so i dressed in my slutty ms. claus outfit for my neice and told her that i worked parttime for santa claus and she believed every word of my speech and i told her that it has to be kept a secret and i said that i would tell her all about the north pole someday and she said YOU’VE BEEN THERE!? it was adorable. i said santa couldn’t make it but he wanted me to wish her a very merry christmas and he knew that she was a very good girl and very smart and pretty bla bla bla.

then i hit more of that xmas sauce.

upon reading fil‘s blog post i am convinced that my jaw is fucked because i kissed that homeless guy at the horseshoe on his beard/lips and got all this wet stuff on my face. vive le hepatitis b! i like kissing things when i am wasted. stray cats with fleas, homeless guys with zz top beards, you know, whatever.

ok turns out he isn’t homeless, he’s a hobo. he sells that poor people’s paper for sweet moohla and he practically lives at the horseshoe, you’ve probably seen him before. he lives down the street in a rooming house but just cos he has a roof over his head doesn’t mean there isn’t cooties all over him!

matt thinks that i am pure.

so yeah the right side of my face sucks right now, i can’t open my mouth all way and i don’t know what the hell is causing it. it hurts to chew, to open my mouth, to talk a lot. unghh. oh well.

so i almost got shafted out of a gift. we did kris kringle at my dad’s and my brother chose me but totally forgot about it and got my mom and dad each something cool and expensive and me a dinky napoleon dynamite hat but nothing else and it occurred to me last nite at my nana’s that i got fucked and then we got in a huge debate over it and my brother gave me forty bucks but was still pissed off so i gave him back a twenty. mum don’t open your big mouth and tell him about this post for once in your life!

fil got me a pair of campers for xmas and gave them to me on christmas eve day but i wanted to exchange them for a different style and size so i went to the piece of shit boutique he bought them from and i was completely fucking ignored so i walked out and called fil and spazzed out and he said go back and find out the return policy etc and so on so i did and i was ignored AGAIN until one frazzly-haired lady smiled at me and asked if i needed help and i said my boyfriend bought me these shoes, they don’t fit and i wanted to know if you have a catalogue i can look at to find something else and she responded with well i dunno i don’t think we can cos campers is a new product for us and then she said in a major attitudey tone of voice BUT IF YOU DON’T MIND I AM WITH TWO CLIENTS RIGHT NOW and then turned two feet away from me to attend to this couple who were trying on shoes and not even requiring her assistance and i just stood there with my 300 dollar shoes in a box in a bag with my mouth agape and even the couple exchanged looks with me thinking WTF!?!

so i called fil and started crying and said this woman was completely fucking rude to me so he’s gonna go back and return the shoes and say that he is never giving them his business ever again nor are any of his friends because she was rude to his girlfriend.

when he bought the shoes this woman was falling all over herself to help him but because i wasn’t dressed in gold lame (lam-ay) whatever-the-fuck and have my lip pierced i am treated like julia roberts in pretty woman.

FUCK!

like bitch yeh you may have some prospective clients over there but i already am one so once you have my money you don’t have to be nice anymore? I HOPE YOUR STORE BURNS TO THE GROUND WITH YOU INSIDE OF IT!

i hope everyone is enjoying their holidays thus far, as for me, i think i have lock-jaw.

anyway, on christmas eve everyone was caroling at alex’s and we secretly plugged in an amp behind tarley and i began singing along and then produced this microphone and out-sang everybody because i am the best. after that i sang insulting on-the-spot rap songs about every single person in attendance. for example:

subaru wrx sti

“i looked on the interent for the car i wanted and i found one in bullet grey and you can see me flying by you on the highway with a tear in my eye.”

that one was about fil. here’s another one about fil;

“my girlfriend is embarassing me because i have low self-esteem.”

each song was accompanied by my excellent keyboard skills.

last nite i made one up at christmas dinner about aids and then gave it a cancer remix follow-up. then i sang about richard,

“i have a pear and im putting on it chocolate gravy, will it make me fat? i dunno, MAYBE!”

xo