ps the grammys were the epitome of stupid last nite that’s why we rented a movie. every presenter looks awkward and has zero comedic timing skills and then every 2 minutes there’s some black and white photo montage of boring old musicians and then queen latifa is like give it up to little richard like he invented rock and roll and gwen stefani’s shirt was falling apart as in that’s how it was suppose to look. like a joke.
at the beginning of the grammys i said something dumb because i am an airhead and was confused from watching america’s funniest home videos with fil’s parents and laughing at dogs falling on ice so much i guess i destroyed part of my brain anyhow during the musical beginning of various bands playing all at the same time i said hey i didn’t know there was going to be music on this award’s show aren’t they[audience/movie stars] lucky to see that.
then everyone looked at me like i was eating glue because i thought the grammys were the academy awards.
rocky and i are hugging right now because it is valentine’s day and i said happy valentine’s day rocky and he said zero plus three equals burger king meow.
i told fil that if we have to dress up tonite i will only be able to do this if i dress like a librarian or a hooker. he said he is not dressing up. good.
rented Elephant last nite and it is slow moving and arty and disturbing and then it just ends and you’re like guh? it’s basically a rip-off of what happened at columbine except nowhere does it say that it is but you get it once the dudes show up with bombs and guns and combat clothes like they are in a movie. it’s pretty fucked. my dad threw a snowball at the window just as the movie was getting all tense and i got MAD.
i dunno why it’s called elephant because there is nothing about an elephant in it at all. the whole thing is just these highschool dorks walking around the school really slow and then once in awhile it goes in slow motion and you’re like HURRY UP WE GET IT YOU ARE ON YOUR WAY TO THE BATHROOM YOU TEENAGER ARRRRRRRRR.
“Valentine’s Day is just like Christmas except i have higher expectations.” – raymi.
in grade 3 the nite before Valentine’s Day i was very excited and i stayed up all nite in bed not sleeping and i was holding onto the bag of Valentines we got from Woolco that i punched out and wrote everyone’s names on and i just knew that my Valentines were the cooooolest ones in the universe.
but in the morning sitting on my bedroom floor i was going through them and i found one made out to this fat guy mike and it said I LOVE YOU VALENTINE on it and it had a bee and i completely freaked out because this kid had a crush on me and now he was going to think that i loved him and i chose that valentine for him because it was the smallest most modest one in the set and i figured perfect, this dude will now get it because it was the tiniest valentine ever it was basically like a WHO ARE YOU? valentine though that is what i thought it was before i learned that it said I LOVE YOU VALENTINE.
(this is so lisa and ralph a la simpsons btw).
so i go to my mum or dad and show it to them and they are like whatever kid he’s not even going to read it but they didn’t understand AT ALL because Valentine’s day is a major big deal in elementary school it’s like an office work party for eight year olds = STUPID AND STRESSFUL AND EXCITING THOUGH LAME.
i couldn’t use any other valentines because my brother had taken the other half of the book for his class so i went to my sticker book and found a plain sticker of a yellow balloon and i put it over the I LOVE YOU part and went to school.
after lunch we were handing out the shit and i was done fast because i was a hyper know it all show off and so i am sitting at my desk which is facing mike’s desk a few desks away and he is going through his valentine’s with his friends and they come to my valentine and then they look up at me at the same time and so i pretended to be going through my valentines but kind of looking up at them through my stupid big bangs and then i see mike PEELING OFF THE YELLOW BALLOON STICKER and they all read it and the guys are like SCORE like it was an extra valentine feature on the card. i put my head in my desk for a few minutes until the rest of my group came back.
i didn’t tell anyone about it.
at recess mike approached me and asked about the valentine and i came clean about it saying that it was the only one out of the package that said i love you on it and it was an accident and no i do not love you, sorry.
i have to start eating bananas so i can have bowel movements more often and that will be how i can lose weight because not being able to eat substantial food makes me mentally insane more than i already am. we just ate a late breakfast and i went there wearing what i wore last nite and i didn’t wash my hair or anything and my mascara was all fucked and i looked like a crackhead which is suppose to be cool but i still felt bad because the table beside us had four nerds scream-talking to each other about boring shit thinking they are on seinfeld i dunno and i watched this old as dust lady take ten different pills and her daughter ordered for the both of them like she is a control nazi. i was jealous of fil’s bacon because it looked like he had one more piece than i got but then i noticed that there was a secret piece of bacon stuck to one of my pieces of bacon so i stood on my chair and screamed like a raving lunatic at everyone in the diner and told them about my extra bacon and everyone was really jealous.
i like telling people things like they are amazing and interesting things because i know there is absolutely no reason for them to give a shit about what i am talking about but then i make it so they have to act like they do give a shit about what i am saying because i describe things in this abstract way that doesn’t mean anything and it will make the person look mean if they don’t get all into what i am saying.
otherwise i don’t bother talking at all and then they are like dude, why you so quiet and i’m like well do you really feel like hearing about what happened at the card store and how i purposely didn’t say hi to anyone who works there because they are snobs and i am pretty so they are extra snobby because of that and then i looked at all of the cards and i didn’t even buy one! snaaap.
we did a lot of farting last nite and i am not the one who started it. four different places and lots of farting. matt and fil were lying about all these fights that never happened to me because i usually believe everything but i couldn’t believe that because they are not fighters at all. fil invented pacifism and matt just runs his mouth off behind people’s backs. matt came over and waited with us for the part in basic instinct where sharon stone shows her beaver and i took a photo of it and then we went out to meet with the gang for kat’s bday-o-thon which basically was me making fun of everybody dancing and taking photos right in their face and video clips until i used up all my insults.
matt likes farts
i tried to dress like napoleon dynamite with the vote for pedro shirt that’s all fucked up and no one really cared. i talked to matt about it and he was like yeh i saw it last week i liked it and valerie didn’t. and then i told fil about how i invited matt over to have a nerdy napoleon dynamite viewing party with us and he said that matt said he didn’t like that movie. so that was the first lie of the nite.
tonite is another bday thing a ling holy shit can’t people just stop having birthdays what the hell.
