last nite was the last pub nite ‘cos it’s been sold ‘cos it’s been losing money so now it will most likely turn into plastic food and beer with a silver table top bar in the middle of the room and when they take the wallpaper down, all of the drywall will come down with it.
some of the photographs are listed on ebay and going for thousands.
i felt like being a stealer, well, everybody did, but everything was screwed to the walls and we have enough junk anyway and not like a framed black and white photo of the queen of england is going to enhance my life in any shape or form.
and now i am going to talk about fat and lazy.
i am not as skeletor as i was during the summer and this is because of the weather and for some reason my metabolism slows down and everything i eat turns to fat and stays on my body ’til maybe spring when i get psycho over starving myself and drinking water and longboarding my face off and tanning just to wear a bikini top and hoard it over everybody else for a little while, how dumb is that.
and as much as all i am talking about these days is nothing more than i am fat my thighs are huge-ungous ew gross my arms look at my chin in that photo…
this time around, i don’t care about it as much.
like i care et all but it’s more of a I AM FAT RIGHT NOW BLARAHAHAH type thing like i am riki lake even though i am only 5-7 lbs more than before.
women are FUCKED like that.
no matter how cool you think your girlfriend is and comfortable in her own skin and all those dumb lies you think about her in the beginning stages of your relationship, it will turn into her being a crazy skinny obsess monster and she will spend her days and nites plotting on how to be a skinnier version of herself but then maybe not actually doing anything about it until she is planning to dump your ass and move on with her life as a skinny and then you have to sit around saying why me forever and ever and so what, she is with somebody else but she is just gonna turn all fat again with them and if she actually wants to stay with the dude then she has to be drowning in her fat-insecurities all over again and stay skinny just to keep the guy.
at least i am smiling more though in my head i am thinking I AM SO FAT RIGHT NOW.
pssssssssh.
oh and ps.
skinny people are not even happy then they are like excuse me i am skinny right now and nobody cares hello skinny over here!
AND they are bitchy because they don’t eat carbs and they go psycho and when i say they i mean ‘i’
so i’m gonna be on the orgasm show and fil is gonna be on a separate taping the following week where they discuss positions.
i guess the chick saw that i would be holding back information if fil and i were on the same episode, out of respect and awkwardness?
during the audition once she flipped on the camera and said ok lots of energy, be anecdotal, my mind went blank and it was like my sexual past was non-existent, like i was a flippin’ nun so in my mind i sounded like i was listing off everything i might know about sex like i had read it off some website.
it was the room and the lighting and the sobriety i blame it on that.
you are allowed to say cock and the f word i was amazed.
A M A Z E D by that and began to speak like napoleon dynamite.
so we watched the show last nite to do our research and everyone on it was lame and it’s pretty much a show for yuppies and we aren’t even allowed to wear stripes or the color black and they are drinking martinis, the women, and the men get to drink beer and they probably won’t let me drink beer because i’ll ruin the ladylikeness allusion but still i’ll demand beer anyway or wine.
and i’ll probably come across as a bitchy know-it-all, well, i hope that i do.
like, BOOORING sisters, i did that 5 YEARS ago HELLLOOOOOO!
i am not going to plug my site and they don’t even use the panelist’s names so whatevs.
the form we had to fill out was funny.
there was a do you have anything extra you would like to add/tell us?
i wait ’til no one is milling around the kitchen and then i go into the whatever container of chicken and take off all the skin and eat the hell out of it and then i put the chicken breasts back in the container with no skin leftover and put it back in the fridge
though if i am feeling generous i will leave tiny skin fragments sometimes
chicken meat is boooooring
if i am eating the skin off of a drumstick i make a special allowance and eat the drumstick ‘cos not eating it is just plain rude
and when i am eating the skin
but only if it is the crunchy fried skin
i think about the three amigos the movie
when they are eating bats over the fire in the desert and they sound all crispy and crunchy
and so when i eat chicken skin i pretend i am eating fried bat wings
and then i think about the He-man movie that came out to rental when i was 4 or something and they are in america somewhere and they get a bucket of chicken and the one girl cannot believe that humans eat chickens, like, animals
she just couldn’t get over it
and because i was 4 years old roughly i put eight and five together in my head and realised hey IT IS POSSIBLE that i have eaten a CHICKEN
fantastic
so the next day at dinner i asked my family if it was true that we eat animals and because we were eating meat at the time they lied to me and said no
so i pressed
and demanded to know immediately where meat came from
was it grown did they make it from stuff how did they make it then why are there so many different kinds of it
it was a very ward moment
so in any case they shut me up and i believed for a little while that meat did not in fact come from animals until grade one or two when we learned about food groups
and then i have to admit
i was really PISSED OFF
and thus concludes my chicken skin manifesto the first
oh and i use to ask for more weeds which meant beans, as in string beans
it’s been awhile since i have written about sexy things.
i don’t know if sex is even interesting anymore. to read about. to write about. to even think about. it’s like, yawn unless you can think of funny things to go along with it, you know?
or go deep and look at the whole thing like it’s big and interesting or something.
i guess this is how hookers feel, or ex-hookers, or nymphs.
anyway.
apparently bipolars are horny fuckheads. i guess i could use that as an excuse.
more of a cop-out i think.
drinking coffee makes me horny.
the caffeine and the sugar goes right to my clitoris it’s crazzy.
one beer does it to me as well.
panty removing beverages, pretty much.
though, not like i scream out the window EXCUSE ME PEDESTRIANS, I’M READY TO BE FUCKED NOW JUST LETTING YOU KNOW!
i kinda politely pull down my trousers and go to town on myself and if the mister is there he is like uhhhh huh huhuhuhuh (horny noises) ok let’s do this.
so the lady in the apartment next door can hear everything all the time as i’ve mentioned before and she is always there and it’s always in the back of my mind and well, it doesn’t spoil it really, it’s just this thing that i am aware of and i think well maybe i should shut my mouth up, tone it down perhaps?
but then i’m like, F her!
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOW unng ungh and so on etc.
sometimes we think we can hear her, uh, doing things, but then there’ll be some weird random i-don’t-know-what noises coming from there and we pause in the hallway to try and figure them out and it’s like she is doing construction work or something in there on herself and rearranging furniture at the same time and moaning.
weird.
i wouldn’t mind living beside me and listening to all of the dumb things that i say.
it beats having to be me.
i would bump into myself once in awhile and congratulate the next-door-neighbour-me for that one knock knock joke from a week ago and then me would give me a look that meant, why are you listening in on my life but also me would be flattered in a major way.
so, don’t get any three-way ideas with this neighbour female because she is:
1. old
2. not hot
3. gross like
4. truck driver gross
5. also bragged about being racist and said she hated fags though i know it was just to make conversation but still, it wasn’t something to be impressed by at all.
6. plus she’s a pothead and i have prejudice against that because i have nothing better to do
