stand the fuck by me

When the night has come

And the land is dark

And the moon is the only light we see

No I won’t be afraid

No I won’t be afraid

Just as long as you stand, stand by me

And darling, darling stand by me

Oh, now, now, stand by me

Stand by me, stand by me

If the sky that we look upon

Should tumble and fall

And the mountain should crumble to the sea

I won’t cry, I won’t cry

No I won’t shed a tear

Just as long as you stand, stand by me

And darling, darling stand by me

Oh, stand by me

Stand by me, stand by me, stand by me

Whenever you’re in trouble won’t you stand by me

Oh, now, now, stand by me

Oh, stand by me, stand by me, stand by me

Darling, darling stand by me

Stand by me

Oh stand by me, stand by me, stand by me

you guys are gonna fucking love this. i told duder write me the alphabet and he wrote me it but in every language of the world!

Johnny let’s have sex right now ok newpants

i like it when people think certain things about me that are not reality – it’s so flattering and not at all annoying and i shake my head yes yes yes when i read their words and i hear them say it i go you are SO right open up the window and let some of the right out.

that’s me up there, prepping for the raymimpics, otherwise known as the special olympics.

and i forget what the event was.

uhh.

i think i was just a water girl or something or suppose to b eand i got so excited i backflip-somersaulted into the bookshelf on the bed and zak was all, we’re outta here sister and i was all ya whatever you are wearing my sweater, i invented it.

good day.

so i like to wear beige a lot because people see you and they are like YOU ARE NAKED and they look again and they go YOU ARE NOT NAKED but, you look NAKED, and, brraaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAARRR and i am neurotic going i wish i wore a dumpy librarian dress instead.

dune and bob show

go there and figger out how to get them radio thing on yer ‘puter ‘cos then you can hear raymi talk to kansas widgituh every sunday about how lame hooters is and how i’m a big no talent ass-clown and im kinda nervous to call but whatever and other junk.

oh yeh it’s every sunday 6-8 pm eastern time. i’m callin’ in about 7 or so.

-

nervous.

From : baron

Reply-To : baron

Sent : August 22, 2004 1:34:10 PM

To : Raymi Lauren
Subject : Re: kerplunk

raymi

i meant everything i said and i mean everything i’m going to say now:

you cannot control the idiocy and actions and bullshit in other

people. and man, have i tried. i’ve tried to preach. i’ve tried to

give a shit about people (an ex). i’ve tried to help people “realize

themselves” or whatever. and it doesn’t work. i can’t respect anyone

more than they respect themselves. you can’t wish someone into

understanding something they’ll never get.

and you are much too complex for most, and that isn’t flattery, it is

the truth, and it’s easy for me to tell because i’ve been there. and

i’m not bragging and going, oh look how different we are from the pigs

and the pigfuckers. there’s a reason why there is such a thing as

“the average life” and there is a reason why in this world there are

bukowskis, picassos, courtney loves, ghandis and raymis. and life,

REAL life, as you yourself have testified, is both beautiful and ugly

and bad and good. a lot like you. there is no value to be placed on

any of those qualities. those who believe that only any one of those

extremes make up their lives and who they are, live lies and

shortchange themselves.

dunno if this offers any comfort to you or perhaps can help you cope

somehow, but i lately finally concluded that maybe the only thing i

can control is my behaviour and my choices. someone needs to be a

fucking idiot, i let them. they’re just off my radar. life’s too

short to be caught up in the drama and the horseshit. i decided to

get off my meds because i was tired of being trapped in a grey room

with a low ceiling and having my emotional spectrum narrowed from two

extremes to two non-extremes. i couldn’t write and i needed my

feelings back. so i learnt to cope by avoiding triggers and

horseshit.

and you know what? i fucking fail. all the time. sometimes

miserably. but hey, i try. just like you try. trying is the biggest

thing. showing up counts the most. fuck, raymi, you are showing up

every day you stand in the face of all the shit that’s going on in

your life and decide to write and exorcise it, or just sit down and

feel it. you don’t pretend you’re better than or above feeling the

things that make you a living, breathing human being; that’s what i

fucking dig and respect. you feel it because it’s in you, you let it

run, and you are the anal fistfuck to the new age, armchair

psychology, “i am too good to feel angry or sick or suicidal or ____”

lie that so many try to delude themselves into thinking passes for an

illusion of self-respect.

you have more self-respect and truth than the myriad of cunts you will

run into as soon as you step outside your front door. if that makes

you a cunt to some people, so be it. this whole ex boyfriend thing,

whatever–i read his shit and there’s a man who made his own choices

and now he wants people to feel sorry he made the “wrong” ones. kiss

my ass. now he wants to play blame games and excuse his part in all

of it, and pretend he’s so fucking noble? and the people surrounding

the situation, with their comments, and their opinions, and their

fucking insights, what kind of investment do they have in it, anyway,

other than being glued to someone else’s lives because it’s so much

easier to be the voyeur than the exhibitionist.

i mean, do you have shit to learn? fuck yes. there is an ocean of

shit you still haven’t learnt. me too. that’s ‘cos you’re fucking

alive. be glad for it. to be alive and sit on a throne of

whatever|nothing and think you’ve got it all down, like some of these

people have implied about themselves, like they’re all so cool and so

enlightened, is the kind of death i bet you wake up everyday in your

life living to avoid. eventually these shitheads will “grow up”, work

for the man and become widgets in the system they pretend to live on

the fringe of because life beat the fight out of them. you,

though…you. you’ll sink with the ship. or sail away. either way,

if you don’t happen to respect and admire the fuck out of yourself,

then know that i do. if you don’t interest yourself, know that i’m

interested as hell.

it’s so much easier to watch someone else’s life through the window

pane than to go live your own. you live it. that’s what makes you

who you are.

so listen, keep on keeping on. blog cos i think it gives you an

outlet to get some things out. i write screenplays. partly because i

want to, partly because i have to write something somehow. it’s not

just a passion, it’s a need. and whatever move you make next, whether

it’s a new name or a new persona or whatever, that’s all good. i get

the inkling, though, that it’s impossible for you to avoid it somehow

someway becoming the real you, because that’s just who you are. maybe

you’ll let me in on the experiment, anyway.

anyway, i’m sorry, i went on and on. i don’t know. maybe something

in me clicked with you and i felt like i have a lot to say. i’ve been

reading you for a while now. started way back when, off and on, then

get back into you lately. i hope i didn’t overstep some kind of line,

or come closer than appropriate, or just plain spoke more than i

should’ve.

it’s cool to have connected with you. i feel honoured and privileged.

xxoo,

baron

On Sun, 22 Aug 2004 12:00:49 -0400, Raymi Lauren
wrote:

> baron

>

> i really needed to hear that

>

> i have been thinking of stopping my blog everyday for the last two weeks

> things are so stressful for me right now

> i lose it all over the place and i argue with everyone around me because i

> cant handle humouring them with their ridiculous crap i just cant shut up

> like ever

> like yer wrong, yer VERY wrong and i am right so SHUT UP or i say the exact

> thing that they know is true and the thing they try and avoid telling

> themself all their life

> i call it out 3 minutes after having met them and then i am evicted from the

> premises

> so what

>

> some people have to be told

> and it is the one’s who can’t be told that i have to tell the most

> i just want to delete my brain sometimes

> but then a minute later i am like

> NO

> this is why i am me and what separates me from them

>

> but then i always feel like a target

> i remember john lennon

>

> i just want to live

>

> i dont want to preach anymore

>

> there is so much badness i cant see the goodness

> but then i look into the face of my neice and i run around the lawn with her

> and i think i have to be around for her i have to tell her everything i know

>

> so my next move is modelling and making a brand new name

> not my real name not raymi not anything to do with the real me

>

> i dont want the new people to know the real me

> that garbage can surface later

>

> like they’ll go why do u look like you are 40 when u are 25? oh that’s

> right, it’s because this this and this.

>

> i dont want to talk anymore or give anyone advice unless it is my neice or

> my cat or a banana.

>

> thank you so much baron, you saved the raymi blog, for now

>

> x

>

>

> >From: baron

> >Reply-To: baron

> >To: Raymi Lauren
> >Subject: Re: kerplunk

> >Date: Fri, 20 Aug 2004 11:12:53 -0700

>

>

> >

> >well you are a fucking flower of carnage. i think of you, i think of

> >the yeah yeah yeahs. i think of the bride in kill bill, only

> >demented. you’re slightly frightening, slightly hard to know but that

> >sounds so ironic doesn’t it, when you put it out there for everyone to

> >see. maybe that makes it scary for some or even most. you are likely

> >equally loved and equally hated, but you probably rather that than

> >just being something so innocuous as “well-liked by all”. you’re

> >friends with your shadow, you don’t keep her locked in the basement.

> >

> >you look terrific naked. you are stark beautiful. but this isn’t

> >projection, it’s fact.

> >

> >and i think you’re exquisitely sensitive. pick up things most people

> >miss. which makes you a fucking interesting-as-hell writer because

> >you have such a singular worldview. but i know what being exquisitely

> >sensitive is like, when the brain screams like a hive and won’t quit.

> >you want to blow everything to pieces but you try to keep it together

> >anyway. and sometimes, you fall short of the glory but you’re not at

> >all afraid of the fact. and it makes you more brave than most.

> >

> >you asked.

> >

> >-baron

> >aka

> >love,

> >your darling maggot

> >http://www.lithiumjournals.com/blog

> >

> >On Fri, 20 Aug 2004 13:54:13 -0400, Raymi Lauren

> > wrote:

> > > engage away

> > > project away

> > > i love to hear it

> > > you know i do

> > >

> > > my ass makes baby jesus cry – raymi

> > >

> > > yes link please and ill link back

> > > send me link

> > >

> > > >From: baron

> > > >Reply-To: baron

> > > >To: parkdaleraymi@hotmail.com

> > > >Subject: kerplunk

> > > >Date: Thu, 19 Aug 2004 16:28:36 -0700

> > >

> > >

> > > >

> > > >your stuff blows me away with its rawness and energy and i would like

> > > >to link you if it’s okay.

> > > >

> > > >i’m addicted to reading your shit. part of it is the drama but most

> > > >of it is the honesty, the ugliness that you’re not afraid to hide, and

> > > >just how very rare that is. i don’t know, i could project all kinds

> > > >of things and engage in transference but i’d rather not, and instead

> > > >just simply say i dig you.

> > > >

> > > >great ass, by the way.

> > > >

> > > >peace out,

> > > >baron

> > >

i found two beers in the fridge like ten seconds after i told my dad i am gonna quit drinking today, so i’ll stick with the initial quit drinking monday shit. and he just came in the door with some food so i have to be all stealth and hide the booze when i go into the crisper and the place where the eggs hang out in the refridgerator now, fock and he’ll say what are you doing and i’ll say looking for lettuce of course oh look some bacon, dururururr.

and i am quitting smoking tomorrow. i have five belmonts left and i wasn’t going to tell anyone kuz i didnt want 40 emails or comments going good luck u can do it, i dont want anyone to say anything at all because this is the first time i have said to myself since i was 15 that i was going to quit smoking. i don’t want to tell people because then when i fuck up or have a drag here and there and then i full on start smoking again those 40 emails will be something like you are a loser.

i don’t say things that i plan to do unless i know for fact they will come to seed.

so i know i won’t fail at quitting smoking and i know i won’t fail at quitting beer and booze, you know. i already haven’t smoked the marijuana since early july and i have zero desire to smoke it ever again. well, except of course for when i see certain movies and hear certain songs, but whatever.

and i know not smoking and drinking is gonna make me lost it a bit in the happiness factor because i have also decided to cut cold turkey my zoloft, deeeeepreshin pills because i have to embrace this sadfunk that is my life, those pills are making me hypo-manic these days and it is just ridiculous.

i have also been taking the mod lithium as well and i think i’ll take a whole pill instead if half, we’ll see how it all works out, because when i miss zoloft i see black and white spots and i walk into stuff and i am like, woah.

so possibly i won’t be able to quit smoking just yet, well tomorrow i will but i’ll have to start up again because i will be very fucking sad for awhile and it’ll show, i won’t be standing around going s’ok s’ok im ok raymi is ok ok?! but you let’s talk to you focus on you me? fuck me. forget me.

le fucking sigh

sorry guys i’m figuring this out as i write this now and i keep eyeing the can of labatt behind the laptop screen and this truely is the last day of booze for awhile and i think i may start crying like how i cried over weed and angelo can attest to that. heh. there is even photographic evidence.

me and my addictive personality just like, spoils me.

i walk around going guys what organ is this and i point at my stomache and sometimes it is my liver or it is my kidney or my intestines and i go why is my gut lopsided why do i have chest pains all of a sudden i never had them before why does it hurt when i do sit-ups.

i have to stop polluting my soul.

but for now, it is beer o’clock.

oh and i also have some sketchy news to report on my paro-state-of-mind + posts traumatic stress and the like.

stay tuned or something.

maybe you made the wrong choice like you said you did on aim last week and maybe you still don’t get it that she thinks you are a chump and you are still trying still

maybe you should see what you did to me because yes i see what i did to you

but i never hid from you and i never said fuck you to your whole damn country and i don’t get anyone to email you or call you or comment to you to stick/stand up for me and i don’t go all over the place doing this and i don’t agree with your ex girlfriends and say yeh i really think that they treated you nicely when you tell me that they walked all over you and/or cheated

i don’t demand my friends to back me 100 per cent like that ever i let them decide for themselves

i don’t do all this terribly nasty slander campaigns all over msn and email and email commenters from your blog and then say to you LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE NOBODY CARES

because you’re right nobody cared/s

that is

until YOU made them

i almost texted you last nite to say i see it now i see how hard it was for you i really truely do but then a bird called me and i was like whaaat whaaat WHAT

you’re precious, really, you are

stop ripping me off get your own identity get off your vain game of pain

remember i was honest with you save for that one thing and i listened to everything you said and i nevever ever lied once on my blog so why would i start now

that’s not me and it never was and it will never be

seriously this time me leaving you alone entails you leaving ME the fuck alone and every single person on the web affiliated with you me us them this that there, got it

do not instill fear because seriously the shit i got on you is up there along with the shit on me

we could have been friends

we should have been friends

you could have been rational and adult-in-nature

i loved you i love you

bye