and so
i found that i was drinking myself away. i was drinking my life away. i was unhappy and became more unhappy and i didn’t see that happiness was a possibility any longer. for me. all of this shouldn’t even be said but i’ve kind of had enough of the online needling attempts and assumptions, whathaveyou. being a depressed person from the start doesn’t exactly work in your favour when it comes to these things, these things as in going out every single nite, drinking, blogging about it, then doing it again and again and again and asking for a time out, begging for one even, a hey look at me what about me? us? it wasn’t anybody’s fault it was just our life and it quickly became habit. in the end i went out less, but on the nights i did i was not enjoying myself so i drank through it, still unhappy, not even drunk just drinking but still waking up hung everyday in a fog. that is not a life to live. that is not a life. on top of it everyone is always asking you the what’s up, how goes and inside you are like, fuck all, what more do i need to give you when i have nothing for myself. here comes the self-loathing tell all piece of shit you’ve been waiting for.
many have overstepped boundaries here, have too sooned some shit. not cool. five years, think about it. that’s not your shit, that’s mine.
do you want to know the honest truth? i became ornamental and allowed it. i became alone and it felt normal. i gave up on myself, on being myself. i became callous. i forgot what romance was, passion. it got lost. real world stresses took it away and in its place we put booze and companionship and familiarity. thought we’d have the rest of our lives to work it out, he did. he feels that was such a gaff, and i agree. i said (and am saying way too much now) you are going to lose me and not even notice. the last two weeks of it, personal shit (though there was always something), were very fucking hard on the both of us, for two different reasons. the short of it is i could no longer tolerate being shut out emotionally, my spirit had had enough. i actually once daily said to myself the words i want to die. over-melodramatic words, that i meant, but i could never do that. but daily i felt it. i think i even said it to a few deaf ears. i know i did.
each day if i was not feeling ok i would never let on, on my blog. smile, pull through, this is your life, make it look good. years flew by. i’m not saying there weren’t magical wonderful times too, i’m only saying i felt like in the end we were only together based purely on shallow reasons, jealousy, our looks. possessiveness. yes of course there is/was love there holding it all together but at the root of my unhappiness i looked at us and that’s what i saw. there are certain times in your life when you see things from one narrow perspective only and that’s what i saw from my murky perch.
we acted beautifully together for everyone else but us. while alone it was stretches of silences for hours in our own little online worlds until it became dark then we’d get ready and go out to whateverthefuck was going on that nite. most things i didn’t want to do, i often chose his wants over my own. there’s nothing worse than acting for people you don’t even want to hang out with when you don’t feel like hanging out. making other people’s priorities supercede that of your own until you get to a point when you don’t care about anything anymore.
i said i would be witch hunted for all this, how could i do such a thing? leave? i can’t possibly tell the truth about the truth, it’s nobody’s business but when it turns out to be like i was the catalyst, rules change. he said he didn’t care go ahead tell ‘em, he feels awful naturally. gutted. it’s a mutual feeling.
in short, you can’t change people, people can’t change and they don’t. they learn maybe, but at heart you cannot change your blueprint. fuck we tried alright. in the beginning i was so in lust in love i overlooked a few things, i know he did too. i am an extremely affectionate being but you wouldn’t know it if you knew me in the last five years.
this has been the hardest time in my life in a long time. i feel like i haven’t made an adult decision ever before this. people say it’s a brave move, some are wont to just remain in situations forever out of fear, fear of change. being bold.
everybody is asking WHAT HAPPENED. guy, there isn’t one concrete response to that, don’t be such a silly selfish fucker. many things happened over the expanse of five years. little things add up over time and then you just pop.
for the now what i’m doing is a, well rather trying to anyway, everything is hunky dory tra-la-la show must go on routine, blog-wise. it’s a mindfuck. blogging is supposed to be cathartic. we’re trying to do a no contact for a month thing, tried to before that. it’s fucking rough and tough and i feel so insane right now i’m trying to dope myself into a state of mental disappearance. i want to disappear from feeling this way. i want the ultimate relax pill.
i feel like i have lost an entire fucking city. and yes i gave the ring back.
here’s something from someone else.
maybe rather than blasting per se, it’s an opportunity to explain that the blog is built from your life – life as inspiration – but that in fact it’s a construct. truth in a fictional form. or a fiction that’s built from truth.
Paul Theroux has a novel called My Other Life. the protagonist is a famous author named Paul Theroux. but as he says in the epigraph, “this is the story of a life I could have lived had things been different.”
I dunno, it’s a complicated dance. you sort of attract readers with bits of revelation and humor and the odd nipple or two, but there’s a boundary too. you know where it is but many will never understand it.
maybe if you explain that it’s a construct, you might lose/turn off readers. dunno how that would feel to you.
I blather!
i fit right in.
fully.
one vodka pump spray or three, please.
crazytown. i’ve been holed up in here all damn day. only leaving the room for more coffee and piss breaks.
this is holly. we have a lot in common. namely, big mouths.
comin’ up next on raymiCom – bar fights and car chases!
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:12 pm
Just wanted to say I think by unburdening yourself like you just did, and making all those really concerned and those just curious have some answers will help tremendously! My understanding also is that a blog is a place you can do that. I know you are very intelligent, wise, woman and in the end you will make the correct decision. I don’t know you, but I feel like you are another daughter to me and I want you better…Hugs. Gma Liza.
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:16 pm
I love you and I will always be your friend.
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:25 pm
i don’t know you. and i know this was a highly personal thing for you to post on your blog. but i felt compelled to reach out and let you know that i did the same thing, i left, i had that moment of lucidity.. but for me it was after TEN years. even though you might feel like a pile of shit right now you have a strong soul under it all, a pure one, one that you know well. that is a huge gift, as cheesy as that sounds, it’s true. protect that. this is your life. it’s been about five years since i left my situation (engaged, ready to buy a house etc.) and i have learned that being alone sucks sometimes, but it’s never as lonely as being alone in a relationship. i’ve also learned a whole lot about what happiness really means. anyway, only YOU know what’s right for you, Raymi. feel good about listening to your heart and not what is “logical”. and those who love you will respect those decisions, those who don’t can fuck off, they were probably dead weight anyway.
internet hug going out to you.
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:26 pm
i’m sorry.
but g.d, you are brave. trying to find happiness, in light of what everyone thinks you are giving up, is brave.
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:27 pm
I’ve been reading your blog since I can’t even remember, I’d like to think it gets easier with time, and eventually you’ll be okay.. I hope it goes that way for you Raymi, you deserve to feel yourself, you deserve happiness. There isn’t much advice besides a total cliche crap thing I could say here, but I wanted to let you know I’m hoping with time you’ll be okay.
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:29 pm
you are very brave raymi. good for you for taking this difficult step. i identify a lot with some of the things you say in this post. i left a 7 year relationship last year and it was for many of the reasons you mention. sometimes i think leaving was the best thing, sometimes i doubt myself. just keep going, you can do it.
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:35 pm
Don’t ever feel like you owe the fucking internet anything, explanations or otherwise. Worry about making yourself happy and if the internet doesn’t like it the internet can go fuck itself.
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:38 pm
it’s just a catch 22 is all. here i was getting validation cos elsewhere i was not. cycle-driven. it’s my way to be TMI then it became not my way. now i’m just trying to figure out which way to be all over again i suppose.
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:42 pm
Love you. You made the right choice. Drinking sucks.
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:47 pm
As previously said, I think you are the bravest person I know putting yourself out there like this endlessly. Just know that among all of the monsters out there there are also people who truly admire you and look up to you, me being one of them.
Stay strong, things are always hard at first but letting your true self shine is more important than anything else.
<3!
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:47 pm
thanks erica
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:49 pm
nothing in life is permanent, eh? thumbs up for having the courage to do what you think is right. hang in there baby!
http://www.retroduck.com/images/products/07/07-0344r.jpg
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:51 pm
so brave. and it will get easier and easier and easier. xo
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:53 pm
All good wishes to you.
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:56 pm
hmmm….well, that was a little awkward to read. dude u gotta do what´s good and right for you and disregard other ppl´s opinions. i guess letting the world know can be kind of cathartic especially when ur getting so many nosey poops attacking you for info they´re not actually privy to. i dunno, i guess for the sake of validation, hmmm….maybe cuz i´m tired of ppl throwing in their 2centavos with my breakup ive realised that the only validation i need is from my guts and my heart, and those who support me r the ones worth a dime in this world. shit stinks, but eventually the smell goes away. hahaha…that´s pretty good, and influenced by the weird rotting fruit smell in my office that has intrigued me for 2 months.
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:56 pm
Great post- honest and raw and real- that’s part of what blogging is too right? I wish the best for you
.
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:57 pm
Everything I wanted to say, has already been said. You don’t owe any explanations. Plain and simple.
I hope you find all of the happiness and passion that you desire and deserve. xoxoxo
November 2nd, 2009 at 2:00 pm
i know i don’t know you in REAL life but i feel like i almost do, considering i’ve been reading your blog since 2002…(that was kinda an unintentional rhyme okay sorry just had to point that out)
ANYWAYS relationships are fucking hard and complicated and (in my opinion) nobody can ever really understand the inner workings of somebody else’s couple-dom…so i don’t even pretend to try. it’s a stupid and trite saying but follow your heart and while shit must suck right now it’s better than pretending your way through a life that you don’t truly want.
things will get easier, better, etc…
& mad props for putting yourself out there like this, i’m a pretty open book but i don’t know if i’d be capable of such honesty. ramble ramble ramble ramble okay that is all! love & support & such things!
November 2nd, 2009 at 2:00 pm
A relationship is supposed to be like balance, as soon as one person is swamped by the other person’s life or issues or hobbies or whatever… it blows.
If the whole concept of “relationship” itself ends up swallowing you up so you as an individual person are not even really visible anymore.. you don’t exist except for coupledom and I can’t imagine how suffocating that must’ve felt, but I do know if I had been in your situation I would have done the exact same thing.
Keep your chin up
Oh and I spell “gut-wrenching sob” euuurrrreghhhhhhhh!
November 2nd, 2009 at 2:16 pm
Basically anything I thought of writing was already written in one comment or another. But of course I hope the best for both of you, and hope you are able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
The whole blogging aspect is interesting. I have probably come across in the opposite way. I often blog to help deal with my stresses and anxieties, and someone might get the impression that my life’s a mess or that I’m just a bundle of nerves. If they met me in “real life” they’d probably realize I’m fun, funny, laid back, confident, etc. But I don’t have a very large audience, so I don’t really think about my blog image much and just use it as a form of therapy almost. I digress…
November 2nd, 2009 at 2:18 pm
Life is meant to be lived…instead of just letting life happen. I get that, I just went through something very similar with myself, I have shed my old skin and am trying my best not to grow another one, to just be free, to be me and not apologize for it! (And to not lose myself in the process)
Actually it was something you wrote quite a few entries back about being happy that was the last push for me to get on with life…sry I dont remember the exact way you said it but the message was clear: “what is life without happiness?!” You inspire people by being raw and real…and thanks for sharing your journey.
To life !
November 2nd, 2009 at 2:24 pm
like anonylame, I also feel the need to reach out to you, I’m 31 and was married for 6 years before I left my husband. We were together 8. The time doesn’t matter, it doesn’t make things easier or worse.
I think it was harder on everyone around me, my family, friends, apparently we were the perfect couple… what did they know? they weren’t married to us. we filled our lives with stuff, distraction after distraction: trips, house, cars, dog. at the end it felt like ransom.
People tell me I am brave. i don’t feel brave, but after over 6 months of being on my own, and getting to know/find myself again, I realize I should have left a long time ago.
Be strong, for yourself, not for others. I hate to sound like an old cliché… so all I can say is: time.
i feel fo you Raymi
November 2nd, 2009 at 2:31 pm
You’d be surprised, I think we have a lot more in common than you know. You will get through this, stay true to yourself and trust in your instinct. It’s your life and that is that.
November 2nd, 2009 at 2:36 pm
you totally didn’t have to do that, i bet you felt you had to, that was a really nice thing to do for all the people who are so used to reality tv that they NEEDED to know… your blog has always been entertaining and just wanted you to know that I have no advice for you and every situation is so different that I can’t offer any comparisons or say I get it, I never could really…
I suspect you will be fine.
November 2nd, 2009 at 2:41 pm
that takes guts, you’re a brave lady, embrace your fresh start.
November 2nd, 2009 at 2:44 pm
i was jealous of you guys. you did seem to have it perfect.
November 2nd, 2009 at 2:49 pm
i believe everything will work out in the end.
flow with it.
we should talk on the phone.
November 2nd, 2009 at 3:05 pm
This reminds me so much of the fey Ray from years ago.
November 2nd, 2009 at 3:07 pm
I’m a lurker, just wanted to show some support. Good call on the drinking observations. Removing booze from your life for even a bit can really let stuff breathe, and make it enjoyable again if/when you go back to it, not like it’s a job. But anyways, like someone else said above, try to enjoy and embrace your fresh start, you deserve it.
November 2nd, 2009 at 3:08 pm
what’s fey mean but i know what you mean.
November 2nd, 2009 at 3:17 pm
The upside of the blog thing is support in the form of your readership- there are assholes and onlookers I’m sure, but also many who care about you, admire you and are concerned and thinking of you. You take care babe. You made a good choice!!! Either other doors will open or you’ve shaken things up enough that your dynamic with Phil will change for the better. We’re here for you and love you.
November 2nd, 2009 at 3:19 pm
It’s so easy for people to think that a relationship is perfect, just by reading someone’s blog. They feel like they know you.
I completely understand all you’ve said here. I’ve been in the same boat, sometimes still am, and it’s hard.
Really brave move, I wish you the best.
November 2nd, 2009 at 3:23 pm
I fully respected your need for privacy and sincerely thank you for sharing your life (or a small part of it) with us. I wish more people realized that truly living life is ultimately more important than just having one.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
November 2nd, 2009 at 3:34 pm
It feels like you made a good move. It’s always better to stop and re-evaluate your life if you feel like it’s not going in a way you want it to–imagine what would have happened if you’d kept on for ten or fifteen years without doing anything?
I think you handled this whole situation well. Good luck, whatever happens.
November 2nd, 2009 at 3:38 pm
Good for you hun, for being true to yourself and being so strong to carry on poitively on your blog despite how you felt inside. on a side note its amazing how you can feel so dark and lost/lonely and dont have a clue that yes other humans, humans that you admire and look to for good feelings and entertainment can be dealing with the same type of hardships and dark thoughts.
Your going to be fine,your an extremly beautiful creative strong woman and I think you are going to pull through this faster then you’ll imagine. Every day has the opportunity to be the day that everthing changes for the best, you just dont know which day its going to be but its warming to know that today could be it.
Sending good vibes~
November 2nd, 2009 at 3:43 pm
good luck to you and hang in there
November 2nd, 2009 at 4:02 pm
Seriously my favourite piece of writing i’ve seen come from you in a long time. And gold star to you for writing it. I can’t really imagine what it’s been like for you or for him but it is what it is. There’s no magic bandaid. I think that you did the right thing in being honest with
yourself and showing love to yourself. I know that sounds supes gay, but it’s so, so true. Life is far too short to be stuck or to be unhappy or to be just getting by and going through the motions. You deserve love and passion and nothing short of that, my dear. xo
November 2nd, 2009 at 4:02 pm
What can I say that already hasn’t been said
I am sad for both of you, breakups,detachments are hard and emotionally draining. And hopefully you learn something from each other, the good and the bad and once you’ve healed, sometimes friendship is possible.
You were both under alot of pressure because of the number one status of your blog, the invitations to events all over Toronto which involved some partying. I’m sure after a while it becomes all consuming and numbing and perhaps even superficial.
relationships require work,communication,affection,respect,fairness,give and take and without this, you have a superficial shell of just existing and detachment.
This would be a great opportunity to work on yourself and grow.Find out what really brings you joy and happiness. Be a strong, independent woman who knows her limits,boundaries and begin new passions and learning.
When we have a strong sense of who we are and good self esteem, you will never live “for or through a man again”, but be empowered for an equal partnership, a healthier relationship.
Taking a break from the city may be what you need also.
As for the affection issue
Its a big one and I’m thinking you inherited that trait from me. It comes from the French side of the family.
Its always best to be warm then live in a cold war.
November 2nd, 2009 at 4:26 pm
badass status just hit it’s zenith. all respect.
November 2nd, 2009 at 4:42 pm
hugs.
November 2nd, 2009 at 5:27 pm
wow…way to raise the standard for discretion and honesty mixed together, on so many levels you set an example to us all…wonderful to see how many supportive comments are here…carry on the good work, XX
November 2nd, 2009 at 5:34 pm
Take care.
November 2nd, 2009 at 5:50 pm
Hang in there, duder.
New beginnings are both scary and exhilarating.
I wish you the best.
November 2nd, 2009 at 5:59 pm
you know my thoughts in 140 or less.
I would like to say that I love the stethoscope to the head pic. raymismom, you are a hottie.
November 2nd, 2009 at 6:02 pm
Fuck. This post is so moving. I teared up. I know what it is to deal with depression, succumb to self medication, to attempt to escape from that black, hot and intoxicating nothingness. Alcohol nearly killed me, not just physically but emotionally, creatively…everything. I wished, and still sometimes yearn, for death, just as you do, just as millions do. Pile on top of that personal life issues, break-ups, insanity, abuse, whatever the case may be, for anybody, is a hell of a nightmare. You are such an inspiration, such a relatable yet unique person. Sometimes I honestly don’t know what I would do without you here, writing. Doing what you do, making idiots like me laugh and cry and feel okay when it’s not. Pathetic and pride-suckling as it sounds, and though I don’t know you, I can say that I love you Raymi, and thank you so much.
November 2nd, 2009 at 6:06 pm
ur mum is a wise lady, baby.
November 2nd, 2009 at 6:18 pm
nicole. nail on head. heart.
November 2nd, 2009 at 6:21 pm
also mike has a post about how i was just phonin’ in blog posts http://www.torontomike.com/2009/11/in_the_beginning_the_early_day.html
November 2nd, 2009 at 6:23 pm
Good luck to you. Sometimes the changes people have to make in life are hard. I am glad you are a strong person. When you begin to understand yourself, is the day you start to live life to it’s fullest.
capt obvs
November 2nd, 2009 at 6:31 pm
I left my fiancee after a 3-1/2 year relationship, left him in Florida with the house and everything in it (most of which was mine), took two suitcases full of shit and moved to New York one week later. There was nothing seriously wrong with our relationship; in fact, to this day I believe he’s the smartest, kindest, most loving and generous person I’ve ever dated. But like you, I wanted and needed different things from life than he would and could offer. I too needed less drinking (and smoking) and more clarity. My decision came after months of feeling like something was just off somehow; a lot of little things built up, feelings had changed and couldn’t be changed back. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but making the decision made me feel strong and brave and confident for the first time in years. As shitty as it felt I knew I had done the right thing, and after several months, the constant crushing misery began to turn to only occasional wretchedness. I saw that it was great to not have to consider the other person every time I made a decision. That time in New York, when I was single for the first long stretch since becoming an adult, was the best time in my life. I took complete advantage of every aspect of being single and enjoyed the fuck out of it: sleeping whenever (and with whomever, when I was ready) I wanted, going out or staying in, eating where and when I wanted, spending time with friends and being reminded that I truly have the most beautiful, generous, entertaining pals I could ask for. . . all of it at MY discretion.
I think the moral of the story is that once I finally made the decision to shed the part of myself that had become half of a couple instead of just ME, I had to re-learn who I was. And then I learned a lot more about me that I never knew, because I spent so much of that important identity-forming early 20s time with someone else that I never got to see what I was like when I stood alone.
Take ‘er easy as best you can. It’ll not suck so much after a while. Good to see you have support from your family and friends, they’re so important.
November 2nd, 2009 at 6:56 pm
I recently read your post titled, AND SO. That email was perhaps the most beautiful and saddest thing I’ve read in some time. I write this because it both moved me and reminded me of my own experience. I’ve been an avid reader of your blog for the better part of 5 years and figured it would be best to send a piece of me perhaps to help a piece of you.
Nearly two years ago to the day, I found myself waiting outside the Surrey Memorial emergency room, lost in my own scrambled thoughts, slowly savoring a last drag of my cigarette. At the time, I had not slept in nearly four days. At 24, it was the last place I’d ever thought I’d find myself. I had a great job, a nice downtown apartment, friends and family to boot. Two months prior, I’d just leased a $3000 dollar apartment and closed a lucrative business deal.
As I sat outside waiting to be seen by a doctor, I was trying to convince myself I was in control. In truth, I was a wildfire with no water. The night before I had came seconds away from taking my own life. Maybe it was the sheer magnitude of even considering it, maybe it was the realization I only had one life to live, or maybe it was the visions of some unfortunate person finding my face and brains all over the concrete – but somewhere within those fateful hours, I started to look at my life from outside myself for the first time. To be completely honest, I didn’t like what I saw.
Rather than take the easy road and pull the trigger, I used my last quarter in my pocket to phone my sister so she could come pick me up and drive me to the hospital.
After my examination, I was admitted into the psychiatric ward and placed into a room with three other men. The immense shame I felt that night was intoxicating. There I was, striped not only of my clothing, jewelry and possessions, but of my pride as well. I can vividly remember thinking to myself I didn’t belong there. Little did I know that making that phone call, wearing those awful hospital gowns and confronting my worst fears and nightmares would turn out to be the best decision of my life.
I can remember being woke up by my mother the following morning. She’d drove down through the night to be with me. The immense relief I saw in her eyes to be able to hug me was incredible. Though I felt empty and dead inside, that brief moment gave me a real jolt. The kind of jolt I hope everyone gets to experience at some point in their life.
In my mother’s eyes, I could also see here asking the question, “how did it come to this?” In times like these, there are no words to explain a question like that. But I felt the need to try to comfort my mom, to tell her it was all going to be okay. So I asked her an awkward question, considering the scenario. ‘Could I use your purse for a second?’ In hindsight, my mom must have thought I’d truly lost it.
She agreed, so I opened the clasp that held it’s contents inside and dumped everything onto the hospital bed. I then separated all the eyeliners, lip balms, lip sticks and various other items into one pile.
In the second pile, which was by far the largest, I put receipts, gum wrappers, business cards, old sticky notes and a bunch of other things.
In the last pile I put two items – her keys and her wallet.
I told her my life is a lot like her purse. I’m always opening it up to see the same shit inside – all the tragedies, the heartaches and the haunting memories I had in my life. Half of the stuff in my mom’s purse, just like half the stuff in my life, is stuff I’ll never need, but was too scared to throw away. Things like my abusive father and step-father, the break-ups, the fuck ups and the fake ups.
I went on to tell her I’d finally realized it was time to sort everything out, just like I had done with her purse. Separate all the things that mean the most to me, the things I need to remember and things I need to get rid of. Above all, I was tired of opening the purse that was my life and looking at all the things I’d held inside when all I ever wanted to see was my fucking wallet and keys. The truth is, I’d left them were too many of us do – at the bottom of everything.
Raymi, I hope you take this chance to sort out the contents of your life’s purse. Keep your head up and mind strong and as hard and daunting as it may seem.
Shane
November 2nd, 2009 at 7:11 pm
I’ve been reading your blog for years, never commenting, but like so many others I feel compelled to do so now.
I’ve been thinking about you a lot the last couple of weeks, worrying about you, hoping you’re ok. I’m sorry that you’re hurting right now, but it sounds like you made the best decision you could in a difficult situation. You’re so honest, strong, and brave, and so many of us (even total strangers) are behind you.
Hugs.
November 2nd, 2009 at 7:29 pm
i have always admired how honest you are and how strong you are through the vunerable times and what you say makes people want to open up their hearts a little more. i saw myself and my old relationship and that blackhole feeling it all came back and it’s like reaching into the dark and grabbing a hand and once you’re out you can’t go back no matter how much it “could” or “should” work. just wow. raymi you amaze me everyday hang in there, basically everything everyone said up there too cause yeah, you’re great and deserve to just be able to be great.
November 2nd, 2009 at 7:42 pm
Raymi,
Like some of the other commenters here, I have been reading your blog for years, and years. This post was totally heartbreaking, and I’m sure you just feel simultaneously raw and numb and shitty. I’m sorry, sorry, sorry. Just another stranger out of millions, but I love you and I think your writing is real-deal fantastic. Try your best to keep it together. Or let it all fall apart and build it again.
November 2nd, 2009 at 8:10 pm
meanwhile just fyi there’s a sort-of-related post about the audience’s curiosity about the artist’s personal life over at maudnewton.com right now.
November 2nd, 2009 at 8:30 pm
I’m another blog reader who followed you a while back last year until the engagement; then I stopped following thinking it was the happily ever after ending.
I thought of you of recent. I know it’s not my place to say anything but I feel compelled. I think I like many others rejoice when 2 people find love and companionship in each other. Can’t say I’m not devastated to find what looks so perfect together actually isn’t.
Well. I’ve been married 5 years and my 5 years were tumultuous because of our cross-cultural marriage; differences in a great many things. Sacrificing my personal thoughts, dreams, ways etc. Painful stuff. After 5 years, I found my sacrifice to be worthwhile, for a greater shared thoughts, dreams and ultimately love and companionship.
I used to read your blog and think, yeah, choosing someone who can laugh at your jokes and share a humour wavelength must be so great (not to mention being mutually goodlooking) and easier to work a marriage with. He seemed like such a great guy and you seemed so happy with him.
I hope you will be happier in time. Good luck, Raymi
November 2nd, 2009 at 8:49 pm
Your honesty is very moving. Hugs from Maryland, USA. My wish for you is to process and work through the situation however you need to and to emerge from these times with a renewed sense of self. Change is hard, but it’s also sometimes a way of enlightenment (cheesy, I know, but I find it to be true).
November 2nd, 2009 at 9:07 pm
a weekend of psychedelics in nature does wonders for ur perspectives and psyche. omg you should go to a burn! haha i’m serious.
November 2nd, 2009 at 11:33 pm
Nicole essentially put it best: “You are such an inspiration, such a relatable yet unique person.”
Everyone is behind you and no matter what happens, never doubt yourself.
all the best.
November 2nd, 2009 at 11:48 pm
HUG
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:31 am
even though I’ve been reading your blog for years, it took this post made me come out of the woodwork to say, you are very brave. Personally I have been trying to decide if I am in a similar situation myself, and what with all the comfort/familiarity/affection there, it’s hard to fathom leaving and having to build all that up again with someone new. i admire you for being able to take such a bold step.
November 3rd, 2009 at 5:57 am
Geeeezus you are strong. More of an inspiration to my current life status than you’ll ever know. So thanks.
I’d also like to throw it out there that it is very possible to care about strangers, eyes stung a little while reading this.
Wish you only the best.
November 3rd, 2009 at 7:15 am
I’m impressed that you wrote that at last, and that it was so frank and honest and fair. and commandingly written. (what else is new?)
November 3rd, 2009 at 7:41 am
People don’t change. Thats really true. Things change, the environment changes, attitude/perspective may change, but we don’t fundamentally.
You have a lot of courage putting yourself out here like you do. Its really admirable. And appreciated by many.
Good luck and best wishes. You’re young and there is a long way to go.
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:41 am
holy heavs!
the day i get over 50 comments on my blog is the day that pigs fly.
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:43 pm
[...] do you follow a post like that? uh normalcy normalcy! [...]
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:51 pm
i don’t even know what to say besides everything will get better, i promise. drinking is a shitty thing to deal with especially when it’s embedded so deep in your relationship.
i emailed you.
xox
November 3rd, 2009 at 2:17 pm
your honesty and strength are moving. it’s horrifying to read that you had the words ‘i want to die’ in your head everyday! no wonder you left.
we’ve only met in real life a couple times and maybe things were ok then and maybe it was just that we are different people and i was drunk (i was nervous! you’re so hot and interesting), but something always seemed off about you two.
for one, there was definitely no physical affection between you, which seemed to be the norm in real life and here. not surprised you mentioned that above, i always got the impression that you were holding back because of him.
plus, you guys always seemed to be bickering about lots of things, big and small. I guess some people are just like that, but it’s got to take a huge toll on you, especially when other things in your relationship aren’t working.
despite the engagement and the ‘good’ posts, your relationship was not easy to relate to because of those real life encounters, however short and booze-filled they were and despite how hot you two are and how well you clearly know each other.
this is definitely one of your best entries yet. you are so talented and such a strong writer and i will definitely be voting for you like crazy to win that bloggy award.
November 3rd, 2009 at 5:03 pm
That was a brave thing to author.
Thank you for letting us in.
You’re awesome and things will work out for the best.
Trust in that.
November 3rd, 2009 at 6:52 pm
I think you’re so great. Seriously. I’ve recently gotten back into writing via the blog thing and even with few followers, still feel so goddamn anxious/stressed/manic about peoples responses at times. Other times I don’t give a shit.
Price of honesty and putting yourself out there I guess but so long as the positives outweigh the cons..
I’m glad you’re doing what’s best for you. There are a lot of us routing for you. All the best. xo.
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:39 pm
Yo dude you did both of you a favour. I was stuck in a relationship like that for 4 years, spending 3 hours a day in the bathtub, thinking about what to wear and shit, reading garbage gossip, actually indulging in retarded self obsessed crap as an escape route, doing my make up before he came home just so that we can get drunk in front of the TV then go get more wasted around a bunch of people I didn’t give 2 shits about at another fuckin Toronto event. It didn’t matter, none of t made any fuckin sense. If I didn’t end it, I wouldn’ve never known what its like to be in a relationship that seriosuly maintains its standards over years and years and years. It exists and you deserve it! Don’t ever settle. Love, jokes, sex, mutual attention,affection, spontaneity, happiness, sober or wasted good times, it does not decline overtime and don’t let assholes who ‘accepted that’s just the way it is’ tell you otherwise, its fucking bullshit. If youre going to be with someone for ever or a while anyway, it should only get better, thats not unrealistic, I’m not naive, sometimes you have to go through a ton of shit to hit gold but truth be told if you’re awesome enough you will and thats just that.
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:42 pm
p.s. not implying anyone or anything is shit, bullshit or invalid, sorry this was like a stream of consciousness or something, obvi all relationships have their merits and you never know what’s gonna happen.
November 4th, 2009 at 2:37 am
Best wishes for the future, and I hope less pain in the now.
Being old,and old fashioned, i’ll be putting you on my prayer
and good thoughts list. Listen: i’m a recovering alcoholic with
11 years sober.It is by far, the best thing I ever did; if you ever want to talk,
don’t be afraid to email the old Rev. We’ll talk about Jack; he was born less than a mile from here.
November 4th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
brilliant post. let the arse kissers come by and kiss arse. this is how it is. this is this shit called life. swimming in a sea of excrement with an ear to ear grin. and this is what we do. for others. sometimes. and this is also why we drink. and medicate. love this post. nice and honest.
November 4th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
[...] Says It This post is gut wrenching and oh so true. Some of what she said hit home, although I’ll not say [...]
November 4th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
[...] want to be part of the barrage of commenters or well wishers, but in Raymi’s recent post “And So” she let out some very raw, real emotion that we don’t typically see in her everyday writing. I [...]
November 5th, 2009 at 8:06 am
[...] – a quote from a reader at this blog. [...]
November 6th, 2009 at 9:03 pm
jesus.
“i feel like i have lost an entire fucking city.”
i could relate to that… it’s exactly how i felt for a bit, thank god i had managed to make a friend or two or else i’d have been done for… and i’m still trying to make certain places mine too and even months and months later it’s still difficult to do.
i went blonde last year, after it was over, but my roots have grown back in quite a lot so i’m getting that trashed out look, blah.
i’m all over the place here.
moved by you sharing this with your readers, this personal thing.
i admire that you wrote this for so many reasons.
sending blogger fan love.
November 6th, 2009 at 9:04 pm
thank you so much
November 8th, 2009 at 10:55 pm
“everybody is asking WHAT HAPPENED. guy, there isn’t one concrete response to that, don’t be such a silly selfish fucker. many things happened over the expanse of five years. little things add up over time and then you just pop.”
THANK YOU. thank you for this post. i can relate to every single word… and i’m not just saying that because you’re raymi the minx. i just went through the same thing except it wasnt five years, it was three, but i felt like if i didnt end it at the time i did it would have gone on for another ten… it’s been one of the hardest summers of my life but i can tell you that i have never felt more myself in a long three years. it was the best decision i’ve ever made.
keep on being an amazing person,
nicole.
November 18th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
[...] to collect my stuff. that was a rough day. also it was raining. this was pre-breakupsplanation blogging so this actually has nothing to do with (for once) breaking up on the internet, just purely [...]
November 18th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
Hey, I guess I did believe it all–THE Raymi, THE Raymi Life. I hadn’t read about it in months though, so pure fluke I stumble by now. In any case, Raymi is cool still. I don’t think you’re doubting your coolness, just dealing with stress and BS. You can handle it though. You’re tough. No one doubts your ability.
November 18th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
i think you’re lovely. i also think your life is lovely. thanks for sharing. sincerely, thank you.