the plan was to drink until the pain over but what’s worse the pain or the hangover
hello raymi town, what it is?
i’ve bumped into a girl twice now since she served me at supermarket a couple weeks ago. last friday nite with steph (feels like a lifetime ago, wait, that was two weeks ago? my sense of time is just, bizarre. more and more i am learning how much i operate in a totally different realm than everybody else) and i were walking hosedly along queen after a piss-up at watusi. i was in that frame of mind where i may as well have been on dxm or something, bubble brained but then i see this girl with a bike on the ground and she is drunk crying. everyone else is ignoring her it’s friday queen west crowd nite, friend somewhat included (the girl i’ve seen twice since, time two at unloveable) i come out of my reverie (these days in the back of my mind i am freaking the fuck out secretly, luckily steph has her own nightmare right now so i could let it eclipse that of my own invented melodramatic first world problems) and take a mental holiday for 24 hours while babysitting her. there might even be a statue erected in my honour but anyway, i chivalrously (wow this post is now getting totally heroically out of hand now and there are way too many brackets) rush to the aide of this sobbing stranger to inquire what the fuck is going on assuming she got lobbed by a car while riding her bike and i was right. i genuinely cared but i knew it wasn’t that big a deal it was kind of just an excuse to interact with other drunk people. we were becoming a happening. turns out a car “kind of?” hit her foot but she didn’t want to deal with it cos she was on her way to a booty call. steph said she watched the other girl staring at me with wonder and confusion and then she goes HEY did you eat at supermarket the other nite? yes i go, she goes yeah we served you.
crying girl stops fake crying at this point (my attention made her cry more cos she was liking it, i tell you i am a caring stud) and goes oh yeah! immediately in their heads i could see their opinions of me evolving from interesting person we served, balling tipper, great outfit and personality (haha ok that’s my addition) to selfless random act of kindness chick. obviously i am a lesbian too cos i have drunken skidfanie in-tow.
i bumped into girl two at unloveable like i said this past sunday nite. i wanted to play uno then i realised way too much brain requirement would be involved so i passed, but she really wanted me to play. i dunno about you but i am exquisitely skeptical of people who are really nice to me. get shat on all the time by half the nation of toronto so when someone gives me sunshine and a forecast of blue skies i am like now, wait just a second here…
we didn’t play uno. instead we played wasted jenga with stew and suzzi. i feel like i let that girl down by not playing uno. weird how you can feel guilted by the dumbest of things like that.
i am in the middle of really hating myself right now. i hate that i can’t control my body. if my body isn’t happy then i am not happy. if i am happy for two seconds i immediately panic because, i’m happy. i feel the sting of stress and anxiety every waking minute but i have come to get off on it and rely on it. it keeps me on my toes it is my only boss which i need as i am not with partner whom generally keep me in check and tame me. i require a muse to get this ball rolling day in day out and since i don’t have one i have many and this uncanny somewhat desperate addiction to push the fucking envelope.
here’s something i put in my tumblr the other day. i used to have an ithinkmanic blog that i wrote alongside raymitheminx, if you split the personae in two then you can get away with being emo and write more self indulgently. in the beginning of blog i let go a lot more. sometimes i get head tripped about it because people get to you, thousands, get to you. i didn’t even know i had a blog personae until i was told i had one. i am different in the real world, way more mellow, less intense but i still have a massive personality i just pick and choose what it is i say because i feel like i have lots to say. about everything. it is plaguing. if you’re someone like me you’ve just got to have a blog. so here’s that passage from my tumblr anyway. back to work.
he said there were two parts to me
an extremely insecure one and one that is over-compensating for it and that he doesn’t like either one
i took it like a man because i had no interest in this fucking guy
i had already stood him up accidentally on the thursday
he showed me a text message he sent to his friend about me
bad vibe. i was 30 minutes late. i am always late but he was such a diva about it
i chose a shitty place cos in case i hate him i didn’t want to hate him somewhere uncomfortable and expensive
he forced me into assuring him that he looked young for 30
he looked late thirties
he was aghast that i wouldn’t stroke his ego
i told him arrogantly that i do not pay on first dates
i make no move toward my wallet
except that one pissing contest time when i paid a lot of money for the second portion of the evening even though the guy was loaded
anyway this awful attractive guy more so in photos than in person did not like me one bit and i didn’t like him either
he was willing to like me but then it went foul at some point
he could tell that i wasn’t taking it seriously and not that interested i think
he is one of like 40 pieces of fish they are all the same after awhile same ageish same jobish it’s hard to keep track of information like that so during a date when one should know the basics like age and profession i knew nothing
clearly a date machine
that is how i blew it
and i do not care
we were both set in our ways and even started to hate each other
i told him he was kind of high maintenance as my final jab when we went from variety store to variety store in search of his energy drink the only one he will drink wtf prissy hahaha
in hindsight he was trying to lose me but i didn’t care it was on my way home anyway
it bothered him that i didn’t fall for him so he got mean
i told him i took what he said about me like a man so maybe he should take what i say about him like one also
i don’t even remember what i said it was so minimal but it had a large effect
oh i said that he needed a lot of attention
he got feisty after that because i was so right
i could tell that he was inventing things to say about me to whoever his friend was over text, that kind of needy attention you know meanwhile for me he is barely even a footnote so totally nothing and no one to me
i was also extremely hung over and kind of exhausted and that was insulting to him on top of standing him up the other day
looks aren’t everything
and i am learning that a lot of beautiful people are truly very fucking ugly people
and i am never surprised
i prefer friends these days
they are soul healing and genuinely love you
i feel like hugging all of them right now at this very moment
or typing their names here right now
robin david steph melodie lucas stew lately you are the best friends i love you