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less of me, some of me

yesterday morning.

this is how i found out my grandma died a few years ago. harsh, a little. i had left my phone at home this ONE nite, the only time ever. we went to see dave chappelle at massey hall and i assumed we’d get hassled over cameras and phones. stupid in hindsight like, i bet i was the only idiot who left their phone at home. after the show we went to the shoe for awhile. i got home to this before checking voicemail, didn’t have the heart to delete it. i have a little morbid to my spirit i suppose. for some reason this text comforted me. not knowing how to delete all texts to cleanse my inbox made it so i didn’t have to delete it. every so often i’d stare at it and show it to whoever i was with at the time. i gave this phone to melodie when my blackberry arrived and felt the need to take a picture of it before she deleted everything.

i like to think that while i was laughing at dave chappelle in the flesh, i dunno, my grandma woulda been down with that?

i was going to chuck this in a post with a whole bunch of typical crazy random pictures and captions but maybe it should stand alone.

i’ll scour my inbox for stupid messages i sent last nite while i barflied alone at mitzi’s. mel and lucas left earlier and allison bailed cos of the blizzard and shitty roads, they wanted to wait with me but i said no i wanted to be alone and felt content about it. there should be a bar show-up/drop-off service, it would help a lot of agoraphobic people out quite a bit. well i guess there is, it’s called roommates. the idea of walking into a place alone is frightening. i analyze my surroundings way too much and then i get mysterious in my head and think i should just go home and drunk write but no it’s better to be out amongst the living as i spend far too much time in non-reality as is, why rush home to write about the hour i was away from home?

i moved to the bar to get a better look at the band that was pretty good last nite and bumped into lindsey and her friends which was nice, we were both pretty laced. she invited me over to their (friend’s) place around the corner, it was fun. total characters. vodka was ordered. i didn’t drink much of it cos i didn’t need to. i hated myself for staying out so late but figured i need to do something aside from working and sleeping and blogging all the time. i was given a manicure, the shittiest goriest one ever, but kinda looked nice? one hand was camo easter egg spotted the other hand was a terrible french manicure by dom, who was competing with stuart. they both lost but i said they were both really good. any guy willing to hold my hand and paint my nails wins right?

took it off before i left.

lindsey went lady gaga on us. everyone busted out a nice little costume change, i liked these people. ian said he was the luckiest man alive when speaking about his girlfriend. they are going to panama soon.

urg lost some of this post cos we lost power. it’s back now so i won’t freeze to death.

Never read the book. Who is the chick interest again? I want to see it. I feel so removed from cinema and I hate that yet I’m happier in my life, somewhat having one, being less dependent on television meanwhile I am typing into a calculator phone in a bar surrounded by people.

17 thoughts on “less of me, some of me

  1. i totally save little messages like that. i am not really sure why. i think it’s something sensitive people do, we like to save moments good and bad, so we can remember how they made us feel. i don’t know. just a theory.

  2. ugh i dunno, i’m in the longest “straight” daze i’ve ever been in..

    i have to be a rock for my mom and sometimes overly-dramatic/hysterical/rash sister, so i havent had a chance to really break down and deal with it myself.

    mdma helps; i can talk about it without going off the deep end.

    in the end, i realize he did what he thought was best for all of us; doesnt make it right, but he always put his family first.

    its so fucked how depression and anxiety can make someone into a shell of their former selves; the man who made that terrible decision was my father, but it was the depression that talked him into it.

  3. thanks :S

    self-awareness is a fucking curse sometimes tho; dad always said i am too smart for my own good ha

    i am grateful he is at peace now atleast; i would never want anyone to live a life that was so unhappy.

    the details are what really kill you inside. thinking about the last five minutes of his life is the hardest part, for me anyway…its hard not to; i am in the garage almost daily, amongst his things, working on stuff…standing on what was a blood-soaked concrete floor, listening to the same radio station that was on when the police came…everything is just how he left it, minus a few things that were bloodsoaked and ruined.

    and yet, nothing is how he left it at all…

  4. woah that is a lot of, information. i don’t know what to say. i guess the best is knowing that he’s no longer suffering. don’t overdo the mdma, your brain NEEDS to pump out serotonin for you to be normally happy again someday, don’t deplete it.

  5. oh i know; dont worry about the mdma…

    i forgot to mention his birthday is on monday so thats gonna be one fucking tough day. ugh.

    but im alright, i have no choice but to deal with this and learn from it and live my life the best way i know how.

    looks like all that psychology/psychiatry shit i study is kinda paying off haha

  6. this totally scared me and i thought i happened today

    i used to save little messages like that too. i still have them in my old phone im gonna read them right now!

  7. I dont even know you Jodie, but I am saddened by this converstation…
    from a stranger……please take care of yourself, and hang in there.


  8. I found out my grandpa died via text message on a layover at the Seattle airport. Was in Europe for 3 weeks, turned on my cell before getting on the plane to Vancouver and read “So sorry to hear about your Papa”… was a blubbering mess the whole way home.

  9. thanks so much jeffrey…sometimes the kindness of strangers is so fucking unreal, im grateful. and thank you Lauren for being here for me and letting me vent in your comments…

    its when i STOP talking that everyone better worry haha

  10. I missed the chance, a few days before it happened, to have her leave me a voicemail message, by talking into my cel…how many times have I wished I had done it? I would have listened to it over and over.
    It is somehow comforting, and it’s one of the ways we remember someone, saving the record of that moment.
    She wasn’t checking to see who was there, at the time…probably would have wanted to be at Massey Hall herself, if she had a choice.
    Heartfelt condolences to Jodie, from another stranger: somehow we get through it, the pain becomes less acute, although it never leaves altogether.
    The love never dies.

  11. Jodie. Lauren is right, you are coming across as the strongest, most logical, realist person right now. Which is good. I guess, it is for you? Your most descriptive comment made my eyes well up just so much.. I hope you’re dealing with it… I don’t know, however is the best way to.

  12. hugs jodie…that must be so hard. my dad is slowly killing himself with drugs and alcohol. so much to the extend he just had a stoke. i have watched him indulge for years, and all i can feel frustration and saddness for him.
    stay strong…xo

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