dude on the right, friend of friend of friend, (don’t worry probably won’t see this post, but if so, s’up?) started hittin’er early, so by the time we show up to the queen’s head (think modestest pub in town your grandparents have their steak n kidney pies for supper at, or, maybe even bangers ‘n mash!) for half past 9 these guys are watered! blue shirt is even falling asleep sitting up, smashed a glass just before we arrived and the waitress was like ok i’ll give you one more drink if you pinky swear you won’t break the glass. then pitt shows up, we have two tables squished together so me and him are facing these guys, fil is to my left chatting up a storm over there, and then blue shirt keels over in slow-mo (havin’ another nap i s’pose) and he takes out not one but TWO empty chairs in his descent and now he’s on the carpetted floor and the round table of silverheads behind him are all oh my why i never and all that like fully disgusted and i am elbowing fil as hard as i possibly can like you just missed the most hilarious thing that is going to fucking happen tonite dude, he saw the aftermath, leather jacket buddy goes over and helps him up, rights him, silverheads table set the chairs up, and his coat was on the floor for like 20 minutes after when one silverhead finally picks it up out of yet more disgust hahaha. pitt was like i am so jealous that should be ME right now.

ok that’s all.

oh on my other laptop i have a picture of him stabbing a can of beer with a knife and shotgunning it in like two seconds flat from last st. patrick’s day.

and hey look you gothy little shitbags, coffin pool!

< insert suicide drowning joke >

oh right the other nite after we walked out of the fox cos it was so slammed we went across to the regal (really guys, there is absolutely NOTHING regal about that joint)(and i know this cos one guy was StaRiNG at me over fil’s shoulder hard like i was the most regal thing in the world) so i go to the john to take a you-know-what, so ladies, you know when you gotta go but one mechanism down there doesn’t really get it so you’re pushing and then turns out you’re numbering 1-ing and number 2-ing at the same time (but the second one is dainty and rose-like of course) and this simultaneous action causes a jet stream effect with your wizz and it defies gravity and shoots over the brim all over the floor in front of you and at your feet, am i the only person this has happened to? is that talent or what? so anyway i’m looking down at this, well, puddle and think to myself “self, this is exactly the type of place where pee would be on the floor of their toilet and it would be understandable” but then i thought to myself “well, it’s the least i could do for them by sopping it up” and at the time i thought this was truly hysterical and that i should blog this, for you guys. incredible.

i should kill this blog.

*update: not ONLY did i think this was hysterical, i thought i was being really generous, so that was the seed what sprouted my giggle fit in the loo of the non-regalest bar in toronto with my piss all over the floor of.

me: did u read this post

Phil: oh totally
it was funny

a bunch of celebrities saying their favourite swear word.

these fucking things are still on me.

my pics from last nite are crap, waiting on fil’s.

i just lugged up from the parking garage a bin of 20ish assorted bottles of brews and other booze things, fil’s pals charity upon him long-forgotten beers stored in their basements, brought over for parties and whatever, too gauche to drink ‘em themselves, or excuse to have fil over? anyway, my kidney is hurting now, i’m not so good with the bending over and crouching and hoisting and carrying. why’d i bother then? well i was curious to see what was there.

then i spent the last 3 minutes fighting with the cable box and tv with the remote control from the couch, you have to point the remote between the tv and the box and have them both pick up the zap from hitting power simultaneously, it must be precise, and 9/10 it fucking ISN’T! so then i try to block the signal with my finger while trying again, basically the tv is on cable box light off (wow this was hella more interesting in my head when i initially decided to share this shitty anecdote) so i do this back and forth 30 times instead of just getting up and turning the tv on manually at which point i am like wow my life needs more pizazz.

i am also wearing my new favourite girl guide outfit again tonite for st. pat’s, fuck green and fuck you! no not you, just you know, that one person who will predictably say HAAA-AAAAAY YOU’RE NOT WEARING ANY GREEEE-EEEEEN and usually that person is me, but not this year, woh no. (despite asking fil for updates all day long about whether anyone noticed his green tie or my green flower pin and if he was going to win the most green prize)(he didn’t)(no one got to see his greenery cos he was in meetings all day) (but he got to eat an expensive lunch of swordfish so don’t feel sorry for him!)(yes he told everyone i bought him that tie and it was my flower pin)(what was i just saying about more pizazz?)

anyway, i wish i could regale you with what i really felt like regaling you with right now, which would involve my two favourite things ‘SHIT’ and ‘TALK’ – oh well, maybe in another life.

back to my kidney, wtf? guess i should finally book that scan.

oh fil is home, loblaws sent me a ten dollar gift card from the wood i found in my spinach. that’s it!? what about my tv spot and trip to bermuda? cheapskates.

boringest way to spend a sunday, watching a warbly vhs tape from the 80s about nature in this dark cave, by yourself.

why?

oh marion, your stories are so funny because you have a ponytail and that gives you extra self confidence, magic, pure magic.

nicolai, after we hit civello to get your various hair products, can we get lube from condom shack please?

disgusting.

i wore this shirt pretty much all weekend long.

red breast vs. jameson’s.

taken just as pitt told us his brother is gonna be a dad.

fatty bombatti.

a collaboration.

pitt’s rendering of fil, cid, jeremy, chad and i. bidding is now open.

sauna in our building that’s been out of order since we moved in, i didn’t realise it was so big. fix it already!

everlasting bubbles.

the dude at las iguanas was a DICK to me sat’nite, i asked him to turn the music up (i requested ten million songs on the juke and it was whisper volume) and twenty minutes goes by, doesn’t do it (before all this we were chatting him up it was good we all got along no probs) then i ask again and he personality changes on the spot, snaps at me YOU KNOW HONEY THAT IS ON THE VERY BOTTOM OF MY LIST OF PRIORITIES RIGHT NOW! (he might even have thrown an f-word in there somewhere, can’t remember verbatim but his tone was disgusting) then everyone at the wrap around U-shaped bar goes quiet, hella awkward, and i’m telling my eyes to NOT pinprick tears out do not give that piece of shit the satisfaction (yes i am a sensitive idiot) (pitt and i were also in the middle of discussing why the one pearl jam song playing that i had requested was so signif. ie. already on my way to cryingville) i whisper to pitt and fil ok guys drink up! we do, we are all thinking the same thing like wtf just happened there? then fil snaps to life DUDE GET US OUR BILL RIGHT NOW, RIGHT FUCKING NOW! slams down twenty bones and storms out. pitt and i get the rest of the money in order, (tipped less than two bucks on a 38 dollar bill) and pitt asks me if i ever plan to go back there again, i say well i’d like to as in no don’t destroy everything in your wake on the way out ok?

i really didn’t get it, i didn’t ask in a bitchy way, i had jokey tone on, the bar wasn’t that slammed so no need for total freak out, and even if you didn’t feel like turning it up, SAY SO LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING WITH MANNERS, and yes it is your priority to keep the music flowing and your custies happy.

holy shit, pitt asked what the hell is it with me and bartenders?

the last time i get, but this time, so uncalled for.

i was also wearing knee socks and that stupid flight attendant older sister with zero sex appeal dress, how can anyone yell at someone in a get-up like that? that’s like punching out a librarian.

cos there’ll be lots more where them beasts came from

firstly, according to whomever measured this in 1963, i am 5’9.

oh i just remembered i was wearing my boots, nevermind.

so close.

fil’s sister’s new place, more of that later. they have a coffin-shaped pool in the backyard.

fil had zero patience to wait in the car queue to get into the maple syrup whatever in mountsberg so we went to crawford lake instead. i don’t even like maple syrup, it makes my stomach churn (ever since i ate a maple sugar candy when i was a kid), i was kinda looking forward to puking up my hangover in front of a bunch of kids though, hangover + maple syrup, ungh.

nice parenting.

these guys still only 25 cents, good to see.

st. pat’s flower.

no ghosting!

yesterday was fully a stuff white people like day, sundays, walks, nature, torturing your children with all of the above.

gettin’ a lil bored at this point, and weak, i refused a bite of fil’s nature’s garbage ‘n oats snack he bought.

fil reconnecting with his people’s roots.

sustenance, biting on one almost tore a tooth right out of the side of my head.

dear raymi

Gary/Gerard Abbatte
bummyup@yahoo.com

feat. jack black

this

and the sequel oh man i’m inspired…

to recreate these