i made it safe and sound. my flight was at 9.50 this morning so we were up at 7 had an espresso then stupidly a metamucil chaser. there was traffic on the qew and the 427 was backed the fuck up from a collision and then the caffeine booze fumes and fiber hit me all at once combined with travel stress, traffic, not gonna make the flight etc i had to jam my thumbs in the belt of my pants and breathe like lamaz class moaning and howling and crying oh god oh god OH GOD. i was that close to a pants emergency. i could feel it moving through every separate chamber in my intestines. it was so close i had to run to the bathroom leaving fil with my suitcase and i ran by the one right at the entrance (didn’t know it was there) halfway across goddamn airport terminal 3 to the one hidden by all the restaurants. travel tip: pack the metamucil don’t take it at home. made it in the nick of time to the john got my bag then told a flight person my plane was to leave in 40 minutes (westjet line-up of 50 people ahead of me no way i’ll make it) and he skipped me and some thunder bay bound dullard behind me ahead and i made it wheeeee.
oh yeah a guy sitting in front of me goes oh look thunder bay looks just like ontario. GENIUS.
if the plane is going to crash into a mountain or a body of water: do not have a cigarette.
will you look at this giant hippie baby ugh. i took 30 pictures of him in various sleeping positions. guy, the flight is just over an hour can’t it wait? he was like this during takeoff and landing. long hair too, added to the funny.
YAY skipanie was waiting for me at the gate and screamed out HIII super loud and startled all the other people it was nice.
we shared this at some place and were gabbing away at the cashier like turds and the girl said what is going on? we go what? she goes 3.81 please. hahahah.
hair is so skiddy greasy didn’t have time to shower. oh we saw a deer! so cute!
when i got here and unpacked i found the little man fil and i hide on each other in my necklace ziplock baggy and i burst into tears in front of steph it was pretty gay PRE-MENSTRUAL.
rye says he’s pissed on this garage door a few times.
the fancy room. k bye for now eh!
no wait here is a picture of me dressed as heathers.
i haven’t had a lick’s homeburger in a long time. i normally get the natureburger to feel less guilty. really there is no difference in taste other than the homeburger is a bit tangier and smokier. i think i prefer the natureburger despite it being a buck more expensive. god i want one right now.
we finished our burgers in less than three minutes it seemed. hogs.
they have no qualms over allowing you to have bacon bits on your burger. i have always shied away from those guys i felt like it wasn’t allowed? lick’s law! yes these photos are kinda repulsive.
hey fatties they offer you water if you just order a burger, pop’s not necessary ok. be healthy!
fil’s idea of a joke – taking my picture. so why the hell are we in the ‘burbs anyway well had to do some dad duty cos won’t be around on sunday. i slipped a card in my nana and papa’s mailbox trying to be all stealth (no time to drop in) and as i was tiptoeing away fil blammed on the horn and reversed super fast and loud. i jumped out of my fucking skin and beat it after him fucking asshole. when we pulled onto the street we were even whispering in the car shh drive quietly ok why are we whispering? hahah.
love it, awesome application brush, dries super fast, matte finish. on sale at shoppers right now go get some ladies.
sigh rocky so cute. he runs like a rabbit the entire length of my dad’s backyard.
in some serious lawn furniture need reminder to my brother hint hint.
so happy.
where’s the sun today what gives?
what a little princess.
kills me.
we watched some of the rutles (funny stuff) and ate some delicious cheese and dip then came home for our stories.
ta-da! must get more before sale ends as it completely blows all my other nail polishes out of the water. (if they for some reason were in water who comes up with these stupid sayings?)
yo relax.
cid at fil’s desk that box has several different placements around here. totally normal right? ugh.
oh yeah so i sometimes take down notes when something i find to be funny, useful, blog-worthy, whathaveyou comes to mind as i’m givin’er ie. the internet machine is turned off. then fil is all what did you just write down? and i have to explain it and he is usually givin’er also so the idea CLEARLY is a good one to us cos we sit there nodding in silence at what i just read aloud but the true test is whether it makes it to my www soapbox the next day or not. with each passing day after the shit i long-handed is not blogged, that’s usually a sign the thing was not actually funny or really 99% of the time i am too lazy to put the brainpower into following through with it. (guess what, you know this thing is like actual work sometimes. you try coming up with twenty thousand captions a year. i actually just did some math to come up with that number and simplified the hell out of it it’s more like 50 BILLION captions anyway back to how tough this is) usually i just blog verbatim what i wrote down and leave it at that. now that’s just lazy of me right. i have to stop doing that and it starts right now!
RAYMI’S GUIDE TO GETTING STUCK TALKING TO SOCIALLY AWKWARD ANNOYING BORING PARTY GUESTS
now i know this will not accurately apply to everybody because i for one quite enjoy the company of the socially inept. i find solace in them but mostly it gives me the opportunity to conversation hog, steer the verbal ship in any direction i please and so on. even when they are giant debbie downers i will still grace them with an hour of my time and take every negative thing they have to say. what is wrong with me other than everything.
but really, many of you aren’t as nice as me and much prefer to hover in your cliquey judgmental circles instead, leaving the loners to sit with their arms crossed staring at the floor. rude. so what to do? cos we all want to hang with our pals for the majority of the nite but we don’t want to look like dicks right.
get your party martyrdom out of the way at the beginning of the nite and don’t be too greedy about it either. i could talk someone’s face off for five hours if you’d let me. fuck, even a houseplant, i’m easy. point being, as tough as it can be to break away from loner lisa when there’s no one else to pawn her off on you gotta do it cos later on you will pass each other in the hall and you will get a stingy guilt pang, the more time spent with loner lisa, the more guilt you’re dealt. like oh shit i learned all about her dead hamster and now look at me a stumbling drunken asshole party machine, i’m not the same person loner lisa thought i was two hours ago (it’s like i lied to her) and worse, she gives you that look like how could you, she thought you were different because you were, you appealed to all her needs, you were a good listener, you gave and took equally but now you’re just explosively selfishly doing a dickhead dance in the middle of the room taking all the glory and tomorrow morning guess what your hangover anxiety is going to be focused on? yep. loner lisa’s family farm that was taken away when her dad filed for bankruptcy. happy now?
i guess i’m writing this as a plea for your advice too. 9 out of ten parties i go to the first half is spent devouring some stranger’s secrets (i have this thing about me i suppose where people feel totally compelled to tell me super personal shit and that’s cool not complaining) and the second half is spent hiding behind ikea shelves avoiding eye contact because i know if i see nerdy norbert again i will include him in whatever i am doing, then my shithead friends will be mean to him, roll their eyes at me and one by one ditch me with him and then i’m back at stage one and guy usually misreads my friendliness and it gets awkward.
another tip is find another socially awkward fella and pair them off. well, in theory you’d think that’d work simple but then you have TWO mutes standing side-by-side staring at you like you’re a trained monkey i am so sick of doing all the work for these guys holy can they make one iota of effort ever? ha ha i like how i am the victim now. one time i thought i was helping someone out by doing that bridget jones move this is blah blah and blah blah likes movies and cheese, blah blah meet bla bla. bla bla also likes movies and cheese. later on they turn on each other, some kind of out-geeking competition and decide to gossip to me about the other like i gave a fuck i don’t know either of you go away stop rubber-necking every time i move the direction of my gaze to catch my eye and nod at me like we are in this together or something!
in conclusion, at parties if it is at all possible, leave your conscience at home.
at this point i realised this was a good skinny pose so i abandoned trying to capture my nails in macro and focused on myself instead.
ha see. these are from sunday.
nice and yellow. beauty.
there we go full outfit. fantastic. glowing reviews on the street. sunday was pretty emo for me. one part due to recuperation from saturday and also maybe some hormonal thing. my body is so ready to have this fucking iud OUT and for the most part i can humour my moods and feelings pretty well but some days it sneaks up on me and not much help is required in inspiring a meltdown. like every thing that is bothering you ever bothers you all at once and you’re like yep, gonna flippin’ oot here it comes blaaaagh! my appt is tomorrow to have a swab (gross word, theirs not mine) and i dunno if that means they will take it out or not. i should probably call my doctor’s office today note to self.
hahaha. aw. so i went for an emo walk to hmv to track down a dvd for my pa. (father’s day is this coming sunday i won’t be around for it sorry i’ll make it up to you! i am removing myself from the city for a little break and heading north to skid country).
a few weekends ago i saw a burlesque dancer in this window from across the street and a giant horny tourist mob was gathered around the window. pretty funny. the chick was bangin’ too.
these things mesmerized me for a few moments.
taking “arty” or non-norm pictures in front of strangers is oftentimes a funny experience. they get this look on their face like W T F WHY is she d-o-i-n-g THAT!? it’s like planet of the geniuses every time a camera’s whipped out holy fuck people relax.
then i was over it.
adorable window display.
i love this little chocolate store. have not ever bothered going in, can only imagine the ridiculous prices.
a bout of starvation-induced crazy made me do it. wasn’t feelin’ the bloor street festivities. how fun is standing up and eating in a giant crowd? anyone? exactly. also that sour cream had a giant mould blob in the middle, i have to go back today and return it so annoying. the valumart in manulife center is buzzkill enough as is. thanks guys. i forwent cheese for that garbage thinking what a treat. in the end it worked out though, the chicken with onion and pepper fajita spices and salsa was delicious enough. fil had 7 of them.
rotisserie weakness. we boiled the carcass, bones, fat etc down to make more chicken stock you really need to do that as well.
now what could you possibly want?
deadly.
uh, what?
i like your intentions at least. ew oh yeah that woman blew a gigantic (and loud) snot rocket onto the pavement. chinese food craving window closed for the summer.
fil wants to make the most of these two nites we have left together alone (tomorrow nite is nxne party) he is already missing me. i should go away more often. dudes are predictably cute. you annoy them when yer around, they miss you like crazy when you’re gone. ps. fil is just as, if not more, annoying than i am.
i wasn’t planning on the gut rot beverage but last minute flaked out on the spot. fil finished his in two minutes.
emo day 2.
i love baldwin street.
we switched spots when this couple left for the table with the best view.
i let him have the rest. we went to the lcbo on spadina and found these single cans of mojitos and margaritas. actually, MIKE-aritas and MIKE-itos or whatever (mike’s hard family) and i said you could just dump one in your glass if you wanted. didn’t. also the mojitos are way too sweet, the margaritas are golden.
hi.
then we ordered that hank and mike movie i was a (fat) burlesque dancer in and ugh BRUTAL. turned it off halfway through.
+++
hey i have access to a sweet pair of true FRONT ROW CENTER seat tickets for DEPECHE MODE with Peter, Bjorn and John JULY 24 at Molson Amphitheatre – any takers? email me if so. SECT 102 ROW A 16 & 17 BEST OFFER gets ‘em. check the seating plan here. clearly they’re worth a nice little mint.
ok i get it maybe only like once but if you’re doing this frequently then um, fuck whatever enjoy.
that was actually helpful. thank you.
you are too brutal for words. like for instance how you couldn’t get the right “lose” in there and also hello, you want to be a giant sleazebag for your sister’s guy? you realize there are other men out there right? or are you that cliché family member who looks forward to that one annual gathering just to check out all your in-laws and cousins? barf on you.
i once called in sick to work BECAUSE I THINK I’M CARRIE BRADSHAW OMGLOLZFTW!!
don’t bother wimp. your music is shit and no one downloads your songs anyway. this is you: GIRL I LOOOOVE YOU BUT I HAD TO DUUUMP YOU SO I COULD BUSK ON A STREEEET COOOORNER DURING SXSW I’M SORRRY SORRY SORRRY sorry sorry…fade into coral chimes tinkling in the breeze.
THANK YOU JESUS FOR TAKING AUNT JOAN SO THAT I COULD HAVE THIS HELLO KITTY SANDWICH PRESS AND I’M PRETTY SURE MY FRIEND RHODA IS JAZZED SHE ONLY HAS ONE BREAST NOW THAT HER BLENDER MATCHES HER SHOES for real it’s allllll good girl!
seriously, i am gobsmacked by the audacity of your stupid selfishness. please get severe breast cancer that riddles and spreads throughout your entire body asap.
thank you for this new phobia to add to my collection.
well look at you all smug. why would you waste people’s time with such a pointless boring lie? do you know how much i tune people out when anything remotely exercise-related comes into conversation so really you blew it for yourself. you get like three fibs a year and you just used ‘em all up with this piece of shit. did you follow it up with winning the lottery and flying a helicopter? NO MORE YAWNSICLE PIE PLEASE ALL FULL HERE. word to the pathological liars out there, give it a rest. we know you’re lying we just don’t care enough to interject, it’s easier if you run out of steam on your own volition, i’m tired of busting you too. it’s awkward. thank you for making me feel awkward and uncomfortable. here’s an idea, go DO something then tell me about it. no one’s life is EVER that dramatic alright, so shut the fuck up.
STOP WATCHING OPRAH THEN YOU BATSHIT CRAY CRAY WOMAN!
move to canada you guys are so common here it would be no biggie at all (no one should have to tolerate slurs ever) short of that, school yourself with some good whitey jokes.
very true for the most part howevs some goodies are good from the start and should not be faulted for possessing cool skills from day one.
ahem, or maybe perhaps for the more obvious reasons you are clearly in denial of.
take this information to a head doctor. people who think they hear voices (god) are not well. if anything it was a temporary glitch from too much sun. no one is speaking to you. you haven’t been chosen. ugh. not being mean here, just concerned.
make it interesting on your own you don’t need a fucking author to narrate the minutiae of your daily life. that’s what blogs are for, jeezus lazy!
ok either your friends suck or you are boring. pick one. then remedy it. make new friends or stop long-winding the hell out of the ones you’ve got. when friends of mine haven’t read a certain anecdote i put on this shitfactory i don’t bawl my eyes out over it, i just retell the story in short-form IF it’s something worth retelling. i don’t expect someone IRL to care about me walking down the stairs to my bike, unlocking it, yanking it out of the bike rack, getting steamed over it being jammed between two garbage bikes, etc etc zzzz yawn. let me see your blog please and i will let you know if your friends are jerks or not.
capital Oh Please. WHO CARES LADY! you are cuckoo bananas as if this “secret” burned you up inside so much so that you had to mail it in. you just wanted an excuse to go HELLO WORLD i have a baby and i love my baby BABY BABY BABY BABY GOO GOO GAH GAH. time to start socializing again.
thanks i run out of those things so fast. your passive aggression does not deserve acknowledgment.
you’re a fool. does spelling because becuz also make you feel cool? whole foods makes me feel the opposite of cool, it makes me feel enraged, irritated and broke.
oh will you people give it a rest? the connection of losing his job to losing his house and now his marriage all has to do with MONEY not RELIGION. stop scapegoating your life away, man up and face facts for what they are not some fictitious hocus pocus esxcusey bullshit. GROAN.
hey thanks!
now that’s not going to end in a ridiculous mess at all.
so we went to the island yesterday despite overcastish skies and in the end the sun came through for us, awwright. i stupidly abandoned my bikini bottoms cos i figured it wouldn’t get warm. oh well. casie was down for the count as was candice. good times. i’ve got picture overload so i’m just snaggin’ some highlights for now.
it was dave‘s first island experience (holy crap update your site guy).
i don’t know what this is but it seems to happen every year on the island.
that girl was feeling us (not).
ha ha that’s casie’s promotional url sticker i slapped on his nose thing.
i love this cat.
peaches and cream barbie!
great views.
we ordered an extra large pizza with extra cheese and pepperoni and i feel like i’m the one who quite possibly ate the most, likely? probably. sorry.
hot tub. i tried on that suit too, very cougish. awesome.
then we went to the pool. then we took the streetcar home and i fell asleep immediately. awesome day. awesome company. now today’s weather would be perfect beach weather so get out there.
who’s ready for some more frivolous shit? it’s basically all my brain can handle about now.
great bags. same ones at the precious metal gala. i didn’t get them that time though cos i got the VIP bag. but now i have two. WIN.
fil‘s bag, dude version, was lacking pretty much all dude stuff. britt said the guy bags had guy underwear. not this one. scant pickings. also we hoovered all the food products last nite while watching life aquatic with pitt on the couch and it was all very delicious thank you very much.
fil said the only useful thing in his was the scotch tape haha whatever engineer. look at all that dove ish SO useful you ding dong. i read this at first glance as anouse gel like how borat would say it. wawawewa!
i just put some of the bottom tube around my eyes and it doesn’t burn and when i get up next to look in the mirror there better not be any lines!
i have so many razors too bad i’m not emo (get it cutting joke)(oh blow me).
ha i just gave one of these away. luckily this one doesn’t expire til december.
now for mine.
fil dismantled everything in his bag so here is my little dove box.
dove, you owe me one. nice finally some handwash for the kitchen. i’m tired of washing my hands with hippie dish soap.
as we were leaving i dug through pitt’s bag and saw this tin and thought NICE score perfume. nope, definitely not perfume.
whoever had to fold these into tiny flat squares musta hated life so bad doing that. i did it a few times and it wasn’t easy. maybe it’s cos i am feeling so smart today.
they look and feel awesome.
so glad i forgot about this last nite as i am pretty sure we’d of annihilated it.
this is the pouch those eye cream things came in.
amazing. i have a feeling i will be buying up some more of these in different colours. remember when monica lewinsky was on barbara walters wearing that lip gloss from the gap and then the next day everyone went out in droves to buy it up in that shade? i forget what the shade was called but anyway, people are insane. the gap must’ve loved the shit out of her. i mention this cos joe is the gap for cheapskates. same company you knew that.
or i could just use a highlighter.
tastes so good too.
thanks to roulette i have these fugly little things. each 4000 fake money dollars got you one. i gave one away to pitt (i think) and to britt. and each 1000 got you a ballot to win a blackberry.
as i was going through all the junk pamphlets to recycle i was a bit bummed to think of the total waste of paper this thick book was but then i (luckily) peeked inside…
good one you guys. hot pink lined too!
this didn’t come in the gift bag but it was on the bed anyway, my bro unagi has a new record out called reinventing the eel i’m putting it on itunes right now i know it will impress.
ok here are some of fil’s photos from last nite.
that would be the black version of my grey dress. britt also has it in purple. i think i might have to permanently borrow them.
i had maje gamble fever last nite i want to play real life roulette RIGHT NOW.
i didn’t really get what i was doing as this guy had a v thick accent when he was explaining it to me i sort of understood but was also just picturing sharon stone in casino in my head and running with that oh god i love that scene so much when she throws the chips in the air and de niro is so into it then the scene freezes and that song comes on Love Is Strange by Mickey & Sylvia SO GOOD (i enjoyed the fact that he was a dead ringer for hank azaria and he also slipped one of my coloured chips on the winning numbers when i wasn’t looking, nice guy) but then pitt got in there and showed me the ropes and i got the hang of it.
seriously what happened to those hobo cups? we each bought one for 5 dollars and then that was to make each drink one dollar cheaper after that, did anyone actually use one to get the discount? two words: icerberg vodka. may as well be moonshine. ughh.
things got kinda sloppy after awhile. britt what is that orange wristband for? enza supermodel took our photos and i didn’t smile in any of them so she made us do ‘em over she also said holding our tin cups was kinda trashy. HA HA. yes that makes me want to smile big time! where would those pictures turn up?
jesus watch this video for the song i referenced above, this is ewan mcgregor’s first acting role. Ewan McGregors first acting role, done 6 months from completing acting school, and he never looked back. skip to 30 seconds in.
