you have to tell them eventually that it’s not going to happen. a succession of them, it’s not going to happen (so stop putting so much pressure on it every time we hang out) or that you haven’t decided yet either way, getting huffy about it prematurely certainly isn’t going to make it happen. adrenaline surge just before you have to make your this is staying in the friend department speech and why again do you even “have” to make it? why can’t it just be obvious and unspoken? and then you get put on the spot reasons why. do you want the truth or a lie? why does a woman have to tell a man it’s not going to happen why can’t there be normal relationships and why can’t guys just be normal? i see guys and girls walking around together and the guy’s face looks so pinched you can tell he’s about to snap and acting funky toward her is on the horizon. guys get obsessive.
something mean will be said to me at this juncture of course, that’s the nature of things. people are never delicate with your feelings when you are careful with theirs, the courtesy is not reciprocated.
to consume someone and have an intense healthy passionate relationship now, that is a beautiful thing. i saw an uptight squeezing his girlfriend so insecurely hard in the florence and the machine crowd he was like trying to be a tent around her. it wasn’t lovely. i do love being cuddled and to cuddle but i also need to be free. i am loyal i do not stray when you have me so it’s ok to be hot and cold toward me as long as that balance doesn’t waver too far to one side or the other for too long. you have to go through a lot of people to find the one again. the one you want to burrow with at night, in the couch, at a show, who won’t snap at you for opening your mouth to say something charming and clever.
don’t think i think i’m some hot shot who gets her way always i know some of these guys exactly what they’re after when dealing with me i am not an idiot i know where it’s going and where and when it will end i move on i carry on it’s being an adult no hard feelings i’m just saying it would be nice for some men to get what silences mean, when to push and when to back off and not get abusive and rude.
rob showed up didn’t know if could get him in or not so i didn’t pre-invite. no prob get his ass in there. told casie to hug him, it was really important, guy looks like a good hug. duh.
we danced halfway through the show apparently that is a big deal in toronto. having fun and dancing to live music. sorry but standing around uptightly like a sea of useless bobbing heads i don’t think that’s very fun or inspiring for the musicians. so if i’m gonna be dancing at every show i go to i guess i should prepare to be written about.
we hug attacked that girl in the bathroom not knowing she was doing all the girl voice bits (her voice is exactly like feist’s ahhh dreamy). her gf joined in on it too then every single girl in the bathroom it was funny and cackly and football huddly. your endorphins release when you bond with women in bathrooms that’s why women get so chatty and gabby in there, without you realizing it voodoo is being done on your woman chemistry and all of a sudden you’re in that i love people and things and stuff whimsical vortex just cos you played with a lady’s brooch.
casie‘s sister is a major hot one. really weird to meet someone for the first time and they’re in a cleopatra wig. she’s platinum too so when i see her again i’ll be meeting a whole new chick. casie can you link that video of jenie dancing to single ladies please?
oh dekel. told him i was going to pants him after taking all his little quips and bullshit, he said i couldn’t (pants were really belted up there or something) oh is that so, eh? YANK. i got ‘em down to his knees. love a challenge.
when you see me taking a picture of myself with the peace sign it means i am shy because i am being stared at and i know people go all smug when they see people taking self photos so i pump it a bit further like THIS IS ALL IN FUN SO PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE. that’s my body language big time this nite out. i really don’t like leaving events or venues with a sour taste in my mouth. i know we’re a spectacle but guess what IT’S HALLOWEEN GET OVER YOURSELVES.
auctioning this dress off. as well as THEE black lace dress half the city’s women go to bed fantasizing about every night. i’ll photo everything i’m getting rid of.
here’s my florence video it is crappy and short. i don’t know how to wipe the flash card on camera so i can only do mini videos i am too spastic to take the three seconds required in figuring it out.
to be a normal person, an every day person, and then have this perception of you so wholeheartedly distorted. it is something. it’s huge. nothing prepares you for it in life.
really what it can be defined as is internet bullying but because i am not in elementary school i am not shielded from it. people think i am a monster, well i know not everyone does. it gets in your head like they all do but like, wait a minute, the only time i am ever being aggressive is when i am sticking up for myself and defending my honour which is my right and any normal person would do so. over time people just see you fighting battles and they declare you are a menace so they run with that. they witch hunt you. i am repulsed by society now more than ever. i am trying to take it in stride but really no, i have not done anything bad to deserve such disgusting treatment. people outnumber me and want to take me down to their level and i refuse to let them.
i will kill them with awesome instead. i have worked my ass off for ten years, through so many horrible things in real life and countless cruel (and crazy) accusations, gossip, scathing rumours, everything. i don’t care what the perception of what my actual “work” is or what you think i am doing here the fact of the matter is i bust my balls more than the average and instead of a hat tip i receive FUCK YOUUUUUUU DIIIIIIE from the majority.
every single time i release a piece of writing or a piece of press comes out about me my detractors (anonymous cowards that they are) come out. i am not the only notable in toronto that this happens to. it is the thing to do. to crap all over everything and all tall poppies. thank you internet.
and the solution to this problem evidently is taking it. i invite one of you supposed champs to take a week of this torture and see you not buckle under the pressure, the unjustified abuse that comes in droves. yeah i get that some of you do not dig this raymi personae thing but honestly, why are you throwing stones in the first place if you loathe me so much and you’re so much better than me allegedly yet you join the pack mentality. pretty pathetic of you. i forget the part that i signed up for where i said i wanted to stop being a regular human being like everybody else but that’s what happened to me one day when i wasn’t paying attention. i am not a real person imagine that! people want to sit around and discuss you like you aren’t a real entity and they really don’t like it when you show up and correct their faults so you have to let the fires burn and burn and burn and eventually smoulder out.
the best ammunition is no ammunition in flame war troll land. cool rules! they also try and say the people who are defending me in there is me posing under anon identities. i have not written as anyone other than myself in that forum because 1. i am not a fucking loser and 2. i have a life and no time for their loser reindeer games 3. i wasn’t even on the internet at the time of whatever alleged comment was left (in my defense) i was AT FLORENCE AND THE FUCKING MACHINE.
lucas and i shut down a major flamer website though, a forum that existed purely to torture and bash cbc notables. they caught wind of me and let me have it 400 comments thick over the span of a week. it was retarded. lucas exposed the anonymous guy (with past harassment offenses) i got lawyers involved ( threatened to, i have many just dying to make examples of all my abusers/stalkers) so he removed all the content pertaining to me (photos and screen grabs) and then the thread no longer made sense so he took it all down.
speaking of, current looney tunes garbage (i am getting it from all sides at the moment) i am dealing with, he is trying to slander me and claiming i had a nervous breakdown there. i have kept this person’s identity anonymous and he is now continuing to harass me. when you write about someone they then become less real. i forgot that i was actually dealing with a maniac, an opportunist maniac pathological liar. i really wish street carnage could have ran my other story. they wanted to, it was loads more interesting anyway and would have gone viral, but again, too heavy to post. never underestimate the power of your stories. especially with a following like mine.
in the end it doesn’t even matter what gets posted on that site, whether i wrote it or it’s a feature on me, my raymi haters cream with glee. raymi bashing forum for sure. i wonder if i was a guy sometimes would there be such a strong hate on for me. i know it’s a handful of the same slimeballs, people i’ve (rightly) scorned in the past (after likely really fucking with my shit) or crazies, legitimate mental cases who fooled me into being nice with them for a time then they lose their shit for some reason or other and can never let it go.
over time people’s short term memory of why they hate me goes away. they forget they are the ones in the wrong. someone likes to come out of the wood works a lot in raymi hater forums and i have a strong suspicion who it is but anyway they say i stalked and harassed other people before. the only people i ever keep tabs on are people who scare me, who single white female me, who haunt my every waking avenue of internet involvement (in my line of work you have to spread yourself around right?) so of course i am going to pay attention to their mental, it’s part fascinating, my friends are bug-eyed over it. point being, fuck you like i want to be paying attention to your ridiculous ass. that is not stalking it’s collecting evidence to protect myself in the event of your going bananas on me. anything nasty i say to you is an attempt to silence you and get you out of my fucking life and make it known that i want nothing to do with you.
when i was 17 i had a vision that this blog would make me famous. not a vision, a quest, a goal. i made it happen. sorry it didn’t occur to you to do the same but it’s not too late and telling me i am a loser idiot isn’t going to make it happen for you either. if you don’t like your body, you simply work out or modify your diet, you don’t attack fat people for being fat because you’re fat. get it? i’m not saying you want to be me or do what i do, just make better use of your time and hey if flame war is your sport and you have nothing else to do with your time, that’s too bad.
i’m so stressed i forgot this was an actual celebration and a wicked party. it is my goal to enjoy myself. at my art shows i am typically a pile of nerves and the drunk doesn’t hit me until the end of the night. everyone else has fun except for me.
i had the quail. the server asked me what i thought of it cos the chef wanted to know. needs to be two dollars cheaper, the salad confused me but i loved it all, was perfect for my eating disorder high demands.
eye weekly interviewed me on friday. i talked so fucking much i answered questions before they were asked. i am story teller supreme that’s how i do. it may seem irrelevant in the beginning, the meaning becomes clear by the time i wrap it up and take a breath.
mitzi’s wasn’t opened yet so we went to poor john’s. howie tripped on something on his way out. i said i did that too and it was really embarrassing (maybe for spectators but for me it was fine i am ok with being an idiot) and after-quipped but that wasn’t at all embarrassing. heh. i almost face planted one day over summer, hung, musta been out of coffee at adventurehouse but anyway a guy on his laptop erupted in coffee spit out laughter and i go, did you like that? which amplified the gaff more so as was not expected.
having this party i knew the media could not ignore it that’s why i am putting myself through hell for it. i told you i was smart. companies spearhead campaigns for months, planning the logistics of, unsure of what will take and how successful, hoping the media will take note, or paying the media, ads whatever. i did this alone. bare bones. on my own (minimal) dime. any favour and hand out i got was earned and then paid back in some shape or form. i AM the fucking LITTLE GUY which is why all the lashing out against me is an added piss off. these demons have been working against me for years, they see where it’s going and they try to tear you down and you still persevere despite them you’d think they might take a step back and admit defeat at some point. they won’t.
charmaine left me that blythe journal at central (for my birthday i think?) i wrote down all the restaurants to be flyered in it today and passed it off to my girl to give to her guy. i am consumed in this event co-ordinating. i’d like more swag for my bags by the way. also decorations. last minute i don’t want to have to spend money on ridiculous dollarama flowers but i will if i have to.
what else did i want to say hmmmm.
strung out sundays are kind of my favourite. hope yours was good too.
no extensions necessary this night. i almost wore my platinum braided headband. it is too tight and makes my head look funn(ier) i do have an idea for it though.
i decided to dress like jane goodall. steph and i killed ourselves laughing all night long at our 90’s antics. as i was putting my outfit together i said oh man i am going to look like a fucking explorer.
side vip pit. love it. so much room to groove. this is the part where i say EVERYONE WAS STARING and then everyone gets mad at me on the internet. whatever. hate it losers.
i said don’t be a dweeb. she died laughing and said that was the perfect thing to say about me. i called someone else a dweeb later on and steph grabbed my arm, NO, that’s MY name.
i feel like a fucking vein is going to explode out of my forehead right now we are dying laughing in the living room of adventurehouse about all the dumb things we said/did last nite.
gave three raymi drink tickets away to these assholes in vip that were trying to hog the entire couch i just wanted to extend an olive branch of niceness. they were not having it. fine fuck you too then. got whisked to business exec balcony mezzanine anyway suckers.
there were a lot of people from rogers apparently. self entitled brats not even real fans. you know how it is in the biz nobody wants to like anybody anymore.
sold out. that long white stretch of balcony is where we were. i saved that for the very end for steph and it blew her mind she lost it i played it really cool and sly as well but in my head i was freaking out too.
dancing by that glass balcony wall gives me vertigo bad. i never wear heels to sound academy anymore cos i’m an amazon. half my body towers over it. scary.
the IT’S ALL HAPPENING picture. in another one like this that came out a lot darker cos of the pinhole effect i said you look portuguese. i wonder if melodie could hear us cackling.
security threw up a wasted idiot against steph and then dragged his ass out. what dumb things are you doing out in public on your special concert night that gets you evicted? you are an idiot. why would anyone blow a night like that?
when i come out of my stress fog i might have something more profound to share on the night’s events.
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K….pretty harsh comments but obviously already “Raymi” haters so fuck’em…nothing you or I can say will change their minds. Chalk that up to the price you pay for putting yourself out there in the public eye. Case in point, millions of Americans associate Obama with Nazi’s…A black progressive democrat a Nazi? These people cannot be reached.
Others were more genuinely concerned with the initial act of putting yourself in potentially dangerous situations. A concern you know I share with them. You effectively assuage those concerns in the complete version of your story but not so much in the cole’s notes version you posted. I’m satisfied and happy to see you’re taking something away from this that might keep you more safe in the future so you might point that out to those that were worried about your apparently self-destructive behaviour.
About **’s side of the story…there is none. What could he possibly write about? You did nothing wrong, he did nothing right. It was his warped reality that made the situation escalate the way it did.
Ignore him, reassure those that were concerned that you’ve learned your lesson a give a big “fuck you very much” to the haters and get back to planning your party. Hope it’s awesome!
ps. no problem telling him to forget about his threats since he’d be the first to admit behind closed doors that he was completely off that whole week. He invited a blogger to hang with him for a week then promptly “lost his shit”. Kind of like asking the police to watch you rob a bank…of course you’re going to write about it.
Anyway, like I said…at least you learned something out of the whole mess and hopefully he did too.
Any guesses a to whom I went on this date with? He’s on tv. Still.
mega stressed. though, getting through it and feel better. hired an assistant so i can be less bridezilla. FATM with skidfanie tonite and like 20 other friends who are all going. my brains are fried.
i am a humongous woman. i am a lot of a person. the first time i realized i was an amazon was in grade 3 sitting beside little jessica arruda, this petite cute as a button portuguese girl i looked down at her matching purple jogging suit and my own self also clad in a purple jogging suit and i said to myself something is wrong here, she is littler than me. i wanted to be that small and dainty. but no i was the tallest girl in my class in every grade up til grade eight til everyone else started growing. i was the smartest and the tallest, the funniest loudest, but i wasn’t as tiny as jessica arruda or as cute as her. i hugged my knees as tightly as i could during story time and thought about how big i was, surely everyone else around me must have noticed how glaringly humongous i was.
i was the flattest with the biggest nose and no one ever let me forget about it. a fat comedian last week made a snark about beautiful women never having to develop personalities. you can be beautiful now but it’s ok to have been an ugly duckling, a caterpillar. i wanted to heckle. the table of hot gay guys beside us declared that i was beautiful and my face flushed, the room went still. i had heckled previously to the hostess “EW” when she said her mom said pubes fall out when you get older. my distinct loud girl voice was mistaken for one of the queen’s, one of the faggots. by now the word is being thrown around like crazy so i say no it was me who said it not the faggots. they howl and move out of the way so she can see who speaketh.
she was going into comedian mode (this woman is famous btw) like who is this ugly lout yelling in the room and one queen says oh no, she is beee-yuuuu-tiiiiifullll. she is?? i hold a candle beneath my chin and my ghoulish unflatteringly lit from below face terrifies her.
she takes advantage of that moment in time to scream like i startled her. i remove the candle demurely, my cheeks are hot pink and i’m blushing profusely by now as there is WAY too much attention on me. i have adrenaline surging through me, coursing from head to toe and i ride it the house lights go up above my head and the room stares at me, spotlit.
the room is silent, what is the review of this loud heckler with the chick from sueprbad’s voice? (one day i’ll blog about all the men in my life who are obsessed with my voice).
everyone is staring still, more comments about my beauty. my hair is up in a cute messy bun, i am sitting in a pew at spirits, my companion now realizes my pedigree a little more mayhaps. this is a trophy i have wedged up close beside me.
i was wearing my jackie o sweater and i was drinking champagne. probably the only person in the place who ordered champagne that night. or in a long time.
Kirk Cameron how?
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Raymi Lauren White don’t question tickle trunk
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Kirk Cameron it made my wife jealous. she says hi
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Raymi Lauren White you are so full of it who are you guy
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Kirk Cameron why so unbelievable. You have an interesting blog and my wife likes it. maybe it is you that has the “hipster” negativity
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Raymi Lauren White everyone on fb that i know in canada is dubious of an alleged kirk cameron, rightly so.
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Kirk Cameron no need to explain myself. enjoy. I shall not share my wife’s comments on your photos from now on.
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Raymi Lauren White haha
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Kirk Cameron i bet what you were expecting when calling me out was “OH. RAYMI!! I love you, and i cant be without you in my daily life. I see you everywhere and I wish you would be my girlfriend.” NOPE! G_D Bless
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Raymi Lauren White leave her for me
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Kirk Cameron Done! she nor the good lord would be happy…… never mind she said you can have me
messy room. it is a morgue this is me getting toasty waiting for blind greek for a late nite wino in a cozy pub on wellington. one glass to take the edge off. i am not partying until my party now. it’s go time.
lucas sent me the torontoist article on bss nite. they said my courtney love was “lets just say accurate” but now the article is gone. make the papers baby that’s all you gotta do. measure what they say in inches -warhol. welp, i got mad inches then.
