ASK RAYMI

Hello Raymi!

Thanks, T.

Dear T you remind me of my best friend in highschool who i got to drive me to the mall so i could meet up with dudes i was fucking and then he would drive me home, HE RULED!

you are what we call THE STRING ALONG, she knows yer a weakling and she has to tell you she likes you enough so you don’t go off to be some other girl’s nancy boy, get it? tell her to fuck off forever then go to a strip club.

you aren’t growing or maturing at all cos of this bitch and i bet if you start dating someone else she’ll try and end it by telling you she likes you, bla bla, you’ll fall for it then she’ll STRING YOU ALONG SOME MORE HOLY SHIT IS EVERYONE ON CRAZY PILLS!?!?!??!?!!?!

move the fuck on and if it just so happens that she ends up single when you are, have SEX with her then BAIL.

i dunno.

good luck, raymi

Hi Raymi,

Just to let you know I check your website every now and then to see if you are still behaving decently.

And you are and you look better all the time!

Greetings from Holland,

Andrew

ok i know FOR FACT now that no one likes me in this building.

i was coming in behind another woman and the super says hello how are you to her and then NOTHING absolutely NOTHING to me and then the woman looks over her shoulder and also does NOT acknowledge me.

everyone says hi to fil, zero people say hi to me, except for the weird euro lady next door when she’s doing laundry in her see-thru t-shirt dress other than that everyone in this building HATES ME. i bet they get together, fil included, in the lobby downstairs and have meetings about how much they hate me and then when i come in with groceries they pretend to discuss flower-bedding.

anyway, i hate them too and i hate them more when they say hi to me when fil is present but go back to snubbing me when he’s not around or how they say hi when i am letting someone in who’s a friend cos they want to look like a nice neighbor in front of my friend.

i feel like i am stuck in a passive aggressive abusive relationship with my fellow building tenants.

anyway i just had an explosive korean bbq bowel movement, what’s up.

ONE YEAR AGO TODAY

i don’t like living beside the cat lady and her 300 cats anymore because saturday morning i awoke to the sound of the craziest loudest catfight ever and it went on for a good ten minutes or so and then hungover me drifted back to sleep but then some evil woman was beating her rug somewhere in the back alley and at first i thought it was gunshots BLAM BAm BAM BAM bam BAMBAMBAMbam BLAM for twenty minutes. holy shit why don’t you buy a vacuum lady. and also there were a bunch of kids screaming and playing in the back alleyway so loud they may as well have been standing on my bed.

and yesterday i saw fil go zero to psycho in a matter of seconds when this dude honked at him for pulling out too far past the stop sign and so fil double flipped him off and made a retarded fuck you facial expression. i. was. shocked.

now i remember why i was so mad at those cats for waking me up. i was having this wicked cool dream and everyone was complimenting me in it. i don’t remember why they were and what they were saying or who they were unfortunately but the important thing is that i was being complimented and i think i was rich too. but then when i went outside i changed my mind about being angry at the cats because one was sitting beside my bike waiting for me to say hi to him.

ok so i’m thinking my golden 4 in the morning comedy material is not so much golden so i won’t hoard it anymore and i realise that what was meant to be me drunk yelling saying this stuff would make more sense rather than you reading it on my blog, anyway, feel free to leave comedy tips in my comments/email.

so yeh i seriously was going to hit it off with spider commentary, and be like PS. DADDY LONG LEGS WITH YOUR MINI POTATO SHAPED EVERYTHING AND RETARDEDLY POINTLESS LONG LEGS WTF!? then i realised that it wasn’t funny nor did it make sense because then someone would’ve heckled OH YEAH WELL THEIR LEGS ARE LIKE THAT FOR SURVIVAL AND OTHER SCIENTIFIC SHIT then i would turn into rage drunklor and well, you know the rest.

then i was going to make fun of fil’s friend’s parents and this eating tour party thing they were blabbing about where you start eating late afternoon and it goes ’til like 5 in the morning and everyone brings an elaborate course. excuse me? 1. you are both FAT 2. is it really like you will totally lose your fucking mind if you don’t eat something during the five minutes spent waiting for the following meal?! then i was going to harp on their son’s fiancee and her brother but then i realised this would be funny to only ONE person, me.

oh yeah then i was gonna talk about shoulder cats, you know, cats, WITH SHOULDERS!

HYSTERICAL!

fuck you.

chapelle’s show season 3

for reals this time.

yesterday a girl in a white van with writing on it, wearing sunglasses, went RAAAAAAAYMI when it went by me and fil on bloor – i thought it could’ve been sharpie, not sure. who was that? tell me NOW! cos i waved back like a huge retard like i knew who you were and now i feel stupid.

we rented 16 blocks last nite, it’s pretty good, stressful and sort of long. i recommend it.

and here’s what we do on our sober nites:

cid and the under the bedsheet monster

PITT “INTERVIEWS” ME

i haven’t read it yet.