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stop emailing me.

stop commenting on my blog.

i do not CARE about your precious rob pattinson, a nobody regular dude who got lucky in landing a role playing a vampire out of a cult-followed book.

i do not have an STD because i encountered him in a bar.

i blogged about the experience because i knew it would receive a reaction, i was right, you are making yourselves out to look severely stupid and crazy.


i am not a whore because i had the privilege of spotting your vampire god and you, didn’t. that’s the issue here, you’re jealous and you have absolutely no reason to be, it was not an epic experiece, i was wasted and didn’t care and he was amused by that. you’d be crushed if you met him and he dismissed you, we chugged on cos we didn’t care and he knew it. (i actually was way more impressed and starstruck when talking to feist. i experienced ZERO starstruck feelings when meeting rob, sorry) i held back a lot in my anecdote about him actually and in fact, if i hadn’t of written about it you wouldn’t have one more thing to obsess over. maybe i should have saved you the mental anguish.

in summation, leave me the fucking hell alone.

ps. keira is likely going to get a nice little sum for the picture she took. HA ha.

oh and thanks for the traffic my hits are through the roof today. how ironic is it that the post entitled ALL THE SINGLE CRAZIES is the one you are freaking the hell out over, google-search quoting repetitively, and harassing me about.


you are the reason the poor guy didn’t leave his hotel for 3 weeks.


  1. Oh lord, the twihards have sought you out for harassment? Because you dared imply that their demigod was less than sparkly edward cullen-esque perfection? Is there any corner of the internet they won’t stick their noses into, even if that corner has nothing to do with Twilight? I would encourage you to keep egging ‘em on but I fear they might rise to the challenge in spectacularly asinine fashion rather than back down. Ugh, I typed two things I thought they might do and then erased them because heaven forbid I should give them any ideas.

    Keep strong. And happy belated birthday.

  2. Twilight reminds me of that line in Ghost World. It’s so bad, it’s gone past good, and back to bad again. I read all of the books over a week or so… It killed more braincells than any amount of drinking ever could. I’m waiting for the movie to be available free on cable, so I can put myself into a permanent vegetative state. I was totally confused about why the books were so over-the-top popular, but then I remembered that 99% of people are fucking retarded (especially teenaged girls).

  3. Twilight fans won’t get boyfriend because they learned from the books that sex is really bad and you should never do it. And also vampires are sparkly.

  4. he said he hadn’t really left his hotel for three weeks cos of all the girls. wait is this a fucking twilight fan talking to me? ugh it is

    seriously chick, find something else to do with your time. you are relentless hounds, look what you’re doing to some unrelated blogger. get a clue. of course he hid out in his hotel, the circus-frenzy surrounding him right now is akin to beatlemania except way gayer.

  5. Eff…Tweeny Twilight freaks are the worst.
    My best friend met him at The Roxy a few weeks ago and he was mega rude to her too.

    Mr.Pattinson needs to get over himself and stop showing up at all the clubs and bars in Vancouver every night if he don’t want to be recognized!

  6. Eff…Tweeny Twilight freaks are the worst.
    My best friend met him at The Roxy a few weeks ago and he was mega rude to her too.

    Mr.Pattinson needs to get over himself and stop showing up at all the clubs and bars in Vancouver every night if he doesn’t want to be recognized!

  7. I read them too. At the suggestion of a friend who said it will remind me of youthful times – must be the bad writing part of the books. Oh the angst. I had a love-hate experience with them.

    PS I have a feeling this post will do nothing to dissuade them. I am sending you all the patience I can muster.

  8. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said it’s jealousy that is causing the backlash. The fans are jealous that you got to talk to him (myself included) and it is only intensified by your not so great experience and the fact that you haven’t read the books. The fact is that this craziness would have followed any actor that played the role of Edward. Robert comes across in interviews like he understands this, and since his fans read every article they can find with his name in it (myself included) then it’s hard for them to imagine that he would come off as arrogant. That doesn’t give anyone the excuse to harass you just because that’s how you perceived him. I bet people’s reaction to your comments about him would have been totally different if you did like the books. Women, not just teens, get so emotionally tied to the story in these books (myself included) that they can’t imagine anyone not liking it. And take great offense to someone who makes fun of it without knowing much about it. These crazy commenters are giving Twilight fans a bad name.

  9. i like that they are choosing to spend their friday nite on my blog. i am getting swamped by hits from private/closed livejournals and other various messageboards and google clubs.

    hey amy would they have preferred it if i was a book fan and said we had made out? or if i wasn’t a fan and said we made out?

    why am i the bad guy here for speaking the truth? whether i read the books or not is moot, i’m hated because i didn’t read them AND i had the nerve to approach him, pfft. retarded. there are many people who haven’t read my blog but do the people who DO read it rag on them? to each their own. should i be made to feel sheepish just for breathing the same air as him at a party? this is all ridiculous to me. so much is being built up in the heads of these fans based on the details that were kindly omitted. the fact of the matter is, it doesn’t matter what i said, there would have been a flip out all the same cos of the level of obsession surrounding this guy. i could have said we knitted a scarf together and chicks would lose their minds.

    anyway hi miss you!

  10. This is by no means a perfect analysis of the books, but it touches on some of the major points:

    If you read the comments you’ll see that not many Mormons agree, and yet many of the author’s points are consistent with what the Mormon fans are saying on their various websites. Still, if you bring these points up in a conversation with a Mormon they’ll likely reply “That’s not the Mormonism I practice” or something to that effect, but if you were a Mormon offering the same commentary in a positive way they’d politely nod their heads. Shrug.

    If you want something more scholarly, I recommend “Mormon Vampires: The Twilight Saga and Religious Literacy”

  11. Raymi, you should create page so that when I search for (“raymi lauren” “Robert Pattinson” fanfic) something comes up. (“raymi lauren” “Robert Pattinson” nude sexay “vampire love”) would also work.

  12. can you copy and paste some of these facts im eating chinese food and drinking right now. also i thought magic (vampires) goes against christ teachings/beliefs.

  13. i didnt notice any christian undertones in the books, and i’m on of those atheists that spends half my life ranting about that kinda thing. ok maybe not, but i surely would have noticed. they did avoid any mention of sex, and when it came up in the last book it was vague and awkward and hardly even PG. but that’s probably just an effort not to get the series banned. i mean, it already has vampires — so it’s close to censorship the line for psycho religious types, anyway.

    i dunno… if you consider “boring as shit” a christian undertone, i guess it fits…

  14. I gotta run, but here are a few from that blog for you to chew on:

    1) Mormons believe in deification – you can become a god or goddess through their various rituals and practices. Certainly that is what Meyer’s vampires portray

    2) The Vampires are living their afterlife. The Cullens, however, have evolved to a higher plane of existence compared to the other vampires. Bella even wonders in book 2 or 3 if Edward can move to an even higher existence if he were to actually die, because of his goodness (the dead, deader…).

    4) Book 4 starts with a Celestial marriage. In a LDS sacred marriage ceremony, a man and a woman make covenants to God and to each other and are sealed as husband and wife for time and all eternity.

    5) Bella is sacrificed and resurrected. Of course Bella has been so prepared by Edward’s family, and her heart is so pure, she doesn’t even have the normal human devouring adjustment period. The death and resurrection scene is intense in book four, made palatable and acceptable to the outsiders (werewolves and family) by the sacrifice she is making to birth a miracle child, Reneseme.

    6) Bella is a frustrating character. She is instantly in love with this hundred year old vampire who watches over her (literally when she is sleeping, she calls him her angel). Edward introduces her to a new world of sophistication and eroticism, protects her, is omnipresent and literally in book 2 sucks out her soul.

  15. Jonathan, I think that most/all of those points are reaching more than a little bit. You can read just about anything you want to into any piece of art (not that Twilight is art… but I’d actually say it’s somewhat easier in this case, even, since Meyer provides so little substance of her own.) A lot of the themes mentioned above are really just so prevalent in North American society as to be meaningless or cliché.

    It reminds me of crap I’d come up with for essays I was writing at the last minute in HS after skimming through the reading.

    I’m sure Meyr’s Mormon upbringing has influenced her in general, which would obviously show itself to some extent in her writing, but the only thing I really found noticeable to any extent was the whole sex before marriage hoobajoob. The books were certainly nowhere near the level of C.S. Lewis allegory, or I would have vomited 10x more.

    And yeh, I need to get the ranting on my own site where it belongs. ’tis true :) I tend to just spread my blathering all over the internet instead of saying blerp, go look at my blog, yo. I’d rather have it all compiled. Because yes, I *am* a blabbermouth/blathermouth!

  16. Oh geeze, so that’s why your site wouldn’t load today. Sadly unsurprised that it was due to too much traffic by the crazies. People will throw hissyfits about anything – especially things that don’t matter.

  17. This series has a massive Mormon audience and it’s constantly discussed by Mormons as having a Mormon message. You may disagree with their interpretation, but if they think it’s a Mormon book, and Meyer acknowledges that her Mormonism has leaked into the series, and scholars are identifying Mormon connections, well, if It Looks Like Duck And Walks Like A Duck …

    You could argue that the book presents a particular world view, but not necessary Mormon, and I would agree with that, but in the end, after we’ve identified and agreed upon all of these little facts and patterns, we’re going to end up coming back to a world view that has been highly influenced by Meyer’s environment. We can certainly criticize it on those grounds without even touching Mormonism.

  18. Jonathan:

    Who cares if it has Mormon undertones?

    Countless other fictional works have religious undertones, and it’s not made out to be brainwashing;If someone has a religious upbringing, it will show in their work, because that’s the life they know.

    Anyway, I haven’t read the books. I just tend to lose it when people suddenly pinpoint a (any) religion and claim they have ulterior motives. Meyer didn’t write the book to create a tool for converting non-mormons. They have missionaries for that.


  19. Hailey, I suppose people care to the extent that they dislike Mormonism or find religiously colored narratives distracting. If it’s obvious, it may distract from the story. Mormons care because they see something in mainstream fiction that they can identify with.

    Yep, you’re right. A lot of fiction has religious, political, and ideological undertones. Some writers are admittedly more foreceful than others. Some authors like to beat their readers over the head with their message. Terry Goodkind, for example, is really big into Ayn Rand. It shows in his books, and makes you feel like you’re part of a seminar on Objectivism. Some people are okay with that, others not so much.

    I identified the Mormon stuff in the first Twilight book, but kept reading, so I guess I don’t care. Personally, I’m more concerned about the fact that the two main love interests in the book are pricks, and Bella is about as obnoxious as any character I’ve ever come across in fiction. That’s just me though.

  20. Who’s fighting. Let me be more concise for once. The Twilight series was noticeably Written By a Mormon, but they are not Mormon Books. The Narnia books are Christian Books (with an intentionally Christian allegorical message). I like them anyway, but yes, I do find it somewhat distracting when I reread them. The only thing I was distracted by about Twilight was that it sucked.

  21. Your letter to the Twilight fanatics was absolutely beautiful! You are a satirist of the highest order. In the room with Leacock, O’Rourke, and Sedaris. Keep writing what you feel, Raymi. Nothing is sacred, everything is funny.

  22. hahahaha…..i ALMOST rented that movie just to see the gay sparkly vamps. hav u seen lost boys part 2 with corey feldman? went straight to video (duh), haven’t seen it (yet?).

  23. “circus-frenzy surrounding him right now is akin to beatlemania except way gayer.” HAHAHAH

    i have no idea who that guy is, but this post is incredible.

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