i forgot to tell you that on sober nite this week i went to the drug store intending to buy conditioner but i got shampoo instead cos i am a genius and i went to wash my hair yesterday thinking oooh i love new conditioner day and then i have a huge pile of shampoo in my hand after i had already shampooed and then realised it wasn’t conditioner and my thought was like this, “uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” for a whole minute and then i sighed. this is a pretty good story wait it gets better so then i shampoo my hair again cos i’m mad right and so of the two conditioner bottles and their dregs i do the poor-man thing by adding water to each and then shaking them until they turn into diluted condish i’m all nigela and whisking that shit together, ahem.

so we went to the drug store last nite before returning our movie and also before having a pint and i buy conditioner FOR REAL this time and so i’m carrying this white plastic bag with me everywhere we go like it’s “a happening” i considered putting leaves in it too but i don’t anyway we go to tranzac i’m smoking and we overhear all these i don’t know what you even call them new-wave hippies turned hipster turned schmucks? they’re talking about how awesome it is to work with their hands you know like days spent on their knees just working and getting dirty and this one girl says OH YEAH SHE’S PAINTING NOW YOU KNOW PAINTING and then admits that whoever SHE is, is in fact HOUSE PAINTING.

fil and i pretended to be like them and talked about how honest and real this one guy is who doesn’t exist and we talked about cuddle parties and hacky sacks like we belonged and then went to labyrinth lounge for a pint cos well too much suckyness and hugging and clove cigarettes anyway fil goes in to order and i grab a table and THE ARTIST do you remember him? the nite tony pierce and i were at green room he told me how he is an artist a hundred times well he was doing the drunk pee pee dance around this outdoor heater and he chats me up like he has zero recollection of our previous encounter and he fully ignores fil even refers to him as MY FRIEND ahaha and he goes on and on about his art and everything in his life and he disses women a lot and he is saying how he is an artist and i say OH YEAH WHAT KIND OF ART i’m trying to get him to say the I WORK WITH LIGHT line again and fil picked up on that but he didn’t say it too bad. he did say a bunch of annoying rambly manic shit and i thought it was funny how he didn’t remember me i mean he has fucking pictures of me even.

oh he even mentioned how he lost his phone which killed me cos the first time i met him it rang twenty times and he was all about his phone and he even mentioned it anyway yeah he said pretty much everything about himself that he could in five minutes not asking me or fil anything he said he was a scientific engineer or something to which i said oh yeah fil’s an engineer and pointed at fil’s ring but the artist kept going on about some woman and other garbage.

eventually he went away and it left us in a bad mood cos he hogged our one beer out time so we walked home to watch shitty porn and that emergency room show.

ps. don’t go thinking that i am mean blogging about this now like a total coward, at the time of listening i was very polite, nodded my head a lot and said things like COOL and SWEET and DECENT.

PORNO CID

oh right! now i remember what i was thinking about when i couldn’t sleep.

i was thinking of all the witty things i would say as a guest on david letterman, shit about how we’re finally getting over the “safety generation” but unfortunately we are now the generation that knows way too much about itself like blabbity blah i am bipolar/ADHD/body dysmorphic/post modern modern…fuck off what happened to THAT’S A BOY HE PLAYS WITH TRUCKS and THAT’S A GIRL SHE GOES TO THE MALL?

my skin was very dewy and david letterman nodded in agreement to everything i said and was like can you be my new drew barrymore?

just letting you know that this is the best picture in the entire world even better than a picture of fil‘s penis going into my vagina ok bye.

ps here are some dope school photos of my older brother you are welcome i think the last two were during his sweater phase though i’m *not sure.

*not sure is funny cos obviously i AM SURE cos he’s WEARING SWEATERS.

mayhaps i should write a disclaimer guide for my blog explaining the parts where you laugh.

ok here is an awesome story i think i might have blogged it years ago when it happened but i don’t know – if you find it you win a cheesy e-card sent from me. ok.

sandra and i went to lava lounge years ago i think this was before i had short hair and went to england which means i was probably 17? anyway back then i was way into faking english accents when i went out boozing and so sandra and i made our way to lava lounge and got in, that place was always pretty lax on carding, and we had a couple hours to drink as much as possible until ward would pick us up and drive us back to mississauga so we drank pina coladas and vodka tonics beers whiskey sours serious shit all while pretending to be british and we managed to find the ONLY british dudes in the place to chat us up and buy us jager shots FUN i love back-peddling my way out of potentially mega embarrassing situations whilst drizzunk!

anyway howling hour came so we toodle-oo’d our new friends who were none the wiser or really even gave a shit that two drunkards were faking accents at lava lounge so we’re driving home i’m in the front and i get the major spins and i ask ward to pull over on the highway i get out and climb the side of the highway hills to puke in privacy. it’s pitch dark and i am leaning over with my hands on my knees and i can’t puke i think ok cool false alarm so i go back to the car and get in and two minutes later make him pull over again cos the upping wants a chucking but this time around there isn’t a chance to go on a side of the highway adventure for a nice scary place to puke i have to do it right there in front of traffic with one hand steadying me against his car and i got a ton of puke on my shoes too.

anyway we get back to sandra’s and i crash there but not before puking a ton more in her bathroom first and her mom asked her the next day if i puked there and sandra played dumb.

the moral of the story is pina coladas = VOMITSAUROUS REX when also combined with the entire universe of booze in two hours the end.

fucking merkley texted me at 6.30am and woke me out of a nice deep sleep and i couldn’t get back to sleep til 9 and he won’t even apologize for it. i had to listen to fil’s various styles of loud breathing for over two hours my favorite!

i was trying to think of the cuntiest email to send merkley but then i started thinking about buying myself stuff instead.

the moral of the story is fuck you merkley.

noel‘s creations are viewable in magic pony‘s storefront window right now ya’lls!

the COULD THIS BE MORE LIKE SEINFELD line was pretty amazing i don’t know why you guys insist on taking my sense of humor for granted.

oh yeah i forgot to add that sandra’s mom has her own cleaning business and sandra use to clean with her after school, sandra and i go back to kindergarden, anyway, she is also italian so this means she will be in her head compiling a list of all the dusty surfaces and fingerprints and smudges of our condo so i have one hour to clean everything and make my hair not look greasy cos today is not bath day though it could’ve been but come on it’s ME here. oh yeah sandra is also going to be a for real opera singer. could this be more like seinfeld?

bye.