i am reading this book right now and it is fucking hilarious. this is the same guy who also wrote running with scissors which you know is in theatres right now or was, anyway, this book he did first i believe, read it. it will make you do either one of two things 1. drink profusely or 2. quit drinking
it’s black comedy and it took me 40 pages to realise the narrator was gay despite blowjob references on the third page my mind just blocked it out i guess. jared READ IT. it’s 5.99 at chapters/indigo right now hardcover go get it.
here is everything i bought fil for his birthday/xmas, fil do not click any of these links, everyone else don’t be a prick and blow the surprise you can express your gratitude of being provided with something new to look at on my crap-o-blog by being silent. oh you can say things like cool and decent and nice and how thoughtful if you feel so inclined.
from now on whenever i pick out something for fil i am going to link it and then i will make a whole new blog and fill it with all the things i ever purchased/picked out for fil i am tired of him getting all the credit for my super cool style i am the reason he has a moustache, it’s true and a beard and all that other stuff growing off his face oh and sometimes i catch him using my material too.
as per NO ONE’S request, here is my drawing of a GOAT:
fil asked what the fuck was wrong with me and how could i not draw a goat? i said it was because goats are very racist, put my hand over my mouth and mumbled some words that don’t exist and walked away. i felt like i won that round.
and this is what i am giving my brother for christmas:
i am not required to get him anything this year cos i didn’t get his name for kris kringle but i am one of those people who likes to make everyone else look bad come birthday time and xmas by showing up with stuff to buy their love. it’s also somewhat of a dis on account of his stingyness for last year’s present. he pulled my name, bought something for mom and dad and everyone SAVE FOR THE ONE PERSON HE WAS SUPPOSE TO, ME. then he gave me some money when i figured out i got shafted once we were at my nana and papa’s house, but ten minutes later asked for some of it back. haha. he got me a napoleon dynamite hat but not a trucker hat nowhere close to cool, it was the style that homeless people wear or bitches who exercise. ugly. sorry shawn, that’s dem apples mang.
let this be a lesson to the world, if you give me a bullshit present ever i will blog about it so hard you will have a nervous breakdown every time my birthday and xmas come around.
oh and here is the picture i drew of batman and robin that cafepress would not allow for me to use on t-shirts and other merchandise cos they are homophobic. nah, i think it’s cos of the batman logo.
look out michelangelo!
i got fil to try on a sweater i bought him for his birthday but with his eyes closed so he wouldn’t know what it was. i am smart.
also we put up the lites last nite i was pretty sneaky about it. i got up and started opening the boxes and once fil saw me do that he joined in and TOOK OVER haha and then he put them up all sloppy and ignored everything i sad about how to wrap them nicely it looks like an autistic giraffe strung them up.
once we were done i said i knew that would happen and it was my plan all along.
then i scoffed at his earlier guestimate of the length of our railing he said thirty feet and good thing i got two boxes of lites then he put on a santa hat, fetched the tape measure and went into I AM THE MYTHBUSTERS mode.
i can’t decide whether to wear heels tonite or my big black santa boots, i guess the boots are easier and go with the whole santa vibe but heels are sluttier, no? i don’t really know how to rock heels so much anymore, ok i do but i walk EXTREMELY slow and it’s like i had a make-over when i wear them cos i’m all awkward and gay and then i get really fidgety and nervous and drink far too much and then start doing the I AM THE MOST OBNOXIOUS PERSON IN THE UNIVERSE routine.
and in my head when i am speaking i think that i sound like: e=mc squared, ten to the power of 10 and pi is 3.14 bla bla calculator excelsior interface c++ 101110010 111 0101 110 101010 1
but really i sound like this: SCRAGGILY RAAAAAAAAAH ARGG BLURRRRRRRG SnoOOOOOT snot frrrrap sdglrekiY(*^*&$65c ytgcjn
so maybe i should just wear the boots. though i know i will get more loaded in them because i have more courage and i am less likely to fall down some stairs out the window and into the street.
look it’s me in my i am kurt cobain stage except my plaid shirt is buttoned way up to my neck and my hair is slicked back like i am from the spanish harlem, yay!
poor parents yo, they must’ve been like why can’t my daughter be normal or dress like a girl even?
i’d be like you are not coming with us if you are going to look like a lesbo.
beerfest is HILARIOUS, rent it. accepted is garbage, don’t rent it, unless you are fourteen you will not be all about it. only watched half. between art school confidential and accepted, art school confidential is like scarface, classic. however, i do have a tiny crush on that guy in accepted who is also in those mac commercials, i think it’s cos of his three-dimensionally oval-shaped head/face, if he were a dinosaur he would be a pterodactyl, see:
to distract myself from the stress of this popularity contest i went out and blew a lot of money but not on myself, for once. fil’s birthday is dec. 17 and then right around the corner is christmas so i have to plan ahead and buy two huge presents i’m thinking of dumping him on december 16 and then getting back together after christmas haha i knew/know someone who does this except breaks up with his girlfriend before the weekend so he can fuck around and then reconciles on monday GENIUS. yeah that’s pretty shady but how dumb and passive does a lady gotta be to give in to something like that? i dunno.
i bought those LED lights that don’t waste as much electricity as the regular xmas lights do because i am captain planet, apparently. i wanted to get those red blue purple amber multi-coloured packs but they’re all gone everywhere so i bought red instead i dunno if we are even allowed to have lights on our balcony and cos lights are seasonal if i want to return them i get credit only SO if it turns out no lights allowed mom your kris kringle christmas present will be a home hardware gift certificate and that’s what you get for rigging the kris kringle ballots like last year.
zing.
one of the dudes at home hardware was telling me about the government giving $5 off LED xmas lights and it just ended yesterday or something and then he went on and on about other stuff and i was tuning him out, not on purpose i’m just really tired from the eaton centre and shopping and so he finished talking and i go OH OH YEAH EH LIKE A SCAM? i was sort of listening and decided for some reason he was talking about something scammish then his face turned into a question mark and he fussed over this dog that walked in because clearly i am a simpleton and i let him prattle on like i was a retard about icicle lites and regular stranded lites and didn’t feel like saying UH DUH I KNOW THIS I WORKED AT A HOME HARDWARE FOR 5 YEARS sometimes it’s easier to play dumb i could tell everyone had the about to be closing mania and i didn’t want to be stuck chatting up forevs.
i rented beerfest and accepted and if i win best blog i will review them tomorrow during my champagne and schnapp’s hangover so if you know what’s good for you i would vote as much as possible before the nite is through.
tomorrow i will let fil be the man and wrap the xmas lites on the railing it’s funny how he is in 100% denial of my potential ability of doing DIY projects even though i rescreened the bedroom window all by myself so his reward for being a sexist dick is standing in the cold, hungover and crabby while i ignore him completely from indoors.
merkley???: what are you going to do with your fame as best blog in canada?
me: not shut up about myself
merkley???: do you think it might turn you more crazy? or do you think it will calm you down
me: why would it make me more crazy you think like lindsay lohan? i hope so cos then i can lose a bunch of weight
merkley???: turn into a cokehead you mean?
me: no i did that already, briefly tho do you mean full of myself more than i already am?
merkley???: yeah but i like you that way
me: is that even possible
merkley???: so it will probably be good
me: yeah cos i can say things like I LIKE TO CREATE ATMOSPHERE and people will be forced to take me/it seriously
merkley???: ha
me: i said that in an interview once for sex tv, they didnt use the line tho my friends were in the next room listening in and one texted me saying YOU’RE BLOWING IT ahahahhahahaha
merkley???: nice
me: i was high as hell and drunk and on the cusp of a nervous breakdown three hour taped interview, 40 seconds they aired jesus fucking trainwreck
merkley???: i wanna see it
me: i didnt even see it i passed out on atavan 2 minutes before it came on re: nervous breakdown
merkley???: although i always get a little weirded out when i hear you talk because i had a different voice for you in my head before i ever actually heard yours
me: i have various voices, im either deep, raspy or high pitched valley girl, that’s when im drunk
please vote for me now so that i can be your lindsay lohan of canada thank you.
