you just have to see her
this is the last picture taken on my camera before i packed’er in for the nite. met up with allison and talked her head off. she was very interested in single raymisms.
later on we bumped into gill oh what a treat that was.
painted lady throws a mardi gras every tuesday so fun.
back to business.
ok lesson learned sorry for sounding like a giant pussy yesterday it’s nice to know you prefer tough mouth screaming at you blog personae so lets roll with that from now on right after i address some emails. (pussy out a little more first). honestly i wasn’t at home so i couldn’t work with photos for content so i was mostly just passing time being a whiner. i have an immediate reaction to things, express them, then move on. thanks for your patience.
but in the meantime, here is a poll because someone requested it and i am a nice guy and live to please. i am also a big fan of bullshit distraction.
i can’t make up my mind with this one. i think i really liked my thumb back when i sucked it all the time but then i moved on to middle, then ring, then pointer and my pinkies always hold a special place in my heart cos they’re so mangled what to do what to do. i’ll wait to vote once other people start casting theirs.
yesterday we did the national post photos and i wore the most unseasonable dress ever and swam in it. it’s the dress i bought around xmas when i should have been buying presents for people who aren’t me. i’ve lost weight since then so it’s like a giant snuggie diaper on me. i bet it’ll shrink up. i was in the shower and thought to myself from now on i am going to live (and dress) like summer is never coming, why save a dress? like oprah said, burn those fancy candles now what are you waiting for the fucking pope to come over? cos he’s never coming over. sorry. it would be nice if she said that verbatim. but you know what i mean. don’t wait just act and act now. i am not a fan of waiting. i’ve always been a blurter and to my detriment that’s where i am most selfish of all, i have to say it no matter what the consequences. i release it unto the world and that’s how i am able to carry on and heal from it otherwise i walk around pent up like the rest of yous. that shit will give you cancer guy, so just say it. tell her you love her tell him you hate him tell them they hurt you and you’re not taking it anymore, what’s the hold up?
gill and i compared big mouth notes last nite. i told her friend that i am probably the only other person who is just as obnoxious as gill and gill was like yeah that is actually true. she stopped an entire dinner service at the drake to toast everybody. i was like what were you celebrating? winterlicious. fuck i love gill. then she toasted everybody on the patio too.
I used to read your blog all the time but I was distracted by other things for a while and missed all these big changes in your life. I don’t want to bring up things you probably don’t want to hear about from strangers, but kinda wanted to send you a hug. When I was feeling really bummed out a while back, we had a chat on gchat and you gave me some suggestions on how to cheer myself up and they really worked. I think it’s sad about you and fil, but I’m impressed with how you’re handling it, you are really strong and mature.
I guess I figured it’d be a good time for you to hear from other people how amazing you are. I don’t know you in person, but obviously because of reading the blog I feel like I’ve been following your life a bit. What’s kept me coming back is that you are incredibly talented. Really artistic, and really intelligent, but you’re also able to channel that into a format that people can understand and appreciate even if they are not particularly intelligent or artistic. It’s entertaining and interesting, and sometimes thought-provoking. The other thing I like about you is that you are a renegade. You push the boundaries and you are yourself unapologetically. I feel like I can relate to that a bit, although I am probably outwardsly at least a very different person. Probably like many other people I wish I was more like you in some ways, less given to doing what I think is expected of me. But that’s beside the point.
When I was bummed out you suggested dancing around to music, trying on new/different outfits and some other stuff I can’t quite remember. It was all very immediate, and it worked. It was good advice. I wanted to write to you and give you something back, it’s hard because you seem so self-aware but maybe based on my observations of your observations of yourself I could come up with something. So I thought I’d point out that I think you have a lot of talent, and it would be cool if you could hone it even more. Maybe you could take an art class of some kind, photography or film-making or something. Maybe that’s too conventional for you, but I was thinking you could learn new techniques and skills that you could put into practice to make something really impressive. You have musical talent too, maybe you could join a band as the singer, take singing lessons to increase your range and practice. Or start your own band for which you could write the songs and sing and have like a bassist and a drummer on board, and maybe someone with a tambourine or cymbals or something who could do back up vocals. I feel like you know you’re talented and you want to share it, but you also get scared of really ‘givin ‘er’, so you’ll sing a little and dance a little, but you’ll cover your face with your hair, or wear shades, or do something else in the middle to show you’re not taking it seriously and you’re just goofing around. Everyone gets scared and fear holds us back, but someone once said bravery is not having no fear, but being afraid and doing it anyway. I think maybe you need to push yourself more, invest in yourself, do stuff that’s hard for you instead of just what is easy for you because you are so good at it already. So that’s my advice anyway. I’ve come to really like you over the years, and I hope one day we get to meet. Maybe when you’re on tour in the UK I’ll come get your autograph
Ok, that’s all. Sorry if that came off heavy or patronizing in any way, it’s not meant to be, and I do think what you’re doing already is amazing, and mainly I just wanted to tell you that, but I know like all artists you probably want to do something even better or just different and new, and so the second part of this is just my encouragement on that score.
we will address more blond in my next post ok? can you tell my eyebrows are lighter? not a huge difference, pretty subtle. until the roots grow out at least.
focusing on myself and talking about myself, thinking about myself, BEING myself is exhausting a lot of the time. i also feel like the most self-absorbed person in the world right now. for the last entire life of mine for the most part i’ve been making decisions based on two people. should we do this, can we do that, how about the other thing, where should we go what will we eat, how much will it cost, am i pretty enough, is he into me on and on for years and even then i felt pretty self-absorbed but now that i get to plan for me and me alone i feel hyperly-selfish. trying to get used to it. i think my writing and showmanship has all changed for the better since, not to dog anyone but i was always checking in before hitting publish always editing and over-thinking and making sure i didn’t go too far. i feel free now and i feel high from that a lot. i think they call it independence. i do think that life is better (best) experienced shared with others but yeah, it’s also nice to be alone too. if you don’t like my choices you can fuck off out of here then. brilliant!
see how diapery. saving the “better” pictures for next post.
i definitely have fears (and crazy moments of shyness) about art and moving forward and i love my safety bubble for sure but it’s nice to feel like you’re falling sometimes. i like not knowing what’s next. i worry about ok if my roommates want to move away what the fuck will i do about it? people back themselves into worry corners so that they don’t have to do anything or change, they think that this is it and this life is laid out before them before they’ve even lived it and there’s no way to change it so may as well accept it now and carry on. as if. so as much as i’m all look at me go look at me evolve, i’m still a pretty big hypocrite most of the time, but i’m trying to fix that. at one point i think i accepted the possibility that this is as big as i’m ever going to be so give it a rest maybe. i fight with that daily actually. like i’m supposed to be seeking out venture capitalists and telling them about this NEXT BIG THING and I’M IT lets turn your $3 million into $6million! ha. that’s just not how it works anymore (maybe i should go on dragon’s den?). unless i brand this more, make a magazine, get a movie, a show, i dunno. you can only blog for so long really. i mean i know how compulsive i am so i will likely do it forever but i so totally have to stop. i’m giving myself another year to “make it” and if it doesn’t happen then i’m getting married and pregnant (not) i just went against everything i said up there. clem says if i’m working at the central in a year then i have failed. he’s right. he wants us to stay but he wants us to have dreams too.
well wasn’t this a total mess of a post jeez.
i keep smelling weed and i can’t tell if it’s the subletters downstairs or my own. it woke me up out of sleep actually. i think they’re french or something. the chick downstairs who lives there is off in montreal for a bit…WORKING ON FUBAR 2! i would die to hang with deaner and i think it might happen. cool to travel to montreal just to hang with the fubar guys or should i make up some other reason first like um, blog business haha.