Pretty sick here. I look emo and dead. You’d like that wouldn’t you.
Open the window and let some of the amazing out oh my god right? Right. What? Hmm? That’s from the High School movie we saw yesterday, it was the best time being surrounded by media people with notepads and we were clearly the row of stupid idiot target marketed stoners in the middle of the theatre. There’s a frog that ribbits what? and Adrian Brody goes what? back at it and it ribbits what? again and it goes on and on, thumbs up! Some very serious comedic scenes and true to form drug high trip outs and what not, lots of sketch comedy and just plain sketch. Great at ten in the morning! Yesterday was a long day.
We made a day of shopping out of it.
I have some serious dubloons to burn on my Holt Renfrew (bday) gift card so we started there. I tried on a lot of wildfox clothing while visiting Ang in MTL and I never forgot about this one sweater I put on and didn’t take/buy/beg/steal and so now I got one kind of similar.
Now watch me pants myself.
Everyone smiled at me in this thing on my way to the Drake it is quite a beatific shirt. The material is ultra soft and all night long Rebecca was like oh it’s your $128 dollar t shirt! Blaha.
New shit makes you feel good. Summer is on now brother. I also danced with two hobos passing me on Queen like I was a lucky charm/leprechaun/pot of gold. One guy said to me as we passed, girl, too intimidated to talk to you it’s not even funny. He wasn’t even a hobo this time. Raymbo Bright nailed it.
After Holt (I didn’t have the patience to blow the rest of the card, still super sick) and after Zara (horrid customer service) we skipped down to 3F (dreamboats) to pick out an outfit each, I love those guys so much! So much coloured denim and new stock and styles in store the girls were like O_O YES.
Skinny bitches + open bar = things got fun last night. There was a pampering party at the Drake. Bech has the family camera so I’ll blog it tomorrow. Or whenever. I am on Raymi time.
My stomach is in every single picture. I was going to wear the flowered bloomer shorts Lois got me but it looked even sluttier somehow, too young, too hot. This one was fricking bang on enough. I need new summer wedges mom can I have yours?
Had half a grilled cheese sandwich, not much appetite, they were out of the tomato soup which is what I need right now and there was a hair in my salad that I just picked out and ate anyway. If it’s in a dive who cares. If it’s high end COMPLAIN COMPLAIN COMPLAIN. I could tell the bar maiden liked me so I didn’t want to make an enemy and I shutted upsky see how nice I am MTV.
Ha I got Welcome to Toronto on the ticker.
Gorge flowers everywhere can transform any setting.
How do you feel about Times Square Toronto? I feel it and only because there’s one of it and not blocks and blocks of it like in NYC. New York Lite. Plus we let street urchins take part in flash mobs and outdoor orchestra happenings conducted by randoms (tourists) sponsored by TD Bank or whatever.
Teeny times. I am taking this orange red thing prett-ay seriously right. I can’t wait to dye it again. Today I look like Aslan on a deadline one part risky business and prep boy rapist.
The blue looked amazing too but too much information down in the girl parts area. These are almost nude, I forget the name but will deke people out in the streets that I am nakes. Like that one picture that went viral of the girl bending over in these same skin colour pants except blobs and jiggles so I better watch it. I am sick skinny right now and all toned from Longboarding and coughing my whole body and abdominals for three days solid.
THE GIRLS™ had bibimbap for lunch while I had iced coffee and a throat lozenge with cough syrup in it (YUM) I had munchies in the theatre from our complimentary bags which also contained doobie rollies too THANK YOU LIFE. Honestly Last week I bought rollies on three separate occasions for three separate households like it was my fucking job or something, all the same brand plus the one in the movie bag. I had a tiny crush on the Jewish bad kid starring in the movie that I kept to myself I will kill you if you tell anyone. Rebecca drew a pentagram on her egg that I ignored until now because I am a bad friend. Just kidding too much was going on bro I talked so much (my business requires lots of talking but being with girls all day is a lot of talking) plus am so sick I sound like Kathleen Turner however how I sing right now as a result is adorabz. Everyone turned and smiled at me on my terminator 2 speed march home from the financial district along king home. I just sing softly and whisper sing to myself on the parts I am shitty at or unsure of lyrics then boldly belt it and I think that I have a skill here in that I can sound like every single singer pretty much to a tee, well the ones I listen to and train my ear to and party to dance to blog to. If you know me you’ll know I live on a record player and like to keep it simple, my tunes. I’m exploratory but I repeat the classics. Team Yay Cray have a top twenty dance hits list. If we are lucky! NEXT.
I am Sarah Jessica Parkering myself with this number. I shared my Zara balance with Bech cos for her birthday all I did was give her a package of lousy paintbrushes. She held my hand last night I was like, are you ready to take the next step in this relationship? Day: 150? of friendship sex: none. Baha I called her a lesbo on text right now and she said LESNO. Straighter than an arrow that one but she’s got a busted crooked wrist that can give handjobs around corners. Is this post sounding like Girls? Still haven’t watched it yet. Did you guys follow the hipster racism brew-ha-ha on the interwebz between Jezebel and SBTVC regarding it? Guess what side I’m on.
True story: saw a girl wearing a floral jumper onesie on Bech’s street I say can I borrrow yours for tomorrow? Then Bech wears her. The movie was at varsity. My old stomping grounds. Jules is leaving us for SF in Sept. Another reason to head there. It’s crappening dudes. I’m planning a trip for June. You will be mindblown.
I look like an older Jewish woman here in this light. Meh. I’m sick. REMEMBER THAT.
I ate a brownie and a bag of chips in the dark halfway through the movie and didn’t know what I was putting in my mouth ahaha. I had the loudest laugh in the theatre too which would make me laugh more.
Good afternoon class, welcome to Social Media Business Studies: THE NECESSARY EVIL. Now watch me as I live tweet and make fun of several people/brands/pop culture things. This is what we call “working” and this class is scheduled during a very vital key tweeting timeframe haha kidding I didn’t tweet, or say this either.
Wow love what you’ve done with the Business Department office. I love patios! I think it makes the students lazier though always coming to mooch around on their spare/lunch instead of walking up town to get high and eat pizza. Just kidding, no bad kids in sight, our generation has been grandfathered out. Speaking of, I told Mr. Bates about the falconer reunion party we had and said everyone is loving and like gangster’s paradise, one big happy family unit still. And yes everyone we are all very well versed on the hilarious offering what is Tom’s surname, Mr. Mastur- LOL. just had to get it out of the way cos it was very educationally important to address. The element of humour is a crucial raymi the minx component.
Statement purse of the century, Fall is definitely the season for a bright bag. This girl asked if it was some designer, whats her face and I was like “?” and then told them all about Nella Bella. She flips designer purses on Kijiji. Oh what a world we live in today.
Colleague and I were given leather-bound SSS insignia post-it holders. VIPLEASE treatment! Mr. Bates was funny and pointed out the 2010 dated year haha, and before he opened them up for us we were like Ooooh, and he goes yeah sorry (cos it could have been anything inside there right, good build-up to a great let-down) haha. I will let it proudly gather dust on a desk at some point, Tom.
See Tarek, everyone adores your work. Ps. do you think Mr. Bates is a sleeper gay? Lol.
No cell phones in class. Pfft. there isn’t wifi though cos of the (paranoia) brain waves, seriously. I said that’s fine, I didn’t have wifi so they should cope without.
I remember Mr. D he’s the shop/auto teacher, he always had grease rats loitering around, car groupies? Nerds who wanted to be manly and this one slutty girl whom I used to hang out with who was irritating as hell. She hung around Ward and I aka used him for rides, sorry gal, Ward is my chauffeur. He taught me to drive standard and I invented Life happens to Raymi at his house one night in the year 2000.
Woop woop! Partay!
And then this cute blushing ginger guy showed up and we shyly said hi to one another.
And then I was blown away by my English Media teacher showing up and screamed out OH MY GOD YOU INSPIRED ME SO MUCH! (Had no idea he was still teaching) And then everyone laughed at him gahaha.
He had hair when he taught me. Mr. Bates was like I didn’t know he taught you, I still think of him as the new guy. I chuckled as I set up my crap and said that’s funny you don’t get the respect you’ve earned and time you put in until you retire here. I hope you get a nice watch.
Off to chat to one of his students. Teachers use guests as student avoiding forcefields and just being an adult period in a school-setting makes everything you do look super important and you, very busy. Teachers have it made.
Ha I see event planner down there and how does a teacher even know what that means or how to teach it? I guess just watch wedding planning shows and you will figure it out? Brand manager? See, lucky kids, none of this shit was taught to me, which is what I told them so you better take notes.
We started in this room, then moved to the computer lab, which works on a first come first serve/scheduled basis? I introduced myself and then we all had to shuffle rooms. Gave me a breather to calm my nerves a little.
Aaand here is my rack No wifi? Lets get out of here. Didn’t use the laptop at all during my talk. They could just tune real me out and scroll away.
Much better. Wow, it’s not blocked? Amazing. oh my god that girl’s hair, gorgeous.
Ok so, I have been doing this for eleven years this November blabbity blah.. One girl said ok so when did you first start getting paid, I said three years in or so, wait a minute, you did this for years and no money? UH I had a real job and I was building my brand and preparing for wealth and working in a non-existent field. I paved the way for what is happening today. I started blogvertorials. Today if you were smart enough, thanks to me, you could start a blog and make money from it pretty much straight away but there is still a lot of work required of you. A lot of planning goes in to it, from your brand (name) to your design, content, appeal, angle, niche. Over the decade I have made many contacts and connections which over time those bonds get stronger and trust is built and then eventually you advertise for every single person you know because you are an expert in your taste-making field, whether your brand is appropriate for that client or not (many seem to think that mine isn’t, wrong, your customers read my blog) you eventually become a household name with daily relevant coveted traffic. I get 3000 UNIQUE visitors daily and advertising with me will raise your website’s rank. For example, I’ve brought a brand’s rank of over 4 million to under a million after working on a 3 month long campaign with them. Does the blog you advertise with raise your rank at all?
If you’ll note, along my sidebar, I have over 10 FIRST PLACE various blog awards that I have won through weeks of solid hardcore intense and skillful campaigning. I do not settle for second place, First is where it’s at. I even beat Dooce in 2006 for Best Diarist, and by now she’s on par with Oprah and Katie Couric.
And last night I did my first film advertisement for a brand that I am sure I’ll get more work out of, knock on wood. I said here’s one of my trade secret tip sayings, YOU’RE ONLY AS BIG AS YOUR NEXT BIG THING so even though I am coming off something “big” that I did last night, I have to move on to the next thing, which is you guys here. Then I motioned to colleague with camera. You are my next blog post. I think they got it but I felt a little amway-ish at times with my zippy liners, I’d stop halfway through a maniac spiel and go uh, I guess no one knows what I am talking about and then I had to explain what spin-doctoring was (which Mr. Bates said OOh good one and is putting on his test!)
Couldn’t find my bag of newspaper tricks from last time I spoke at SSS so I only brought my tiny blurb in The Grid about Rob Ford, my mother, Dan Aykroyd and I to pass around. I prepared a fun bag of visuals too, boutique hotel room card keys I saved, my photo of the WTC burning that I took, conference badges, ticket stubs, a stuffed doll of myself someone made. I think it was a very enjoyable presentation if I do say so myself.
We watched Bad Teacher on the weekend so this was very timely for me, as is everything because I am always ahead of the curve. #dustingshouldersoff
Ok so like after I graduated from high school and took off to NYC I had to change my game plan because this major terrorist disaster event happened and the party was over and my big plan of making it in that scene kind of died so I moved to Maine for a few months and had a radio show there instead called There’s Something about Raymi. One kid is like, what was your radio show about? I said, stupid crap, like my blog. I read weird stuff on air from the internet and talked about Canada a lot cos they’re stupid idiots and don’t know anything about us. I read the Molson Canadian beer commercial (that had just come out) that debunks every canadian stereotype, or re-inforces it, the My name is Joe and I am canadian blabbity blah. Big hit! You can blog from anywhere in the world, any scene, life is what you make it and it extends to blogging so, no excuses. Every new experience is a new opportunity in blog life to reach a new market demographic/audience.
My first book at 22. Even hate mail is valuable. (measure it in inches, -Warhol) We’ll be rolling out a Dear Raymi vol. II no doubt at some point, so watch your grammar! email@example.com
I caught her laughing along with some of my jokes. Good stand-up practise too. When I passed around The Grid copy I said now, this paper didn’t have to mention my mother and I at this function but I had the exclusive on it and the saucy addition of raymi the minx and the mayor is media gold and that is somewhat linked to spin doctoring in the sense that, I knew a photo with the mayor would pay off for my blog and that it did that’s why I invited Tracey the Minx and my fairy Godmother Lois. We’ll be out on the loose tonight and tomorrow oh my. I was very insidery with these kids cos I wanted it to all make sense to them someday when they learn that blogging is a very good means of success if done right, quite a practical hands-on learning which is what I meant when I asked how a teacher could possibly teach about event planning because there is more to it than simply guest lists (I told them to kiss PR girl ass like a motherf-er) and simple black outfits, you have to spin doctor and get VIPs in there, media, you have to orchestrate a magical successful circus, it can be a nightmare. Planning my ten year ann. gig was hell and there is still a frosty scowly face bee in this industry hive toward me for some alleged rudeness besought upon her from me (which I had no intention nor recollection of), you cannot please everyone and WILL NOT. So toughen up.
This is the cookie dealer. He makes cookies at home, wraps them in cling film, and price tag stickers, sells them at school which by Mr. Bates’ confession, is illegal. Mr. Bates is one of his cookie customers. LOL! I said that’s great but what are you going to do when you graduate? Get on twitter and/or blast on FB what batch of cookies you’ll be making for tomorrow. It’s his dream to make an indoor skatepark.
Hey kids what can I say, I did it my way.
Cookies have been banned from cafeterias, all junk and unhealthy foods, but Mr. Bates said (uber-sarcastically) yeah “apparently” because they’re evil, yes. I’m taste-testing one, not bad, not overly sweet or buttery. Smart guy. Also, wouldn’t your sexist old-fashioned mentality picture the bubbly phoney popular girl to be behind this evil cookie selling?
$1 liquidated to 25 cents hey I learned about double-stickering in biz class too kid, you’re lucky I didn’t pay for this.
Ha ha how adventures in babysitting of me. A lesson in swag bags. Also on the test! No one knew what they were, Mr B was shocked. Only Toronto kids know what they are, interesting.
????? So glad I am not in high school anymore o_O?
One of my sponsorships. That blew my little fan girl raymi away. I have 7 Nella Bellas?
Interesting hair day from behind.
That kid fired up Yogurty’s website and I’m like, excuse me, is he even in this class? I gave him a card too tried to get him to pose in our group photo Ahaha. He was really funny (good work you are working very hard lol I said) and I used him (and others) at certain junctures for comedic purposes. Good group of kids these lot, it was a fun lesson session.
I played with this three hole punch A LOT even partially dismantling it at one point.
Ok lets get the hell outta here and beat the after school rush. But do we have time for a library heist first and group photos? Duh!
Success is going back to your high school and teaching them about your weird life. You can work in a box factory and be a millionaire (though unlikely) ok scrap the box factory thing, what I mean is, I am one who thinks I am always right and I need to public/motivational speak at least every other month or so to stay sharp so thanks for having me Mr. Bates! Get those kids on tumblr.com or twitter. Probably both. And funnel all that crap to Facebook while you’re at it. (especially the cookie dealing kid I got high hopes for him and the Kijiji girl too).
Good work, I am giving you all A’s. Now get that swag bag out of here we do not advertise for free.
I only dressed a little bit slutty. Guy on the left looks exactly like a friend/classmate of mine from SSS who died of Meningitis while backpacking in Spain, in a hostel (be careful when you travel, and if it’s a cold, it could be worse!)(not to make you travel paro or anything) I didn’t mention it at the time but every time I looked at his face, it hurt. He died in his sleep, was peaceful. #emo. He was 21 I think. I got one last summer party in with him that I am forever grateful for, we all went til the sun came up and I never partied like that before all the high school cast were there. Maybe I will write about it some day. Way to go Scott Monk for that rip roarin’ blast! #thosewerethedays. I lived in Oakville at the time. Actually I will write about it and stick it in Six Months in Mansions which’ll be a juicy seller.
Mr. Bates is into harajuku culture or he likes to copy how I pose in photos.
How cute. Ahh high school memories. So fun.
And now for more fun. Book heist.
Mr. Bates gave me a copy of On the Road (a little raymi that pays attention) and I was like, can we steal the copy I used from the library for my essay that’s all underlined and marked up like a crazy emotional teenager? Ok sure, class, stay here til the bell rings we “have to go”. HAhaa. I said just locked them in!
Blond girl was on our tracks, then Mr. Bates dropped out of teacher role (which is hilarious to see a teacher being real and like, when Bob Saget swears, I am so naive it’s adorable) and said some funny stuff and I go, Mr. Bates! There’s a student RIGHT THERE behind us and he goes, oh yeah, she’s great. Then made her hold his clip board while he tied his shoe and said, there should be someone here to do this for me. HAHAH! Dying. Then some of his students slip out and he’s like, they’re escaping. School is jokes, or a joke if you’re a genius like me. My brother let a neighbourhood cat in the school a couple times. That school is so chill man compared to the scary maximum security prison what was my Catholic School I transferred from.
The lockers are painted differently now.
Very teachery shoes of me, clacky. I brought other heels to change into but didn’t see the point.
Haha look dad he chose a picture of me and your mustang for his clipboard notes.
This library was a good place to duck in to if you were avoiding teachers, or brothers.
I used to write in the Vice forums in this library, until the website was blocked, and then my blog too. Yahoo chat wasn’t, I’d plan my night’s mischief at SSS before going to my part time job, where I had phone access for 4-5 hours before closing time. Pre-cellphone world smarts. I bought a Motorola brick phone to make sneaking around easier too. That’ll go in another autobiography.
Should have looked up the last time it was taken out. Probably me.
How to not steal: If paparazis are present, they may photograph your crime. Ps. I don’t steal. Once in awhile a friend will admit to petty theft or Kleptomania and it is shocking, some people actually have a problem. A family friend at one point in time was an under cover store walker, he has stooories.
Yup that’s the one.
Metal detection bypass. You mean, I could have been stealing books all those years? Magazines too? Dammit. It’s ok, when I wrote reports I would invent authors/books that didn’t exist and make up the facts and bullshit statistics myself if I couldn’t find any books on it or take from a pile that I didn’t read. Sometimes my stuff was so well written I’d get, not exactly accused of, but perceived plagiarism. No, I am just a very good writer, sorry. My dad accused me once too, it’s a compliment the way I see it. 56% of euthanized pets are grateful for it. Lol.
Like, this is SO good there is no way an idiot like you could have written this. And how!