i put this image on a bunch of cafepress merch for anyone who cares.
hi raymi,
It’s me Jimi I’m a fan of yours and I drew that picture that’s on your boxers and dog shirt. Attached is a new drawing I did of you for you. If you can post these steps on your site somehow without feeling lame and I win the contest I promise to buy a bunch of things from you.
Step 3: Keep clicking “next video” until you get to one called “ingbeat” from: karaokespecial
Step 4. Click on the “thumbs up” button (looks like a hand giving the thumbs up)
Step 5: click on “next video”
I feel like I’m blackmailing you or something but I’m just broke and if I win I’ll have money to buy your merchandise. I would be forever greatful, thanks raymi keep up the blogging i like it.
Jimi
i’m only doing this because jimi is funny and talented.
ok so here’s a tale i’ve been threatening to share on this crap-o-blog awhile now, fil pointed out last nite that my memory ain’t as hot as it used to be, short-term wise i agree, longterm, nice try.
this story i title MY FIRST DAY IN ENGLAND DISASTER.
just thinking about this fucking day exhausts me.
ok so i go to england for the summer of 2000, i’m 17 and i’m signed up for this OAC (grade 13) writer’s craft exchange program which i’ll receive a highschool credit for. prior to this i don’t know anyone in the course, obviously. so we land at gatwick and discover that the coach bus company to take us into london went bankrupt the night before so there is a mad scramble to fit as many people into taxis as possible with our luggage on our laps, i had to sit on a (stranger) girl’s lap in the back with my huge suitcase on my lap for the long commute, and we have no idea where we are going either, we’ve all got xeroxed maps and lists but it is of no help cos no one can remember where we’ve been told to be dropped off other than imperial college, not the campus, or dorms, no specifics and the cabbie is asking us over and over about it I DON’T KNOW WE JUST CAME OFF AN 8 HOUR FLIGHT NO IDEA DUDE!
so we are deposited near the back of one of the cafeteria buildings, and it’s coldish, about ready to sprinkle rain, we all take turns having mini freak-outs, we are alone and feel like we should just sit tight, the other half decide lets meander around, fine fine finally a car scoots up and a dude gets out (teacher?) and says this way so we follow him to a crowd a few streets over and now there is a lady with a list of our names for rooms, when it is my turn i go up and say WHITE, LAUREN and LAUREN WHITE she looks it all over newp no your name isn’t here you must be staying in the other dorm on montpelier go follow those people so i do and by now i’m making chums with these two chicks from hamilton and i’m optimistic about staying in the same dorm as them, the one we had just left was really tall and drab and apartment block-looking, pass.
so we walk along some cobblestone little maze-like quaint streets (we’re in knightsbridge london btw) all very nice and pretty and then the sun pops out a sign a sign i’m thinking we get to this totally charming smaller residence, kind of victorian old world posh looking and clamber up the stairs inside asking what rooms are left running up the stairs to claim what’s left i find a room with a window overlooking a tiny courtyard garden, gothic-looking brickwork all about, i love it then i notice there are some personal effects in this room oh shit taken a girl comes in and says she’s switching rooms for the one next door i can have this one later, i pop my head around the corner and see the room she wants that this other girl is ditching for a hotel room, this room is rad and it has a balcony fire-escape, primo for sneaking out at nite, i want that room and i realise that i know the girl kinda so i say can i have this room instead you aren’t even unpacked just let me have it i’ve been wandering around london the last hour i NEED to collapse she’s like alright fine (meanwhile she has promised the room to THREE girls for some stupid reason) so hamilton girls are like lauren come on lets go exploring now, one wants to call her mom and have a nervous breakdown and apparently they need me for that cos we’re mates now right?
i say girls i NEED to get a room you have one i don’t and i notice all of a sudden these two girls on the floor with rooms have all of a sudden made up their minds that i am NOT getting one of these rooms and i am about to flip my fucking lid then i fly down the stairs and have a meltdown in front of everyone in the foyer, it was really beautiful, and mr. black (teacher dude who ended up living above my apartment on crawford two years later, funny coincidence) is like ok sit down what’s wrong and i just explode into a bunch of crazy sentences, swear words, and now i am crying DORM ROOM 8 HOUR FLIGHT BANKRUPT TIRED SUITCASE BITCH GIRLS UPSTAIRS etc etc. he gets a list and says your name isn’t on this list you’re not staying here you are staying at the other dorm then i lose it again I JUST WALKED ALL THE WAY HERE FROM THERE COS I WASN’T ON THAT LIST EITHER! so he says ok don’t worry go into my room get a towel put hot water on it relax we will sort this out for you i’m thinking i like all this attention i have never had a freak-out like this in front of strangers before remember this for later so one hamilton friend says lauren put your suitcase in my room for now lets go out to use the phone, they’ll have a room for you when we get back later on.
turns out my cry attack has inspired these chicks to have one of their own, so one calls her mom and lets loose and by now i’ve composed myself, i’m chilled out and looking all around at the street and scene and i am digging it then a sense of foreboding dread comes over me when i realize i am the ringleader to these homesick babies who are happy that they have discovered a new baby for their duo, wrong, i am not a baby, i just wanted a room so that i could boogey on the town and get wasted and disappear. the one on the phone to her mother is even talking about me too no this is wrong stop it! she’s blubbering hysterically and the other girl is hugging her and sobbing as well, it’s all really pathetic she’s saying AND gasp OUR gasp NEW gasp FRIEND gasp DOESN’TEVENHAVEAROOMIHATEITHERE gasp IWANTTOCOMEHOMERIGHTNOW exactly like that.
anyway eventually it all calms down us crowding around this phone booth in front of the dorm i say ok lets go drinking, so we do until curfew, 11, i go up the stairs to the room i am told will be empty by the time i get back, nope, there’s a girl COMPLETELY UNPACKED in it i just leave my suitcase on the floor in the hall and put my hands in the air and stalk off to find a teacher and patiently explain that I DO NOT HAVE A ROOM this is a different teacher too in her nightgown acting really annoyed by me, she gets this big dude the boss of the whole program and he says ok there is one empty room i think over here right next door to the one i left my suitcase in front of, i take it sit down collapse zzz, but not before he says i’ll have to pay for it and i say yeah yeah fine fine i’m fucking BONKERS TIRED and just letting him take advantage of my desperate state (asshole!).
next day this guy approaches me and says you owe us 30 pounds cos this girl left to get a hotel to give YOU a room like this whole thing is my fault i say how is it that i have to pay 30 pounds on top of the thousands of dollars i and my family have paid for this entire program because my name wasn’t on either of your room lists, how is this MY fault? he says ok ok just give me 30 pounds and you’ll get it back at the end of the trip, i wanted him to just go away so i said fine, i gave it to him.
i never got it back.
don’t worry i made up for it in other ways here and there.
that was my first day in england.
this story brings up so many hateful memories i have had half of this post as a draft for the last month.
no i don’t go out dressed like this, i just wear this outfit around the apartment then post pictures of it up on the internet for more people to see. makes sense?
if you haven’t casted your vote yet please go do that!
sober nite day two has been a wild success, i know for you squares reading this you’re like pfffft but you know we have literally not had one sober nite since early december, early as december first even maybe? there were several days scattered in there where it was maybe a tiny glass of wine or a brew, but still it counts, anyway, i plan to be rail thin come summer time, i guess i should give more of a shit about my health as well. funny how drying out thrusts me into a state of sobriety fantasia, what do you do when you aren’t drinking, writing about drinking, watching movies while drinking, being drunk?
basically drinking an entire 2L bottle of gingerale on the couch with fil, eating doritos, guzzling peach ice tea, watching i now pronounce you chuck & larry (WORSTMOVIEEVER) and hot rod (v good v funny).
when i was in the cuckoo ward this old alcy put mrs. dash into a gallon jug of water for flavour and sat in the caf all goddamn day drinking it, i figure i don’t want to end up like that.
fil and i are going to be playing dodge ball on saturday afternoon not to make you jealous or anything, read:
you have been selected to kick ass with the team Mr. Dodgers Neighbourhoood!
Our uniforms consists of dress shirts (short sleeve if possible ( it gets hot)), tie, a cardigan, shorts, knee-high socks and of course runners. Check out a pic of mr. rogers and that is what we’re going for. Dodgeball is awesome, but can get quite hot so we’ll probably lose the cardigans while playing but it would be nice to start in them.
if you want to tag along to take pictures of us email me, fil will be too busy to do so, he’s a bit nervous cos he can’t aim. pester him in his blog comments to tell you about the time he put a fishing lure through his cousin’s face and also the time when his friend threw a lawn dart into fil’s head.
last friday’s dinner at the beav.
they were out of the lettuce they normally use, arugula, and they also forgot the reggiano which i didn’t notice ’til i was on the last bite oh well.
radmad was crushing hard on those cue balls over by my paintings.
and now i am starving, prosciutto salad concoction for dinner tonite kids!
ps. my new nail polish is a big success with this guy it’s like the colour of a my little pony and makes me think of cupcakes.
holy shit check this one out ps. new my little pony background to come sorry!
hi raymi long time blog reader, fist time writer drunk after watching tenenbaum’s on your recommendation
not the first time i have watched it
wanted to share with you my tears. you said you cried and you said you felt heartsick you weren’t in it. this is a pointless email because all i want to say is how much i loved the film. i cried and cried especially at the end. i found baldwin’s narrator so especially emotional. what an incredible film. i was awestruck that owen had contributed to writing the film. this is so silly me writing this and if i wasn’t drunk i would surely delete it but let me say this
i love your blog. i love about it (three things because i used to play a 3 things positive game with a lovely girl)
1. it’s so honest, that may or may not be a confabulation/deliberate construction but i don’t care (if it is a construction then of course you are a genius and as gwyneth say’s such words are not used lightly) 2. got me listening to bjork after your isobel piece when you were singing whilst doing your hair 3. food pornography, music pornography (amp in your recent piece where you are posing a recent example) and your own sweet pornography (sweet in a nice way i think) but also i sort of thinkk you and px are lovely and also i guess i associate with it and your life a it i guess
actually i hate that list but it will have to do, i have vampired your blog for so long without giving anything back.
raymi, i have never voted before, but hopefully, sober tomorrow, i will vote. i also loved your pieces of diary inclusion. especially when you were in england. i identify with your loss of the best towel ever and in my own mind miss it a bit. it is hard to let such losses go.
if i may go back to the royal tenenbaum’s, it’s richie who kills me, and as you loved gwyneth paltrow, i think i thought the same of ritchie. doesn’t he look fantastic as he cuts away. anyway you are over this i guess and i am lame but i am drunk and so fuck it. what a movie. major resonance for me is the father dislocated.
raymi, please keep up the good work and i imagine for everyone who bothers to give you the energy back there are a thousand or so workers who are happy to be observers. if i may appropriate your energies, in a way i think you do it for us.
love steve xxx000
p.s i have four copies of my home produced record “robot songs” left. can you give me a postal address so i can send you one. plus i attach here a tribute to the departed sleater kinney.
plus i want to send you a photo of my daughter. because you share so much.
+++
Two things
Raymi:
I have been thinking about you a lot lately, and thought I would say a couple of things.
First, congratulations on the art show. You deserved every piece of publicity you got, and everyone who bought a piece of art from you got lucky. The hose guy was my favourite, but someone beat me to the bid. I hope you keep making it.
Second, your writing has been killing me lately. It’s hilarious and brilliant. I write nothing like you, obviously, but I am taking a fiction writing workshop right now, and I cannot help but think of the way you write. I just love the way you describe things. It is a mixture of hilarity, profanity and randomness that I sometimes try to emulate, but at which I never really succeed.
i am in bed, we watched i know who killed me, please watch it at the same time as not watching it, if that’s possible, which it isn’t. this piece of work is so, i don’t even know what to say, picture me with both hands on my scalp tugging at my hair at like warp speed with my eyes bulging out of my face right now and my mouth opening and closing with no words coming out, fil wanted to know if the script was written by monkeys. i felt like shit all day and now i feel nauseous (hangover/bad dinner/bad movie to boot) so i don’t feel like typing out the entire plot because it is so ludicrously unbelievable but i fully intend to. how did i not notice lindsay lohan was missing a leg and a fucking arm in the doing it scene that i beat off to over the summer when it leaked on the internet?
fil and i keep imitating the best line in the movie WHO’S AUBREY? exactly how she says it too.
lindsay if you are reading this i still want to be friends, the offer will always be on the table.
it’s great also because you know during production she was a complete disrespectful, irresponsible, out of control shit.
when fil dropped me off at shoppers i noticed my fly was down, so that means when i got out of the bathroom at the doctor’s office it was down the entire time, and then i walked by the bad kids (sent to the dumb no future alternative school) in the parking lot playing hacky sack and it was down and then on the corner i almost got hit by a car cos this woman couldn’t decide if she was going to pass me (walking) on the right or left so we did the hokey pokey a couple times just seconds after i did up my fly.
an undone fly has the power to make you feel like such an incredible loser, i’m trying to think of an equivalent, tripping in front of strangers?
did i ever blog about the time i fell down the entire flight of stairs at erin mills town centre after the late movie showing of romeo and juliet and everyone was spilling out of the theatre into the empty mall when i was in grade seven and beginning my transformation into cool tweenager and one guy exploded into laughter and his mouth made the PUH sound and then everyone laughed and my friends didn’t even notice so i was all alone on an island of pure mortification?
i was walking all smug thinking in my head how everyone had to be checking me out because i was wearing high heel penny loafers (I KNOW!) and then i slipped and rolled all the way down the stairs with my left hand on the railing like i had those wheels in my shoes that all the kids have these days i wish i could go back in time and have my brother there with me cos his laughing at me would overpower everyone else and then we would be like a variety show together, if my mom were there i would have just run away and hid in one of those huge mall planters.
i just bought new lipstick that is probably a terrible shade for me, coral pinkish, and i bought new nail polish what is it with my affinity for uber tacky stripper nail polish i just can’t get it right. i didn’t want to try on the lipstick before i bought it just drew it on my hand and went yep this is it! the drugstore lady is such a vacuum cleaner salesman she is always trying to guilt me into buying extra things and telling me about promotions and other shit, she is at least really nice to me unlike all the other girls at the cosmetics booth who get insanely irritated when you go up to them to pay for your stuff there instead of at the regular check-out lane. one of these days i am going to say something i have so much saved up rage over these chicks, like sorry for interrupting your standing still meditation but i noticed you are actually at work right now not working could you quite possibly i dunno DO THAT and swipe this hair conditioner so i can get the hell out of here that would be really nice.
ps. tonite is so totally sober nite i have been suffering from the worst boomerang hangover all goddamn day.
pps. an adrenaline surge of rage just skyrocketed to my brain and private parts i just saw an ad for the fifth estate, a special on animal cruelty specifically circus animals, some guy whipping an elephant and another dude scrunching an ape’s face with his bare hand, i would totally murder someone if that happened anywhere close to me, i mean it, i would tackle and beat the shit out of them and slam their head into pavement i hope someone out there is doing it for me right now.
i just spent the last half hour being irritated out of my fucking mind by oprah and every guest on her show having to do with that juno movie.
i want to marinate in the tub but i am too lazy to even do that i don’t feel like dealing with wet hair today.
