movie stills from when i was a burlesque dancer in a movie i haven’t even seen yet.

girl stalkers are the worst.

i can masturbate to babel.

don’t lie to me it’s fucking amway i know it!

OMG RAP CAT! OMG OMG

this movie sucked.

i am Imyar McJew.

oh and then we watched the pink panther and i laughed louder and harder than everyone else and fil was embarrassed.

pitt came into town last nite many stupid things happened

raymi: ok no i won’t shit my pants but i mite

fine i will remember this

now i am depressed for that guy looking like clay aiken more than that guy maybe BEING clay aiken.

woah.

praying is selfish.

oh and then he drove to ottawa and marched into CSIS and wigged out then got formed.

oh merkley

even tykes dig the minx!

when i got my new camera.

waited for death to take me but then i ran out of chips and had to go downstairs in the dark to get more because eating chips can save your life.

Jamie:
oh yeah
also
that guy who “reviewed” your blog
how come anytime anyone “stumbles” onto your blog, (they never know how they got there) They always try so hard to sound non-chalant about it. “I guess she’s some kind of this or that…” they’re never committed or say, “this blog is great, and here’s why.” It’s always, “For some strange reason I can’t turn away.”

my bruised ass

fuck the duke, nerd blog party.

menstrual bloggers

me: lots of drinking

me and fil discuss jambalaya

me: i am wearing a practise outfit
i am practising wearing it to see if it is sufficient to wear out in public

i was trying get some cool people show up cos we were trapped in a nerd vortex and needed help

it is good i am the last person to see it so what i say doesn’t even matter anyway.

me: your feces do not help the planet

curious george boots party of one.

me: you are being a controlling misogynist all yer “loveswomen” philogynist nonsense is a total lie and i am exposing it

me and xenia are friends.

sloppy gin nite

hi

shoe museum party

last nite i watched parts of madonna’s confessions tour and holy crap it is going to change my life i decided i am going to have a dancer’s body again and i am going to achieve this without walking into a gym.

you could also say the pistol they carry is symbolic why i don’t know or care cos everytime it is mentioned i get scared because that means something dangerous is happening or about to happen.

i totally have some catty things to say about a couple other bloggers but i think i will hold back the bullshit for once in my life.

fil got a new camera and the fights have already begun.

haha diner’s club who are you fil, steve martin in plains, trains, and automobiles?

fil’s new job is to take my picture he said he is going to get rich and famous off my body, he probably will.

wheee!

what else is new?

ok we cant talk about food anymore.

samir burned those tights with a cigarette.

in case you forgot how sad, pervy, lame, pathetic, and desperate men are i give you teddy babes

i just realised that it is march break and i was on the toilet evacuating my hangover bowels and then i thought KIDS ARE ON VACATION RIGHT NOW AS IN AT A PARK OR PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND HANGING OUT AT THE MALL THOSE FUCKING ASSHOLES!

I AM GHOSTY LOHAN

the departed review.

white people love to recycle.

Phil: you should get into drinking tomato juice for a high

i love kirsten dunst LEAVE HER ALONE PEREZ HILTON!

too bad there wasn’t internet back then i would have written on my marie antoinette blog YOU ARE ALL COCK-LICKING LIARS I DID NOT SAY LET THEM EAT CAKE THAT IS THE LAMEST ZING EVER!

man if i was in the bath right now i would have to sit very still so they couldnt hear the water

read this

starving!

i canNOT fucking believe merkley got to play the canadian card to be profiled by cbc’s the hour when he DOESN’T EVEN KNOW WHAT PEAMEAL BACON IS!

i would totally murder someone for that sandwich right now.

merkley???: got this email from a 16 year old today
u r such a mother fucker!!!!!!!!! how could u hate horses u r a cheap ass hoe who does not know his ass from his head you probably dont even have a brain you cheap ass mother fucker fuck you up ur fucking ass you ass whole!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RIP charlie the cat

cid is fat and lazy

irish you a happy st. patrick’s day

more like PARTYSON’S!

surprise!

oh, so we’re not eating dinner? -samir

rabbit pork party

go out for dinner, go home blasted out of your mind with a wine fridge, a bindle of dough and many bottles of red wine and cake. lucky fucks!

this dress no longer fits right, gill has first dibs on it.

fil does not feel my flight attendant dress, not giving it up though, he can blow me.

or a black eye, or bleeding gums, or all three.

when your boyfriend suggests having a pushing competition, say no.

sunday internet sucks.

don’t think i’m not saving up postsecrets to blast in one huge post ok?

donate some/more moohla to these guys if you can.

sooooooooo sick right now, yesterday was THE WORST!

so we went to insomnia to eat, it was crap.

i had to send the grilled calamari back, it was too fishy, and they gave me a huge portion of it (it was an app.) which is a tip-off that it went bad, or is about too. then all nite long i had a queasy stomach and ate 5 pepto bismols and we watched american gangster, longest movie ever. dug it.

this coffee martini, also crap.

i also ordered the prosciutto wrapped asparagus, not bad, you can’t really fuck that one up though can you? fil had the danforth pizza, it was meh. i asked what was on it, garbage collected from the streets of the danforth? then we fucked off when this bachelorette party showed up. this should be called the places we eat and will never eat again blog. remind me to tell you about jugo juice at union station.

me right now. phlegmbot.

do you want a picture with the jager girls? yes i mean no, can we have a picture w/o you in it? no? ok fine. lucas looks drunk out of his mind (eyes closed) and i am wearing one of my many winningest outfits.

worst best oufit i ever invented.

i am the most graceful woman in the world, just will you look at my legs, will you? now can you do that? i’m in 5 directions at once. jealous.

the polish cuckoo clock

fil sure is a lucky dude.

cops + charlies angels + meth

the steeple

THE DUI DRUNK TEST

this tile-ripper is the TETRIS RETARD

this one’s called WINDSTORM!

this move is the walker (with a lightning bolt through it as a bonus).

uhhhhh

well, at least my cardigan and pants match.

i’m such a good dancer i can move even when i’m standing on my own foot, don’t think i need to tell you how many close calls there were.

the busted leg mummy

the yoko ono, this one is easy, all you have to do is spend two years growing out your hair, then you go to a dark bar and practice primal scream therapy.

we can barely figure out how to hold each other’s hands.

Q: when a white person is asked, so you think you can dance, what is the right answer?

A: DOES IT MATTER!?

ps. i couldn’t even make out what we were even dancing to the entire time, extra points for that.

does anyone know if the renovations at the h&m on bloor are finished yet?

last nite i interviewed george for the music therapy trust fund at the steamwhistle for weaselpalooza’s fundraiser/silent auction, gill came at me and said hey strombo’s coming interview him. what? me? ok! what? i was going to wing it and try to be funny and ask some dumb question but then i saw this other girl writing things down AND she had some sort of recording device what!? so melodie gave me a few questions cos my mind was totally blank and off i went. hey hi how are you remember me oh yeah great what are you doing here oh you know jusshangin’ ok i’m going to ask you some questions now blalblabllalaha. i recorded it with my camera, and half way through that kid rock guy (the original, you out of torontonians have no idea, but we have our own kid rock here, it’s true, before kid rock was kid rock, WE had kid rock) shows up and shoves his camera in george’s face i’m all uh interview going on here. george is buddies with our friend jeff marek, who now hosts hockey night in canada on sirius satellite radio, and also looks like christian bale, so we had to tell george that his friend looks like batman, here is the original post where i expose jeff’s baleness, excuse the full on haggardness of my face in that one picture, yikes!

this is what our kid rock looks like, he has a website too, i don’t want to link to it, you can just google it:

he’s basically like russell oliver aka the cash man, a total fucking institution, for the sole reason of over the top and constant self-promotion.

we caught a new commercial for russell oliver on the spanish channel last nite when we were looking for porn, the dude knows his audience, this specific commercial stars russell and a few slutty chicks partying down to techno music and a bunch of cheesy graphics.

fil had a nap before we went out.

so at this auction i bid on like 10 things, i was out of control, those bright white lights and the fresh pages in front of all the items, and the jack daniels, and the pens, yeah totally i need a melted vinyl record molded into a bracelet, and fil, he needs a 200 dollar guitar signed by lenny kravitz (that was his doing, he said he was going to flip it on ebay, i’m glad he was outbid on that). i won nothing. not even the fucking girl’s movie night dvds that i was first to bid on and was expressly told there were three sets for that (WENDI I WANT MONA LISA SMILE!) all i wanted was to see my stupid name on that power point thing at the end. sigh.

other than all that it was a complete fucking gong show which equals totally awesome time, everyone got sloppy and stupid, i had a lot of fun, and there were lots of fancy snacks! next time can you assholes tell me to take off my media badge necklace though, i missed the memo on that, holy umburrussing!

oysters!

so much for my diet!

i almost bid on that bag of chocolate, then i remembered i’m not a fat ass, and i don’t like chocolate. i’d give it to my dad.

i didn’t win that kurt painting either.

so glad he didn’t win this.

oh and here are my big hangover tits the second i woke up this morning, yeah yeah they’re not colossal, over it already.

eskimo hangover.

everyone went to wrongbar, we didn’t go, it was 20 after 1, we were already cocked and just wanted to go home and bang, and we did. brad was so junked up (drunk) he told me he was going to karate chop me in my fucking face, that kid weighs like 93lbs i threw him into a wall with one finger. oh and he forgot to get the jagermeister underwear he won out of my purse and fil is wearing it right now, with the matching t-shirt i won for him, burn on brad.

what did you kids get up to last nite?

good news i found this year’s suit

then to set the mood, slip into the evening seamlessly like so