ok that’s me. what a doink. ten seconds before dying my hair platinum. well, trying to anyway. i still haven’t returned the box of dye to the drugstore because i am too embarassed but moreso i want to keep it as/for a reminder to me to dissuade all future compulsions of dying hair out of boredom. next time hopefully i will read a book.
that’s a lie.
obviously i intend on dying my hair myself a.g.a.i.n.
too bad my eyes aren’t symmetrical in that picture.
brooke and jamie are leaving in a few minutes i guess from nyc to come here! this means i get to postpone sobriety for a few more days.
i hope they bring me something american, like, a flag?
they prolly won’t though jamie will have his ipod FM transmittor that fil can gay over.
i think we’ll take jamie to the rom. it’s his first time to the actual city of toronto. last two times he came it was boring suburbia and golden griddle. other blogoids tell me cool indie crap that i don’t know about yet that’s going on from now ’til friday.
me and cousin alex hung out yesterday at the mall and then went tanning and i had to buy my own fucking goggles so now i have these crazy little weird purple goggle things in my purse to laugh at. they’re the kind that don’t have the nose rest or elastics so when you are lying down in there you can’t be hyper ‘cos the things will fall off and you’ll get eye cancer so you have to basically, enjoy the whole experience and listen to dance muzak until you fall asleep or are finished masturbating.
so at the mall i bought a bunch of crap for myself and the new coupland book with the other half of the bookstore gift certificate and so now i have a dollar and 48 cents to burn sometime or other when i think of a book that i want which i won’t because i am convinced there will be no new books of any interest out anytime soon.
so we went to this junior girl store ‘cos everything is 50 per cent off the last ticketed price and at the adult version store nothing was 50 per cent off so i looked at everything i could see myself wearing or that could possibly fit me so i bought double extra large sweaters and the two snobby i hate my job i hate my life sales girls who worked there made zero effort to be nice to us, kiss our asses, in fact, they went out of their way to ignore us so of course this was their way of telling me to be big time obnoxious and irritating.
i understand that you are working in retail because you are killing time at school possibly and waiting for a cubicle job or something and that mall jobs suck and people are annoying but you know what, if that’s your fucking job to talk to me and tell me that something looks good on me even if it doesn’t, then fucking do it.
and i know i can be intimidating and abrasive-looking because i have the this is bullshit air about me et all, still, if i am going to go out of my way to be nice to you, and not even fake nice, real genuine nice, and i am not even being paid for it, you should be nice back, moron.
and yes i factored in the possible reason of rudeness being ‘cos i am obviously not a junior girl shopping in a junior girl store for myself and not for my junior girl daughter who is the same size as me but so what, i’m a bloody consumer and no one else was in the store. nobody. l;ishg;reihg;reoighre;lkghfdsgkdfhxvldfsh’.
so mad.
for example, some old guy budded in front of me the other day whilst out getting coffee and i didn’t do anything about it. i didn’t roll my eyes. i didn’t go excuuuuuuuse me old man what the fuck do you think you are doing? i didn’t shove him or scream. i merely looked around to see if anyone else had noticed and nobody did or cared so this told me, let it go, and so i did and then i told aimee about it and she was like good for you.
still, dude was rude and he’ll bud in front of someone else some other day and then there will be an incident but who cares.
i decided to be nice.
when i worked retail ie, with people, i loved talking to them and trying to make them smile or life easier, that’s my nature, so when i see other people being cunts about it, in anything that they do, bad day or not, suck it up and be nice.
learn to connect with people. learn how to be real. don’t be intimidated.
right now i drink a lot. everyday. nite i mean. it started around july when i quit smoking weed because of the panic attacks and whatnot. anyway. i drink a lot ‘cos there is nothing else to do here. this town reminds me of rockland, maine and living there in the wintertime. we drank pretty much every nite there. we didn’t have any friends there and the only reason it happened was because his dad died in that house and he was the only one out of his siblings not married with kids so he got to live there and i got to live there to keep him company and escape my canadian life and avoid going to college.
i was an 18 year old housewife and when you’re 18 and not living in your own country and you drink all of the time, you are not a drunk – that’s simply your temporary life style.
it lasted three months.
i couldn’t tolerate the isolation and the meanness from someone ten years older and miserable and taking it out on me and one day when he was getting up and ready to go out and leave me stranded in that house again, i snapped.
i bawled and wailed and slammed the bathroom medicine cabinet to make sure he could hear me and he came upstairs and said this isn’t working out, is it?
so i flew back to canada 2 weeks after that on my 19th birthday.
my dad picked me up from the airport and we drove to the pub below the apartment he was living in at the time and on the way there i told him i was gonna go back to the hardware store for a few months then move out to toronto and bla bla he’s like sure and then i did move to toronto.
anyway.
i’m now not living in toronto anymore and i now live in my grandma’s house but she doesn’t live here and she’s not dead and anyway i am never here anyhow and i’m moving back to toronto again in a couple months and then i will write all about this town like i am many many moons away from it and hopefully i can remember things still you know, cute insightful little things rather than details about barflies that make me and you sad but still interested.
head ache.
MID-TWENTIES BREAKDOWN:
a period of mental collapse occurring in one’s twenties, often caused by an inability to function outside of school or structured environments coupled with a realization of one’s essential aloneness in the world. Often marks induction into the ritual of pharmaceutical usage.
EMOTIONAL KETCHUP BURST:
the bottling up of opinions and emotions inside oneself so that they explosively burst forth all at once, shocking and confusing employers and friends–most of whom thought things were fine.
SUCCESSOPHOBIA:
the fear that if one is successful, then one’s personal needs will be forgotten and one will no longer have one’s childish needs catered to.
ANTI-SABBATICAL:
a job taken with the sole intention of staying only for a limited period of time (often one year). the intention is usually to raise enough funds to partake in another, more personally meaningful activity such as watercolor sketching in Crete or designing computer knit sweaters in Hong Kong. employers are rarely informed of intentions.
NOW DENIAL:
to tell oneself that the only time worth living in is the past and that the only time that may ever be interesting again is the future.
BAMBIFICATION:
the mental conversion of flesh and blood living creatures into cartoon characters possessing bourgeois Judeo-Christian attitudes and morals.
DISEASES FOR KISSES (HYPERKARMA):
a deeply rooted belief that punishment will somehow always be far greater than the crime: ozone holes for littering.
SPECTACULARISM:
a fascination with extreme situations.
STATUS SUBSTITUTION:
using an object with intellectual or fashionable cachet to substitute for an object that is merely pricey: “Brian, you left your copy of Camus in your brother’s BMW.”
SURVIVULOUSNESS:
the tendency to visualize oneself enjoying being the last remaining person on earth. “I’d take a helicopter up and throw microwave ovens down on the Taco Bell.”
CULT OF ALONENESS:
the need for autonomy at all costs, usually at the expense of long-term relationships. often brought about by overly high expectations of others.
CELEBRITY SCHADENFREUDE:
lurid thrills derived from talking about celebrity deaths.
POOR BUOYANCY:
the realization that one was a better person when one had less money.
101-ISM:
the tendency to pick apart, often in minute detail, all aspects of life using half-understood pop psychology as a tool.
YUPPIE WANNABE’S:
an X generation subgroup that believes the myth of a yuppie life-style being both satisfying and viable. tend to be highly in debt, involved in some form of substance abuse, and show a willingness to talk about Armageddon after three drinks.
ULTRA SHORT TERM NOSTALGIA:
homesickness for the extremely recent past: “God, things seemed so much better in the world last week.”
CAFE MINIMALISM:
to espouse a philosophy of minimalism without actually putting into practise any of its tenets.
AIR FAMILY:
describes the false sense of community experienced among coworkers in an office environment.
OCCUPATIONAL SLUMMING:
taking a job well beneath one’s skill or education level as a means of retreat from adult responsibilities and/or avoiding possible failure in one’s true occupation.
BRADYISM:
a multisibling sensibility derived from having grown up in large families. a rarity in those born after approximately 1965, symptoms of Bradyism include a facility for mind games, emotional withdrawal in situations of overcrowding, and a deeply felt need for a well-defined personal space.
STRANGELOVE REPRODUCTION:
having children to make up for the fact that one no longer believes in the future.
SQUIRES:
the most common X generation subgroup and the only subgroup given to breeding. Squires exist almost exclusively in couples and are recognizable by their frantic attempts to recreate a semblance of Eisenhower-era plenitude in their daily lives in the face of exorbitant housing prices and two-job life-styles. Squires tend to be continually exhausted from their voraciously acquisitive pursuit of furniture and knickknacks.
POVERTY LURKS:
financial paranoia instilled in offspring by depression-era parents.
OPTION PARALYSIS:
the tendency, when given unlimited choices, to make none.
DOWN-NESTING:
the tendency of parents to move to smaller, guest-room-free houses after the children have moved away so as to avoid children aged 20 to 30 who have boomeranged home.
taken from generation x, douglas coupland.
i caught fil’s cold.
i wish i had my copy of napoleon dynamite back from my brother i am so utterly lost without it. modest mouse was on saturday nite live last nite and it was a repeat. i’m trying to remember something funny.
i just sneezed and i feel like i am tripping out.
we discussed me being a professional stand up comedian like the next margaret cho and fil said what you want to be a not funny lesbo who screams and i said that’s basically what i am already doing except i am not asian. i may as well stand up and complain about stuff with a microphone and more of an audience, right?
but then i thought, maybe i’m not funny, i think i’ve plateau’d.
i’m having a pre mid-twenties breakdown i think. i have one at least once a day.
this oldschool batman cartoon was on tv last nite too though it wasn’t strictly batman, wonderwoman was in and other characters i forget the names of and it was the funniest crap ever because the one-liners were something what arnold swarzenwhatever would say and it was like the cartoons they make for saturday nite live, the superhero lameness.
i’m afraid i have used up all insightful commentary for today’s posts so i am going to brush my teeth and try to be witty in real life now.
