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The sun won’t melt our wings tonight

so i had an ultrasound yesterday (everyone who follows me on twitter knows this already so get on that scene if you want to know my up-to-the-minute stupid thoughts and activities) and it went well, the technician was nice and laughed at all my dumb jokes esp. the walk of shame line. anyway, everything is fine up in thur i’m thinking it might just be super bad timing plus maybe i have a funky thyroid like, why else would i be so sensitive to hot weather all the time. makes sense to me as i’ve always gone a little nutzo (sad, mad, glad, bad) once summer rolls on in like sigh it’s warm everyone is miami beach and i am a fucking loser, basically, even since i was a little kid what the hell right? so who knows, i can’t even see my doctor til next week (she’s on vacation) and i can’t get my records either.

where was i oh right ultrasound, this time i was properly prepared i drank a litre of water an hour beforehand, maybe more than a litre out of paranoia the litre wouldn’t be enough thus making the ride there totally uncomfortable, practically unbearable. fil in solidarity with me held in his pee too. aw, um, thanks?

when i got there the woman at the desk said i could release some pee to take the edge off, handed me a styrofoam cup and off i went to release. oh man it’s so hard to stop yourself once you get going, like trying to stop niagara fucking falls yeah good luck with that. then i went back to the waiting room and watched the pregnant woman who was seen before me haul on a cigarette in the parking lot while her partner and toddler waited in their hot steamy car. ahh, meadowvale. i tried to take her picture but a dude came in and blocked my view. honestly, why even bother having an ultrasound at all if you’re going to undo all the positivity of keeping preggo appts by polluting your fetus anyway you piece of trash. so disgusting.

so then it was my turn at’er. before i was dildo-wanded she did the abdomen check and everything looked totally fine, i even got to see what that foreign object motherfucker looks like inside of me – basically it looks like a sad looking puny tampon. i hope you’re reading this on your lunch break.

then it was magic wand time. she asked if she could insert it herself which confused me i was like uhhm, how else is it going to get in there? she said some people like to insert it themselves. WHAT? WHY? that’s so weird. this whole experience is awkward enough as is why the hell would one want to push it even further? ps. thanks for the ten thousand visuals of women on this bed plugging themselves in front of you. ugh.

then we got to see the inside, all normal, no cysts, i saw my ovaries well i think i saw them, i pretended to at least. i’m like what’s that? she’s like that’s your right ovary. oh ya don’t say, mhmm hmm yep yep and those are follicles? are those ok too? holy man my sex ed is a little dusty. follicles are those things um i totally just forgot actually hahahaha cells or some other word hangs out with follicles in the uterus and um, shit happens.

so full results in a few days. no crazy jumped out at her, i asked her opinion on my iud predicament and she was like you know, not my specialty and i said yes i know you’re just the artist, gesturing at the monitor. she barely laughed at that one wtf work with me here you just violated me! oh and she had to push down on my stomach a few times cos there was gas getting in the way of her work. no i didn’t let one go it was the metamucil working its magic. oh man this is so boring recounting normal events i wonder how i ever had the patience for it before. meh.

after that fil and i shared some jerk chicken next door and i felt self conscious about my sweat stains so then we went shopping.

i had to buy a new tank top, went to the h&m at oakville place. haven’t been inside an h&m in a looong time. it was nice to see they are recycling prints from 8 seasons ago, stock that just won’t sell holy just donate it already.

this yellow number is actually a pale fluorescent yellow and i got it from winners, along with a dress and a black t-shirt with a rainbow peace sign on it and flying doves. skid hippie. the shoes obvs came from h&m.

i made it through the day w/o under-eyeliner warpaint. fil didn’t even notice. he did notice everything else about my makeup was f’d up though. guess how that went over.

the five pounds i put on (more like 4, i got issues) i have chiseled off by eating better so no more snacks the next time i try and order a pizza or chinese out of laziness or you make me i will say do you plan on wearing a bikini this summer cos i do. the end. so who knows what the f is up. stress is definitely one factor.

finally tracked down some edamame. don’t ask anyone in a suburban supermarket for it, they don’t know what it is. also, don’t ask them when you are dressed like a wizard, either.

fil saw me holding this guy and got jealous. no biggie. DON’T GET ANY IDEAS!

40 thoughts on “The sun won’t melt our wings tonight

  1. Holy shit who would insert that ultrasound dildo themselves??? I’ve had several of those ultrasounds and they never offered to let me do it myself. Thank God.

  2. did the IUD make you gain weight (or make it hard to lose weight)? i was on the pill for the last couple years and when i stopped taking it i dropped like 10 pounds in a month…so now i want to find something that will keep me not pregnant but also keep me skinny.

    plus i need some sort of hormone regulation so i don’t murder my boyfriend/family/friends/strangers the week before aunt flow.

  3. no weight gain with iud and actually according to my friend the 5 yr one made her lose weight. the only thing that made me gain weight was anti-depressants.

  4. “did the IUD make you gain weight”

    how do you keep a straight face reading that stuff?

    also how come you never post my comments. i am sensitive.

  5. wow. next time I get an ultrasound I am for sure demanding to use the wand myself. and then I’m going to refuse to do it properly and then ask them to help me guide it in, etc etc. oh lordy, I never want that job!

  6. Now all I need is yellow cardi and I have all the ingredients to that outfit. Call me C****e.

    Please have babies, forget getting another IUD. Have babies I can play with! We can all wear our matching snug-as-a-bugs

  7. Zara’s the new h&m (in my silly opinion). Every time I go into h&m i’m highly disappointed, then I go to zara and spend way too much.

  8. Um, you girls seem to think you can just pop out kids and leave them with mental case dudes you meet in chatrooms. I expect more from Canada.

  9. and don’t come crying to me when someone finds a pale yellow sweater at a thrift store and wears it with her brown monster muff leggings.

  10. glad all is well with your girl parts….had to add that as i was scrolling down the blog, I got to the part with the moving .gif images, and on my radio Ozzies Flying High Again came on, and picard/riker/data were keeping beat with it…made me laugh..HA!

  11. The symbolism in this post is hilarious. The flower stamen, the two-balled edamame, your outfit’s homage to evolution, that dude with the newborn…well done.

  12. Oh sorry. I was merely pointing it out for the dummies who just come to look at your ass. I’m concerned your genius is frequently overlooked.

    I’ll be going now. You should be nicer.

  13. Your tan is beauty, your iud shit sounds freaky, I had to wiki about it because I’m not too clear on that shit, didn’t pay attention in school I guess heh.

    Grossed out, start your own blog about happy fluffy kittens and how icky life can be, srsly iuds and babies happen.

  14. ROCKET SURGEON, BAH HA HA! Oh and I think it’s fallopian tubes, but who’s counting- I had an awkward moment or 2 watching South Park w/ the boyfriend last night as it was all about farts vs queefs, yes, folks, they did. Ick with a capital I EYE EYE!
    Babies are a big deal, people, not to be taken lightly, prease!

  15. “i mean, there’s always your garage on friday nites right?”


    he bugs your mom? that is fuckin RUDE.

    i wouldnt fuck with a kerouac….

  16. agreed jodie.

    snp i feel like i might be over doing the edamame this week there’s bags and bags of it in the freezer. i want to know where i can get it in bulk though, cheaper plus fresher.

  17. IUDs are ideal, in theory, for birth control (at least from most peoples’ perspectives). However, and I am not exaggerating, I personally know someone who became pregnant while using IUD as the sole form of birth control. Statistics like 99% don’t kid around (no pun intended).

  18. ““did the IUD make you gain weight”

    how do you keep a straight face reading that stuff?

    also how come you never post my comments. i am sensitive.”

    what? that’s a completely reasonable question, most forms of birth control have the potential to fuck with your weight, loser.

  19. My doctor made me stick that thing in myself (for the ultrasound) – and to add insult to injury he made a female nurse sit in the room and watch! I was fucking pissed off.

  20. I had an ultrasound done recently too, i got really freaked out when she took the wand put on a condom and lube and basically started to masturbate me, well no but it was weird, never had that done before

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