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i started out the evening as yoko ono.

i like this one cos steph and mads look like hot snobs and steph especially looks like kelly from 90210. five stars.

nice.

i want barbarella bottoms like that.

i had to change out of my turtleneck cos our area was right beside the radiator set to lava temperature. i was going to sneaky gym class change behind a jacket but mads ruined that by addressing the entire room so i had to go up to the can where a myspace gaggle of girls were huddled around their puketastic bud. buzzkill.

how many times did i reference eddie murphy’s coming to america rat tail? (impossible to find a photo of it online and this isn’t the first time on my blog i’ve made mention of that infamous braid am i going to be forced to rent the stupid movie and take a picture of the tv on pause? man the things i do for this piece of shit site). update: thanks to team rat tail a picture has been located:

and the movie trailer!

i am sweating just looking at those long sleeves remembering how hot it was in there ugh.

make me look pretty wait i know you aren’t working with me here.

mads’ presence alone makes green room appear classier than it will ever fucking be.

sarah said the twihards hated on me so much cos of my black hair and eye makeup ie. vampire appeal. speaking of, this is the kind of reasoning we are dealing with, if only i knew…

this is a postreject card.

siblings.

matt pre-beard removal.

g’aww.

i was missing out on the coming to america braid (sweating my anus off) so i stepped up.

kids.

bromancin’.

uh oh! they know that we know that they know that we know what’s up. don’t get lost now.

what do you mean i can’t take off my sweater I’M HOT! (do you know where that line is from?) nevermind, watch this.

don’t leave me.

fil does a brad.

hey guys don’t forget i’m also on twitter so if you have one of those jobbies follow me on there, thanks.

brosz7stachey from raymi lauren on Vimeo.

went for a tan yesterday i am WAY darker now than caspy up there.

ok from now on i am putting joke notes when i save these things. so far this is the most clueless i’ve been about certain postcards, like, what was the funny i had in store i must have clicked the wrong card to save? ugh. don’t get me wrong, most are blatantly obvious, but there’s a few that are quite the mystery. anyway here we go…

firstly, you and your mother are whores and secondly, BARF. why would you send this particular picture in with that statement? who are you the osbournes? don’t you have any friends to discuss your sexual exploits with? lastly, are we to think you are a 4 year old ballerina? seriously, dumb.

BAAHAHAHahhahaHAhAhahAHA!HAHAHAHA aw man solid gold i don’t know where to begin and i’m happy that i randomly placed this one beneath the mom daughter cum guzzling postcard. i walked in on my grandma changing once and i was paralyzed in shock, i was four maybe? anyway, it certainly is a jolt to the system realizing old people have pulses too/still. i say high five her for takin’ care of business, i bet she’s not as cunty as most biddies tend to be.

you deserve terrible things to befall you, like maybe a terminal illness for you or your child you smug fucking asshole, money can’t buy healthy. also, your husband is banging the secretary and your ass is fat.

oh looky-loo it’s our superior friend from the last post who thinks they’re better than everybody cos they don’t use plastic bags (seriously i don’t know ONE person who does anymore) anyway, don’t trip on your shoelace, bust a tooth, slam your knee and blast back into the squat machine lady. no wait please do. if the only secret you have is hidden exercise superiority i feel really bad for you. this is probably the most attention you’ve ever got. which is essentially why meat heads and exercise fanatic’s lives revolve around the gym, more more more attention please! it’s just never enough and then they die. yawn.

oh great a new addiction everybody say hello to the author of the next batch of retarded and made up secrets for the next several months.

OMG can i come over i LOVE dollhouses and miniature any/everything! someone replied saying that’s why they became an architect. no, fuck that it’s dollhouses or bust. architects don’t get to play with teeny butter knives and victorian sconces all they get to do is create asymmetrical modernist beetlejuice houses.

do NOT even get me started there, guy.

yeah this was one of the postcards i’m all ?? about. initially i maybe kind of see the appeal in wanting to burn with perez but then i dunno, why would you want to be irritated by the voice of a prissy chipmunk incessantly talking about lady gaga and rihana then ignoring you while he blogs for an hour? BORING.

that was really big of you letting that leaf in and all. props. just think it could have been sucked up by the street cleaner truck or worse jammed at the bottom of a pile of schoolyard trash forEVS.

OK sister you need to STOP being that preparation-fixer girl right now, you are doing everything wrong, whatever it is, it’s wrong, clearly. take a dude break, work on yourself, stop smothering guys when you date them and letting them near carefree chicks. BE one of those carefree chicks. maybe you are giving off desperation vapors or something, or maybe i have you wrong completely and you actually are the carefree last hurrah bang these guys have before taking the plunge. find a happy medium and be that girl instead. 1. don’t fix and 2. don’t be aloof, show you care and don’t be a doormat.

but i mail in smug postcards so my loser friends can feel even worse about themselves. guess what brah, happiness never lasts, especially when you’re flighty, which evidently you are. whatever glee crutch (i bet it’s a chick) is currently “working” for you right now, it will inevitably ditch (dump) you so see you in a few months “hardly ever”.

can you be friends with that girl who told her mom she swallows? can’t you talk to your dad about other things that remind him about your mother like, say, your mother? and how long can you talk about your period for even, five hours? next time please be less in my face like a panty liner commercial, write in wispy cursive penmanship and no fake blood splatter you shock jock.

thank you prozac nation these pill tongue images NEVER get old. zzz mental illness, pills, so hardcore and honest yeah yeah listen up people i take PILLS lets TALK about it yeah that’s right i’m medicated what’s it to ya BLAAAAAAAH! SHUT UP if it’s not working, make it work, do you want to feel better or do you want to be a myspace profile picture cliché?

a blog is a blog. a livejournal is a journal. get over it babypants.

i added this one only because of the response on the site (which was cut off somehow):

“I write emails in response to postcards in hopes I can feel less alone, but my comments are never below the postcard and I feel more alone than before, because I know someone who feels the way I do is out there, I j”

I RELY ON THIS BLOG FOR MY HAPPINESS AND IT HURTS MY FEELINGS WHEN I AM IGNORED BUT NOW FRANK HAS FINALLY VALIDATED ME AND MADE ME LOOK STUPID I STILL FEEL ALONE THOUGH, I HAVE TOTES NO IDEA WHY MAYBE IT’S BECAUSE I NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE OR MAKE ANY EFFORT TO MAKE NEW FRIENDS? NO WAY COULDN’T BE THAT.

so that friendship ended the exact second this photo was taken? wow you really are a shitty people person. how many photos of you with ex-friends have you got laying around? can you tell a relationship is going to end from the start so then you inadvertently do something to fuck it up anyway? or maybe you just don’t like pictures cos you look like shrek? so many unanswered questions this postcard is a painful memory of!

ok you wrote this wrong sorry, i get what you meant but you are calling yourself a racist for not getting a tip. however yes, that is extremely shitty to not tip and also be a demanding/demeaning customer, we all know someone who is this person and it is super embarrassing to have to sit through, it’s pretty much almost a deal breaker. i do not tolerate abuse/rudeness to waitstaff, even overhearing it from another table it makes my flesh crawl then i spend the majority of my meal focusing on some asshole trying to stare a hole through their fucking head. you learn a lot about a person based on how they treat waitstaff and how much they do or don’t tip. oh my god i am getting so steamed just thinking about this right now. anyway back to the racism thing, give some the benefit of the doubt maybe they actually are just pieces of shit cheapskates BUT if it happens to you a LOT and often then i’m with you, lets get ‘em. learn how to size them up before the bill comes so you can spit in their food. i’m sorry but if you don’t tip, then DON’T EAT OUT AT RESTAURANTS get yourself a frozen pizza you giant asshole. that person is providing a service for you so show your gratitude and pay accordingly scrooge and another thing, cheapness is not inherited from your folks, it’s a personal CHOICE! my mom was (i think she’s better now) the cheapest tipper ever yet i over-tip (though according to fil i don’t cos he OVER over-tips).

i’m so pissed off right now where is he i’ll fucking do it!

yeah this so was an accidental saving. um, i gave fil a beej on a pile of leaves/under some leaves (tree) once? yeah i guess i loved him enough to do that ha ha aha .

oh SHUT SHUT SHUT SHUT UP! how do you wipe your ass? you’re going to die like that poltergeist girl if you’re not careful, she stopped crapping and then she died. (yes i know she had a weird bowel disease thing but anyway it’s called making jokes you should try it on sometime chode bomber).

brosz7 you sent this one in right?

and keira you sent in this one i know it. k jokes. this is actually v cute and funny i like it B b b but, some dogs do not belong in apartments, it’s just my O(pinion) ok don’t lose it like if you have one of those big horse dogs, let him stretch his legs jesus and tell him to shut up please i am trying to write on my blog about sweating and garbage, thank you.

can you try not to constantly re-describe this story with the words “abusers” and “little” and “body” in the same sentence, you’re giving away too much power to those pedophiles and not to be a counselor or anything but like, you’re the one studying for your masters to be one so wouldn’t you know all this shit anyway, harboring, repressing, blocking etc.? yes, get it sorted and don’t shift the hurt/blame to your counselor now and be a defeatist. yes it sucks to be told you’re not ready for something yet but i doubt it sucks more than being molested.

aww i want you to have one too place an ad! start hanging around jazz bars, act like you are john cusack in midnight in the garden of good and evil. trust me.

WHAT? is is waiting painful is what THIS POSTCARD IS FUCKING PAINFUL that’s what’s painful! make more sense next week thank you.

you have fat arms.

stop bagging losers and having expectations of them dammit! you look like you are 13 years old, you are too young for this shit and you know girls mature two years before boys so you are banging 11 year olds basically. of course they leave they’re going home for dinner! or to play jacks and read comic books. the only way to get a boyfriend to stay is to actually have a relationship with him and make him wait and wait and wait and SUFFER because suffering equals love everybody knows that.

oh puh-lease. did you bang satan? or a priest? do you want my help or not? he lost your faith oh no why did you give him that how can someone lose YOUR faith. that’s like saying fil lost MY innocence. not possible. ok fine i’ll shut up sorry your hymen is busted and someone else lost your faith ok sorry sorry! (this should be evidence enough that kids should not be having sex until their brains properly develop or they pass english class).

PAYCE!

allow me to show you my board (steve zissou voice)(don’t worry there will be other stupid things aside from it in this post).

i kind of want to take these stickers off but i worry it’ll only ruin the under-design therefore, pointless. i’ll just have to keep adding more and more to cover up the ones i don’t like anymore. so basically if you have some cool/cute stickers give me them.

kristin secretly tucked that blythe sticker in my bag. so nice.

GF represent.

part of why these stickers irritate me so much is because they’re a reminder of all my missing CDs. sigh.

the stussy shoe was the first sticker i stuck to this thing. also the mcflys are finally going to be manufactured (you’re welcome) but they will be some ridiculous sum of money that no one can afford. plus, they ugs.

the things on the door are notes to myself – one to complain about the cigarette smoke venting into our unit and two the measurements of the old couch. on top of things, brah.

and while in that area of the room (where i stash my board) i rediscovered my old phone. it went through many different cellphone covers (and they weren’t cheap back then either).

this was my lifeline when i lived at my dad’s before he had internet, i played the shit out of snake and this pinball game. i guess i should donate the thing eh, there’s a drop off box at sonic boom i believe.

memory lane y’all.

nothing says mature 21 year old girlfriend-to-be (pick me pick me!) like an envelope decorated in this manner.

uhhh crazy much? took me a minute to figure this one out, quitting what, smoking? actually it’s when he quit his job.

one of my many weaknesses, princess engrish stationary.

wow i can’t even remember what 22 felt like other than rocking the worst hair style/colours ever and getting beer fat. playing a lot of megatouch too.

i take issue with the words: squish, squishy,and squishes. SHUDDER.

oh you shut up.

fil has muchos appreciation for bill the cat.

hahahahahah in the moonlight.

steph gave me this saturday nite.

that gray thing is a piece of wood that has been inside the back of my right thigh since i was 16, ten years. on my actual sixteenth birthday in drama class i hoisted myself up onto one of the painted black wooden boxes we used for skits and a sliver went right through my tight (slutty satin le chateau) pants into my thigh, deep, and i was too much of a pussy to tweeze it out. it has since healed over but a tiny speck pokes out. it’s hard to capture in a photo but i can grab either end of it and move it around. am i getting wood poisoning? it’s thicker than it looks in this photo, kinda the same size as the piece of bamboo i found in that package of frozen spinach. fyi i haven’t shaved higher than my knees since i was 17 (england) those are baby blond hairs, tight pants over the years have pretty much sanded ‘em all down.

it was pretty sunny, the glare from the cars ahead of us were blinding him so he wore my casino de niro glasses over them.

time to get new contact lenses dude.

so, i am what they refer to in the “skate” “world” as goofy footed. it’s basically like being left-handed, except, footed. i essentially taught myself how to longboard on the strip of manhattan beach when i was cray cray and ever since cannot undo it. i also snap backwards (thumb down instead of thumb up)(something i also taught myself ha) i swing a bat lefty too, and i punch with a left-hook (remember that shawn? haha). anyway it just feels right to me, left foot forward just does not compute with my brain. i’ve had those (free) shoes since i was 19, they’re by globe, the girl versions of called gallaz. they’re in pretty good condition is why i mention it.

stupid day to decide to part your bangs much. actually they didn’t get in the way really.

getting ready. also little known fact, this is the exact spot i first ever laid eyes on fil and he has no recollection of it. i had NO game and looked like a defeated greasy kid (was even wearing these same shoes), he was backing his motorcycle out of his mom’s garage where he stored it and i was thinking that’s who i belong with but look at me, never ever gonna happen but wouldn’t you know it less than a year later stella got her groove back and won her man. oh my god i should write shitty romance novels already.

lia says i should do tomboy more often.

that’s a brew in my pocket not a bun in the oven. it’s tough being a girl and skating you feel like you need to take all these things with you like makeup and maxi pads and hairspray haha kidding, but you know what i mean, what am i going to do once it gets warmer and i can’t rely on winter jacket pockets?

i haz a longboarding girl date soonly on the horizon.

thank you kirsty!

i am regressing.

skippin’ stones, no biggie.

well, kinda is really. not very good at it.

there’s a video of me actually skipping two i know you can’t wait to not watch.

i was all HEY lets collect polished beer glass and get a pretty bottle and this can be our new activity. abandoned it for the time being. need to acquire bottle first, didn’t feel like carrying around piles of wet glass and terracotta in my pockets.

don’t you already KNOW everything there is to know about this place yet!!!?

coffin pool, you will be mine. soon. alright more later this has been long enough.

hmm what could you possibly want?

this is the house tim allen lived in in the santa clause. the outside of it was was used anyway. we cruised by a lot growing up on sunday drives. i love that movie. you see a lot of oakville.

allison‘s going away party. seriously, go away.

i look like a muppet.

new shade of red looks good.

i grabbed all these coasters cos the table was sticky/wet from the round of shots gill bought and our pitcher. no napkins or anything.

thanks to ME gill got her wallet back, didn’t even know she dropped it under the table i just happened to look under there cos people (me) kept moving my purse from chair to chair. lucky girl.

brozs7 quit his job tom cruise nervous breakdown styles in jerry maguire. ok not exactly but anyway, he’s a free man now.

i need to get a picture of the back of that dress jumper. allison i love your peach pumps.

bahahaha what can we call our band? and what the hell am i doing with my feet?

cadillac got a makeover. i hadn’t been there in ages.

this nite brad went from zero to wasted out of nowhere. funny.

yeah it was old even as we were doing it.

i think i tanned the day before?

stop showing off your stamp tattoo liam no one cares. jokes jokes.

haha coincidentally perfect random follow-up photo.

haw ha cadillac lounge get it?

hey liam old sport. i am glad that you are getting older.

i did not take this, i have no idea how to spell his name but dude is awesome.

brad remember what i said about commenting on my blog, you can do it.

this was extremely hilarious to me at the time and it still is, oh no the big black velvet rope please don’t reject me, pfft.

ACK! (cathy voice) this is killing my eyes right now.

drunkest pool game ever, they were playing in a molasses vortex. liam was waiting for the table to open yet didn’t put down a loonie so some other guy with a toque sitting on his head (hardcore) did.

they were pathetic, but a great show. the older guy could barely light a smoke yet whipped this aviator guy’s ass. liam narrated the entire thing from the sidelines, didn’t hold back at all. kid’s got balls.

i nursed two watered down pints with gingerale and ice (shandy) and had one shot of golds (i refuse REFUSE rEFUsE jager) but am still so wasted. oh wait we had a beer with our burritos. anyway, i’m a wicked light weight now.

click for teh awesome.

that hocked loogie sure brings out the green in your shoes.

original. red scarf + green shoes = christmas you knob.

then we hopped over to wrongbar to catch foxfire once matt had successfully nagged the shit out of me enough to go.

we bulldozed through the vip section cos we thought gill was working at that bar. wasn’t.

i like that girl’s get-up.

this guy scuba-dive tumbled backwards over the railing into us/the couch.

mom’s gettin’ impatient.

hey gill! her eyes always come out like laser beams in my photos cos her pupils are a very light blue. unfair.

lindsey, also prey to the laser beam eye photo syndrome.

hey are you two discussing what free drinks to give us?

LOVE the red/blue skirt. is it AA?

brosz7 we need to talk about wearing that jacket indoors when you are sweating your facial hair off. hey what are you slipping into your pocket there? blame it on good friday (boozestore closed) and the cupboards being dry.

welp, at least he died happy.

we’re gonna miss you allison! xoxo

stairway from raymi lauren on Vimeo.

landing this one hurt, all my innards went up into my chest. it was the last jump shot. party’s over.

that’s my hat in the background up there, the plank launched it.

whoops.

i wonder what takes place here.

photos by px