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To see many places and hide in ditches

i rode my bike for the first time and it was terrible and horrible and amazing. it was raining. i have to break half a block before needing to stop otherwise i plow into people or have to perform bike “tricks” off curbs which is pretty awesome if you’re standing around waiting for whatever to happen to you and then i come along and happen right in front of you. i like to check out my reflection a lot while zipping around but i realized today i probably shouldn’t be doing that while drag racing taxis and arrogant dudes in beamers. especially in the rain.

it’s not that i’m conceited it’s just, i put effort into my “look” and i spend a lot of time alone and i’m sort of insecure and agoraphobic, so then i finally get out of the house which takes piles of effort and makeup and hair being did and a cute outfit, maybe i should get to check that shit out a little too, no?

the first dealer i dated, one of his friends commented that this girl (me) looks in the mirror A LOT. i didn’t know i did that until it was pointed out. then i was like, fuck, he’s right. that dealer spent a good portion of time making me feel like shit about myself to keep me in line (try it dicks, it works) and so every time i’d get up off the couch at whatever party we were at i’d pass the hallway mirror and be like, blown away by how cute i was. not saying i was totally babely (even though i was pretty on my game at the time) or anything i was just so dominated mentally i forgot that i looked pretty at all so it would be a major headfuck being confronted by my appearance every time i took a piss. i’d come back into the living room a whole new person. confident. then i’d start engaging with others in the room, abandon my wallflowerishness for an hour or two.

so, these are my thoughts when you catch me bewildered by my own reflection. i am bipolar. i feel ugly and beautiful at the same time, all of the time. i am vain and i am humble. barf barf barf when i sat down this was not the vision i had for this whimsical little post.

had an inspiring lunch with an old hombre at il gato nero. talked some business. exchanged ideas. things keep snowballing. momentum building.

i have an earache from the windy cold bike ride home. almost rode into a woman outside the lcbo on brock. treated myself to a bottle of jamesons (for the house) and some red wine, chit-chatted with the clerk who used to work out of the liquor store i used to go to in the annex, i figured he got fired for sexual harassment or something cos he flirts a mean streak. nope, just transferred.

i have no plans for the evening.

i need to go to the dentist my teeth are hurting. i drink way too much coffee.

thanks for subscribing to the raymi times. xo for now.

eye makeup slightly fucked. i think i have hay-fever. what’s that shit called when your eyes water up when spring hits? allergies, hay-fever? blah. i’m pretty sure there isn’t any hay in toronto.

our waitress was a bitch. he said it first, i’m just backing it.

fresh in from mexico. ugh.

ate like pigs.

il gato nero is a funny spot for me personally. one, it is on the street where my toronto residing life first began and two, because of this and how lazy i am, it is the scene where i first ever met with a venture capitalist who wanted to make bank off me (didn’t happen).

i’ve met with several venture capitalist types over the years and it’s all fine and dandy until contract time comes along. essentially, they want to own you and the rights to everything you invented. so deals fall through but at least you got a panini out of it haha.

this time around shit’s different though. have you heard of a life rights option agreement? i sort of had before but today it makes way more sense. ok that’s enough teasing for now.

Good evening Lauren!

Still in french! sorry!

Depuis le temps que je lis ton blog, je dois admettre que de nombreux posts m’ont touché à un point que je ne saurais décrire. Celui-là en fait parti!
Autant se dévoiler peut faire peur, autant ce peut être un jeu, avec toutes les répercutions que celà engendre. Pour ma part, j’en ai fait les frais et m’en suis sorti grandi comme jamais et riche d’une expérience sans pareil. Et dans la société qui t’entoure, il faut des reins solides!

Donc je te décerne un césar, parceque tu le mérites!

Pas de blogs valables, de mecs: pas de couilles! Timides! Trops fiers! Ou comme ça ne doit pas pleurer, ça ne parle pas!

Une petite devise:
Who dares, win! And above all: keep pressure!

Je n’irai pas jusqu’à avouer mes sentiments à ton égard, on me prendrai pour un dingue. C’est grâce à eux que je t’écris d’ailleurs! Donc je reste dans l’ombre! Et non, je ne suis pas dingue!

P.S: pour te faire une idée, je fais partie de ta liste de contacts facebook et nous avons nos initiales en commun.

please learn english you say such beautiful things! on fridays at work there is french club and i get guys to translate your comments to me and then they fall in love with me over what you say about me. haha.

babelfish says this:

Since time that I read your blog, I must admit that many posts touched me at a point which I could not describe. That one in fact left! As much to reveal itself can make fear, as much it can be a play, with all reflected them that generates. For my part, I made of them the expenses and me left there grown like never and rich person an experiment without similar. And in the company which surrounds you, one needs solid kidneys! Thus I decree you a césar, because you it merits! No valid blogs, guys: no testicles! Shy persons! Trops proud! Or as that does not have to cry, that does not speak! Too bad! A small currency: Who dares, win! And above all: keep presses! I will not go until acknowledging my feelings in your connection, one will take to me for a nutcase. It is thanks to them that I write to you besides! Thus I remain in the shade! And not, I am not nutcase! P.S: to make you an idea, I belong to your contact list facebook and we have our initial in common.

24 thoughts on “To see many places and hide in ditches

  1. I love this so much.

    “i am bipolar. i feel ugly and beautiful at the same time, all of the time. i am vain and i am humble.”

    Those words hit my heart like a suckerpunch. You are awesome.

  2. i love how your little side table beside the bed is disorganized. thats how artists are.. a bit messy (not to be confused with dirty like those houses the two english ladies clean) and but we somehow know where all our shit is among the mess. ya so?

  3. i am a whiskey fan thanks to pitt. my grandfather liked scotch. we are supposed to copy our ancestors. ciavarro is a drunk and would drink gasoline, in fact, at c’est what once he ordered the most disgusting scotch ever it tasted like paint thinner. if you want to show boat and struggle through a thirty dollar glass of digusting, BE MY GUEST!

  4. i do the same thing! re: feeling like i look horribly terribly ugly then being reassured as soon as i look in the mirror and able to relax for a little while until i became paranoid about my perceived ugliness all the time. no shitty boyfriends, just naturally fucked up.

  5. i am ugly and that is why i am fascinated by my appearance. it’s like a car crash. cannot look away. mostly all up in my mouth.
    ding dong out.

  6. kwil is a mothafuckin’ babe! ah, if people (by people i mean men) were privy to women’s thoughts they would drive themselves peripherally crazy with all the mad-insecurity and self-berating and GUILT. omfg. and i know self-depreciating female humour is lame but it is true.

  7. I ordered a beer that smelled like feet at a Montreal brewpub once, and I also felt sort of obliged to finish it.

  8. How do you balance the vain and humble? People think it’s an obsession with looks – I disagree. When you deal with the highs and lows so often, it becomes much deeper than looks.

  9. I learned in my first year psychology class that people who look at themselves in mirrors and windows are better looking than people who don’t. makes sense right? Keep checking yourself out – it’s good for you :)

  10. Your posts have been brilliant the last few days. Also last week my dr. was giving me shit about drinking and busted out the “you only think it’s normal because you’re drawn to being friends with other alcoholics” and it made me think of you. Friggin the-rapists.

  11. thanks eh. yeah, my rapist says the same shit. aside from sending me away to a beautiful detox in some gorge mountains somewhere for a month, it’s (100% sober) not happening.

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