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bastardo grasso

i just learned that grosso means fat and that’s the name of that pasta i got from CB on the weekend. no chance in hell i’m eating it now. thanks babelfish! oh wait i have dyslexia, it says grasso up there not grosso (pasta’s actual name). sorry for the wig out.

how mysterious is that photo of me i look as though i’m in fur on the set of the devil’s advocate and it looks like i’m smiling i don’t smile when i sleep i frown because i have intense dreams. no i’m kidding that wasn’t even funny. f. f for failure. oh i thought of this in the shower yesterday when i got back from the gym after a nip of malbec. if malbec ever decides to change its name it should be world peace.

last nite i had a chat about my ten year blog anniversary party with melucas which will be mid/late november at wrong bar. venue is locked down. check. i want to hire a comedian to mc the night and i know exactly who. i’m going to start talking to advertisers, sponsors (booze) and companies (products) so i can have crazy retarded epic gift bags as i know bribing you assholes is the only fuckin way you’re gonna come. i’m going to make a compilation of all the songs ever written about me and play them at certain points (if you want to actually perform your song then you are invited to do so). i welcome all artists to do some sort of performance art at any point throughout the evening. also there will be a mic placed somewhere so if you have the balls you may approach it and address the crowd with a LIVE HATER COMMENT which i bet will not fucking happen either because no one will have the courage aside from the crazies who show up. you may also say a live nice comment too, talk about how long you’ve read my blog, compliment my outfit, who cares anything. i guess i’ll have to write a speech that i’ll then nervous ramble cry through ughhh don’t hold me to that. there’ll be karaoke, lucas will also dj so crazy dance party too and a couple bands. don’t worry cheapskate “friends” “media” “bloggers” your names will be on the guest list. everyone else tickets will be cheap. i’m going to have it catered. there’ll be a silent auction of my junk, clothing, art and proceeds will go to charity. think i covered everything there is to cover. oh wait, show of hands what’s your favourite booze? lucas says jager cos everyone will drink more and stay longer but if i go redbull then i can get vodka and then all the geezers can give’r more too? ever see backstage at any music festival all the guys not done with the rock and roll (forties) drink energy pops like mad. do you like my totally professional method of party planning? you’ve seen my wrong bar party photos in the past so you know it’ll be a good time.

ten years is a big deal. they say (carly told me this) once you put in 10000 hours into something, or 100000? whatever is equivalent to ten years but yeah once you put that time in that’s when you are considered an “expert” on something so guess what i can now add expert blogger to most famous canadian blogger since 2000. technicality, true. burn!

can’t wait to have a nervous breakdown any time now leading up to this event i’m going to have to start taking chill pills the week prior so that i have a steady mellow state and can act like a human being. i am terrible with stress. comes from my grandma for sure. keeps you on your toes i guess.

so once i lock down some free shit and corporate sponsorship i’ll have to start doing the media rounds.

later slater!


*update* comedian/host confirmed. IT’S ALL HAPPENIIIIING.

17 thoughts on “bastardo grasso

  1. Gladwell makes reference to the 10,000 hours thing in Outliers. He cites the Beatles and Michael Jordan, among others.

  2. that first paragraph was a little inane, like: i thought i was learning that it was a little redundant at first, no wait i didn’t, omg what’s wrong with me? stupid internet. no wait i do.

    no wait i don’t.

  3. Can I give a hater comment now? I just read the “How to Be a Drunk Asshole” article you linked to on twitter. It was excellent. What I particularly liked was the use of capital letters and punctuation. I love your site, but sometimes the lower case thing seems like an affectation, takes away from the message and makes me want to stop reading.

  4. i know, it’s horribly lazy of me not to capitalize. i do (i feel) punctuate though but many times i let it slide because I AM RELATED TO JACK KEROUAC BOOOM. it’s how i write don’t fuck with my process (im not swearing at you, i like you btw)(oh wait no i dont you left a snarky comment on my nails post i just checked your ip address what the fuck). i am really stubborn and the formula of how i write has not changed in many years. i feel very shamed by my non-go-getterish article writing nature to be honest as i AM a very skilled and proficient, grammatically correct writer i just “don’t try” because i don’t feel as though i have to. i am not good with formal documents or structure. i am a whiner.

    everyone else who doesn’t follow my twitter:

  5. I stand by the snark. I hated that nails post. It was about getting your nails done and was extremely pedantic about it. That ranks up there on the excitement scale with going shoe shopping in a hot mall with a winter jacket on. I’m sure it’s just me, though.

    I am sure you are skilled and proficient at grammar and punctuation. I have a personal thing against the lower case writing. However, your writing has made me get used to it, at least.

    Other than that, keep it up. What the fuck do I know? You’ve been doing this ten years, which I believe means you started before the internet did.

  6. I meant pedantic in the sense of “overly concerned with minute details” rather than childish. It wasn’t childish at all. It was simply very detailed about something I have zero interest in. Look, I like your writing a lot. For what my opinion’s worth, I think you have an original voice, solid turns of phrases, and a really strong persona. Besides the nail posts and capitalization thing, no complaints here.

  7. ok well next time use the proper word to describe your opinion. you want more grammar, be careful what you wish for. i was not overly concerned with shit by that post actually. maybe you didn’t get that it was AN ADVERTISEMENT.

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