competitive about it (oh really? in that dubious you are retarded condescending big shot voice) so i snottily look over my shoulder and say I. AM. FAMOUS. because he said “blogging?” in a really rude way meanwhile sour face woman sitting beside me NOT in costume or in good party spirits is watching this entire spectacle, i am aware of this and that’s why i went diva, especially for her because i knew she was dyiiiing to make a comment and so predictably she gets up huffily grasping a cup of water in each hand and loudly pointedly at me says WHO CARES into the guy’s ear. all my mom is doing is trying to tell her friends proudly about her daughter’s achievements, it’s more so an honour to me like how your own parent would share an anecdote about good news in your life to an old friend. your kids achievements are yours too as you made that kid holy shit, but anyway i ignore that woman and tell my mom what happened. she said the woman is part of the crew but always controlling and mean. oh really. that is not cool by me.
and so, as revenge is a dish best served cold i waited til later to deliver it i let that plate get nice and frosty before i spied little miss gruff face hugging her mustachioed man of the evening. my mom at this point is holding court by the bar and our shit, the band is ending, i say mom gotta go cock block that woman mom says GO.
no one fucks with the kerouacs and gets away with it. so i go over to the hug of the century and plant myself RIGHT BESIDE IT pretending to watch the finale of the band’s encore it was perfect. she was facing me and i was passive aggressively pretending i didn’t notice they were even there. you bet your ass i ruined that moment. she squeezed him even tighter pretending it was a really great impacting hug but really it was totally because if he turned around he’d get any eyeful of this and her all night long flirtation with him would go up in flames. oh, that’s right. it was a forced super duper long hug thanks to me and i felt its desperation emanating like radiation poisoning and didn’t look at it once. an academy award worthy performance of mine no doubt. next time be nicer to me lady, and maybe everybody else in life too.
on my way to the bathroom a guy went rawr at me so i swiped at the air in a cougar motion and made like 30 guys die laughing. melodie you would have loved last nite.
my mom insulted one of the dudes accidentally (work on your filter woman you need a mouth makeover) and he rightly was insulted but then came back double-fold insultingly on her, patronizing, said oh you’re drunk to my mom like ten times. i said yeah ok buddy that’s enough we get it stop saying my mom is drunk in my i mean business tone of voice (remember that one rob? haha). if you’re going to be our groupies for the night then you are signing yourself up for everything that comes along with that, including insults. you constructed a force field around us barring all other men and that’s fine you got to be seen with us, just watch your mouth next time, love queen sheebah.