for now here i am singing while fil plays ms. pacman i am mysterious. song is missing, beck. here is a who will save your soul xmas eve singsong and i am wasted. this is do you want to know a secret. the thing with me and drinking and singing is i really like to do them simultaneously. it’s my life this one will kill you. here i am trainwrecking through papa don’t preach. be jealous. here i am after falling down some stairs and slurring. adorable. this is in my place and this is mrs. robinson. wasted singing travis oh man it is fucking brutal.
ok i am being neurotic and anal and recording myself reading part of marketable depression my heart is racing i am so gay is there allowed to be music in the background or is that WAY more embarrassing? i feel like i am going on a first date holy diarrhea maybe i should just write about my apocalyptic nightmare instead?
*ok i did one i can’t listen to it though it makes me want to put my head into a wall fil is going to listen to it when he gets home.
I’ve been a reader of yours for a few years now (well…maybe only a year or so…hard to keep track), found out about you through the ever wonderful Matt Good
anyways, the reason I’m writing you is to tell you how much I love your writing, and how you can write about anything and everything and make it interesting. the best though is that you have seriously one of THE hottest voices EVER.
and I only just discovered that through the initiation videos. wow. If I had more money and didn’t live abroad I’d wear one of your propaganda shirts EVERYDAY
anyways. yeah. thanks for your blog! tara
should i do recordings of reading my posts/other shit like it is storytime?
CHECK THIS OUT NO IT IS NOT A PENIS SPLIT DOWN THE MIDDLE. nsfw. here is another holy shit, kirk.
i like when i write emo stuff cos i get a thousand emails from people telling me how miserable they are and how i am like joan of arc to them or something here is an email:
dude, i so know what you mean about all of this. i think it has something to do with mississauga as i have been stuck here my whole life and i am surprised i am not dead yet (not for lack of trying unfortunately). let me just say one thing, and don’t think i am being cheesy or whatever, but you making it through that time gives me some hope that one day i will join you in having a better life. your blog is not just about random stuff you do, you are a human being and sharing these sorts of things make people who are still singing that song feel better. fuck your haters, you keep it real. your blog has helped keep me sane over the past two months while i was unemployed and sad and messed up. thanks for helping me out.
p.s. sorry for the emoness of this e-mail, but i thought you should get some credit for this post. i also hope you plan to go see Bright Eyes with fil so i can blog-spot you and get excited like a twelve year old backstreet boys fan
here is something pathetic i did once to make you miserables out there feel a little less miserable. when i was living in mississauga after my crazy nervous breakdown i was a total loner, i did not go out, i was taking lithium and i could barely even talk or come up with anything original or creative it felt like the end of the world for me honestly i use to walk around the house singing that song carlton banks sang on fresh prince of bel-air and tyra banks as jackie catches him and they slow dance except when i sang it, it was ten times more pathetic cos i was in my pajamas and i never showered and would lean in a doorframe sighing LONELY IM SO LONELY I HAVE NOBODY FOR MY OWN.
i didn’t shave my beaver either cos i wasn’t getting laid my self-esteem was ZERO and i had no friends no one called me i called no one my life sucked i had no money and no booze. my hair was falling out too and the lithium made me get up early so i couldn’t even sleep away my depressing life so i would lie sideways on the couch and watch every single morning talk show, i obsessed about being on the price is right, i had decided that it was the ONLY thing that could save my life that was my high hope that is as outside of the box i could think, my limit. plinko was it for me. thinking back on all this now i’m surprised i didn’t kill myself. i even dreamed about getting into a car accident cos at least that would be something and maybe i would have some cool scars on my face under my eye i dunno.
so anyway the one pathetic thing i did during this time on top of many other pathetic things was walk to the plaza by myself one afternoon in the cold and purchased a box of laura secord chocolates, brought them home to my room and stood eating all the ones i liked the best, and going to the bottom tray finishing off those fuckers too. i did this standing up staring out the window and totally spaced out i felt ok this is the lowest of the low lauren you are a total hurtbag, i was probably crying too. ok no i wasn’t but you can pretend that i was crying and eating chocolates by myself in my tiny childhood bedroom with the lilac floral wallpaper.
then i brought the box of rejects downstairs and left it on the kitchen table for my brother and his girlfriend to go through, which they did but still left a bunch behind to which i just threw in the garbage the next morning feeling like a complete tool.
laura secord chocolates can only be enjoyed if you are trying to greed as many of them as you can at a christmas party.
maybe one day i will tell you what my actual low-point is.
at that time i thought i would never have a boyfriend ever again no one would ever want me and it doesn’t even seem silly now to me even though it completely is that’s how bad depression can get that’s how fucking awful lithium is my thought-process was completely valid at the time i felt, at 20 my life was fucking over.
don’t ever go on lithium unless you HAVE TO.
i didn’t get laid for six months and to some of you that’s a SO WHAT i mean i didn’t have affection or proper human contact for six fucking months and i guess i am still bitter about it.
and on top of all this everyone was bossing me the fuck around reverting me back into a child telling me what to do and being nosy and bringing up the shit i had already just gone through to use against me. my mom made me go to these drug/alcohol meetings at the hospital which i was kicked out of cos i never talked re: lithium i am probably going to write a book about those classes. i mean these people were all in their forties, fifties, sixties and here i am 20, i looked completely healthy compared to all of them it was silly my being there. fucking thanks mom.
they would look at me like why are you here you haven’t had a drink or any drugs in MONTHS and you don’t seem to be having trouble with it ME on the other hand i just got high last nite and my hands are shaking like crazy…
i felt like a fraud and i couldn’t even speak i was so nervous cos of the lithium so i probably looked like some college student sitting in to take notes on addiction i dunno.
so that was my life, doing nothing all day long then once a week an alcohol/drug addiction class and then sometimes i would go to adapt where my counsellor swore a lot to “relate” to me while my mom killed time shopping at winners. one time she made me walk to the plaza where winners was after my appointment to meet up with her so that i could be “more independent” (well actually so she could have more time to shop uninterrupted) and in order to get there i had to walk alongside a highway what the fuck i got the whole “being more independent” shit but walking alongside a highway w/o even a sidewalk and meanwhile i am a neurotic lithium mess? fun times kids. i think that day i screamed at her to buy me some shoes too. we do not get along.
boz’s raymi junk package he won second place but didn’t want the jt cd so i sent him a bunch of junk that is more or less equivalent to a justin timberlake cd man i have used the word equivalent twice today. here is what he did to win.
if you want a bunch of junk too mail me something cool in exchange, or do something for me.
would you be interested in reading a story about a dude who lives someplace rural and is in love with the girl next door who is kind of autistic and crazy and they form a bond and his family is like dude she is fucked up and he is like i don’t care so they spend many afternoons going on adventures together through fields and forests and they go to this tree where there is a swing and they hang there a lot and then eventually this other hot girl moves to town and dude’s family is all go for her! and he is all no i hate her but then his autistic girlfriend falls out of a tree onto her head and is in a coma and everyone thinks she is going to die so then dude goes for the new girl and then one day magically the autistic girl comes out of her coma and lost some of her memory but the fall seemed to have made her less autistic somehow so she is walking to that tree cos she has some happy memories about it tucked deep into her mind but no recollection of the dude (this part coming is equivalently dramatic as the part in bridges of madison county where meryl streep has to decide over her family or clint eastwood and her hand is on the door handle of the truck and it is pounding rain) but then she spots him at the tree with the new girl and she is on the swing and it all comes FLOODING BACK to her days spent with her boyfriend drinking lemonade on blankets running through cornfields all that shit and he sees her their eyes meet bla bla and the new girl is all what’s going on and by this point they’ve been together over a year so he has feelings for her but when he sees autistic chick all those feelings go away and he runs to her but autistic chick is already beating it out of there so there’s a chase scene now and the new girl is chasing dude who is chasing autistic girl she makes it to her driveway and cuts across the street and this is the part i don’t know what next, hit by a truck? i dunno. anyway the important thing is that the autistic girl is super hot/crazy and wears amazing dresses all the time and droopy socks and old man shoes and she has long dark hair and the new chick is annoyingly blond and pale and plain and makes really bad sandwiches like winnie from big top pee wee.
