well thats the thing hipsters do not want to read about hipsters
hipsters HATE hipsters
they want to read about scummy cool dangerous people because everyone knows that hipsters are big pussies and all they do is read chunky dictionaries in farty arty dark bars with candles all alone and they butt in on other people’s conversations to say something annoyingly clever and then they turn to their friend and say zoltan! and snicker.
that’s what i do anyway except i make people cry and/or jump into a bonfire and then i try and sell them a website.
ha!
From: “Tony C”
To: “‘Raymi Lauren'”
Subject: RE: special party
Date: Mon, 1 Nov 2004 11:29:00 -0500
Nope not me.. I’d have to be way more arrogant and at least booze and carouse
with hoochies to be a rockstar. It’ll only lower your blog rating. Besides
blogs are for you young hipsters. Though if you ever make a blog for the
elderly
or almost elderly I’d be perfect and I can give you a bulk rate on content.
—–Original Message—–
From: Raymi Lauren [mailto:
Sent: Monday, November 01, 2004 10:13 AM
To: “Tony C”
Subject: RE: special party
i am putting this on my blog because u are a rock star
>From: “Tony C”
>To: “‘Raymi Lauren'”
>Subject: RE: special party
>Date: Sun, 31 Oct 2004 23:56:30 -0500
>
>About me? hmmm is someone willing to pay for it? Cause I’ll make shit
>up for a price.
>I have a tech addiction to support. lol I’m doing good had a couple of
>accidents but being I’m semi unbreakable and I bounce I’m be back to
>action soon.
>Foccusing mainly
>on business and staying out of trouble. Was in TO again last summer
>causing mayhem on the danforth. Think I got on the news that time. Or
>so I heard. Had a youth regression and went to hip hop concerts in
>bryant park as well. shamefully most of my video from that was the
>hoochie dancers but hey I like dem hoochies. Got a couple of new jobs.
>Moved several times. Most recently last month. Stopped hangin at most
>sites.
>Proclaimed myself
>innocent and pure as the falling snow or a baby lamb. Decided it was
>better to go back to hating people first then decided trying to snap
>those that piss me off in half only leads to lebgthy trials which my
>best friend who’s a defense attorney vows to get me locked up for being
>stupid. Other than just chillin waitin for scary terrorist shit to
if time is of primary importance to you folks, i can, for a trifling consideration, provide you with super fast service. – comic of waitor with rocketpack jet on his back talking to customers.
you never smile so you will never have crow’s feet
not disciplined creative intelligence can be a burden
the year of zoloft and modern lithium
that was so sacreligious
how do you spell it
sac with religious
pretty bored yet feeling elitist, no, personable. this is fun, interesting and i’m glad to be on the other side of the nerves-factor for once. these people really want the gig-thing.
do not take me for some conjuror of cheap tricks
i gave you too much love and worship
ward said
i tried a piece of the deep-fried banana and it tasted like a banana and i don’t eat bananas, i don’t eat anything that grows
and then i said to ward
well what about chickens, they grow and you just ate chicken
and ward said
yeh well there is a whole process to chickens, the catching and slaughtering but with bananas they are just lazy, they just, grow.
im only 12 but i want to be like younot givin a dahm and fuckin every guy that likes you ( no affence) but i really want to e like you and my motto is ur neva to young for somethin newut heres my problem there is this guy i told him im 14 and im in 8th gr hes not that hott but hes 16 and still virgin hes crazii i knoe but i rlly like him but he has gurl.. listen to this ova the internet is too funni he always talks to her always!!!! anyways thees another guy in my skoool who has a gurl and hes reall hott!! i need advice on how i can get them BOLTH!!
i want to be just like you… not sayin that ur bad you sound really kool i need help
jennifer!!!
ok that disturbed me, when i was 12 i was not plotting how to screw boys, i was fantasizing about rock stars and writing about that, i didn’t have this thing called msn, i didn’t even have the friggin’ internet, my friend dan did and we’d go there to write emails to random businesses on the web and the emails were something like this, “You’re a homo and you suck your own penis and you are so ugly and you’re gay!”
you know, mature stuff like that, and then we’d rip the hell out of the company, i think one sold fishing rods or something and we made lewd fishing rod comments, and then dan’s dad got an email about the whole thing and dan got in trouble but not really, well sort of, ‘cos we were suppose to be working on our geography project but janet kept walking in and telling me she was fat and i was like no u aren’t shut up you are pretty dur dur dur
anyway, this jennifer girl who emailed me, i refuse to respond, i am actually considering abolishing the how to be a slut article because people have taken it way too seriously and i am still being emailed about it but now it’s coming from little girls? sometimes men will email me and ask my advice about their wives screwing around on them and then i write long emails about what signs to look for when really the problem is they are just not meant to be or their needs aren’t being met, i dunno.
the world is fucked and so are people and they are all on the internet and they are all looking at porn and cheating on each other and now little jennifer is wanting to be just like me, so, now what?
oh and ps jennifer i do not fuck every guy that likes me, i apologize if it appears to be that way, but it isn’t that way, i am actually quite a loyal person, these days especially, and i wanted you to know that.
now i have to decide if i am going to wash my face or not or if i should go get coffee or juice or eat something or take advil though it’s all of the above the washing of the face is the one that gets me
if you know me personally then you’ll know i am of the dirtbag-persuasion and that stems from the following:
1. lazyness
2. lazyness
3. too busy talking about lazyness
4. too busy making “funny” comments or thinking them wanting to write them down or taking photos of the same stuff everyday but maybe this time it will look better?
5. not caring but caring only about how much other people will know i am wearing make-up on top of make-up because of
6. lazyness
7. sdfihdsfhdsvnewirtu43598743
8. i am hungry
9. shut up
10. i hate that the number ten is a two-digit number and now my list isn’t congruent
11. i will at least brush my teeth
12. this list is awesome
13. well it is the weekend so it doesn’t matter how trashy i look
14. right, this isn’t toronto, there are important rich people walking around with their families
15. DAMMIT!%$#@*
16. i could wear my ninja outfit
17. ok that is just weird
18. though pretty funny plus i am laughing out loud, sort of
19. i wish cats could speak
20. asshole cats
so ya, i guess i was always manic, i just thought about this three half-seconds ago, i was thinking about how i can hammer out all this thought-tangent nonsense really fast and it was like that in school too – i wanted to do it as fast as possible and i didn’t care how shitty it looked, it was perfect in my eyes and i didn’t care if ms. HAG wanted me to draw that mountain less-ugly i was like screw that mountain look at that seal, that seal is WICKED! and she was like, F.
kidding, she gave me a B and i was down with that because it was close to recess and i was in enrichment anyway and soon to be the valedictorian on account of my loudmouth “getting along with everyone though annoying the crap out of everyoneness”
this chump tole my mum oh isshe gonna coast on that valedictorian crap forever?
yes chump, i am, because you were not a valedictorian and that’s why you are ripping me for it, and i don’t give a cuss-word that this was in grade-school, i don’t give a cuss-word period and that is why i reminisce about school because i did and said a lot of funny stuff and i was picked on and teased just as much as everyone else and i am young still and i remember a lot of things so i write them down and talk about them to entertain myself and others, not to brag or to indulge
‘cos when my mum told me they had chosen me i was confused because i didn’t think i deserved it because by grade eight i was slaaacking ‘cos i was so miserable and under-challenged and by then teacher’s had grown-accustomed to my bs and offering to read my assignment first because i was too impatient to sit there with the thing in front of me on my desk not being shared, it was like fire, @#$%, get it off my desk now, my peers have to hear what i wrote last nite, they have to hear it now
anyway
i was flat and had a big nose and i was tall and sort of skinny but then started being all insecure about my body weight ‘cos of those dumb girl magazines and because i was a brainer though a COOL brainer, people hated me more i guess so my phsyical flaws were their blessings, you know, chumpface?
this post was only suppose to be a ten numbered list with that funny engrish picture and now look at it.
i felt pretty lame showing up like a ninja alone because EV couldn’t handle being out because the one person he wanted to be with he just couldn’t be with and i got that feeling you get when someone is crying and they can’t have you there seeing them but they need you to hug them but they don’t at the same time and you are awkward in the car in a ninja outfit with a plastic sword and your backpack and jacket and it is raining and your friend is crying and says you just have to leave
well i got that feeling, that asshole-idiot feeling that i had let him down, that i couldn’t make him not cry because i have this stupid little gift of making people remember pain and i get them to think about emotions and stuff because i am all analytical and then i just go and ruin everything
and after they tell me i don’t want to talk about it or think about it i do or say other things to try and cover up the thing we are not suppose to be talking and thinking about and so it was hard because i knew he was already thinking it because i know i was but i was running around preparing and i knew he was going to ditch and i was fine with that
but there i was in town walking to the spot instead of fil’s because i had to unleash my ninja-ness because all of a sudden i was feeling really impressed with myself and the world was not at all bleak and though i was feeling greatful for the convenience of the spot, but moreso happy to know there are people around i can bump into and talk about anything and they listen, sort of, and then they say something and i listen, sort of though there is a huge insecurity of the people who do this hopeful bumping into each other at various spots because you are all shy and polite and go may i please speak with you because i am patheticly complex and miserable and sometimes if they are already wasted they will let you and sometimes they won’t because they are just not into it and that’s why you have an arsenal of books and pens and stuff or a newspaper
but everyone talks to everyone eventually because drunk people are nice people because they are sad people and that’s why they are drunk
they didn’t choose drinking because it’s cool to drink and makes you win a coors lite golf weekend with ten trillion rock bands playing it and unicorns with maxim magazine models with all their amazingly hospitable friends going BLAAARW YAH BOOOOOZE WE’RE SO TOTALLY ROCK AND ROLL GOLF PLAYERS NOW!
ok well maybe that is how they started drinking
what i meant to say was
they continue to drink because they are lonely and sad and do not have rock and roll golf player friends to hang out with so they go to nice little pubs and talk to indignant and hilarious blokes who hate everything about everything because they have been screwed by the man or by their wives or sons or they were the one who made it all go wrong and now they drink away their memory and change it so it wasn’t their fault, who cares, they have all been hard-done-by and we all are not pretty enough or smart enough, tall enough, we don’t measure up and so we drink and talk about the day when they will get together and do something about it all
so we ate french cheese from canada and tried to watch twist but it was too drab and depressing so we watched meangirls instead and we drank fancy vodka and cream soda and got all sleepy and were total dirtbags oh yeh we had sushi and then we watched some footage of hanna doing a show at the royal york and the camera guy she hired was total crap and i am going thru videos of yesterday’s auditioners and making fun of a lot of them i’ll transcribe all the notes i made from yesterday tomorrow because i am a nicegirl.
i havent even washed my face and i am walking around in wool socks the weather is kinda crappy, people keep calling me to figure out what is happening tonite, tomorrow, the nite after, this whole halloween-thing is kinda stressful, the whole making-an-effort of it, i mean.
last year’s halloween jamie and i walked around looking at people wearing costumes and we hung out in that harlot-tavern and i poured hot candle-wax on the tables and we peeled it off and made cubes out of it and i let him take pics of me ‘cos i was starting to feel confident again, well i had to, i was in nyc, you know?
i had coolhandluke’s sweater and black hair again and this green jacket that wasn’t all tagged with raymi-crazy graffiti on it and i talked to the blond girl on msn for the first time after all that draaaaama and then to tina and he was all excited over it, and now i know why he was all excited over it.
so i was there for a week and i didn’t leave jamie’s apartment i just sat on the couch with pillows what fall off of it, jamie would come home from work and i would make like i hadn’t been chainsmoking all day long staring at the bodyshopsketchbags across the street.
now i would have left the apartment had there been extra keys, had there been extra keys, i prolly wouldn’t have left the apartment anyway, had i been more ambitious i would have just met jamie in the city instead of being an invalid.
true called sometimes and we met up and true was very nice and flattering and i was taken aback because i was so not in that big-ego raymi thing, i was feeling so not, anything.
i felt nothing, i felt things i felt sad, but that sadness came from the inability to feel, and my hair fell out because i was getting over an abortion and had extra weight on because of these you-are-so-totally-not-right medication because you try to friggin’ hard to be happy and make other people happy and now look at you.
anyway, i want to say thank you to everyone, even if you just read me and never say anything to me, or we’ve met and you’ve let me hold your hand, or you have lent me a nickel, or you let me have you over and wait on you while you watch dumb things or read my books, thank you for being a part of my world.
