this guy is awesome. obviously. his name is dick shagwell and i assume he is a penis that has a website and he has arms and legs and he fucks good. or he is a fucking DICK asshole meanASS mothafucking prick pussytease and he is in pornography because he was born with a porno name and his parents said oh look, we gave birth to a porno star? and then dick shagwell said, puhlease mama, shut yo’ trap and slapped her in the face and and then he jumped out of the doctor’s arms and karate-chopped off his umbilical cord and was all, PAYCE! and then snoop dogg passed him a joint and he flew away on a magic carpet and had all this money and bitches all over him a lot of the time and got all annoying so he was like, i am going to lay all of you because you are dumb needy bitches and they were like PLEEEEEEEASE!
anyway i am sure he is a nice penis with arms and legs who says funny stuff to hisself and then lets us read it and he did a washrooms piece which made me all reminiscent of my piece when i was 4 years old and typed in raymibonics, sinful!
and ps gavin at rocketpack.org what’s with the fucking google ads, don’t make me take my farticles down.
my friend ward is awesome. one time he stuck a circuit tester i got from the hardware store into the cigarette lighter of his car because he is ADD and i was ignoring him by using his cellfone running up his fone bill and so he got a fantastic idea and it was to touch every area of the interior of the car that was metal to see if there was a current running through it and so once he got to the cigarette lighter it went NREEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOWW and all these sparks flew out at us and the radio and the whole fucking car shut down ‘cos ward blew a trillion fuses but it was ok because we were going to the hardware store anyway ‘cos i had to work so ward hung around the parking lot taking apart his car and once he figured out which fuses to get he went in and my boss and i were laughing at him the entire time because of course i had prepared my boss for ward’s purchasing requirements and why they were required.
i wanted to be a vj and i was younger and less secure with myself and i wasn’t marketable at the time of my audition, read on for the robot email they sent me two years ago.
>
>Thanks for coming to the audition, submitting your
>demo tape and considering MuchMusic as a place you
>would want to work. We had a look at your application,
>audition and tape, and while we appreciate your work,
>it’s not in the Much style we are looking for at the
>moment. If you wish to send in a new tape in a couple
>of months please feel free to do so. We wish you the
>best of luck in your future ventures.
they forgot to say ps. george strombooolupagus wants to eat me out. oh well.
You’re Geek Chic. Offbeat and with a thumbful of calluses, you spend most of your time catching Simpsons reruns and sucking down raspberry Jell-O. However, you’re still a hipster, you’ve still got your own style, and you probably dig the Velvet Underground’s “Who Loves the Sun?”
-girl in pic with raymi is not the author of the following letter.
To LW aka raymitheminx
Dear. abused Friend
I am truly sorry you were a sweatheart and still miss you, but it is much easier to be alone. I wouldn’t like anything more than to be able to wright you every once in a while. I was being “selfish” I know but I’m natural any asshole to those I care about.
On a lighter note I hope that you have started to relax and not worry so much, it’ll be the death of you and show on your face.
lauren I would still love to be your friend because true blue buddies are hard to come by. There is just something about you I love.\ Sorry I just wrote that not even thinking, but there is definently something I really like about. I definently will understand if my being so crass on the phone will lead you to spit in my face, or if you tell me to fuck off, or have someone beat me up, but I must say this.
I have done a lot of thinking and a lot of things since I last saw you. I worked I few nights down in the T.O. got a new job changed houses twice, and went up north with my older friends and they helped me find a balance to it all. It’s been a personal growing peirod that made me see that it is not healthy to sacrifice things that make me happy for my futurie and visa versa.
(Back)->
all I know is I hadto write this to you because I felt like shit but all in all I am just glad I knew all the face’s of lauren.
PS. I would love to see you for a coffe or even talk to you on the phone to see how you are.
If you want to leave me a message you can at *** *** **** but please don’t leave a shity measage with my grandma
My name is Raymi, i am 21 years old and i am a woman, and i have been a product of consumer victimization of the all mighty MegaTouch for seven years now which is great for you, great for me even, because MegaTouch sharpens my senses whilst getting soused in pubs all over the place, specifically in Canada, however, it is not so great for me because it is MY dollar in YOUR pocket(s) and yes, i know it’s a capitalist world we live in, and how great that is, and so on…
anyway, i am writing you now on behalf of the patrons of PrimeTime and myself.
What is PrimeTime?
Well, PrimeTime is a sports bar what used to be known as the Bearded Collie way back when things in this town were less “let’s get modern because that’s how we will make the monies off the rich kids” etc. and this town is Oakville, well actually it’s a city but still, it’s pretty much a town. It’s the richest town in all of North America, basically, and 87 per cent of the population is European.
The town of disposable income, pretty much.
However, not everyone in this town has their shit together enough to work hard and play hard, you know what i mean? Not everyone can afford to MegaTouch their heart and soul while they cry into a pint during cheap wings nite, popping coin after coin after coin into the slot.
And now that the lucrative geniuses you are have upped the prices, we will be forced to MegaTouch not at all because the MegaTouch machine in PrimeTime, essentially the only entertainment in the town of Oakville, is 2 dollars for 2 credits, ahem, where exactly is the fairness in that?
Did you actually think this would work?
We’re pretty angry, you know, we’ve pumped so much money into that thing, mastered all the games, convinced ourselves it wasn’t that bad we were wasting our money because for a dollar one would receive three credits of play and for a twoonie (2 dollar canadian coin) you got six, tho’ in other establishments you get seven credits, what a bargain, don’t you agree?
Anyhow Mr. Ballouz, i don’t intend for the tone of this email to piss you off, i only hope to persuade you to give us more credits for a twoonie, four would be sufficient, two is just plain insulting.
Here we are playing this game 365 days of the year, makin’ ya’ll think oooh it is SO popular, we’ll put some new flashy games, give ‘em less credits for their $$$ and WE will be RICH.
Honestly though, MegaTouch was just fine the way it was without having to add some hokey TVguide crossword game to it.
How would you react if you were in my position?
I know, you would simply NOT PLAY MEGATOUCH because you wouldn’t be able to afford it, tho’ you’re addicted so you will play it anyway, right? Just like hiking cigarette prices? Fantastic.
We’ll play it anyway, you think? You hope?
Time will only tell.
Anyhow, yes I have considered that it is possible that you have absolutely nothing to do with any of this sort of thing, though you do have the fancy VP title of sorts and really, a response from you and yours, i know will not grace my inbox, this simply was/is a writing excercise for me and my fanbase and this whole email will be on my website, so, yeh, thanks for your time.
i am still your friend.
xo
raymitheminx.com
ps. good luck with the whole marketing strategy thing and the like.
