Bipolar disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in a person’s mood, energy, and ability to function. Different from the normal ups and downs that everyone goes through, the symptoms of bipolar disorder are severe. They can result in damaged relationships, poor job or school performance, and even suicide. But there is good news: bipolar disorder can be treated, and people with this illness can lead full and productive lives.


“Manic-depression distorts moods and thoughts, incites dreadful behaviors, destroys the basis of rational thought, and too often erodes the desire and will to live. It is an illness that is biological in its origins, yet one that feels psychological in the experience of it; an illness that is unique in conferring advantage and pleasure, yet one that brings in its wake almost unendurable suffering and, not infrequently, suicide.”


Bipolar disorder causes dramatic mood swings—from overly “high” and/or irritable to sad and hopeless, and then back again, often with periods of normal mood in between. Severe changes in energy and behavior go along with these changes in mood. The periods of highs and lows are called episodes of mania and depression.


Signs and symptoms of mania (or a manic episode) include:


Increased energy, activity, and restlessness


Excessively “high,” overly good, euphoric mood


Extreme irritability


Racing thoughts and talking very fast, jumping from one idea to another


Distractibility, can’t concentrate well


Little sleep needed


Unrealistic beliefs in one’s abilities and powers


Poor judgment


Spending sprees


A lasting period of behavior that is different from usual


Increased sexual drive


Abuse of drugs, particularly cocaine, alcohol, and sleeping medications


Provocative, intrusive, or aggressive behavior


Denial that anything is wrong


Signs and symptoms of depression (or a depressive episode) include:


Lasting sad, anxious, or empty mood


Feelings of hopelessness or pessimism


Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness


Loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed, including sex


Decreased energy, a feeling of fatigue or of being “slowed down”


Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions


Restlessness or irritability


Sleeping too much, or can’t sleep


Change in appetite and/or unintended weight loss or gain


Chronic pain or other persistent bodily symptoms that are not caused by physical illness or injury


Thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempts


A mild to moderate level of mania is called hypomania. Hypomania may feel good to the person who experiences it and may even be associated with good functioning and enhanced productivity. Thus even when family and friends learn to recognize the mood swings as possible bipolar disorder, the person may deny that anything is wrong. Without proper treatment, however, hypomania can become severe mania in some people or can switch into depression.




Sometimes, severe episodes of mania or depression include symptoms of psychosis (or psychotic symptoms). Common psychotic symptoms are hallucinations (hearing, seeing, or otherwise sensing the presence of things not actually there) and delusions (false, strongly held beliefs not influenced by logical reasoning or explained by a person’s usual cultural concepts). Psychotic symptoms in bipolar disorder tend to reflect the extreme mood state at the time. For example, delusions of grandiosity, such as believing one is the President or has special powers or wealth, may occur during mania; delusions of guilt or worthlessness, such as believing that one is ruined and penniless or has committed some terrible crime, may appear during depression. People with bipolar disorder who have these symptoms are sometimes incorrectly diagnosed as having schizophrenia, another severe mental illness.


It may be helpful to think of the various mood states in bipolar disorder as a spectrum or continuous range. At one end is severe depression, above which is moderate depression and then mild low mood, which many people call “the blues” when it is short-lived but is termed “dysthymia” when it is chronic. Then there is normal or balanced mood, above which comes hypomania (mild to moderate mania), and then severe mania.




Descriptions offered by people with bipolar disorder give valuable insights into the various mood states associated with the illness:


Depression: I doubt completely my ability to do anything well. It seems as though my mind has slowed down and burned out to the point of being virtually useless…. [I am] haunt[ed]… with the total, the desperate hopelessness of it all. Others say, “It’s only temporary, it will pass, you will get over it,” but of course they haven’t any idea of how I feel, although they are certain they do. If I can’t feel, move, think or care, then what on earth is the point?


Hypomania: At first when I’m high, it’s tremendous… ideas are fast… like shooting stars you follow until brighter ones appear…. All shyness disappears, the right words and gestures are suddenly there… uninteresting people, things become intensely interesting. Sensuality is pervasive, the desire to seduce and be seduced is irresistible. Your marrow is infused with unbelievable feelings of ease, power, well-being, omnipotence, euphoria… you can do anything… but, somewhere this changes.


Mania: The fast ideas become too fast and there are far too many… overwhelming confusion replaces clarity… you stop keeping up with it—memory goes. Infectious humor ceases to amuse. Your friends become frightened…. everything is now against the grain… you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and trapped.





Rage in the cage

And piss upon the stage

There’s only one sure way

To bring the giant down

Defunct the strings

Of cemetary things

With one flat foot

On the devil’s wing




Crawl on me

Sink into me

Die for me

Living Dead Girl


Crawl on me

Sink into me

Die for me

Living Dead Girl




Raping the geek

And hustling the freak

Like a hunchback juice

On a sentimental noose

Operation filth

They love to love the wealth

Of an SS Whore

Making scary sounds




Crawl on me

Sink into me

Die for me

Living Dead Girl




Crawl on me

Sink into me

Die for me

Living Dead Girl


Psyclone Jack

Hallucinating Hack

Thinks Donna Reed

Eats dollar bills

Goldfoot machine

Creates another fiend

So Beautiful,

They make you kill


Crawl on me

Sink into me

Die for me

Living Dead Girl




Crawl on me

Sink into me

Die for me

Living Dead Girl




Blood on her skin

Dripping with Sin

Do it again

Living Dead Girl


Blood on her skin

Dripping with Sin

Do it again

Living Dead Girl



he told me his name was rod gear but i didn’t believe him really. he was in the bar with his mates at the imperial college where i was studying journalism in london. his friends were calling me saffron of republica fame on account of my new red punky bob thing of a hairdo. i got up on the table and kicked some drinks over. i was 17. rod was a custodian and had keys to every campus building, dormitory, you name it. we walked back to my dorm on montpelier, him and his bicycle and a few drunken skeezers from the school i went to. there were a bunch of fat gossip queens sitting in the foyer and i knew i’d be in trouble if they thought i was up to no good so i said i was sneaking my cousin rod to crash in my room for the nite, he’s only in town this one nite and he’s leaving for wales in the morning. they bought it save for one going up the stairs after me is he your first cousin kuz he’s HOT.


i stashed him in my room and locked the door. he had to piss i said no way go out the window and he did for like ever and i panicked kuz the nite previous all the boys upstairs got in shit for pissing off their balcony so i told rod to finish off in the plant. heh.


there was a knock at my door and it was a teacher looking for this dumb bitch who he thought was staying in my room but really the one next door to me. (that is a long and important story in and of itself which i’ll tell you about later. cunty bitch). so i said no it’s lauren not sylvie and the teacher stood outside my door for 5 minutes and rod was eating me out the entire time.


when it was over i was like c ya.



i am so black and white trash right now it’s amazing. i have zero money and everyday i have to finagle myself a pack of cigarettes and weed and fun and and and…


my phone is shut off but i’ll pay it all or close to it in a few days and then be poor again for awhile. being broke in richtown sucks.


mum just called and i hung up on her. sorry. just not in the mood tonite.


beautiful mind is on love that film but don’t get me started, jesus.


i thought like i was john nash for awhile in codes and numbers and riddles and quadratic equations that made sense to nobody but me.


holy fuck.


the things i thought almost destroyed me.



me and angelo and schrader. schrader is all e’d out and in love with anything that talks to him. aw.




and no i dont wear that friggin shirt everyday. erg. thats the party i went to and i went swimming and the stripper was there and also the day before my friggin eyes went all buggery from my hair in them and makeup jammed in em too.


today is firework day. aka queen victoria day. aka may-two four long weekend bla bla. i like fireworks. last year was the first time i ever had the courage to light one myself.




i’m happy that i didn’t spill any beer on myself last nite. nope. no. wait. i did. but it dried immediately. so there. but i did get shoved into this scratchy wooden wall and got a cut in my arm. so hot right now.


ok i wasn’t shoved i was pushed.


ok ok, i fell into the wall kuz i was loaded and i am an idiot.


thank you.



Boback Spoto says:

i like the jello leg raver dance picture


thought monitor says:

ya


Boback Spoto says:

if he had glowsticks on shoe strings and a whistle, it woulda been better


thought monitor says:

ew gross


Boback Spoto says:

?


thought monitor says:

if he had a whistle


thought monitor says:

my mum bought me a rave whistle


thought monitor says:

i want to smash it


Boback Spoto says:

this girl i used to know was all into the whistle




Boback Spoto says:

her and i eventually got into a fistfight


thought monitor says:

the one she got me like lights up and shit


Boback Spoto says:

it was awesome


thought monitor says:

nice over what


Boback Spoto says:

whoooa


thought monitor says:

i wanna be in a fist fight


thought monitor says:

did u punch her


Boback Spoto says:

i hit her in the head becuase she said something filthy about me

having an abortion


thought monitor says:

oh my god


Boback Spoto says:

then she punched me in the stomache


thought monitor says:

OH MY GOD


thought monitor says:

i would destroy her


Boback Spoto says:

and i ripped her septum peircing out


Boback Spoto says:

and all her hair




thought monitor says:

was she crying


thought monitor says:

wow u crazy bitch


thought monitor says:

hahaha


thought monitor says:

amazing


Boback Spoto says:

i know i broke my hand hitting her


Boback Spoto says:

becuase my hand still hurts


Boback Spoto says:

yeah


Boback Spoto says:

and i was in highscool


thought monitor says:

still hurts!


thought monitor says:

wow


thought monitor says:

WOW


Boback Spoto says:

and i had to stay the night at her house


Boback Spoto says:

and she wanted to go to a rave


thought monitor says:

after that?


Boback Spoto says:

and i was like fuck all that


Boback Spoto says:

YES


Boback Spoto says:

she is a cuntbag


thought monitor says:

wow awkward much


Boback Spoto says:

a dumb cuntbag


Boback Spoto says:

serious


thought monitor says:

where is she now


Boback Spoto says:

so she brings all of that up at a party like 5 years later


Boback Spoto says:

fucking being a lame pink haired mom in torrance


Boback Spoto says:

shes all, Trying too hard “hip mom”




Boback Spoto says:

ugh


thought monitor says:

gross


Boback Spoto says:

serious


Boback Spoto says:

she punched me so hard in the stomache though….it was pretty

funny…i landed in the bathtub



letsee funny things to say hmm saw jonathan at systems last nite and his lil brother andrew and im all yo are you still a fucking asshole andrew? and he’s all no i’m not. andrew is 17 and was hanging in the lil kids area. aww. he was a mean mean kid that told me and everyone to fuck off all the time in the playground and jonathan is like i don’t know why he’s so mad. saw a lil kid there doing wavy hand dances in front of this girl’s face to trip her out like hypnotic voodoo i command you to have sex with me please have sex with me shit and he didnt even have glow sticks, had he, i would have exploded. so my bangs were stapled to the top of my head and out of my face and my makeup powder is making my eyes flood like mental so i have to stop looking like powder now. le sigh.




some people at these jungle parties are fucking loooooooosers. so many diehardtryhards it makes me crazy. we only like the girls who wear sweaters on top of sweaters and dirty chuck taylors. the floors were bumpy muhlumpy someone obviously effed the renovation.




there’s this one jungle slut who was chatting up one dj who if he wasnt a dj she wouldnt give a second glance to serious. she was all haha hahahahahahahhaaahaa everything you say is amazing i am going to wrap my legs around your head in two hours and the guy can’t believe his luck well yes he can. she somehow finagled herself into getting an important holding of clipboard in front of the line for theory parties position too.




ahh remember the days when you could pay your way with sex?


livin’ the dream baby.