me: ok you know how you convinced me to get fil a bbq
well i did
and i bought 4 pc utensil set
charcoal
and liter fluid

merkley???: cool

me: and i bartered into getting a 10% discount
everything came out to be 180$
and then i had to get him to come pick me up cos i couldnt carry it

merkley???: plus steaks

me: no steaks
so this dude helped me put it in the backseat
this was saturday
and so fil doesnt look back at it or anything
and then hes kinda guessing and then figures it out once i drop major hints

merkley???: shhesh
get control

me: then he says oh we arent allowed to have charcoal bbqs, cos of by-laws

me: !!

merkley???: oh

me: and so i cried like a baby all the way home in the car and up the stairs
and now we have to return everything and i am embarrassed and want to die

merkley???: and i’m watching curb your enthusiasm right now
and i feel like larry david

me: anyway i dont ever want to shop at that store again cos i was kinda being lippy to one dude

merkley???: awe

me: who was being all know it all meanwhile i knew everything he was saying
so i said to fil i am not returning it with him but i have to cos i have to help carry the charcoal and the utensils and the lighter fluid
so when fil walks in with it i am going to dump everything on the counter and then run away

merkley???: that
ha ha

me: and then avoid that entire block for the rest of my life
i should have just bought him a fucking rocket

merkley???: oops

me: so this entire day i have been scared and anxious and depressed because of that bbq
so i just wanted to say THANK YOU MERKLEY FOR CONVINCING ME TO GET FIL A BBQ

merkley???: it was your idea
i just supported you

me: yes but you talked me into it
you tricked me
ps you are not larry david
so dont tell me to get control

**UPDATE**

me: ooooh i just relaised that i dont have to go in to help fil return
i have to just watch the car
yay

merkley???: nice

me: ha
the thing i am worried about tho u will appreciate this insignif thing seeing as u are a larry david fan now
i did not receive a 10% discount on the liter fluid i purchased it separately as an after-thought
and i also cockily chucked out the receipt for it

merkley???: and they will dick you on it

me: so i paid full price 4.55
well provided they even let him return it

merkley???: so gay about the bylaws

me: they will prolly give him a store-credit
now cos i am being a pussy about not returning it with him i will not be able to argue about four dollars and fifty five cents which i am bummed about
cos it’s the principle

merkley???: very larry david for sure

me: i hope he gets the same guy who was there who cashed me out
i think he was chinese
are chinese people notorious for their memories?

merkley???: nope
just slanty eyes

me: omg merkley
i am going to have to edit that out

merkley???: no way
its funny

me: well my part was funny you just jerked it up

merkley???: unless you actually hate asians which i suspect you might
you didnt even ha hahaha
you are blameless
its all on me

me: i have a massive asian obsession actually

merkley???: well they are fantastic drivers

me: also when i was there impulsively buying up the world to which they probably think i am a lunatic i was bragging about working at a hardware store, same company, diff location, for five years
well i politely mentioned it once

dick in a box

did i ever blog about the time i rode an ambulance to the hospital with my two roommates during the norwalk virus outbreak in toronto and i was still high from ecstasy the nite before and so i had to sit in the emergency room for multiple hours on no sleep and sketchy and she was on a gurney moaning and yelling in pain and people kept coming in with blood all over them and screaming and then two days later i got the norwalk virus and then lucas got it too?

i don’t know how i was able to do all that ER waiting without puking.

then i got everyone at work sick with it too.

TORONTO RULES!

fil doesn’t believe me that any of this ever happened and everytime we talk about it i lose my fucking mind he thinks that somehow i got some *other* flu virus that must have also been sweeping the city at the time.

sure fil, you’re right cos YOU were there and i imagined all of it. you can even go into my archives and read about it.

anyway that was some scary painful shit it was like please i want to die. nurses and doctors were prescribing tylenol 3s like mad.

this article just reminded me that i am never shaking hands with anyone ever again.

i’m re-reading the robber bride i first read it a thousand years ago before i knew anything about toronto and spinster insecure jealous toronto wives and the annex but now i live here and basically the annex should be called the robber bride.

we drove past a paper store in oakville that specialises in stamps and envelopes and fancy paper and i said this should just be called the NEVER GOING TO GET A HUSBAND STORE.

when i lived in maine i had a paper and envelopes and writing letters obsession i was basically margaret atwood except with stupid flippy hair. it’s sad to write letters to people when you are living in the middle of nowhere like everything i wrote was on this expensive paper and i covered everything in stickers and doodles basically i had way too much time on my hands. i should have just blogged more. if you got a letter from me back then scan it andrea i know i sent you one. black out anything that might be incriminating.

i wrote that three page vice ruined my life letter/article when i lived in maine and they published it along with the tit picture i sent that i did not want them to print i only sent it cos i was being manipulative so the first coolest thing i had in print i couldn’t even brag about to my parents cos of that tit picture and then in the following issue someone said they liked my letter and they (gavin) said they thought it was boring and i was a slut.

anyway, if you ever need to catch up on some correspondence, move somewhere remote for three months during the winter and drink martinis everyday.

oh i decided last nite that i am going to let my eyebrows grow in like caterpillars i think people will take me more seriously in the right way if i have bushy eyebrows they will be forced into thinking i am extremely profound like sean connery in finding forrester don’t be jealous cos i thought of it first you can be sean connery in something else.

What Classic Movie Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

ONE YEAR AGO TODAY

so everyone ended up making out with each other saturday nite on account of my drunklor split personality and then samir was all why won’t anyone make out with me!? and he couldn’t handle me and sharpie being trashy bulldykes at the horseshoe, but it’s not my fault, she said that i talk too much and then mouth-raped me after i shoved her up against the wall and slobbered all over her. and then after i told her and fil to kiss i immediately regretted it cos i got all jealous and on the way back in the taxi i was all DID YOU ENJOY IT TELL ME THE TRUTH!???

and everyone gave me the silent treatment and the next morning fil woke up still drunk and talked really loud and wouldn’t shut up meanwhile steve was going to jump off the balcony to go get some food cos he didn’t want to leave the door unlocked.

so i won everybody I WON and now as your fearless leader and president of the girls with long hair club i will um i will uh, carry on like before, except skinnier yes that’s right i vow to be skinnier and funnier and hotter and 50% more shallow and offensive and catty oh when it is time appropriate of course.

for example last nite during dinner at fil’s mom’s i made a period joke when fil was having roast seconds and it was mentioned that he likes his meat bloody and i piped up OH I GUESS I SHOULD MAKE A PERIOD JOKE and that was the joke. another time during sunday dinner fil was going through my purse for something and being all ginger about it and someone made a guys-going-through-girl’s-purses line and i said WELL IT’S NOT LIKE THERE IS A FETUS IN THERE OR ANYTHING.

in case you forgot or are new, this blog is about THINGS THAT I SAID IN REAL LIFE BEFORE TODAY and it is awesome.

this blog is also about IRRATIONAL THOUGHTS OF THE BOOGIEMAN as well as MY BOWEL MOVEMENTS and OLDSCHOOL TELEVISION SHOWS AIRED SOLELY ON THE CHRISTIAN NETWORK.

it’s funny, fil and i couldn’t be further from christianity but we like to get geared up for friday drunkenings by watching some good ole wholesome shit it’s comforting and this is where some psycho-babbler says THAT IS YOUR INNER DEMONS CALLING OUT.

fil was on his first glass of fancy wine friday nite and the simpsons were on and in the episode they were also drinking fancy wine and i called out to fil from the bedroom DO YOU LIKE THAT YOU ARE DRINKING RED WINE AND THE SIMPSONS ARE TOO IS IT LIKE YOU ARE HAVING A LITTLE PARTY RIGHT NOW?

fil said yes.

seriously i just don’t know why the lcbo hasn’t sponsored me yet.

did you see that two-headed girl thing on tlc yesterday?

i had a bunch to say about it today but i forgot everything oh well one thing fil told me to SHUT UP when i was talking over the tv cos he was obsessed with the piece on them. um not to be a sicko but when they masturbate who gets the orgasm? i doubt they both experience one i don’t think an orgasm that powerful even exists. the right head seemed to be more dominant of the two and anyway ya wow. if i was in the car with them when they were driving i would probably be so scared and anxious i would jump out the window and roll into the gutter and get my skin all road rashed.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DINKY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111

i think that i am going to start a club for girls with long hair and the stipulations are if you want to join

1. you must be a girl with long hair

or

2. you must be a girl planning to grow your hair long

3. NO BOYS ALLOWED but they are allowed to offer opinions though they will not be official members

these are the things we will talk about/do in my club:

-long hair
-brushing
-what long hair looks like with little stickers and barettes and tiny miniature trinkets in it
-hats
-celebrities with long hair
-how cheesy guys look with long hair (most)
-hair balms and pomade
-shampoo&conditioner brands
-blow drying
-contempt for short hair
-ms paint long hair drawings
-discuss my sexual discrimination case of not allowing male club members

and more!

the club will be called GWLH and it will likely disband after 4 hours bye.