this morning’s email brought to you by well, ugh, come up with your own LOLZ for her.
subject: really, i’m sorry
but the only reason you are ahead in the weblog 2008 awards right now is because YOU POSTED IT ON YOUR WEBSITE! so if you want to get angry and post the following in 2008, then go ahead:
“2006 best diarist
oh i won best diarist too everyone’s been nagging about it lately saying oh she only won cos dooce never mentioned the contest on her blog, and so what, did you guys win? no. were you even nominated? double no. so fuck off already.
i’m awesome.”
maybe it’s because you’re still quite young, but as someone who could ALMOST BE YOUR MOTHER (i’m 42, so actually, i could be) i have to tell you that if you win the 2008 awards for best diarist, well, you didn’t win honestly. if it weren’t for neil gaiman (see january 6 post here: http://journal.neilgaiman.com/), who ‘pimped himself out’, even though he didn’t need to, i wouldn’t have known about the awards. really think about this, lauren. i have been reading heather’s blog every day for four years. i have always found about about these awards after the fact, which is when she posts about it. if she posted the weblog awards on her page darlin’, you would not win. AND YOU KNOW THIS. it escapes me that you could think otherwise. where is your dignity? posting what you did in 2006 after winning . . . it only shows people how immature you are. be gracious, arrogance is not becoming.
and as far as i know, your blog hasn’t been featured in time magazine’s best 50 blogs. TIME MAGAZINE, lauren. please, correct me if i’m wrong. i’ve never read your blog, i’ve never heard of you before january 6. please don’t be so assuming about yourself.
-venusismycat
errrr ah, thanks for the insight?
you only know about dooce because she was notoriously fired for blogging and ever since has been milking the hell out of that ride (who wouldn’t) she’s a great writer but her subject matter is a snoozefest (IMO) and she is like the martha stewart of blogging, she’s MADE IT i GOT THAT you worshipping goon. what exactly are you trying to school me with? you pointed out what i said and then emailed me about it and who the fuck is neil gaiman? oh wait i think i’ve read a book of his. anyway, you’re mad lady and care WAY too much about all this. AND STOP CALLING ME LAUREN AND DOOCE HEATHER. you don’t know me or her, you’re mental! of course i’m going to post the awards on my website so that my readers can vote, they stick me in with dooce cos they know she won’t post about it so it gives the rest of us a chance. do i think i’m a better diarist than she is? yes. why? because i update far more frequently which i think plays a huge role when it comes to diarrheaing (which your email made me feel like doing instantly) and i am up against a key player here so i’m NOT going to post it? jesus woman get a life. you’ve never heard of me before cos you are part of the mommy blogger’s society, ignorant and redundant and irrelevant (but there’s more of you, following her, she certainly has the numbers and you know why? COS YOU ARE ALL STAY AT HOME MOMS ON THE INTERNET 24/7). did you know that there is an entire world wide web out there of thousands upon hundreds of thousands of different kinds of blogs aside from dooce and what time magazine lists or is even close to on the radar of?
i have been around long before dooce and i will be around long after too.
and as for dignity, well, that’s for ugly people. bye!
ikea salmon sandwich, impossible to eat, just mitted the salmon and globbed some philly cream cheese on top and stuffed it in my mouth in like four seconds, how delicate i am.
fil has a big one for the meatball special.
dropped in at lens factory to have a peekeroonie as one of the photogs fil is exhibiting with on wednesday has some stuff up here. mental note get to grapefruit moon next week stop dragging heels paint more shit ugh ughhh.
went with annoying hipster pajama print, feh. v close to getting this one. of course we forgot to bring the stupid shower rings that don’t fit our rod to return.
so lucky to snag this copy. pumped.
ok i’m going to wrastle the duvet cover on to the duvet now, vote for nana please!
oh and i bought you a present cos i know you’re lonely and nappy.
i really like this one though the white worries me but if that part is kept at the side fil sleeps on we’re good and someone just said it looks like cum, great, arty cum for one and all.
i showed this one to fil as a joke and he likes it a lot, ugh, mature much? i like it too but i think the novelty will wear off ridiculously quick.
this one is a cheapo, which makes me suspicious, also, too much white, i’m just concerned about stains showing. i really do want a big white duvet cover like meg ryan in you’ve got mail, ahhh, but seriously, not practical at all.
these stripes make me feel dizzy so i dunno, this one isn’t at the top of my list.
i like this print, it’s classical whimsy moves me but i dunno, too much red in the room might make me cuckoo.
kinda blah, but good blah i think, like a copy of the three little bears from the 80s drawn with water colours blah.
this one screams I’M A YUPPIE WITH PERSONALITY AND DEPTH FUCKING VALIDATE ME BLAAAAAGH! it reminds me of the santa clause, tim allen’s bed spread, even though it was black, there’s just something cold about this, i don’t like its intentions. hahaha fuck can i read your colours too?
i love this one a lot but it is the most expensive of the lot, 99 boners, it makes me feel like we are on a tropical holiday forever. i bet it has the best thread count too.
this one looks like pajamas to me, and hipsters, i like it, and yet i am irritated by it at the same time. haha.
this KILLS my eyeballs its vibrancy does not even register properly in the photo so i can only imagine how intense it is in person.
ok so those are the choices, good luck with your guessing and yes don’t forget to do that thing again thank you saturday buddies i will always be here for you.
so a coupla skids came by to party last nite and i finally got to meet the mother of all of ‘em, my bipolar bro-in-arms from tbay, r/r and it’s his first time to toronto and he loves it, so all that toronto haterade the rest of the country drinks, put it down ’til you ACTUALLY visit. what else, yeah we were trying to figure out exactly how long he’s been bugging me on the internet for, between 4-5 years it’s been. funny.
before they came i made an unphotogenic salad, it was delicious, i threw in my left over steak to surprise fil the carnivore. i mixed sriracha and my new carrot ginger dressing with feta tomato and spinach. easy peasy fucking sleazy.
positively repulsive looking much?
and i am very proud of myself for tracking down these babies to match the other blue glasses fil has, i like wine in squat tumblers, sometimes i just can’t deal with stems like i get it WINE i am DRINKING YOU get over yourself. featured in this glass though is a heartburnarita, we’ve had left over mix for awhile and magically stumbled upon a bottle of tequila ps. natalie what are you doing tonite?
what’s up bromance? ryan how’d they let you off the reservation? oh god people i could not quit it with the native jokes SORRY sorry. (not sorry)(sort of sorry). i was nervous ok leave me alone.
i was insecure about how much fun they were having, they’re both on vacation-mode so totally zen whereas i’m still at well, whatever i always am which is a combo of insecure loud quiet moody and drunk. fil has been fiendishly working on photos for his show next wednesday at the steamwhistle, y’all should come. anyway this game (thank you gill!) is fun, it’s like balderdash but way easier and kinda tense, we had to stop playing with certain cards cos steph and i were getting too loud and on edge and competitive.
hey how’d they know you’d be reading my blog today?!
whatever cid.
pretentious.
remind me to tell you about the toilet paper experiment fil is currently conducting on me.
this is how i feel about it and what the fuck is on tv??
ok it’s showtime guys!
gettin’ annoyed at being the timer guy.
check the ghetto desperation snacks, jalapeno jelly and teeny wispy crackers.
WE ARE IN LOVE TOO YOU GUISE!
ok business time, i did my share now it’s time for your bit. it would totally warm the cockles of my heart if you could just find the time to CLICK THIS VERY LINK RIGHT HERE and vote for raymi. thank you thank you no, thank you.
hello vodka jug we killed last nite, a good run if i do say so myself.
sigh christmas tree death you wouldn’t understand cos your heart is made of coal.
took a ton of pictures of it to get whatever point i thought i had across.
of course, but of course, someone with a camera in the annex taking pictures of trash.
you are so beautiful.
courtney love called she wants her album art back.
relax jeez. i kid i kid v vibrant punchy photos stretched on canvas well done.
kilgour’s wings are way underrated, so smokey juicy and BIG. we thought that dude bottom right half covered from my plate was fil’s elder cousin, it isn’t and holy fucking habs fan central much, way weird watching the game from that side of the fence. pitt you need to start drinking again and join us there sometime.
there was also more of a mayo-based one i will probably get, so expensive though no wonder they give you the tiniest dollop on your teeny salad. my hair is half curled half dried from its winter excursion.
ok do you get it yet.
re-meet troy and some organic gift wrap.
god talk about laz-E i haven’t even painted in that cat’s shirt, when i’m buzzed i look up at it and think hell yeh that’s a fine white shirt you have on. i have intended to paint it a green/grey or blue for fucking ever now. the betty/veronica went to jen. fil likes looking at it.
a forgotten christmas gift fil left in the drawer that i already had snooped. do you know how many nitemare before xmas dvd hint bombs i dropped!?!?!?!?
how nice of natalie to include just the special features in my influenza care package.
fil’s new monitor. he is slowly building an entire cave to keep me out. what’s next, a tent?
dude can i have some fucking room please? i mean JESUS. i couldn’t even fit all of him in the shot he just goes for miles and miles. anyway hello, good morning, TFIF! (thank fuck it’s friday) not that it makes a lick of difference ’round here nahmean? coffeetime wheee!
