ahh never gets old, yes i am the dirtbag in the beetle bailey hat and that is a penis sippy cup not a dildo and I’m 19. i am doing kiefer sutherland before kiefer sutherland did kiefer sutherland.

if this doesn’t convince him to party with me then i give up. SOMEONE EMAIL KIEFER SUTHERLAND THIS POST THANK YOU.

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oceans never listen to us anyway

last nite’s sunset rubdown/xiu xiu show made up for the suck what was calla on wednesday. sunset played first and fuck blew me away, i knew nothing of them beforehand, i am won over, i bought their cd. xiu xiu were also great but 40% of the time they were all about pretentious weirdness which is never a substitute for talent, i mean, they obvs. got the talent i dunno why the need to fuck it all up with long silences and tiny conch shells clacking in lieu music that is audible from the back of the room, i am a fan of music, not noise i can make myself with a stick against a chainlink fence. they were definitely anti-climactic after sunset, sorry xiu xiu.

there was this cat in the very front we were commenting on during sunset, he was sitting alone, skinny, old man detective hat, glasses, chewing a tiny stogey, reading catch-22!!! he was hunter s-ing out hard, not even the coolest of cool can pull that off seriously. anyway he was in the same spot all nite long and was really feeling xiu xiu like understood the clanging you could tell to the very being of his soul i said to fil he must be thinking the chick working the keys is the yin to his yin.

oh then of course fil started using his flash and one time blew it over the sound guy’s back (who was crotchety from being called-out in front of the whole room, from the stage by xiu xiu) and so drunklor lipped him and couldn’t stop, once he began i kept tugging his arm cos i knew we were going to get thrown out and i had to piss, fil was telling the guy how he could at least be polite and meanwhile there are all these flashes going off from other people’s cameras and the sound guy is like it says on your ticket NO FLASH which isn’t true and fil tells him this so sound guy goes ok then we’ll see what happens then fil says uh he is getting security and we leave, passing security and sound guy cos fil didn’t want his card deleted. the security dude’s look on his face was so passe about having to deal with this flash camera nonsense, pretty funny, and as we were pulling on our coats he was shit-talking xiu xiu and how strange and weird their music was and how everyone was leaving too, meanwhile, he is suppose to be telling us like it is regarding flash photography.

then we are on the street and these three dudes come out of the billiards thing and ask for a cigarette saying he will give me a ridiculous amount of change and i say no it’s fine i’ll give you one for free and the guy has dreads and a polish housecleaner’s kercheif on his head and his buddy goes “ridiculous amount of change? you are such a nerd.” and i got it in my head to zing this kid so i said AT LEAST HE ISN’T WEARING A BACKPACK LIKE THAT and everyone was shocked and awed and i went OH SNAP like ben stiller in zoolander and everyone laughs at the backpack guy and tells him to go back to highschool. as we were walking away one of the guys was just standing there looking at us go, huge love and adoration for my asshole mouth all over his face, it was pretty romantic, especially with the rain falling down like that and the streetlights.

this outfit received a thumbs down

evidence of xiu xiu’s weirdness, though i like it when she screams.

so i have decided that my next book will be a bunch of shorter stories, the surreal loosely fictitious one i started a while back i just cannot get into it again, into adding anything new other than the apocalypse, everyone dies the end. i started writing another story that is simple and easy, i’ve been carrying this little journal around and i add to it everywhere we go, it’s pretty simple, not going to be anything pulitzer-worthy, but entertaining all the same. finally my writer’s block is gone and all it took was a chinese notebook with engrish on the cover and psychotic panda bears, to get it back. thank fuck. i am not going to transcribe any of it onto my blog and i am not going to say what it is about, well, it’s about me obviously, i mean i’m not going to do a synopsis, well maybe i will, either way i am not obsessing over it at all, not over-thinking, just doing, for once.

another short story will be about the drug and alcohol meetings i use to attend, and another story will be about the psyche ward.

i also have to get back to my ms paint drawing roots.

i left a love note in the john at the horseshoe:

i can’t wait to go back and see FUCK YOU SLUT and other messages scrawled around it. middle stall, downstairs bathroom, ladies.

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me: i left a love note for u at the horseshoe

sharpachu: hee hee
that’s funny
i totally dance at concerts

me: i should write dear sharpie from now on
well there were a bunch of nerds dancing
and then after i wrote that some cute girls were dancing and i was like oh no
and they were cool kinda
i dance too when im wasted

sharpachu: omg that would be so awesome to see dear sharpie notes around town
it could be like a scavenger hunt, i will write responses, got to go get my horde of sharpies

me: i have to go back to the victory to see if my poetry slam message is there still

sharpachu: haha
yes!
god that’s so weird!
(the poetry slamming)

me: fully, do nerds know they are nerds like crazy people dont know they are crazy

sharpachu: and ugly people don’t know they’re ugly
yup

me: ha
MEAN!

sharpachu: although, some people embrace their nerdiness

me: i think some nerds know they are nerds but not the ones who poetry slam

sharpachu: they’re the “do’s”
the ones who poetry slam are trying to figure out ways to be cool

me: poetry slams and drum circles

sharpachu: but failing
drum circles is less nerdy more disgusting hippie
less axe body spray more patchouli

me: i need to write a longer poem about fils balls and read it at the victory with a straight face, would you come listen to me, i would bust up laughing and if samir was there too sooooo not happening with a straight face

sharpachu: of course i will!

me: and then at the end i can bow dramatically get down on one knee and point at fil and say HE is the one

sharpachu: hahahahaha
that would be thee best!!!

me: fil would die

sharpachu: i would die laughing

me: and be high
no if i was high i would laugh hysterically for ten minutes
and start crying

sharpachu: if you took like a valium you could do it
like all you need is a total downer

me: so i wonder if anyone can join this troupe
i could be a poetry mole for a year

sharpachu: hahaha
yes
do some inside journalism

me: put all this ridiculous effort and wasted hours
just to read a poem about fils balls

sharpachu: and then write a memoir!

me: and go on tour then the poetry nerds email me all hurt and try and have a confrontation about how i hurt their feelings

sharpachu: you can have a duel with them at that point

there’s a new hankandmike trailer i’m in it. watch the NEW one, not old. you will see me twice, yellow burlesque dancer thing.

calla at the horseshoe last nite was boresville, and it was pretty dead. and it was raining.

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on facebook i left a comment on this guy’s wall saying are you still a snarky bastard, jokingly, cos if you’re snarky, you have a sense of humour right?

wrong.

his totally fly-off-the-handle response:

“Are you still a loser Goth whore like in Highschool? Just because you have a boyfriend now, doesn’t mean life has flipped the script on you and you’re now cool…….Just so you know, you come across like a bitch, i knew you we’re weird, didn’t know you we’re a weird bitch.”

when was i ever goth? this guy took forever to finish highschool and now he is a slimy mortgage broker drug addict drunk and is losing his hair. he was one of those druggie kids in school too. i sent his message to my brother who sort of hung out with him. he blocked me on facebook so i can’t even write back and defend myself. i just want him to know that i had tons of boyfriends in highschool, actually, and that i know he wants to have sex with me and that if he wants to discuss how pretty my hair is then i am cool with that and then i will tell him all the cool things i have ever done because i really need him to know how cool i am.

haha i just saw on his work’s website that his dad works there too and no doubt got him hired, i’m sure he totally pulls his weight around there. perhaps i should fire an email to the head of the company as well as his dad and say this is the kind of shit your employee/son is doing while on the job.

fun never stops kids!

i am the one that is talking, obviously. the girl to my left who is blown away by my conversational skills, i went to kindergarden with. also, take note that i am the skinniest, haha bitches. peep that waistline, pre-drinking days. i think i had just turned four this was my actual birthday, preschool, must’ve been cos my mom made my bangs all faggy like that, fluffed out, you could tell it was a special occasion by way of my hair’s fluff-factor.

my dad’s cat rocky, shut up about shaving him, he loves it and parties harder this way.

my mom took these pictures that’s why they are all blurry.

this awesome thing happened last nite when we went to the liquor store, my cousin and i, she pulls into a parking spot doing the go-through when you blow into the spot attached to a spot so when you drive away you don’t have to back out anyway this crazy lady was blasting into that spot we were about to park in like a bat out of hell totally ignoring us, yes she would be in the right if she wasn’t doing 60kmh from dupont banking in diagonally so i tell cousin fuck it let her have it meanwhile crazy frizzy hair with anger management problems is giving us this cunty look and shaking her head i think she was buzzed cos she was acting insane with her face at us THEN she ploughs open her car door and it slams the car beside hers, totally oblivious that she did it OR totally knew, didn’t care, was feeling a bit sheepish for almost hitting us and then giving us cuckoo bitch face. anyway we lagged behind so to not have a yell-a-thon and she stomps off ahead to the vintages section shaking her fucking huge dirty blond fro and her face is all scrunched up angry.

then i bought a bottle of jameson’s and the cashier dude asked if i tried red breast i said is it cheaper he said no then i said no thanks i will stick with the irish trash and he asked if i was irish i said no, british.

you had to be there.

if that lady hit us who would be more at fault? we did a pull-through BUT she did not even make an effort to check for us and that parking lot is on a slant so we were higher above there is no way to NOT see us unless you were fucking WASTED and ignorant.

cousin vic, holy babesville right?

shared some yam fries, they’re ooook, with miso gravy

“simple” rice w/tofu steaks instead of tempeh

so i finally ate inside fresh and thankfully it was way less irritating than i anticipated. i am betting the mom/daughter the table beside us were digging on our conversation, i like how tiny two person tables and the foot between them mind-fuck you into thinking people cannot hear you talking, but they so can. also, i tend to talk a few decibels louder than the average joe, i think my hearing is bad so i compensate by yelling.

then we went to 7-11 to collect my eleven dollars from the scratch tickets my brother gave me for my birthday (TOLD YOU GUYS) i called him and asked what he wanted he said nothing don’t get me anything i’m not getting you anything i said too bad dirtbag, then i didn’t get him anything. ahahah. i will try and find some porno cards.

it’s embarrassing when they put your gamblor tickets through the machine that makes all those noises and then on the big screen everyone can see how much money you won, what if i had won 5 grand and the hobo behind me knifed me? i also do not like strangers thinking i have a gambling addiction, yeah, i really care what the patrons of seven-eleven think about me, it is very important they view me with the utmost respect and admiration.

did a stand-up tan for 7 minutes, forgot my goggle-things, no matter vic leant me hers, they are strapless and would not balance on my face whilst standing up and no matter how hard i shoved and tried to cram them into my sockets and squint and get my eye skin to magically hold them, no dice, so i had to go with my eyes tight shut alternating between squinting super hard and looking down chin to chest, yes i know it’s bad. next time i’ll do lie-down.

if someone leaves a snarky skin cancer comment again fuck off, tanning once in awhile is NOT bad for you, it is actually good for your skin to have uv rays fucking look it up, going every other day is bad and so is looking like an orange/brown wrinkly leather purse with eyes, ew.

also, skin pigment update: no change, nothing.