uh what secret are you revealing? speaking vaguely about a secret is not the same as revealing it. F.
well with that negative attitude it WILL BE.
um so you burn churches now? cool story hansel.
so you made a postcard about it and sent it to postsecret, yes that is very un-big deal of you.
i dunno why postsecret puts these ones up, it’s terrible, this person has big issues, it is unethical and if i saw someone kick an innocent animal i would slam their face into the pavement – on sunday someone had replied to this postcard and said ME TOO they are like soccer balls, that comment is down now. it stopped me from doing this whole postsecret burn post, anyway, disgusting.
who goes on vacation with their sister? 34 YEAR OLD LOSERS WHO LIE SO THEY CAN PARTY WITH THEIR HARRY POTTER BOOK. you are going to die alone.
i knew a girl who was sentimemtal about grade 6 and she was sad about grade seven being over and in grade eight she was bummed about elementary school coming to a close before the year was even over what the fuck MOVE ON GROW UP. ps. FACEBOOK you genius.
you should go on a date with vacations with his sister guy. cough*mental problems*cough.
ok fine i love making fun of hippies but walmart? you blew it with that one.
i SWEAR i thought i cleaned that mirror not too long ago.
so the ours show last week inspired me to up my fucking asshole a bit and write some sort of guide to insecurity, so here we go kids, flying by the seat of my pants here, feel free to offer up some ideas yourselves in the comments, don’t pretend that you have lives cos i know you don’t!
i am going to base it principally on chicks who go to concerts alone, so give me a break here, i can’t write about the entire world, yet.
SHOES – they have to be big fat skate dunks, vans usually, or etnies if you’re feeling outside the box. your shoes are little messages to boys that you are a-ok to stand beside cos you got the same footclothes on and phew cos girls are scary don’t talk to them they will bite you and say mean shit about you to their supermodel friends.
POSTURE – you have to walk like an old man and make your spine curve over and you tiptoe around and if you are in anyone’s way whisper sorry and look down at the ground and let people by you and be as invisible as possible if i can see you for more than half a second from my peripheral vision a monster will come and tear apart all of your journals RUN you are a shadow.
HAIR – pulled back into a ponytail bun, mousey-looking, fly-away frizz everywhere, this helps accentuate the tight black choker necklace you wear religiously. oh and you wear glasses too.
ok i am getting bored of this, basically you are kinda cute but pretty fucked up and unawares of that, you’re unassuming and you wear big pants for some reason like you just left velvet underground, you’re shy and awkward and something really traumatic happened to you once that i don’t care about cos you can’t bring yourself to care about yourself, you have zero self-esteem i am going to hell.
oh you carry a big bag too that has a really long strap and it hangs around your knees and there are lots of things in your bag that you don’t need but might need.
if anyone cares i am going through all the videos on my laptop and putting them on my youtube account, and everyone is wasted in 89% of them, and most of them have never seen the light of day so go party in my account. oh and i’m fatter too so you can have fun with that.
oh and if you’ve been noticing the shittiness of haloscan lately and you’ve been wanting to comment just refresh my blog and the link to comments should appear.
merkley???: why is that on uk youtube?
me: cos im not american and there is no canadian option im snubbing you
merkley???: lame
me: uh no
merkley???: uh yes
me: why is that lame
merkley???: uk is far away servers are half way around the world not resourceful
me: has nothing to do with servers u doink its just a tiny flag at the top of the page
merkley???: and its europhile which is total douchebag
me: it only has to do with the flag at the top jesus
merkley???: trying to make a statement?
me: im trying to state that i am not american, and there is no canadian option, which is insulting, so i am insulting you guys back so yes thank you for asking
merkley???: so edgey
me: edgy
merkley???: that too
the only reason there is a uk option is so people can choose the servers nearby
me: well my vids go up pretty fast who cares
merkley???: you do
me: i didnt choose the flag until after i had joined and had videos up i chose it a day later there is no difference
merkley???: meh
me: meh in hell
merkley???: i. am. NOT. american. people. GET IT RIGHT ha ha
me: oh i forget you arent a yank sometimes
merkley???: i was doing an impersonation
me: i know and i was ignoring it YOU HAVE BEEN VIRTUALLY IGNORED
merkley???: america is so sad you chose a brit flag
me: america IS sad you are killing the world good going
merkley???: ha ha nothing funnier than a canadian complaining about america
me: nothing funnier than your bad breath whatever sf go get another tattoo
merkley???: **************
me: you are infuriating me
me: “ha just read the merkley’s dream and it made me remember a dream i had with you in it. i woke up pissed too, with low self esteem. i think you shot me down at some bar cuz you’d not drank enough to make out with me or something like that. it was a while ago.” i would email this but your server is mexican and never gets my email
merkley???: ha ha last night i dreamed maury povich was hitting on a girl i liked and he was winning — she was paying more attention to him cuz he was famous
me: good
merkley???: so i went and played “thriller” on a giant church organ that also had a piano connected
me: to get her attention hahaha
merkley???: i was very surprised that i could play the entire song without ever having played it before it just came out perfectly
me: fascinating you are fascinating canada right now should i call the toronto star and tell them no maybe the metro so commuters can read it on the train
merkley???: make sure you make it very very very very very clear that i am NOT american GOD FORBID
me: hmm this is more of a tabloid anecdote so ill get in touch with the SUN instead
merkley???: oh are they the ones that post your driving and singing vids? – ha ha this is all your fault for being an asshole in my dream
me: oh my god you are so mean
merkley???: yeeeehaw!
me: well go have a nap right now and dream about me beating the shit out of you
merkley???: maybe i will dream about you eating a bowl of crap
start the evening off right with some girl talk on the couch with fil and some red wine haha they are talking about divacups and aerobics.
that would be fil’s i am sexy shirt, when we were getting ready i asked him if he had to step up his game cos we were going to be dining with lesbos, he didn’t get it. when chicks hang with their fag friends they have to dress fly to compensate for feeling undesirable all nite long like we can bring them back to hetero if we are hot enough.
remember when i had nails? yeah that’s over now. i told the lesbos that fil said he would get me a present if i grew them out, then i grew them out, and he didn’t buy me a present. they were NOT impressed. ha burn fil.
garlic naan drooooooool.
excuse me sir does that tassle come in large?
yep, that kinda nite.
butter chicken.
derno wendi ordered it, vegetarian something.
regular naan.
fil’s chicken vindaloo i think.
chicken something.
chickpeas something i am perceptive.
SO full and i ate less than half of my butter chicken, all that naan, everytime, you win this round, naan.
to showboat wil dumped water from his wine glass on his plate to rinse it for the next bottle of wine we opened. being full and looking at that almost made me spew.
NO I’M NOT DRUNK YOU’RE DRUNK! wendi said that celebs on the red carpet are told to smile with their lips closed and teeth parted, it is insanely difficult but obviously the pay-off is just fucking MAGIC.
wil met them the nite before in the lobby being piano man at like 2am or something then they got blasted, last nite was very pretty woman all around. they bought their dresses specifically for the occasion too.
time to loosen up ladies. this is when the compliments started flowing, loved it.
ate at the host last nite, more to come on that, told two nice little lesbos from saskatchewan that they were rug munchers, right? to break the ice.
shoulda said muff divers.
anyway, it worked.
+++
nice one aaron
aaron is the guy who does all these raymi photoshop things he lies in wait beneath the city in his ninja turtle hideout for me to post on my blog photoshop-worthy pictures.
organic lesbo lunch from noah’s, those things are awesome, the pre-made meals.
mere moments before our near-miss airbag exploding collision, the rest of the ride to the ‘burbs was on-edge, you know heart-racing adrenaline shakes.
i wonder if that hole has closed yet.
nice nosefuzz.
when i was a kid and everyone at school made fun of my big nose i used to look at it in the mirror a lot from this angle to console myself, i thought it looked smaller and if everyone else could just notice my nose from this angle they would shut the hell up.
there’s this great place in burlington i forget the name of, i totally comfort-consumed all day long sunday, period + stress = food booze city.
got that for my dad, brother and i ate the majority of it, hi here is a present that i am going to eat, you’re welcome.
also got him these to put up those retard me and brother pictures on his fridge.
stink-eye is a very important part of my family it is the glue that binds us.
dad and brother both had one of these i had a salad and mooched off this, there is another layer of roast beef under the one with all the gravy on it.
mom’s cougar purse i don’t have to rip on anymore cos everyone else does now i am extending the opportunity to you guys, passing on the love.
so tired here and annoyed and trying to get my drink-on to obliterate my mind while mom is nag nag blah blah blah.
wasabi chicken salad, really very good though i had garlic indigestion bloated stomach for several hours afterward and could still taste it in my mouth. that red thing i don’t know what it is, edible, tasteless garbage garnish wow burlington jack astor’s you’re so out there.
my brother and dad basically make fun of me about EVERYTHING i wear, and constantly too.
THE WORST SALAD I HAVE EVER ORDERED IN MY ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE FROM CHAP’S.
it was comped off the bill. the chicken was burned so they tried to cover-up/compensate for it by dumping loads of creamy gorgonzola barf cheese all over the place and you’re also supposed to put on bacon vinaigrette, it was disgusting, way too many flavours going on, i didn’t even bother ordering something else it killed my appetite that bad. it should be taken off the menu, maybe tomorrow afternoon if i’m bored i’ll email head office a long piece of my mind note and maybe get some free shit out of it.
the service was terrible as well. i shoulda known, the “fun” play on words DIXIE CHICKEN AND SPINACH is a big red flag.
merkley???: i dreamed i went to toronto and you were very rude and your friends were all jocks and you made me go to a football game and the field was half asphalt and half weeds and basically everything sucked
me: I FUCKING HATE FOOTBALL what a shitty and inaccurate dream
merkley???: well i was quite surprised by it all
me: what was i wearing
merkley???: something red and kinda tight — not good fashion — like i said, it wasnt what i expected i was pretty shocked at your terrible hosting skills i was with someone else and i kept apologizing to them for bringing them because i promised that it would be a great time and they would think you were great
me: i am a very good host actually, like bend over backwards nauseatingly over-courteous
merkley???: but you kept making fun of her for being “american”
me: ha what a dick did i have good burns?
merkley???: your jock friends were actually getting in my face trying to start a fight no the whole time i was thinking — wow — how does someone have such a different online persona samir was a total dick
me: the only time i am a shitty host is when i ignore everyone while they are over and read my comments ha even samir was in your dream what was fil like
merkley???: fil was standoffish he wasnt blatantly a dick it was more you siding with all your jock friends and not letting go of the snide “american” comments
me: well i dont have jock friends i dont know anyone who plays sports actually
merkley???: plus you kept insulting my friend ha ha
me: what was i saying i bet your friend sucked and deserved it when you werent looking she was being rude to me hence the suck
merkley???: it was obviously opposite day in my dreams my friend was totally fictional –
me: what do you think this dream means you are apprehensive about meeting me and coming to toronto cos you are a scaredy cat penis
merkley???: sunday night i went to a party where the hosts were really bad
me: well thanks for taking it out on me in your dream
merkley???: i mightve checked my rss and read a snip from your blog last night and combined it all toronto was a total shithole ghetto weeds everywhere cracked pavement milkweeds that get white goo all over everything
me: nope sorry
merkley???: it might take me a week or two to forgive you i’m scarred
me: when fil cheats on me in my dream or me on him in his, when we wake up we hate each other he gets in trouble for being bad in my dream and i resent him all day
merkley???: ha ha yeah well i am resenting you right now
me: the other day he said bla bla should know better when WE are on our period
merkley???: you need to apologize for your bad behavior and your lame jock friends
me: im sorry i hung out with jocks and was mean to you in your dream and made fun of america via your mythical friend, merkley and i wore a shitty red tight outfit
merkley???: when i woke up i couldnt remember my dream — it was only when i saw your name that i remembered that i was pissed
me: HAHAHHAA wow you are really affected
merkley???: anyway, that was only my second raymi dream, in the first you wore that meat dress
me: i wonder what my stalkers feel after they dream about me and it is awesome oh right i dreamt about you once rght i forget i musta told you
merkley???: yeah i was awesome and tan
me: oh anything else
merkley???: i only remember being tan and thin and i had my shirt off or something
me: well thats pretty much all i ever aspire to be so good work ha that did not happen
merkley???: basically i was the cover of a romance novel
me: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW my dads cat looks like you rockley hahahahahahahhahahaha
merkley???: not even close
me: sorry man hair to face ratio is dead on
merkley???: plus you were wearing a weird bra that made your boobs look like a mans chest i was gonna say something to get you back but i decided to take the high road
me: is our friendship over
merkley???: i think you wore it to fit in with your jock friends you might have actually been a dyke in my dream ha ha
