here i am, in all my slovenly glory celebrating Ward’s birfday. How nice I am. Rite now i’ve got massive munchies.

Today i woke up at 1 and ate a bowl of Kraft dinner at 2. I’ve eaten nuthin’ since. I think me and ward are gunna go fetch sum chinese fud or sumpin’ . soundz gud. we rented four movies last nite and so far have watched half of wun. meh.

Today me mum and i went shopping for ME. It wuz horrid. We skirted frum shoppe to shoppe, yelling and screaming at one-another cuz we kood not agree on the same pair of pants. SHE wanted tight, black conservative pants and I wanted baggy SpacePants. She also made me try on bras. Uggh! i stopped wearing bras a year ago and she’s worried i’m gunna start sagging. Geez, it’s not like i’m stacked or anything. My girls are still perky, i swear! Anyhow, these two ultra-fem saleschiks were measuring my bust and fitting me to bras and my mum wuz all sad cuz I use to dress all nice like them and now I have this barbeLL in my navel, hairy armpits and dykeHair.
I also got new boots. Yay. In the end, no pants were purchased. Oh well. Now i’m at ward’s and we’re gunna watch The Stupids, his fav film. The heavens are dumping down snow like No tomoRRow and I don’t think i will make the jaunt down to ToronTo. I am more than looking forward to walking around my howse in Pajamas and bedHead.

I also learned toDay that I am unable to function well as a team pLayer unless i am the boss cuz i get all pissed-off if i can’t be in charge and when people ffuk up and are slow and arrrrgh! You see, everyone has a personality colour, I am green. this means that i am analytical, inquisitive, cynical, annoyed by stupid people, impatient, quietly seeking and plotting revenge, frustrated, anxious…etc and so me and the three other colours (orange : spontaneous, doesn’t think b4 speaking, Yellow : Responsible , blue : harmonious, sensitive) were assigned to build the tallest standing structure made frum straws and masking tape. We were to beat out the other five groups, each made up of the same mixture of colour/personality people. Frum the get-go i wuz mad and panikky and kept yelling at the tapeboy cuz he wuzn’t supplying tape fast enuff and i kood see that this other group wuz gaining on us. In the end we kame in second place. This whole activity wuz to see how each colour can werk efficiently and co-operatively with the others. Since i am green, it’s my duty to hate all the other colours and so it wuz evident i would be cussing and ripping my hair out the whole time. dammit, that whole activity aged me a gud 6 years.

Ffuk, i hate people.

I’m the skinny blond grrl on the right. That was taken when i was in grade 4. I’m suppose to be Tina Turner. Shaaa’eeright. The kid with the white beard is sippose to be Kenny Rogers. The kid in the plaid and glasses (altho’ he’s white) is sippose to be Stevie Wonder. The grrl in the flowerprint skirt is to be Diana Ross.
We sang that ‘Heal the World’ song.
The whole gang was there. my elementary skool boyfriend played
michael Jackson and touched hisself. All the relligus mums
got real mad about that. My teacher that year was this wopchick
who was obsessed wif the blueJays and didn’t care. She wanted us to be stars.
All the loser, ugly kidz in our class who didn’t make the
cut had to hold up diffrent flags of the world and
sway side-to-side with them up in the air behind all us ‘stars’
You can see sum of them.
ha ha. LoseRs.
ffuk.

Rite so, if you wanted to read EVERything that’s ever been plastered here, i guess you would click on the Archive linky-thing on the right, sumwhEre. I’m beginning to panik and am envisioning whut tomorrow would be like if i were to show up empty-handed and unprepared. Castration? Would they throw rocks at me ? whut whut whut !!!!! ?

The only thing i’ve managed to AkomPlish within the last half hour was that of making a jug of OJ and fixing the tracking on my VCR.

ffuk.

I watched The messenger (Story of Joan of Arc) after werk 2day. Wuz gud. Kooda spent that 144 minutes slaving on these three eFFing projects but NooOOOO , I have to have the attention span of a fruitfly and flit frum event to event. Dammit. What if i just lived under my bed until christmas.

Yes. there’s a prakticaL idea!

Guess whut i did sat’nite?

I layed facedown on my livingRooM floor for 7 hourz. Wunce I got up to take a pee and the whole right side of my body wuz numb and i had carpeT imprintS on my face. My hair was all ratty. I looked like a doped-up, fume-Huffin’ beeOtch.

And now…There are three things I absolutely MUST do before i kan even Konsider throwing myseLf into bed and i’ve spent the last 4 hours avoiding doing ALL three of them. I am so horribly lazy. I put things off in the hopes of miracles occuring. Rite now i am evidently here, typing this out, avoiding these horrible 3 monkeys on my shoulders. ffuk.

arrrgh, i feeL my period kummin’ on as well. Why is my life a living hell ?

For enterTainment purposes i choose Dramatiks as my clutch. I hope you will be pleased.

This guy, he fukkin’ walks into my store today and asks,”Do you have girl Shovels?”

“Whut, exactly IS a ‘GIRL SHoveL ?” I stare at him, eyebrows raised, hands on hips,”Is it pink? It must be tiny, right?!”
The guy is embarassed and cannot understand why a GIRL is werking in a hardware store AND insulting him at the same time.
I knew he meant to ask for children’s shovels, but still, jeez, give it up. Think HARDER and more towards the year 2000 and not 1400.
i am no right-wing feminist in anyway, so don’t think i say the things i say or do the things i do becuz of that. I happen to be one of the most politikally incorrect people to walk the face of the earth. That is purely accidental and KAn sumtimes be charming. Like, this one time my frend and i were in the condom shack and he pointed to this stuffed bear which had an enormous erection and said “Oh, i got that for Leda.” And you know whut the three werdz to come ouuta my mouth were?

“But, she’s jewish.”

and like that explains everything. whuddevir. we slapped our knees and moved on. Oh yeh, i seem to have branched off topic. what i am trying to say here is, I only feel obligated to give these men a ‘harD time’ becuz they ask for it with their iNappropriate comments towards I and the other chicks. It’s reaL eFFing annoying whut we have to put up wif.

Uggh, my hair is preeeTy damn Oogly today. It hasn’t stopped snowing at all, and it began last nite. I’m feelin’ a bit pissed-off rite now and hungry and tired. maybe i will go and eat sumthing, go out for a kawfEE or whuddevir.
I’ve been at the computer all day and authorizing visa purchases over the fone.
I hate automated not-real people. durr. The guy’s voice at the visa thing wuz like,
“U SeEm tO bE haViNg TrubbiL, pleeeeeze stay on the line and an opOratiR will be wif u shortly.” Ffuk you message man!!! I am SO not having trubbles it’s all these freakin’ numbers 4500….fgjkbr dujkbfjk v. Okey-doo, time for break. Wow, it’s 1 43 pm, my, the time flies when yer bizzy doing meaningless tasks.