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and so

i found that i was drinking myself away. i was drinking my life away. i was unhappy and became more unhappy and i didn’t see that happiness was a possibility any longer. for me. all of this shouldn’t even be said but i’ve kind of had enough of the online needling attempts and assumptions, whathaveyou. being a depressed person from the start doesn’t exactly work in your favour when it comes to these things, these things as in going out every single nite, drinking, blogging about it, then doing it again and again and again and asking for a time out, begging for one even, a hey look at me what about me? us? it wasn’t anybody’s fault it was just our life and it quickly became habit. in the end i went out less, but on the nights i did i was not enjoying myself so i drank through it, still unhappy, not even drunk just drinking but still waking up hung everyday in a fog. that is not a life to live. that is not a life. on top of it everyone is always asking you the what’s up, how goes and inside you are like, fuck all, what more do i need to give you when i have nothing for myself. here comes the self-loathing tell all piece of shit you’ve been waiting for.

many have overstepped boundaries here, have too sooned some shit. not cool. five years, think about it. that’s not your shit, that’s mine.

do you want to know the honest truth? i became ornamental and allowed it. i became alone and it felt normal. i gave up on myself, on being myself. i became callous. i forgot what romance was, passion. it got lost. real world stresses took it away and in its place we put booze and companionship and familiarity. thought we’d have the rest of our lives to work it out, he did. he feels that was such a gaff, and i agree. i said (and am saying way too much now) you are going to lose me and not even notice. the last two weeks of it, personal shit (though there was always something), were very fucking hard on the both of us, for two different reasons. the short of it is i could no longer tolerate being shut out emotionally, my spirit had had enough. i actually once daily said to myself the words i want to die. over-melodramatic words, that i meant, but i could never do that. but daily i felt it. i think i even said it to a few deaf ears. i know i did.

each day if i was not feeling ok i would never let on, on my blog. smile, pull through, this is your life, make it look good. years flew by. i’m not saying there weren’t magical wonderful times too, i’m only saying i felt like in the end we were only together based purely on shallow reasons, jealousy, our looks. possessiveness. yes of course there is/was love there holding it all together but at the root of my unhappiness i looked at us and that’s what i saw. there are certain times in your life when you see things from one narrow perspective only and that’s what i saw from my murky perch.

we acted beautifully together for everyone else but us. while alone it was stretches of silences for hours in our own little online worlds until it became dark then we’d get ready and go out to whateverthefuck was going on that nite. most things i didn’t want to do, i often chose his wants over my own. there’s nothing worse than acting for people you don’t even want to hang out with when you don’t feel like hanging out. making other people’s priorities supercede that of your own until you get to a point when you don’t care about anything anymore.

i said i would be witch hunted for all this, how could i do such a thing? leave? i can’t possibly tell the truth about the truth, it’s nobody’s business but when it turns out to be like i was the catalyst, rules change. he said he didn’t care go ahead tell ‘em, he feels awful naturally. gutted. it’s a mutual feeling.

in short, you can’t change people, people can’t change and they don’t. they learn maybe, but at heart you cannot change your blueprint. fuck we tried alright. in the beginning i was so in lust in love i overlooked a few things, i know he did too. i am an extremely affectionate being but you wouldn’t know it if you knew me in the last five years.

this has been the hardest time in my life in a long time. i feel like i haven’t made an adult decision ever before this. people say it’s a brave move, some are wont to just remain in situations forever out of fear, fear of change. being bold.

everybody is asking WHAT HAPPENED. guy, there isn’t one concrete response to that, don’t be such a silly selfish fucker. many things happened over the expanse of five years. little things add up over time and then you just pop.

for the now what i’m doing is a, well rather trying to anyway, everything is hunky dory tra-la-la show must go on routine, blog-wise. it’s a mindfuck. blogging is supposed to be cathartic. we’re trying to do a no contact for a month thing, tried to before that. it’s fucking rough and tough and i feel so insane right now i’m trying to dope myself into a state of mental disappearance. i want to disappear from feeling this way. i want the ultimate relax pill.

i feel like i have lost an entire fucking city. and yes i gave the ring back.

here’s something from someone else.

maybe rather than blasting per se, it’s an opportunity to explain that the blog is built from your life – life as inspiration – but that in fact it’s a construct. truth in a fictional form. or a fiction that’s built from truth.

Paul Theroux has a novel called My Other Life. the protagonist is a famous author named Paul Theroux. but as he says in the epigraph, “this is the story of a life I could have lived had things been different.”

I dunno, it’s a complicated dance. you sort of attract readers with bits of revelation and humor and the odd nipple or two, but there’s a boundary too. you know where it is but many will never understand it.

maybe if you explain that it’s a construct, you might lose/turn off readers. dunno how that would feel to you.

I blather!

i fit right in.


one vodka pump spray or three, please.

crazytown. i’ve been holed up in here all damn day. only leaving the room for more coffee and piss breaks.

this is holly. we have a lot in common. namely, big mouths.

comin’ up next on raymiCom – bar fights and car chases!

83 thoughts on “and so

  1. I recently read your post titled, AND SO. That email was perhaps the most beautiful and saddest thing I’ve read in some time. I write this because it both moved me and reminded me of my own experience. I’ve been an avid reader of your blog for the better part of 5 years and figured it would be best to send a piece of me perhaps to help a piece of you.

    Nearly two years ago to the day, I found myself waiting outside the Surrey Memorial emergency room, lost in my own scrambled thoughts, slowly savoring a last drag of my cigarette. At the time, I had not slept in nearly four days. At 24, it was the last place I’d ever thought I’d find myself. I had a great job, a nice downtown apartment, friends and family to boot. Two months prior, I’d just leased a $3000 dollar apartment and closed a lucrative business deal.

    As I sat outside waiting to be seen by a doctor, I was trying to convince myself I was in control. In truth, I was a wildfire with no water. The night before I had came seconds away from taking my own life. Maybe it was the sheer magnitude of even considering it, maybe it was the realization I only had one life to live, or maybe it was the visions of some unfortunate person finding my face and brains all over the concrete – but somewhere within those fateful hours, I started to look at my life from outside myself for the first time. To be completely honest, I didn’t like what I saw.

    Rather than take the easy road and pull the trigger, I used my last quarter in my pocket to phone my sister so she could come pick me up and drive me to the hospital.

    After my examination, I was admitted into the psychiatric ward and placed into a room with three other men. The immense shame I felt that night was intoxicating. There I was, striped not only of my clothing, jewelry and possessions, but of my pride as well. I can vividly remember thinking to myself I didn’t belong there. Little did I know that making that phone call, wearing those awful hospital gowns and confronting my worst fears and nightmares would turn out to be the best decision of my life.

    I can remember being woke up by my mother the following morning. She’d drove down through the night to be with me. The immense relief I saw in her eyes to be able to hug me was incredible. Though I felt empty and dead inside, that brief moment gave me a real jolt. The kind of jolt I hope everyone gets to experience at some point in their life.

    In my mother’s eyes, I could also see here asking the question, “how did it come to this?” In times like these, there are no words to explain a question like that. But I felt the need to try to comfort my mom, to tell her it was all going to be okay. So I asked her an awkward question, considering the scenario. ‘Could I use your purse for a second?’ In hindsight, my mom must have thought I’d truly lost it.

    She agreed, so I opened the clasp that held it’s contents inside and dumped everything onto the hospital bed. I then separated all the eyeliners, lip balms, lip sticks and various other items into one pile.

    In the second pile, which was by far the largest, I put receipts, gum wrappers, business cards, old sticky notes and a bunch of other things.

    In the last pile I put two items – her keys and her wallet.

    I told her my life is a lot like her purse. I’m always opening it up to see the same shit inside – all the tragedies, the heartaches and the haunting memories I had in my life. Half of the stuff in my mom’s purse, just like half the stuff in my life, is stuff I’ll never need, but was too scared to throw away. Things like my abusive father and step-father, the break-ups, the fuck ups and the fake ups.

    I went on to tell her I’d finally realized it was time to sort everything out, just like I had done with her purse. Separate all the things that mean the most to me, the things I need to remember and things I need to get rid of. Above all, I was tired of opening the purse that was my life and looking at all the things I’d held inside when all I ever wanted to see was my fucking wallet and keys. The truth is, I’d left them were too many of us do – at the bottom of everything.

    Raymi, I hope you take this chance to sort out the contents of your life’s purse. Keep your head up and mind strong and as hard and daunting as it may seem.


  2. I’ve been reading your blog for years, never commenting, but like so many others I feel compelled to do so now.

    I’ve been thinking about you a lot the last couple of weeks, worrying about you, hoping you’re ok. I’m sorry that you’re hurting right now, but it sounds like you made the best decision you could in a difficult situation. You’re so honest, strong, and brave, and so many of us (even total strangers) are behind you.


  3. i have always admired how honest you are and how strong you are through the vunerable times and what you say makes people want to open up their hearts a little more. i saw myself and my old relationship and that blackhole feeling it all came back and it’s like reaching into the dark and grabbing a hand and once you’re out you can’t go back no matter how much it “could” or “should” work. just wow. raymi you amaze me everyday hang in there, basically everything everyone said up there too cause yeah, you’re great and deserve to just be able to be great.

  4. Raymi,

    Like some of the other commenters here, I have been reading your blog for years, and years. This post was totally heartbreaking, and I’m sure you just feel simultaneously raw and numb and shitty. I’m sorry, sorry, sorry. Just another stranger out of millions, but I love you and I think your writing is real-deal fantastic. Try your best to keep it together. Or let it all fall apart and build it again.

  5. meanwhile just fyi there’s a sort-of-related post about the audience’s curiosity about the artist’s personal life over at right now.

  6. I’m another blog reader who followed you a while back last year until the engagement; then I stopped following thinking it was the happily ever after ending.

    I thought of you of recent. I know it’s not my place to say anything but I feel compelled. I think I like many others rejoice when 2 people find love and companionship in each other. Can’t say I’m not devastated to find what looks so perfect together actually isn’t.

    Well. I’ve been married 5 years and my 5 years were tumultuous because of our cross-cultural marriage; differences in a great many things. Sacrificing my personal thoughts, dreams, ways etc. Painful stuff. After 5 years, I found my sacrifice to be worthwhile, for a greater shared thoughts, dreams and ultimately love and companionship.

    I used to read your blog and think, yeah, choosing someone who can laugh at your jokes and share a humour wavelength must be so great (not to mention being mutually goodlooking) and easier to work a marriage with. He seemed like such a great guy and you seemed so happy with him.

    I hope you will be happier in time. Good luck, Raymi

  7. Your honesty is very moving. Hugs from Maryland, USA. My wish for you is to process and work through the situation however you need to and to emerge from these times with a renewed sense of self. Change is hard, but it’s also sometimes a way of enlightenment (cheesy, I know, but I find it to be true).

  8. a weekend of psychedelics in nature does wonders for ur perspectives and psyche. omg you should go to a burn! haha i’m serious.

  9. Nicole essentially put it best: “You are such an inspiration, such a relatable yet unique person.”

    Everyone is behind you and no matter what happens, never doubt yourself.

    all the best.

  10. even though I’ve been reading your blog for years, it took this post made me come out of the woodwork to say, you are very brave. Personally I have been trying to decide if I am in a similar situation myself, and what with all the comfort/familiarity/affection there, it’s hard to fathom leaving and having to build all that up again with someone new. i admire you for being able to take such a bold step.

  11. Geeeezus you are strong. More of an inspiration to my current life status than you’ll ever know. So thanks.
    I’d also like to throw it out there that it is very possible to care about strangers, eyes stung a little while reading this.
    Wish you only the best.

  12. I’m impressed that you wrote that at last, and that it was so frank and honest and fair. and commandingly written. (what else is new?)

  13. People don’t change. Thats really true. Things change, the environment changes, attitude/perspective may change, but we don’t fundamentally.

    You have a lot of courage putting yourself out here like you do. Its really admirable. And appreciated by many.

    Good luck and best wishes. You’re young and there is a long way to go.

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  15. i don’t even know what to say besides everything will get better, i promise. drinking is a shitty thing to deal with especially when it’s embedded so deep in your relationship.
    i emailed you.

  16. your honesty and strength are moving. it’s horrifying to read that you had the words ‘i want to die’ in your head everyday! no wonder you left.

    we’ve only met in real life a couple times and maybe things were ok then and maybe it was just that we are different people and i was drunk (i was nervous! you’re so hot and interesting), but something always seemed off about you two.

    for one, there was definitely no physical affection between you, which seemed to be the norm in real life and here. not surprised you mentioned that above, i always got the impression that you were holding back because of him.

    plus, you guys always seemed to be bickering about lots of things, big and small. I guess some people are just like that, but it’s got to take a huge toll on you, especially when other things in your relationship aren’t working.

    despite the engagement and the ‘good’ posts, your relationship was not easy to relate to because of those real life encounters, however short and booze-filled they were and despite how hot you two are and how well you clearly know each other.

    this is definitely one of your best entries yet. you are so talented and such a strong writer and i will definitely be voting for you like crazy to win that bloggy award.

  17. That was a brave thing to author.
    Thank you for letting us in.
    You’re awesome and things will work out for the best.
    Trust in that.

  18. I think you’re so great. Seriously. I’ve recently gotten back into writing via the blog thing and even with few followers, still feel so goddamn anxious/stressed/manic about peoples responses at times. Other times I don’t give a shit.

    Price of honesty and putting yourself out there I guess but so long as the positives outweigh the cons..

    I’m glad you’re doing what’s best for you. There are a lot of us routing for you. All the best. xo.

  19. Yo dude you did both of you a favour. I was stuck in a relationship like that for 4 years, spending 3 hours a day in the bathtub, thinking about what to wear and shit, reading garbage gossip, actually indulging in retarded self obsessed crap as an escape route, doing my make up before he came home just so that we can get drunk in front of the TV then go get more wasted around a bunch of people I didn’t give 2 shits about at another fuckin Toronto event. It didn’t matter, none of t made any fuckin sense. If I didn’t end it, I wouldn’ve never known what its like to be in a relationship that seriosuly maintains its standards over years and years and years. It exists and you deserve it! Don’t ever settle. Love, jokes, sex, mutual attention,affection, spontaneity, happiness, sober or wasted good times, it does not decline overtime and don’t let assholes who ‘accepted that’s just the way it is’ tell you otherwise, its fucking bullshit. If youre going to be with someone for ever or a while anyway, it should only get better, thats not unrealistic, I’m not naive, sometimes you have to go through a ton of shit to hit gold but truth be told if you’re awesome enough you will and thats just that.

  20. p.s. not implying anyone or anything is shit, bullshit or invalid, sorry this was like a stream of consciousness or something, obvi all relationships have their merits and you never know what’s gonna happen.

  21. Best wishes for the future, and I hope less pain in the now.
    Being old,and old fashioned, i’ll be putting you on my prayer
    and good thoughts list. Listen: i’m a recovering alcoholic with
    11 years sober.It is by far, the best thing I ever did; if you ever want to talk,
    don’t be afraid to email the old Rev. We’ll talk about Jack; he was born less than a mile from here.

  22. brilliant post. let the arse kissers come by and kiss arse. this is how it is. this is this shit called life. swimming in a sea of excrement with an ear to ear grin. and this is what we do. for others. sometimes. and this is also why we drink. and medicate. love this post. nice and honest.

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  26. jesus.

    “i feel like i have lost an entire fucking city.”

    i could relate to that… it’s exactly how i felt for a bit, thank god i had managed to make a friend or two or else i’d have been done for… and i’m still trying to make certain places mine too and even months and months later it’s still difficult to do.

    i went blonde last year, after it was over, but my roots have grown back in quite a lot so i’m getting that trashed out look, blah.

    i’m all over the place here.

    moved by you sharing this with your readers, this personal thing.

    i admire that you wrote this for so many reasons.

    sending blogger fan love.

  27. “everybody is asking WHAT HAPPENED. guy, there isn’t one concrete response to that, don’t be such a silly selfish fucker. many things happened over the expanse of five years. little things add up over time and then you just pop.”

    THANK YOU. thank you for this post. i can relate to every single word… and i’m not just saying that because you’re raymi the minx. i just went through the same thing except it wasnt five years, it was three, but i felt like if i didnt end it at the time i did it would have gone on for another ten… it’s been one of the hardest summers of my life but i can tell you that i have never felt more myself in a long three years. it was the best decision i’ve ever made.
    keep on being an amazing person,


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  29. Hey, I guess I did believe it all–THE Raymi, THE Raymi Life. I hadn’t read about it in months though, so pure fluke I stumble by now. In any case, Raymi is cool still. I don’t think you’re doubting your coolness, just dealing with stress and BS. You can handle it though. You’re tough. No one doubts your ability.

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