RAYMI’S GUIDE TO HANGING WITH CELEBRITIES
if you want celebrities to think you are cool enough to deal with then you have got to be interesting, i cannot stress that enough, and what you think that you are? no no i’m sorry, go back, do it again and then come back. people ask me all the time HEY RAYMI HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET RON SPARKS TO COMMENT ON YOUR MYSPACE? (just kidding ron sparks, no one asked me that) and i say it is because i am SOCIALLY ENGAGING also, being good looking won’t fucking kill you either. if you can, be that. um what else, oh be funny, if you aren’t interesting then you at least have to be funny, if you can’t make a toddler laugh then you have NO CHANCE at hanging with a celebrity, no dice.
you basically want to lube them into thinking hey why the FUCK is this person hanging out with me i am a pile of garbage and they, THEY are FUCKING AWESOME.
also it is a major plus if you have at least one eccentric friend who will do anything you tell them for the sake of entertainment like HEY JOSH GO LICK THAT GARBAGE CAN, hilarity ensues. see, hanging with celebrities can be nerve-racking for both parties, they are kind of unsure as to why they are hanging with you so it’s like you’re always being tested and you’re nervous cos you have to like talk about all this shit, talking can be hard, so if you have a friend that is licking a garbage can you and your celebrity can talk about THAT.
simple.
another plus is having an acquaintance present that you DO NOT LIKE, this can open up the shit-bagging bag which is ALWAYS fun and gets the ball rolling for your celebrity friend to shit-bag their nemesi. that word isn’t real i don’t think but it is FUCKING COOL TO SAY i just pictured myself with a silencer pp7 in a black one-piece squatting behind a corner and i was mouthing that word which brings me to my next tip, remeber how i said be interesting, non-sequitors are a big part of being interesting, use them and use them often.
example:
hey isn’t it funny how COWABUNGA sounds like COWAJUNGA?
i just got a picture text message from my friend jamie of an elephant, having a cellphone is handy cos then you can be like hey look A PICTURE OF A FUCKING ELEPHANT, nice save jamie. if you can, get your friends to text you but not too many texts DON’T GET GREEDY, you are not a douchebag drug dealer and you are not yuppie mcflappy important talking on the phone non-stop annoying pants, if you want your celebrity to go away that is a sure-fire way of making it happen, dicknose.
uh what else oh yeah if celebrity gets bored they will go elsewhere in search of fun.
booze and blow are an obvious duh, having those things readily available is like wearing shoes, fucking WEAR THEM.
ok good luck.
me: im writing a guide to hanging with celebrities
merkley???: thats great
did you want some pointers?
me: no
merkley???: celebrities also like to be preached to
but you have to wait until they ask advice
me: right
well i dont want to be insulting
merkley???: celebrities are generally very insecure and fame is a way of masking that fact
but yeah — interesting — you have to be interesting if you want ANYONE to really like you
merkley???: also, make celebrities follow you
get up and leave
if you have done your job with the interesting/funny thing, they will follow
me: ya go across the street to buy a sandwich and some smokes and then turn around in line and you are like oh, hi
merkley???: and when they try to get you to party — say nah — i’m not really into that shit, i think i’m gonna go home and work on my blog
then when they finally do convince you to have one more drink — roll your eyes as you do the shot
like its so beneath you
like fun is for fags
in fact say that a lot
FUN IS FOR FAGS
also — its good to point at people who are really having a lot of fun and say stuff like “thats sad”
wait — i’m talking about how to hang out with sean penn
thanks — you’ve been great, don’t forget to tip your waitresses –
merkley???: whatever ignorer — that was some funny shit
me: dude im laughing my ass off right now
pitt is over
he just answered the fone CAPTAIN PITT
if someone called me in front of a celebrity i would answer the fone captain raymi
also he went to starbucks and asked the baristas if they ever pretend to be like sean penn from i am sam (retard who works at starbuck’s) and they just looked at him like he was being a prick
hmm it appears i have missed quite a few what should have been obvious pointers i mayhaps have to do a redux. saying mayhaps is ok but only if you say it no more than twice a year. redux is good too. you also need to be arrogant but not unjustifiably arrogant, you need to be arrogant with a sprinkle of humility and you have to be genuine. ok that is all good luck at being me, basically.
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