lazy is as lazy does

and does

and does

and

backyards

so this obnoxious fool was attacking everything what was everything what was me saturday afternoon and i was beyond annoyed with his gall to be such a fucker what with the occasion ‘n all

he was making fun of my nose and my flat chest and my smoking and saying oh i bet you don’t even have a boyfriend and he was making all these not-funny pervy jokes and being completely innapropriate and making fun of the catholic religion because he’s jewish and i was sitting there drinking a specialty coffee and yes i was mouthing back like your bitchy aunt all over the livingroom because i knew i could get away with it

dude couldn’t hit me or anything ‘cos it was a family-gathering and even his dotter was there and his wife

and he was bragging about all these things he buys off ebay and how he lavishes his wife with gifts and i said well that’s because you hate yourself and you feel inadequate and insecure about your fat face and bald head and fat stomache and it makes you feel better about yourself to cut up other people by way of pointing out their big noses and making fun of their uncle

and i also said i was completely fine with my big nose and had come to accept it and my flat chest and that many men/women appreciated my body, liked it very much in fact and then i told him to go fuck his fat bastard self and that’s when my nana came over to me and said now be a lady and she was trying to smooth out my forehead because when i get angry my forehead turns into a mass of rageful expression

and then fat focker says he knows someone who does botox

and on and on and on it went ’til about 4 or 5pm and it got to a point wherein you start making all these violent scenarios in your head and thinking about how everyone in the room would react to you flying across the coffeetable and strangling the guy whilst china cups and plates of food are smashing all around and you’re screaming and screaming

and for the sake of your fantasy reactions being in your favor

everybody is cheering you on

and

someone passes you a cigarette afterwards and the dude apologizes for being such a douchebag and it is not at all awkward after your ridiculous flip-out

not in the least

heh

and so

because i am not a violent person by nature and i know full well that there are bound to be not good repurcussions to a scenario involving strangulation

i sat there listening to holiday music

at the end of the couch

listening to this pervert brag about giving it to his wife the nite before and was happy as crap when she came down the stairs and told her side

which was

her being tired, being half asleep and letting him take advantage of her

and seeing his ego put on their winter ebay boots to go make fun of the pigmeat on the diningroom table for maybe 2 minutes before he came back over to talk really loud and stupid for a couple more hours.

thanks duder-dude for the new banner and for saying on it that there is a party in my head i think that this particular banner lends much credibility to the raymi blog, don’t you agree?

awnry

the guy was standing there, too aware of his outfit, poseuing by his table of friends and the one with the played-out fohawk who did a few backflips on the spot to the shitty cover band and the girl with the black shoulder-showing shirt and blond little hair grabbed the mic and screamed one of those rock songs you throw yourself around to in seedy bars and i asked aimee if she hated her as much as i did and aimee’s eyes bugged out in agreement.

i always feel bad when i am in that place, bad for people, the women they are sitting there waiting to be approached in their xmas dressyness and they are talking to each other and all the men are wearing the same lame leather jacket with cellphones clipped to their belts and they are looking at the 20 year olds who are brazen enough to drunkscreamtalk and then i look back at the clusters of women with pride and self-respect, trying to appear that way anyhow and then some drunk doofus-fuck is barking at me about his wife/ex-wife, soon-to-be and i feel like telling him look moron, look over there at those pretty ladies who might just put up with your bullshit a little while, i don’t understand why YOU just won’t/don’t understand that you are wasting your friday nites in the same spot every week, hoping ms.perfect will come along and be everything your mother is/not

so stop talking to me because i am not going to fuck you, i’m not even going to hold your hand, or remember you three minutes from now, but that woman over there at the table, she is staring at you right now so why don’t you accept the fact now that you are balding and your white collar job will only impress a 23 yr. old for maybe 8 months or so if you’re lucky and then you have to try it all over again and by then you are nearing 50 and thinking about spreading your seeds around but no woman is wanting to pop out bastard children for a man who will be in his grave by the time they’re in university.

fucking alky.

Not real sure why I’m writing this, other than lacking someone else to talk

>to, I guess. Funny how the Internet and anonymous (to me) words can strike

>one’s soul.

>

>

>

>Your blog disturbs me (we’re going to come back to this). Not for the

>reasons some other fuck-holes are likely to complain about – and in a way,

>for exactly those same reasons. Your blog is messy. Your life seems messy

>and complicated. Why do you write all that stuff that you do? Aren’t you

>afraid people will read it, and will see you (I mean the real you, not just

>a photo of you, I mean like your soul)? Doesn’t that scare the piss out of

>you?

>

>

>

>Hear me out. there’s actually a compliment here if you get all the way

>through to see it.

>

>

>

>I’m almost crying as I write this. You see, I have a messy life. I’m an

>underachiever, even though I’ve been very successful. On the outside, I

>look like a composed, intelligent, somewhat sensitive guy that has a lot,

>has done a lot, is admired – and on the inside, I feel like I’m dying every

>minute I breathe. People at work hate me, even though I only work so I can

>do good for them. My family feels more like a bunch of people you run into

>in a grocery store – “Hi Mary – how are the kids?” – than anything intimate.

>Nothing feels good/right. Less feels worthwhile. I rarely see a light at

>the end of the tunnel, and when I have, a fair number of the lights turned

>out to be trains.

>

>

>

>And then again, simple things sometimes turn into a few minutes of joy here

>and there. God, I live for those moments. I just feel powerless to create

>them.

>

>

>

>So. your blog disturbs me. Because its real. Because you’re probably being

>honest when you write it. Because you don’t give a flying fuck who reads

>it, or why. Living in the cage of my mind, its incomprehensible that

>someone could just write like they mean it, and be working on themselves as

>they go along. Stop writing it – it shows me my own flaws, my own

>shortcomings, like a funhouse mirror. Please don’t stop – even fucked up,

>its good to see a little glimpse of myself in someone else. Feels a little

>less lonely that way.

>

>

>

>That’s all. The compliment here is that in today’s world – in my world –

>there’s so little honesty, so little true friendship, so little compassion

>for another that it makes me sick. So I come to your blog to feel those

>things. Sick, and therapeutic at the same time. Thanks for having a brass

>set of balls, and not minding having them polished by a bunch of people like

>me that lost theirs a long time ago.

>

>

>

>Anonymous – sort of.

>

>

>

The Causes of failure

The habit of proposing to do many things and never achieving any for example, is highly pernicious because in order to attain mastery and power over outside events, it is first necessary to keep one’s word, to fulfill and put into practice one’s own decisions. One who practices this precept methodically and patiently will find that his mastery over the forces of Nature increases daily until he is able to fulfill all that he promises to do.

Assignment Raymi – The reactions



Hiya Raymi!

Some students are willing to allow you to see their responses some are

not. All expressed some concern for how it would be used. I also

have some issues — I am somehow responsible for both the assignment

and what happens to it. They did do some wonderful things and enjoyed

the fact that Raymi began to look at them as they looked at her (the

posting of the assignment). One student has responses about you from

their mother, Grandfather, older graduate friend and a contemporary

student friend, in addition to their own response. One entitled his

assignment “raymithemystery.com” There are people from many

different countries who looked at your site. Others want to do it now

because you are aware of our gaze. BUT — In the end, they only

checked you out because I asked them to — and I would not want them

damaged in any way because of my actions. Does this make sense Raymi?

I am only a TA but I feel I inherited 42 young adults (most in their

first year of Uni) in September. There is responsibility in

education, I am responsible for so many things. I showed them the

“chickens” clip from the movie “Baraka” last night and couldn’t sleep

because I was afraid that it might have been too disturbing — even

though this is what I do! I send them to a cold, dark place and ask

them to give me a weather report. But I still feel like I am stealing

innocence sometimes. And I am still waiting for mine to grow back.

Please write me back…let me know what you think.

i am just as concerned as you ie people’s reactions and opinions and

meanness, judging – i put myself out there and i do not lie and i am

caring and opinionated and if someone is going to say a bunch of

negative shit about me/my life/my family i will react to them reacting

to me – the way i see it, if u are going to attack someone, u have

every right to, however, u have to tell me about your life’s pain/s

failures fuck ups and then i get the chance to attack you then, no?

so she showed up after we had been discussing her a little while and she was valiumed-up and boozed to the tits and she whipped out her new sample package of effexor and i tried to tell her about social anxiety and how valium is not a solution at all and the walk-in clinic lady who gave it to her should be fired

i could have said anything to her, anything at all, and she wouldn’t hear it/comprehend, nothing, i was losing my patience so i said look i am giving you advice here and i am telling you to at least cut your drinking IN HALF at least STOP VALIUM and then take that effexor crap because none of it will take affect if you are on all these other things and adan piped in and said raymi is a very good friend of mine she knows what she is talking about but all she could think about was why adan was ignoring her and i was right in the middle of it all and i was thinking about my get-away

so she followed me to the bathroom to talk about adan and i was thinking oh boy this is one big giant mess that i do not want to be a part of but my heart was bleeding for her ‘cos that is my nature

she is just 20 years old and she is a big bumbling mess

and then she started shoving me around in the bathroom to show that’s what friends do and that’s what she wanted adan to be like with her out in public and i felt really uncomfortable because i know that everyone is concerned for adan with this girl and she doesn’t have a clue and here she is shoving me drunkenly-jokingly

all i wanted to do was urinate and i was confronted with this drama and she wouldn’t shut up so she followed me up the stairs still shoving and i look at adan like i am SO out of here very soon, we need to talk, this is FUCKED and so she sees Brandy and we thought he had left already because he was mad about the business with adan and i say oh look there he is, GO TO HIM and she does

and i turn to adan and he motions not now ‘cos the cook guy from the other bar is there who is in love with this girl also so i put on my jacket and am all later doooooods, good luck with all this and adan comes out for a goodbye smoke and i say dude, no more mixed signals, it’s at that point now, don’t take her home because you are both horny lonelies, she’s making you look bad all over town and you know this, now’s the time before it gets worse, tra la la

and then anj showed up and said nice things about my blog and i said that fil put a strike through her link and she went oooooooooooooooh like the boogey-man and i told her that her hair was nice and i liked her jacket and blayne offered us weed and i said no i don’t smoke anymore and then i turned into pixie-dust and sprinkled myself off into the nite.