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hi lauren,

I feel like it’s been 1082 years since I sent you an email.

I just read your bloggityblogblog.

Don’t waste all that energy worrying about the losers and the haters. It’s not worth the time. why wash your brain in all those stress chemicals for them? They’re lost. Let them be lost without you. When you let all that crap go, you’ll weigh a million pounds less. Your head will float.

You shine, and will shine despite everything.

I’ve never counted, but they tell me that there are something like 6 billion people in the world. That’s billions of people that I’ll never know. Billions of people who’ll live and die billions of stories. But it makes no difference to me. There are only a handful of them that will ever touch me. Ever mean anything to me. And you’re one of them. I’m happy for that.

You said that you invented me. Well, that’s not exactly true of course. But you certainly made an impression on me. Shaped me in ways…inspired me. Changed my world.

I miss you.



dear continent of america.

today was a fat day for me. i lied around all day in my bed and i could feel my ribcages because these horse-sized tranquilizer pills dry me right the fuck out and then everything below my ribcage is just muscle bloated and fat retaining glucose and salts and aminos pizza sleep.

girls of america we are too fat. girls of canada we are too fat.

girls of france are just fine.

but howard stern hates france. the french.

and he’s a jew

but, we like him.


not all of us. some of us, maybe 50 per cent of us, nope. ?

girls are younger and they are fucking older men and younger boys go for younger girls and act like pimps and slap their asses and girls are picking up boys traits.

i never said what was good and what was bad yet.

everything is popular over here and then everything is popular over there at the same time. i have been there. there are no more new outfits for me to wear. skateboarding is not a trait that is trendy. it is a skill. a talent. a gift. longboarding too. it is like skateboarding but with wheels and i like it the best in canada right now because it is springtime. i practised it the best in california a little while ago, though. i see rich people doing it. poor people. kids. girls boys. canadian girls do not surfboard and they dont longboard much. we do not have hot beaches with oceans on our borders, even if we lived in maine, which is on the east coast, there are no hot salt waters i know of.

when someone calls you a trendy slut for seeing that you can longboard, you know in your heart they are canadian, perhaps, an ex-pat, does’nae matter. they could also be half-chinese or four-eyed…i dont care.

that’s racist and i take offence.

females of this continent, we are too fat.

and the french know why the most

you eat too fucking much. you smoke too much. you fuck too much. you mean too much, you are MEAN too much.

let this trendy slut, me, be an example of how too fucking much fat and skinny can and cannot be. you are only allowed to make fun of fat people if you know what it’s like but even then, fucking hell, go fuck yourself. it still sucks so don’t make fun of them.

ps – i learned for twenty years how to do everything you see now. you havent seen shit. i didnt grow up in no fucking toronto. i travelled. those tuning in now need to learn my past. address me with respect only.

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