ok so here is my muchly anticipated irritating movie theatre experience post. we went to see no country for old men, a movie based on the book with the same title by the guy who also wrote the road, very scary shit, good scary. so we are fans from the get go of this film, kind of an invitation for people to get on my nerves, anyway, way to go cosmos of the universe.

so we are in the very back top row on the right (from looking at the screen’s perspective) and the theatre is empty, we are early, and thinking how awesome, less people to piss me off by. now, as an aside, i don’t know why i am incapable of tuning people out who do things like breathe and eat popcorn and clear their throats WAY TOO MUCH, i’m not proud of this crotchety trait i’ve got and i know it rubs some of you bitches the wrong way when you read these posts of mine where i am explaining in minute detail a social exchange that lasted two seconds and the outcome is me right, them wrong. maybe it’s a form of autism i dunno, if i am watching a movie the entire room has to be silent, i cannot focus on things if there are external noises, in fact, i fly off the fucking handle if there are external noises made by YOU, anything, foot tapping, pen tapping, ungh.

so four teenage-type dudes gather near us to the right and are talking through the entire previews, fil has a rule where he lets people talk through previews and then asks them politely to be quiet when they are finished. WRONG. previews are meant for me to be sucked into and assist in the tuning out of people’s noises all around me, previews are meant for me to decide which movie i want to see in a month’s time and be annoyed in a movie theatre all over again, and how can i fall in love with a movie if FOUR GUYS ARE TALKING AND LAUGHING AND YELLING OVER ITS TRAILER? they snuck in booze too, i know, i saw, so they’re talking louder than they are aware of and now two chicks are beside fil, and one is talking on her phone (and continued to do so throughout the film, left, we took their seats halfway through the movie, they come back, then she talked on the phone some more wtf???) i wait for three previews to be over, well, the third one i was actually interested in and couldn’t hear any of it, you’re supposed to be able to hear at least some words in a movie theatre right? the volume is set to blasting.

i get the hot body tingle because i know i’m going to DO IT i lean over while the dorks are guffawing and yelling and speak into one’s ear EXCUSE ME CAN YOU STOP TALKING? it takes a second or two for a reaction then he turns and the other guy is looking up at me and i do a big showy nod with my head like a schoolteacher reprimanding you, they nodded yep yes sorry and then all is well in the universe.

WRONG.

so i’m high off my bravery and the theatre is still filling up (never going early to a movie ever again because without fail some asshole will sit beside you at the very last second and steal away your false sense of movie theatre silence security) and some dudes sit beside me and we pile all the jackets on the chair between us, cool now i have a noise barrier, but just as the movie begins this woman with a large bag of popcorn walks all the way up the stairs passing empty seats left and right, zeroing in on that seat with the sky high mountain of shit on it, and asks me (the sucker) if it is free.

movie theatre law should state that i get an empty seat for my jacket and purse and whatever other garbage i collect along the way, i should not have to sit for two hours with a collection of goods at my feet while some woman wearing the hugest jacket i have ever seen in my LIFE loudly eats popcorn IN MY EAR hogging MY armrest i secured a half hour ago, going oooh ahh cringe cringe throughout the film that i have been eager to see for months, i got there on time, GO SIT IN THE FUCKING FRONT ROW. like, don’t you know you’re a stranger? no one likes strangers. i had to sit stock-still with my back 90 degrees UNCOMFORTABLE by her too-close proximity, what a fucking buzzkill, i was being polite enough not to go into her comfort zone, but did she return the favour?

i couldn’t believe it, i seriously thought i was being punk’d or something, why is every annoying theatre cliche scattered around me right now, why god why?

and she had her leg crossed so her foot was in my foot area, ate her popcorn one at a time and chewed with her mouth open, stared at fil through the corner of her eye and when gory stuff happened made saliva gasp cringe noises that i don’t know how to describe in type, and she asked why? a lot too and somehow thought we were friends together or something, lady, DON’T LOOK AT ME.

oh the movie was great, totally awesome, and you should read the book too.

when it was finished i ran down the stairs and out of there so fast, normally i do the two-step for safety reasons but not this time, eat my dust everyone.

OH and the four dudes i asked to be quiet, everytime the bad dude (psychotic killer with a sense of humour apparently) killed someone, the guys would cheer and high five and go YES! it was disgusting. they were identifying with the murderer WAY TO GO FUTURE LEADERS!

this time, i mean it, i am NEVER paying money to go inside of a movie theatre again, ever.

another thing, the girl on the phone beside fil kept going oh no, no, oh no, uh oh, whenever something bad was shown on the screen or the bad mojo was about to happen like she had a crystal ball sixth sense about it, do you know how annoying that is to listen to when you’ve read the book and already know what’s going to happen before it happens and then some genius is helping foreshadow it along for you?

i am moving into a cave to await the end of the world with those russian cultists, if you need me.

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re-linking the review for that lets all hate toronto post in honour of that dude trying to defend the santa claus parade’s garbage aftermath.