check out this genius ‘about me’ bio a girl from my grade school put in her facebook profile:
I am a young mother who loves to dress her daughter up in the most expensive clothes to ever be made for little girls. People always have the wrong impression about me. For some reason they think I’m a cold hearted person but I really am a nice girl once you get to know me. I like doing things that guys like to do. I’m not into prissy girly things. YUCK! I talk about sex all of the time…kinda like Samantha on Sex in the City! So if you get embarrassed easily you should’nt be around me on a drinking night. (Tina knows what I’m talking about) I have an addiction with expensive jeans. I buy at least a pair a week. Some girls like shoes for me its jeans. Name a pair and I got em! Oh and you will never see me step foot in a club not cause I dont like em its just not my thing…I’m more of a pub, chillin person!
pretty hilarious seeing as when we were in school together she was all about dressing as hot and girly as possible.
merkley???: i totally went off on a lame chick last night i was way drunk and she was totally just bad energy city so i just started telling her how much she sucks
me: how so
merkley???: i told her she had a stupid look on her face and that her posture was fake looking and that her fake superiority was totally transparent and annoying and that she was like a black hole for good energy and i’m not a hippy but everyone knows bad vibes
me: WOW
merkley???: anyway, the people i was with that knew her were all being quiet as i thrashed her
me: holy crap how wasted were you
merkley???: but when we dropped her off everyone was high fiving me apparently her own friends hate her too i was way wasted
me: what was the root of her suckiness
merkley???: thinking she was hot acting like hot shit not turning it off fake aloofness
me: what was she talking about
merkley???: she was hardly talking about anything it was an attitude
me: i fake aloofness well i use to now its like severe looking at the groundness which comes off as snob bitchy
merkley???: anyway — all of her friends sided with me
me: we bumped into this girl on the street two nites ago fil went to school with her and i gave her total bitch face, like full on scowled at her, couldnt help it shes a fucking waste of space, fil was like what the hell was that!? i knew i met her before but i couldnt figure out how i almost said who the fuck are you? i stopped myself she was all flirty hi to fil didnt see me at first despite me carrying my longboard then she got this wave of guilt look on her face like she was super psyched about seeing fil but then noticed witchy me standing there
merkley???: ha — well — some people need to be smacked down
me: she recently did some suspest shit to her bf and i decided the first time i met her that she sucked, like afraid to look at me or acknowledge me, you know when you meet someone they are shady like she would not hesitate to bang fil if i was not there, or try to, or if fil was like that and wouldnt rat her out, that type of shadyness
merkley???: yeah — my first impressions always hold true if i ever get it slightly wrong its me wishfully hoping someone is cool
me: yah i hate expecting someone to be cool and then they arent thats why i keep my expectations low always and then when someone is slightly cool i am beside myself with glee
merkley???: yeah, some people are awful
me: when they’re basically normal and like wtf about your excitement
merkley???: my expectations are pretty inline with reality, tons of mediocrity, little splashes of quality
me: when i come into contact with someone who says something funny, something that i would say, i am dumbfounded and silenced and i hate it, i am never prepared for the awesome, well sometimes i am
merkley???: man — i never meet people as cool as me, i wish i could meet me one day like just run into myself at a bar
merkley???: i wouldn’t try to bug me i wouldnt comment on my beard
me: you would not talk to you because you know how annoyed you would be by that
merkley???: i would just wait until i had a really funny thing to say about someone in the room
me: you are not above waiting 4 hours to say a sentence to someone waste yer whole nite
merkley???: and it would take only 5 seconds to say
me: worth it, fully
merkley???: and i would say it as i handed my other self a drink that i already bought without asking if he wanted it and then i would walk away
me: dude should i jump out of a plane this summer?
merkley???: and my other self would be like — whoa — that dude was cool yes you should
me: my dad would be sick with worry i would shit my pants also
merkley???: dont tell your dad
me: my dad cannot even handle me being on the back of fils bike
fil threw out his hip doing it with me two nites ago, yesterday he was limping in pain on our little adventure walk, he is not sure if it was from doing it but i know that it is, he did some different humping moves this time involving his hips. he’s been in pain from doing it before, but good pain, in his abdominals, i am basically an exercise implement. i asked if we should get one of those mini tables for geriatrics that goes over your waist and genitals and i sit on it while fil lies down so he doesn’t have to do anything, i think it spins too. ahaha. we should get a swing. ew. now i can’t stop picturing old people from cocoon doing it.
there’s one in alberta who has been pestering me, saying i am ugly and my mom is a sleaze. they are anonymous, of course. one day i hope they slip up and email me from work so i can get them fired. (i don’t think they even have a job come to think of it). anonymous haters are the lowest of the low, think about it, you hang around someone’s blog, someone visible, sharing their life, photos, everything, and you leave lame insults on it anonymously? sad.
i do sympathize with them though, i lived in the middle of nowhere for three months before, however, i never stooped to leaving anonymous comments on people’s blogs, ever. living in the boondocks motivated me to make the best of it to make my time there as awesome as possible. this isn’t rocket science.
you must really hate yourself something awful if the only form of communication you have is anonymously hating on the life of somebody else that you obviously envy, even reading this post you’re so beyond treatable in your head you are thinking HAH she has succumbed to me! ME! scary.
what is the goal? is there one? am i suppose to throw in the towel and go to counselling because somehow you’re right? an anonymous fuck-knuckle in alberta is right, my life IS shit, all my friends, my loving boyfriend, family, supporters, readers, wow, my life really is empty. thank you alberta!
don’t forget that i am ugly! my long beautiful hair? NO NOT BEAUTIFUL! ugly!
my unique good looking face? NOPE! UGLY!
my thin body? UGLY TOO!
i so wish we could meet in person so i can thank you face-to-face, i bet you’re really busy though, with your rich and fruitful lifestyle and all your friends, loving family, you’re probably really happy i should be thankful that you were even able to find the time to leave me those anonymous comments like you did.
also, regarding my mother’s sleaziness, she is 47 years old, she is happy and living her life, what is your mother doing? what are YOU even doing? my mother is having fun and makin the best of her time and i am proud of her, despite the non-perfection of our relationship, she is awesome, and cool, and it makes me happy to see her happy and i know it kills you cos your mom blows so much, sorry.
i just came back sweaty/smelly from starbucks (yes i know starbucks is evil, but we’re out of espresso) anyway, i checked the mail and saw that my calvin klein sample of their newest fragrance ckin2u arrived, italian shower here i come. the name is kind of juvenile, i’m sure it’ll grow on me no matter, it smells great, totally masks the stank. the packaging colours are pretty nice too, i can’t wait to see what the bottle looks like. it was about time too, spring time for me equals new perfume, and the mary kate and ashley body spritz was last year, and the strawberry oil from bodyshop fil thinks is gross, i could dab on a thousand dabs and not even smell the shit. this ck stuff is quite potent but not noxiously so. go try it.
me: no not ones that protrude like an ape’s google a picture of an ape on all fours then one of a cat
Emma: eurgh
me: then picture the cat with shoulders like an ape
Emma: ha
me: hilarity!
Emma: must breed new type of cat
me: YES
Emma: breed for shoulders like they breed for flat faces find the most shoulderly cats
me: just get one to do it with an ape
Emma: or just to normal cats poor cat or poor ape which ones the girl? cats have barbed penises
me: the cat would be destroyed
Emma: not if it was the guy
me: true!
Emma: it would fuck up the apes inside
me: but he couldnt get pregnant
Emma: and then slink away oh well maybe the ape could have the baby ape-cat those cats would be really mean, their big shoulders would help them cling on when they attack
me: i wish i knew someone who worked at a zoo i would give them a cat to sneak in
Emma: just take a cat to a zoo in your coat
++++
me: can u draw me a picture of what cats would look like if they had shoulders SHOULDER CATS fil doesnt get how hilarious it would be
Jamie: isn’t that a saturday morning cartoon? shoulder, shoulder, shoulder cats!
me: u are thinking thunder cats?
Jamie: yes ever see Omaha?
me: no
Jamie: here there here she has shoulders, AND she has boobs
me: HAHAHHAA im discussing breeding an ape with a cat with someone else right now to get shoulders fil does not like when i talk about shoulder cats
Jamie: are you obsessed with them?
me: i have mentioned them a few times
Jamie: do you talk about them all the time?
me: he gets pissed off haha
Jamie: would they still walk on four legs? i think he hates it because shoulders would make cats more person-like, and that would mean he was gay with El Cid the idea of spooning with Cid and his hairy, muscular shoulders is just too much for him to deal with
me: they would be on all fours no he just doesnt find it funny at all
Phil: what are you doing are you still going for a tan
me: yes after i bathe im talking about shoulder cats
Phil: ugh with the shoulder cats
Jamie: technically they already DO have shoulders, dont they? Granted, like old lady osteoporosis shoulders, but shoulders all the same haha ugh with the shoulder cats
