samir and stefan gave me mad shit last nite about my piercing so i took it out. had to use a piece of napkin on the ball and the backing shaft whatever it’s called to get a grip on it. i’m going to leave it out i think. now it looks like i have a tiny mole beside my mouth.

feels weird i keep going to put my lip over it or tongue it (ew) and it’s not there. i told stefan that my life better change in a revolutionary way now for f sake. he said it makes him look at my face now and i said fine cos well it IS a beautiful face he agreed. i was kind of hoping i would be a tanned skeleton with a lip piercing this summer and try that out for a little bit. oh well.

they said that one day i will be in business (right) and people will not take me seriously with a hole in my face, i get that, but i do not ever see myself in a position where having a hole in my face will matter or hold me back. anyway it was a good run while it lasted. if someone wants all the piercing stuffs i have for their stalker shrine lemme know.

samir was FUCKED last nite also commonly known as SAMMERED. wow. he cannot function without sharpie so he just DruzZINKS until he is blackout then walks home. sharpie has only one more week left of slave labour then she is free. GOOD. though it is pretty funny to see sammered, he tried to fuck up a newspaper box like how fonzie just slams the jukebox and it turns on well with samir and newspaper box? no dice. the last time he was drunklor was his birthday, i think.

samir is pretty good at being obnoxious and cutting people off to talk about whatever and he tried to do it last nite a thousand times he sits down with me fil anton stefan and cuts in and i threw a piece of a stir stick at him and it landed in his open mouth well on his bottom lip and it shut him up it was hilarious, he was so stunned he sat there with his mouth gaping open, totally offended. aha. it was like the three stooges when they go to fancy socialite dinners and they throw grapes at each other or chicken and it comically slow motion flies at one of the snobs landing in their hair or open mouth.

we are getting wasters fil is watching the game and i am being bitchy about it i forgot how much power is possible from being passive-aggressive go me. i want to watch karla instead. sigh. he says these games are important to watch i understand that but still it’s friday how selfish is the nhl being right now!? fil says i can watch tv by myself in the bedroom or he can and i can watch the movie in the livingroom NO SORRY those are NOT the rules why don’t guys know the rules? man if i was a dude i would so be a gay so as to not deal with womens like me i would be a deep sea diver and i would live under the sea hah fil just snuck up behind me and went OH REALLY YOU FORGOT HOW MUCH POWER YOU GET FROM BEING PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE stupid earphones stupid sneaky fil stupid silent shoes i bought him!

we can talk about how unethical it is to make money off of people’s deaths re: karla, tomorrow. however, how many movies would not exist if this were actual law? fuck, forrest gump, platoon, basically every single war movie, titanic, blood diamond, hotel rwanda etc and so on.

i think though, there is definitely a stigma attached to serial killer true story movies, the victims are much more personalised we feel like we know them yeah? but wars, who cares about those dead soldiers we don’t know their names oh can matt damon play somebody? thanks.

when i was in the psyche ward in the cuckoo lock-up area i use to well, talk to myself out loud, i was very paranoid, specifically about terrorism and i was afraid for my life so i would talk out loud and bargain with whoever i thought was listening, i thought everything was bugged, anyway, i thought i was communicating with osama bin laden and i use to bargain with him or barter and i said ok my life will be spared if hollywood does not profit off of september eleventh, there can be no movies made about it, television shows, merchandise, nothing.

if anything sensationalistic every happens on our planet you can guarantee 1000% that there will be a movie about it, and nicolas cage will be the star, or don cheadle, adam sandler… and when they say that they are doing it to hopefully be a coping mechanism for those family’s affected, riiiight.

i have not seen nor plan to ever watch one of these wtc movies, one of the very reasons those planes were flown into those towers is because of shits in hollywood so if you think about it, you should be thanking osama bin laden thanks for the movie idear mang!

dear raymi,
what do you do if girls are spreading rumors about you having STDs cause they want their ex boyfriend to stop going out with you?
love,
zb

murder them?
what proof do these bitches have of yer stds?
you have to up the cattyness and totally call them out, hit them where they are most weak, fat, ugly? point it all out.

she has no proof. i mean i did exactly that. well, i made fun of her on my blog if that’s what you mean. check it:
here.

nuuuuhhh UNGH uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuungh

i am going to be 24 soon i am going to be a fossil! i can’t wait to be in my victoria beckham phase where i turn into a tanned skeleton and get fake tits and never smile so i won’t get wrinkles around my lips bullshit she doesn’t like how she looks when she smiles, she doesn’t want people to see the OLD emanating from her hagmouth. i think for annoying bitches like me there is a magic birthday number that makes you hyper fucked in the head panicked about aging so you work out like mental and try like hell to turn back the older than dust clock i think 25 is that number for me perhaps, maybe 24.5 we’ll see. maybe i will try and get on at least one reality tv show before i am too old for the cut-off age. is it usually 26 or 27? i remember on american idol they let this older chick on but they pointed out how old she was all the time, that was fucked up. why even pass her?

here is a poem i wrote last nite at the bar for fil

your balls by lauren white

your balls
they are big
and i like them
on my face, in a race, any place
your balls
fill your drawers
spill into the halls
i think of them at the mall
your balls they smell
like a dewy spring’s morn
they are the essence of life
your balls
your balls
your balls
COCK

me: there was a guy at green room last nite that looked like you
but he was smiling a lot
so i knew it wasn’t really you

Neil: it was me!
Dude, it was
i smile all the time now!

me: THAT WAS YOU

Neil: YES!
okay, no, i joke

me: upstairs!?!
oh
ahahhahaha

Neil: YES, !
wait
no

me: oh man i was going to be very angry and figure out how to go back in time and talk to you last nite
fil and i were sitting side by side hating on everyone

Neil: haha

me: the guy looked maybe too skinny to be you
dont get a fat complex now
are you crying

Neil: haha
im skinny tho!

me: i know you are
i swear it was you this guy had a thousand teeth big mouth like you and a toque
and his eyes were all squinty
and he had blond hair
the end

Neil: damn
doppleNoel

me: fully
he was hanging with a guy though and that is also how i knew it wasn’t you because you only hang with girls

Neil: there was a doppe nowl from years back

me: like teenaged girls

Neil: some dude who played bass in a band called johnny lightning bolt

me: maybe it is the same guy

Neil: posb…
man, no pic eh?
too bad!

me: i was going to take a picture but i thought it would come out bad
and blurry
and then this guy would be all why are you taking my picture
i didnt want to have a conversation ON TOP of a bad picture

Neil: haha

me: there was a candle in my way

as predicted, fil got at it before walking through the door.

i am cool i spent 30 minutes braiding my hair to make ghetto crimps during fast food nation and my hair was dry i used gel in lieu of wet hair and it held pretty decent anyway i was going to sleep with the braids in so i could have trampy hair today but fil looked at me 3/4 the way through the movie and said he couldn’t handle my hair in braids anymore it looked like i had very little hair and i thought i was looking cute maybe but then i looked in the mirror, yep. barfsville. so i took out the braids. hair looked stupid and now i have a zit on my neck from the gel.

stupid hair

when my hair was down to my ass and blond the crimped-look worked for me, i use to braid some of my hair and curl some of it and leave some of it straight in highschool, porno hair? my mom use to braid my hair at nite after a bath sometimes so i would have crimpy hair the next day and i noticed the difference right away in how boys treated me, with straight boring hair they were like feh but with crimped hair i was ms. popular yes in kindergarden the best was when this one boy would stop at my seat on the bus and say YOU CAN GO even though i was sitting and letting people pass by to get off before me. that was how he flirted and then he would ask if i wanted to come over to play at his house and i would and we would kiss ew gross kids are nasty.

when my hair was straight he would just pass me by on the bus haha. one time i called him out on his shit and said you only want to play with me today cos i have crimped hair and he said what? no!

ps. this is the same guy who called me a few weeks ago out of the blue to try and get me to go to that pyramid scheme seminar. he tries to get my brother to go all the time too.

i fucked myself over by writing about chicken earlier the last few hours have gone by so slowly and 180 minutes of them have been spent obsessing about chicken and fitting a lot of it into my mouth 5-7 is CRAZY TIME in these parts cos the not eating all day finally catches up to me and the few marbles i have left roll around in my head and fall out my ears. i am very food obsessed, thinking about food, writing about it talking about it on instant messenger looking at pictures of it emailing pictures of it, in a very fucked up way it has helped me lose weight. i do not eat junk food anymore only sometimes and VERY LITTLE. i am hoping to be normal again some day, normal about food and not having nightmares that if i eat a hamburger it will not add ten pounds to my body. you can stop reading at any point now.

i have always had food issues, as a kid i was super picky and was not at all interested in meals, i only liked candy. now i hate candy and i love meals. well, i am not as into meals as i use to be. sometimes. nevermind i have dementia.

on sunday hangover drives we talk about what the perfect meal will be and we drive through small towns in search of it and we can never agree on what we want or find what we want so by the fourth of fifth town we pass we are stark-raving mad hungry lunatics and settle on something that is the total opposite of what we want and are in bad moods the rest of the way home. i am at least.

i bought three beverages for our magical journey on sunday, all failures:

dr. pepper
perrier
some weird fruit fizzy energy drink called slenderize, tasted like suntan lotion and farts

i obsess way too much over what the perfect thing for us will be i over-think and fuck myself and i end up being really bitter.

this one time i got this bullshit soda from the whole foods cafe that was tres expensive and did not quench any thirst whatsoever, it tasted like vomit and i was too angry to go back and rectify cos that place is supes irritating to deal with, all these smarmy impatient yorkville yuppie scumbags sighing and taking up way too much space EXCUSE ME I AM THIRSTY AND MAJORLY HUNG GET OUT OF MY FUCKING FACE.

wow.

i specifically recall this dude in a trenchcoat trying to cock-block the entire cashier area to pay for something and the cashier area is this abstract kind of island with no obvious place to stand and pay and then more people are coming up and i am standing firm I AM NEXT AFTER THIS FUCK and this family tried to sneak in front of me and everyone in the cashier area is trying their best to ignore every customer cos well it was obvs. they hate serving rich dicks anyway all i wanted was to drink my shitty bad choiced drink (this was when i did not know it was a bad choice) and all these people are getting frustrated and sighing and giving one another cut-eye and it was making me even angrier, i swear i am the only one who picks up on passive-aggressive hostile ‘tude fil is always oblivious to it. it’s not that i pick up on it i actively seek it out and narrow in on it. fil likes to see the best in people, i do not. people are essentially dicks and i hate them.

anyway after that i go out pop the tab take a sip and was ten thousand times more enraged woah i should NOT have dug up that memory i am scrunching up my forehead and squinting my eyes in fury right now.