poketo wallets – fil got me this one by miki amano, it is out of print. i want my art to be on a poketo too. you can pick one up at magic pony obvs.

clearly my mom is a headcase and now here is her brother my uncle mike and some dominican sluts. check her post for his little anecdote, he’s heavy into fishing culture.

WHAT’S THE LONGEST YOU’VE SPENT FIGHTING A SALMON?

ahahhahaha.

when my uncle mike gets into something he goes all the way collecting hockey cards for example and then after the stanley cup game he will drive to the winning city with all his rookie cards, sell them and make huge money. he also metal-detects, yes, he has maybe four metal-detectors and a whole room in his house devoted to all his precious finds – rings, necklaces, antiques. when we were kids i remember hanging out with him helping him dig for whatever the detector detected and unearthing a measly pop can tab, at the time i didn’t realise he was just using me for grunt-work. then he felt bad and spun my brother and i on the merry go round but got us to lie flat on our backs and i almost flew off into a tree cos i was a little pipsqueak. mike is missing a few key brain cells i think. he is really into wearing those cheesy oakley shades and splash pants he basically dresses like heaven’s gate – splash pants, track pants and nikes.

he’s like the epitome of manic and the absolute height of eccentric and is very sensitive too. my mom beat up neighbourhood kids for him cos he was a wuss, they use to steal his gi-joes. in montreal he made my mom sing the theme for mission impossible while he scaled the side of the house and climbed it. he also shot sticky darts at my nana’s glasses during an afternoon lady tea party from the top stairs and two of them stuck to her glasses.

one christmas he glued tweny-five dollars in quarters to a silver spray-painted box for me and was hurt when i was all what the fuck? but i kept them anyway and bought a hole EP from sunrise records the day after boxing day and the quarters had glue and paint all over them.

on may two-four we would go to bobcaygeon and he would force me shawn and cousin jeremy into a boat at 11:30 at nite “when the fish are out” and we would wear layers and layers of sweaters and jackets and we would sit for hours in a fucking boat trolling for pickerel and this one weeked i was the only fucking one who caught a fish, the only girl and he even made a huge stink about me coming out anyway shawn and jeremy were all fuck this when they got back to land and went in so it was just me and mike and the fish – i killed and gutted it and held its beating heart on my finger after it was out of its body.

years later at my mom’s surprise 40th birthday party my mom is telling this story in the kitchen and mike’s wife goes HEY mike said he caught that fish he gave it to my dad! and then my mom pulls mike into the kitchen and publicly calls him out on his lie and he gets all embarrassed and starts biting his nails, stammering, saying uh uh i actually do not recall WHO exactly caught that fish.

lucky for him i was out at the park smoking hash at the time.

anyway mike rules more on him later. here is my mom’s take on him. there’s also a picture of his boat.

i may as well live-blog my television watching experience – i just tried watching regis and kelly and now feel 30% dumber oh but wait rachael ray is on! super NOT fun. john stamos was just on with her talking about gyros/pitas and he made a gyros joke and she didn’t get that it was a joke and talked over him I HATE HER how dare you do that to john stamos! no i am not eating bon-bons i am painting drawing and having tv time with cid. i seriously feel less smart though, talk shows are so dippy why is there a need for blow dryer boot camp? do women live in caves now? this woman is trying to figure out how to dry her frizzy hair and rachael ray is talking over the blow dry teacher holy why don’t you shut up? what’s next a lesson in band-aid application? i fucking learned how to blow-dry in the womb.

haha rachael just said “forget it i am out of the loop” out of context then when the audience gave her a pity laugh she SAID IT AGAIN!

that busted camera is mocking me.

when i wake up early i sit here and wear myself out on the www until i can’t keep my eyes open anymore then i get up and make espresso i see how long i can go before i have a complete physical collapse.

sometimes there just aren’t enough blogs to stalk.

i am in an explosive bad mood i think i pretty much flopped the audition last nite though i can still be a no-talking burlesque dancer which i am thinking maybe i don’t want to do it anymore cos my time is super valuable though fil just guilted me back into doing it and i busted fil’s camera i should have just stayed in bed then the camera would be fine. it fell off the table and the lense was open all the way nothing popped or shattered it just won’t shut is there a toronto camera doctor? if not it’s time for a new one. HUGE BAD MOOD HUUUGE! i also had the craziest longest shittiest dream where some girl was kissing fil and hugging him in front of me and he was all cool about it so i slapped her strangled her punched her in the face multiple times then came to and apologized profusely and even fil was like what is wrong with you and she told all my friends and they were very disgusted with me and then the rest of the dream’s theme was centred around how much of a fucking loser i am basically then i open this email this morning FOR REAL:

Hi Raymi,

I’m still reading your blog and enjoying it. Just thought you would think this was funny….I dreamt that Phil and I kissed last night and it was the best kiss that I have ever had. My subconscious must have kept an imprint of how hot I think Phil is from photos i’ve seen on your blog. I wish someone would kiss me like that in real life, it was awesome. He! Goodluck with the audition. You will blitz it no doubt. All the best, Karen in Oz x
psa give Phil a big smooch from me:)

PEEP HOW NONCHALANT SHE IS!

i told her i would stab her.

it’s ok she wrote back and apologized but not for kissing fil in her dream or being in my dream either though i don’t know what she really looks like.

what i don’t get is why in my dream was I apologizing for her kissing fil yeah i get it i punchisized her face but isn’t messing with man a ticket to fuck my shitupsville? stupid dream.

oh and then i was playing with bats and locusts and ping pong with an ex-boyfriend and driving a race car in the 1920s on a sidewalk.

stay tuned for a story about the most annoying chick EVER from the bar last nite.

oh nice i might be getting a speaking role in this movie now i would be a burlesque dancer that goes home with one of the dudes and i am topless and it’s sort of a funny role, sweet. i’m going to audition for it tonite.

can’t eat it but one can dream

yes i am a huge asshole for doing that and i should burn in hell.

WHY SINGLE HORNY BITCHES HAVE BEEN FLYING TO LONDON

TELLY SAVALAS BACK IN REHAB

me: i need to get something to wear to yer work thing
fuck
last year i looked like a potato this year i have to look slammin

me: well are you or aren’t you
your wants wont help me not look like a potato

hey gang on thursday i am going to be a burlesque dancer in a canadian feature film called hank and mike i think it will be in the film festival in 2008 sometime and then after that who knows. initially i was maybe suppose to be a nude model in this scene with the dude who does the voice of fat tony for the simpsons (joe mantegna) but i wasn’t “fat enough” or “reubenesque enough” can you believe it? i am sort of dreading the shoot cos i am pasty and i don’t have shoes and i don’t have a robe. i have to get one. it’s too late to go tanning cos i will most definitely fuck it up and have lobster ass.