no make-up, no shower, sick as hell, partying.

awesome couple, she’s like 20 years younger, at least AND she’s flipping me off haha.

nice black beach socks, nice towel dress, go back to europe.

strange loner beach cruiser woman kept walking up and down the beach, had her little backpack and towel nearby.

oh man this is going to be funny, get ready to laugh guys.

i forgot to complain about how my entire life everyone has been saying my name wrong, it’s luh-ren but you have to say it fast like it’s no big deal and it’s a deep Luh sound so on top of waiting forever for my name to be called, they call me Loren – BARF, call me barf instead why don’t you! or Lorne michaels. and then the teacher makes this big grand showy effort to pronounce all the last names of my fellow portuguese and polish classmates, (polish last names are mental) and yet YOU CANNOT GO THE FUCKING DISTANCE TO GET MY NAME RIGHT!? the most whitest standard easiest 80’s name. if i was some ukranian chick you wouldn’t think twice about saying marta instead of martha, i have been discriminated against my entire life and yes i DEMAND reparations for it. like, now.

also, you can gauge if i like or give a shit about you based on whether or not i correct your mispronunciation. the nurse at my family doctor’s office calls me Loren, meh don’t care, she’s a cold bitch, not worth it, not like we are going to be pals.

hmm now that i’m thinking of it i feel like really sticking it to her but she would be like yeah so? then call me loren again.

i liked when supply teachers would fuck up my name then try and fight with me about the spelling of it like it should be spelled differently, yeah oh really? did you write a letter to the word “gnaw” as well? it was funny when my peers whom all of course loved/feared/were in awe of me, would correct the teacher/s on my behalf and get in wicked shit for it the hyper-spazz ones i’d be sitting at my desk looking down at my shit ignoring the teacher (passive aggression) and somone would snap IT’S LuuuhREN! then they would get a lecture on attitude and talking out of turn and i would give them the eyes like play on dude fight the battle you’re awesome!

sigh, elementary school, i’m gonna coast off your reputation ’til i’m 50.

+++

AND NOW IT’S TIME FOR A RAYMI DREAM!

another dream email featuring you

Hi there Lauren, or Raymi if you prefer, this is the commenter you know as
Helmüt.

Since other people always seem to email you about dreams they had, I thought I might too. Basically, I went to your blog as usual and turns out you had written 3 posts about my aunt and uncle and cousins whom you had somehow met, and you had pictures and everything, and you were making fun of them (not maliciously, deservedly). I wanted to leave you a comment saying Guess what, that’s actually my family, it’s a small world, etc. and tell you more about my cousin who likes expensive things, like his $2000 Gucci wallet (true story).

That’s it. PS: Now that you’ve posted several of these Raymi-dreams on the blog itself, how many nutjobs email you with stuff like this every week??

K

i get one everyday or every other day, somedays i get three dreams at once! and your cousin sounds like a limp tool, i would totally make fun of him and his wallet love raymi.

i just watched black snake moan and it cured me of my horrible stomach pain nausea and now i just want to nosedive a bucket of kfc. the power of my illness has fil convinced his stomach is fucked too i swear to god if this is because of that mackerel i will flip, no way of knowing though, and i think cid would be heaving by now or dead.

yesterday i google image searched fish ‘n chips don’t do it cos now i can’t stop thinking about it.

oh i have been awake since 6am hunched over on the couch clutching my stomach and convincing myself i have meningitis and i am too fargone haven’t caught it in time and i will die in a hospital bed later with lesions all over my face like rene russo in outbreak, that’s how fucked i get about puking and feeling nauseous, it is like the apocalypse. we crashed around 1 or so, best long weekend ever!

i can’t believe i know rene russo’s name.

remember when sars happened? it coincided with my nervous breakdown so i of course thought i was a carrier monkey for the disease and oh man nevermind, EMBARRASSING!

i guess i probably picked something up from the clinic when i had my physical.

haha i just looked at this post-it note i scribbled on last nite in a wine sickness hallucination daze so i wouldn’t forget to blog about it today.

the first thing is to blog about the alphabet (i know, awesome) and then talk about how my last name is white and do you know how it feels to be close to last on the roll-call at school and i was going to make it really impassioned and you guys would probably weep for me fuck global warming i am oppressed! i got the idea fom mad tv and how the cast is listed alphabetically. gem i tell you, you’re welcome!

the next thing i wrote down was a new blog title:

bipolar hilarious!

i re-read some of my raymistore descriptions last nite and was like who wrote this whoever they are they are fucking hysterical oh it was me? goddamn! and so on then i read some of it out loud to fil too cos i just couldn’t get enough of the funny and it had to be shared.

christina ricci sings in black snake moan and she sounds like a six year old and it made me uncomfortable.

we went to the island i am sick as hell i do not need to see another overweight spoiled loudmouth kid ever again. i brought one of those wine bags that look like something a piece of shit hippie would drink out of, but something like water. we hung around ward’s island it’s so great there so laidback and i dunno, like the south, no one cares, everyone is fucking weird and blows the annex’s whimsical out of the sky, there’s a clubhouse and lawn bowling thing and weird pointless ironwork art creations it felt like the wickerman.

i am typing to fil from across the room right now on gchat and he is answering me out loud saying oh come on lauren! just wait until he catches this shit, he is a million per cent more of a pill when he is sick.

me: you don’t love me
im sick deathly ill and all you care about is your camera
if something happens to me just remember that i always loved you
farewell
….

Phil: we’ll always have… the islands…

oh i met with amy today and gave her the cougar sweater from raymistore and i gave her a bunch of other shit too she asked if i wanted more money for it i said no man it’s good to get rid of it, i showed up unshowered and late.

i have some shitty funny anecdotes but i am too ill to bother i didn’t wear make-up today that’s how sick i am!

oh i went for a tan.

at the beach fil didn’t even take off his shoes, buzzkill enough? so then i put my shoes back on and we looked like the biggest losers. i wore my purple sequined ‘kini top cos of the you know, “mental problems” or something. why are kids so fat these days? or were they always fat? they wobble around demanding and screaming like, uh, fuck off? i’m pretty sure 6 is too young to have a thyroid problem.

+++

MADONNA COMMENTED ON MY BLOG!!!!!1111111

From one superstar to another I just wished to say that Guy and I enjoy your blog of a Sunday morning. Your escapades certainly brighten my weekend!
M | Edit comment Delete comment | Homepage | 08.04.07 – 6:10 pm | #

i checked the ip, it’s from london, so maybe someone isn’t fucking with me for once?

email me madonna i love you! raymitheminx@gmail.com

*probably not her, fil did some sleuthing and merkley is having a field day over telling me how NOT madonna that is hahaha.

i am happy to report that my passive aggressive treatment of this one chick at the movie store has finally paid off, it only took 6 months of purposely going to a different person to pay for my movie and outright ignoring her existence, she was super nasty to me once so that’s the reason for this george costanza-like treatment, she saw the nice exchanges between me and her fellow employees (fully hammed up) and wanted in on that, yesterday she was so beyond cheery to me and ass-kissy it blew my mind she couldn’t be nice enough in fact, i wish fil was there to witness it, he was waiting in the car. we take turns going in for movies sometimes, usually it’s me and when i get back to the car i tell him in minute-detail every facial expression she made and thing she said to someone else while i am being served by her coworker/s and i feel her eyes all over me i know it pissed her off (being ignored) but that’s the beauty of the passive aggressive, it isn’t tangible, if she mentions it everyone will be like you are crazy what are you talking about that customer is a sweetheart haha.

I WON.

also, i am siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick.

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fxgkjbewoirfhewpfhew

dsgoirewhg43htgreoivndvn,mv n
d/flvndlvblblb,,mcx v,mcnvmc,v nfljfd

!!!

now, because i have a life and you don’t, here are my groceries.

wasn’t planning on going to whole foods so i forgot the cloth bag oh well these are great for recycling day punch me.

sorry cute as hell nice checked pattern! these are for fil, fil’s fillets. nice one dad. i will try them too.

it’s like they are at a picnic hey can i come wow i wish i had some friends.

WHAT!? cooking instructions! good thing i took a picture i just realised now that they have to be cooked i was going to just open ‘em and put them in my mouth phew. i got them confused with smoked/dried ready to go fillets. i only wanted to show you guys the price.

fattening too, great, thee ONE time i don’t look at the sticker on the back.

this guy.

i don’t have any cheese jokes sorry.

whoops, apologies there yanks, that’s the francaise side (francais is french for french).

juuuuuuuuuust kidding i know you guys can’t read anyway for those who can, this is dyke milk, no that cow isn’t gay, howevs. the ones who drink this shit are! OH SNAP.

$4.99 and they were the cheapest! i know! the hen must be a celebrity or something.

oh great! i looked in the package before taking it down but yeah looked at ‘em from the wrong angle i am a failure at being an adult my kids can drink pepsi for breakfast whatever. are you thinking of that scene in ghostbusters when sigourney weaver’s eggs start pulsing and cracking open haha zhoooul the scary monster in her fridge nice name if by this point you can’t tell that i am bipolar you are dumb.

whoever guesses my bill total wins nothing.

mystery box.

my “compost” as butchie calls it, “that’s not dinner that’s compost!” sorry i want to, you know, live longer and not be a fucking house, shrug.

dinner for fil.

fridge we never clean.

butchie (mentioned twice in the same post out of nowhere look at you dude!) also requested an up-close of the shower curtain (which i did when i originally bought it but yeah, who wants to go back through pages and pages of shit to find it, not me, or you.

when i shower i look at the women’s stuff and compare my body size to it and try to gauge whether or not any of that tacky shit would fit me.

bathingsuit i have gotten zero miles out of this season, except for when we moved the woodpile at alex’s cottage and then i changed into my bikini and that other time at janet’s pool. do you know how annyoing it is to have your hand on your hip constantly?

i am happy to report that our neighbours who we hate cos the guy plays his shitty acoustic guitar music whenever he pleases at all hours, AND they want the entire condo building to stop using fabric sheets cos their unit is above the laundry room (we still use them anyway and even the super’s wife too i caught her) their a/c doesn’t seem to be working so they have a croc (not surprised) wedging the door open to mooch the hallway a/c – their suffering pleases me in this time of insane toronto heat happy friday fuckbags!

oh and i got blogspotted at starbuck’s too and my teeth weren’t even brushed, hair fucked, wearing sunglasses over last nite’s party mascara eyes hi vanessa! she’s like what are you going to do today i’m like uhhh (in my head nothing, what else?) out loud oh i guess i will go to whole foods and then i guess i will blog about it. i was also wearing my wear it all the fucking time outfit. wicked. she said i make her laugh.

+++

ha yeah right like i call people.

last nite was wendi’s party guess who got slammered?

there’s another yeah right, stephen NOT wanting to be in a picture that will then be on my blog, his reason for living? we got wendi that book (remind me to tell you the story about purchasing it from the most WHIMSICAL store in the annex).

I SAID MERGE YOU FUCKING DICK!

i just have that affect on women (where they let me put my dirty hands all over them). i think them hittin’ the sauce helps a little, too.

i actually drunk-argued with that kid he was pissing me off he kept saying he hated me and loved fil yeah well YOU WERE A MISTAKE!

for more pictures of that little shitkid (who was pretty awesome i admit though, you guys know how i roll) go to fil‘s blog.

oh yeah one guy at this party had a leather jacket on (34 degree heat) and sunglasses and it was at night, and when he first showed up he stood alone by the tree in the yard in his sunglasses and leather jacket and if i had been as ripped as i was by the end of the night when he first moved in on the scene i would have said are you for real? and then everyone would be awkward except i wouldn’t even notice until we left the party when fil lectured me all the way home about it.

i kept looking up at him from the camping chair i was sitting in and i knew he was thinking he was better than me and i kept trying to see through his lenses but i couldn’t so congratulations sunglasses at night guy, your magic worked, you are shrouded in mystery and lore.

pour some crazy on me

14 bucks, sad.

this woman started to tell me about this other place in brampton that has really nice used wedding dresses, she actually believe that we were being serious and she stood there watching us go through them all and pointed out some tacky ones and i had to pretend that they were gorgeous.

jesus.

dunno ’bout you but when i think of high fashion, i think

DATE RAPE.

FUUUUUGLY desperation shoes.

ok here is some whimsical for you and i put on some shorts after testing this sucker out.

can’t really top this one may as well keeping going anyway.

floating is pretty awesome.

oh hai i comez to your parties?

for someone who does a lot of sitting, my ass is pretty phenom.

one of these days that cooler will have a place to rest how romantic is my hair people? don’t you love it when some cuckoo lady describes stuff as being romantic, this couch, romantic. these socks are very romantic. that chair? ROMANTIC! more like, barfmantic. yeah see what i did there? i’m funny.

fucking WHEE! told you!

gayest smile award, no matter, check the down there business!

ASS!

oh maybe i left my biology textbook in my locker, sorry to bother you ok i’m going.

ok going for real now.

uh…

ok this time i mean it look you can see fil’s lesbian saving the planet all natural shampoo which reminds me i have a story to share when i get back from a secret mission brb.

ps. mom i caught your cold THANKS and fil also says thank you in advance!